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Got a punchline…?
How do you make an atheist mad?
I don’t know, but I know how you make an atheist.
OUT OF CLAY.
“Tell him that he may not believe in God but God believes in him.”
“Tell him you’ll pray for him.”
“Tell him he’s not being open minded by being skeptical.”
“Splash him with holy water and tell him he’s blessed.”
“You can’t, atheists are already mad.”
Accept his worldview without listening to his evidence.
Tell him that you can disprove the idea of there being no god, but there is no way he would be able to disprove the existence of god because god simply IS there.
Key his karma and kick his dogma
Flush a copy of “The God Delusion” down the toilet. Draw a cartoon featuring Charles Darwin.
Try to convert his dog to religion.
Cut her off in traffic.
Easy — Tell him/her that Christians are traditionally nomads. (Yay for puns!)
Poke her with a sharp stick.
Give him a Bible for his birthday. Seriously, Jake, not cool.
Give birth to a baby instead of aborting it.
Recite the US Pledge of Allegience after 1954.
Show him/her a picture of Kirk Cameron.
Call him an agnostic!
Tell him Jesus still loves him.
listen to his evidence that there is now god, but still have faith anyway.
kill him to show him how wrong he was.
strike him with your lighting bolt
Tell them Big Bang and Evolution are flawed because you can’t make something out of nothing.
Scoff and say there’s no such thing as a Flying Spaghetti Monster.
After finding a chip that resembles an ancient religious figure, call it a sign from god that indubitably proves his existence.
Call atheism a religion.
After a delicate life saving operation where your doctor has pulled you through by use of his skills, training, and determination; complete strangers have donated blood or organs; and you have had the singleness of purpose and guts to participate in rehabilitation and treatment regimes , say “I think you should thank god you made it.”
Tell him he’s angry when he’s not.
Tell him about any of his thoughts or feelings rather than asking him.
Tell him if he doesn’t act like a complete asshole around theists then he’s a Neville Chamberlain atheist.
Tell him he’s acting like a complete asshole around theists just because he’s politely disagreeing with them.
Call her a fool repeatedly and attempt to back up your claim with BANANAS!
Teach creationism instead of the scientific method in school.
Teaching young children that if they don’t believe in Jesus Christ, they will go to Hell and be tortured forever.
Tell them you don’t have enough faith to be an Atheist.
Mention “New Atheism”
Claim you are offended by someone comparing your God to fairies, Santa Clause, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster without addressing the reasons for disbelief in those entities.
Warn them of their impending hellfire appointment.
Consistently spell it “athiest”
After he’s poked dozens of holes in your argument, tell him with a condescending tone that you’ll pray for him.
Ring his doorbell on Saturday morning to offer him your religious literature and a membership in your religious organization.
Come back two weeks later even though he asked you not to.
Talk about love with an undertone of contempt.
Say the U.S. is a “Christian nation.”
Accept all the gifts of science but none of the responsibility when it doesn’t flatter your ego or soothe your childish fears.
Dismiss the importance of empirical evidence in general until it proves that you are innocent of a serious crime.
Suggest that he live in the first century and the twenty-first century at the same time like you do.
Say he’s too nice to be an atheist.
Call him out on the insidious influence that he has on America’s Christian heritage and culture. Tell him how immoral he is, how he has no basis for morality, and that he is only an atheist so that he can have promiscuous sex with firemen and labradors without feeling guilt for the possibility of our Divine Father’s judgment. Tell him how religion has never done any wrong, how science is a farce, how God is a clear Truth in all things around us, but the foolish atheist just refuses to acknowledge it. And then lament at the persecution that he rains upon your head, and express how typical this behavior is for atheists….
Or just take away his daily roast toddler and sin sandwich…atheists become very agitated when they are not given the freedom to feast upon innocent Christian children, and indulge in their own wretchedness…
If he’s a gay atheist, tell him “God made Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve!”
Tell him that every atheist is a Christian waiting to be born.
imbalance their chemicals
Tell her that she actually believes in god. That is why she calls herself ‘A Theist’.
Tell her all modern technology is due to god working through humans.
When she proves you don’t really follow your god and so, dont believe in him and are an atheist, tell her, “You made some good points. I must be an atheist. Ill pray about this to Jesus tonight and ask for his opinion”.
Tell her, “You are intolerant for refusing to accept my intolerat views”.
Say “If man can artificially impregnate a virgin woman, how hard would that be for god?”
Take away my bag of frozen babies. I WAS SAVING THOSE FOR THE SPRING EQUINOX BACCHANALIA, MOM!
State the bible is literal history.
Tell him/her, “I don’t hate Atheists. Some of my best friends are atheists!”
She tells you that not teaching your children about jesus is child abuse. Says she’s going to call child protective services, and that you’re condemning your child’s immortal soul to hell.
Have a rabid Christian bite him.
Say to your kids, “C’mon honey, it’s not nice to stare,” as you gently pull them away from the atheist.
Plant fossil rabbits in the precambrian. Then, when they’re excavated, have them ascend up to “heaven.”
kill his dog
confuse abiogenesis with the theory of evolution
Know only one credible scientist and assume the god he’s talking about is the same as yours.
Atheist thank’s to god…
Fuck, it’s annoying
Throw a Bible at her while screaming, “I am filled with Christ’s love!”
I love that movie.
PS I know that she wasn’t really an atheist, but it was still a funny scene.
Ask, “So if we evolved from monkeys, how come monkeys still exist?”
p.s. I’ve tried to debate this moronic argument many times and just get blank stares.
Tell him or her, “Jesus loves you!” and expectantly await their immediate conversion.
Surprise them with a banana.
Take away his civil liberties in the interest of national security.
You ask them why they don’t believe. They always have some terrible thing that has happened to them. Somethng in their church when they were a kid. Or God didn’t save someone they loved. They died a horrible death, and where was this loving God? Basically, you confront them with the fact that they have always known, God DOES exist, but why wasn’t he there for me?
And that is why they get so angry.
Hmm, Stephanie, I think you need to work on your jokes…
Also, that’s never happened to me (never lost anyone, life kicks ass), and I don’t believe in God. Does that mean I’m not an Atheist? Or that you’re being silly?