The Reason Your Prayers Don’t Work

Well, at least 32% of them:

The Onion

Report: 32% Of Prayers Deflected Off Passing Satellites

HOUSTON—According to an official NASA report released Saturday, nearly 32 percent of all prayers exiting Earth are deflected off satellites orbiting the planet—ultimately preventing the discharged requests for divine intervention from ever making it to the Gates of Heaven. “After impact with the satellite, these diverted prayers typically plummet back into the atmosphere, where they either burn up or eventually land, unanswered, in a body of water,” the report read in part. “Of the remaining prayers, research confirms 64 percent fail to make it past the stratosphere because they aren’t prayed hard enough, 94 percent of those with enough momentum are swallowed by a supermassive black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy, and 43 percent are eaten by birds.” The report concluded that, of the 170 billion prayers issued last month, one made it to God, whose reply was intercepted by a hurricane and incorrectly delivered to a Nigerian man who reportedly did not know what to do with his brand-new Bowflex machine.

And just in case you haven’t stumbled across it yet, this other article is sure to be a classic.


[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

  • Beth B.

    I’m not sure who these Onion jokers are, but arrant prayers are no laughing matter. And I must imagine that anyone else who’s seen what a ricocheted supplication can do once sent speeding back to Earth from orbital altitude would agree with me.


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