What do you do if your child is possessed by Satan?
Forget performing an exorcism. Only God can cast out demons. But you can take matters into your own hands:
“The first thing we do,” Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred explains, “is put a Bible on the ground. If the baby crawls away from the Bible, it immediately becomes a candidate for sterilization.” The possessed child is then placed in a crib with a full grown adult swine to see if the demon will hitch a ride (Mark 5: 11-13). “We then take the pig to Landover Lake and see if it drowns itself in accordance with scripture,” Deacon Fred says. “If the pig drowns, the child may stay with its parents. If the pig does not kill itself, then the malformed offspring is shipped off to the Landover Home for the Demonically Possessed in North Dakota. It can sometimes take 20 years until it is safe to return the little “demon hotel” to its mother — but that gives her plenty of time to explain what a demon was doing in her womb in the first place.
Makes perfect sense to me.
Here’s the Bible Crawl in action:
Spring sterilization and the Bible Crawl have been a Christian tradition at Landover Baptist Church for nearly 57 years… Landover member, Mrs. Ida Jenkins, recalls, “I remember when the doctor told me that Satan stole my baby’s sight. Little Henry was born blind. We made sure the Devil didn’t get the last laugh on my Henry. We had him sterilized two hours after he popped out!” Mrs. Jenkins was eager to stop the Devil’s handiwork as soon as possible. “We didn’t even wait until Spring! Satan had his red tail wrapped around my boy’s head so tight, the annual Bible Crawl was out of the question!”
Sterilizing children is the only hope. If I had one, I would go ahead and just ship it to Landover today. With airholes in the box, of course.
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[tags]atheist, atheism, Christian, fundamentalist[/tags]