I’m Going to Heaven!

April 26, 2008 By Guest Contributor 11 Comments

I just need one of you to sponsor me.

I’m sure you may be wondering, ‘How is this possible?’ Well, to this day we are the ONLY official distributor of reservations into Heaven. We are directly affiliated and sent down by The Board of Heavenly Officials, the only governing body in Heaven, to offer you one thing and one thing only: a worry free, secure way into Heaven.

In return, you can go to hell.

How would you feel if the end of your days came, and you were told that you needed to report in to the pearly gates. You had been waiting your entire life for this. Every moment was spent doing good deeds and loving those around you with the hopes of one day getting into Heaven. You finally make it through the gates and you realize you want to grab a drink with some old friends, but you find out they don’t have any alcohol. You then begin a search to find some good porn movies, but those aren’t anywhere to be found either. Hell, you can’t even find a TV set. You then realize the things you enjoyed in your earthly life aren’t anywhere to be found. If only you had reserved your spot in Hell, this wouldn’t of been a problem. Now you are forced to spend the rest of eternity being happy and smiling. Or let’s look at it from another angle. Maybe you have an ex-wife or mother in law who did you wrong during your time on earth but you figured they were on a one way path to Heaven, and you want them to suffer in Hell. Rest assured, they can, and will. We can fulfill these wishes and we guarantee it.

They do group discounts, too, in case you *really* dislike your coworkers.

Just in case you think they’re joking, don’t worry. There’s a money back guarantee:

We offer our 100% money back guarantee on all of our packages. If for any reason you do not make it to Hell then we will refund your money with no questions asked. Don’t worry though, we are confident you will make it.

Only $12.79 for the cheaper package!

Creators Nate Davis and Edgar Kim take PayPal.

(Thanks to Stacia for the link!)


[tags]atheist, atheism[/tags]

Filed Under: General 11 Comments
  • Sam Cown

    Hemant, I am wondering what would happen if one were to purchase one of each package?

    I am sure eternal happiness would get old after a while. I can’t imagine how boring life would be just doing the same things forever. It would be nice to switch it up a little. Maybe some sort of “traveler’s card” could become available at a later date for those wishing to escape Heaven and it’s Baptish, Nascar loving goodness for a weekend in Hell for wild Pornstar-filled sex romps.

    I do think that it is also important to note that compared to tithe, this is a steal. I am also thankful that God is now accepting Paypal. He must finally truly understand Globalization and all of it’s goodness. If you really think about it, on a larger worldwide scale, Paypal just makes sense. One payment directly into the almighty’s savings account (Jesus has no use for a checking account, he only saves) rather than through billions of useless churches that remain empty for several days out of the week. Hallelujah!

    And Hallelujah to you Hemant!
    Hallelujah to everbody!

  • mikespeir

    “We offer our 100% money back guarantee on all of our packages.”

    Yeah, but where would you spend it?

  • Mriana

    :lol: I’ll sponser you, Hemant. Just as long as you sponser me for a nice warm place where I will never have to be cold ever again. :D Fair enough?

  • Karen

    Wow. The only surprise is that it took this long for someone to think of it!

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  • Sudo

    Thanks for the link! I’m going to order one today, that way when someone decides to preach at me I can whip out my ‘Heaven ID card’ and tell them I’m already in, thank you very much!

  • http://www.bernerbits.com Derek

    I really feel compelled to reserve a spot in hell now. That way if for some reason I wind up in heaven, I have some spending money.

  • http://www.religiouscomics.net Jeff

    Nice website. I had been wanting to create a website like that myself. Perhaps I will buy a reservation to both places and that way I can live in one and vacation in the other. Or have two residences and move back and forth as the mood suits me. Everybody should definitely get the “all access” package. Eternity is a long time.

  • http://www.greyscalecomics.com Shaded Spriter

    Reminds me of the chuch of the subgenius.

    The Church of the SubGenius is known for a standing offer that stems from the ordainment fee: “Eternal Salvation or TRIPLE Your Money Back!” The organization claims that if an ordained SubGenius minister dies and finds himself standing at the gates of “Normal” or “Boring” Hell, he will be personally greeted by Church founder J. R. “Bob” Dobbs Himself and receive a refund check for $90.00, along with a booklet titled, “How to Enjoy Hell for Five Cents an Eternity,” which costs $89.95.

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  • Nick

    Wow. The only surprise is that it took this long for someone to think of it!

    It’s actually an old idea
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indulgence#Abuses