Why Do You Hide Your Atheism?

I’ve come out to my wife (very hard) and to only a couple of very close friends. My wife has accepted it now that I have dispelled the common falsehoods about atheists.

She was raised in a very fundamentalist Christian household, and as a result I don’t have any plans for coming out to anyone on her side of the family. It would cause nothing but confrontations (and probably even the hypocritical advice to my wife to leave me despite a happy marriage and a beautiful 2-year-old daughter).

My family, I’m afraid to come out to only because I think they’ll think I’m changing on a whim. I was never raised with any religion (I think my father was against it in general, but didn’t even impose THOSE views on us). Not many in our family are religious, and I became so for quite a few years. So i have an (irrational, I know) fear of losing some of their respect because of changing again.

I’ve decided I’ll tell MY family if the subject of conversation ever moved that way, but I wouldn’t ‘drop’ it on them. As for my wife’s family? We’re happy to keep it from them for just as long as we can.

I keep my atheism secret from my family, who are fundamentalist Christians, because I really don’t want to create acrimony and deal with their constant attempts to convert me.

And of course, I don’t mention my own religious beliefs when I’m teaching class. That would be inappropriate.

But I have no problem mentioning the fact that I’m an atheist around my friends. I don’t bring it up all the time, but if religion becomes a topic of conversation I have no problem at all denying the existence of God, and I don’t really care if people are offended by the fact that I don’t believe in God. I don’t get offended when they say God does exist, so I don’t see why I should hide my beliefs because they might be offended when I say s/he doesn’t.

I would ask John Smulo why he feels it necessary to tell people he’s a Christian. Can’t he have a social interaction without announcing the fact? I mean, seriously, there’s a reason it’s a conversation stopper:

Co-worker 1: “Can you believe that storm last night?”

Co-worker 2: “I know! We had hail the size of golf balls.”

John Smulo: “I’m a Christian.”

Co-workers 1 & 2: “…”

John, it’s a conversation stopper because it’s unwelcome. It’s unwelcome because it’s off-topic. Unless the conversation is explicitly about religion, your beliefs in that area are irrelevant.

I don’t know if I count as an atheist who isn’t “out,” because I tell people if/when the issue comes up, but I don’t bring it up myself. My being an atheist feels unnecessary to talk about. There are lots of other things besides deities that I don’t believe exist, so why single out this as special — you know?

Also, it can really make some people angry/horrified/baffled, and that’s a conversational stumbling block I don’t want to build unless it’s actually necessary. I prefer at least to wait until I’m pretty good friends with them so they believe I’m a moral person already.

Hemant,

I know you weren’t saying that I should necessarily point the finger at myself, but its a fair comment for me as well.

Paul,

I’m not someone who goes out of my way to mention I’m a Christian by a long-shot. Admittedly, as a newer Christian I was obnoxious about mentioning this. But I think I’ve grown out of being the annoying hyper-evangelistic type years ago.

If I were in coworker 1 and 2s shoes I’d find saying I was a Christian off topic too. My blog post was referring to situations where I’m asked specifically.

I guess I’m pretty out to my friends, it’s on my Facebook after all. I don’t worry about them knowing at all, I wouldn’t want the kind who would get upset by a difference in beliefs.

I don’t hide or mention it to my family, it’s not really necessary, they know I’m not religious, I never pray with them or anything, except around my grandparents. They’re pretty old-fashioned, and I really don’t want to start anything with them, I like my grandma’s cookies too much.

If I reveal my true identity then how will I be able to infiltrate the enemy’s camp and learn their secret plans? That’s right, I’m a secret agent . . . Shhh! Don’t tell!

It’s a tough thing sometimes. You may be out to everyone who asks, but its not possible for everyone to always know. Many times, the mere mentioning of a lack of belief propagates an involved philosophical debate. I’m out to anyone who asks. Its on any profile with a religious affiliation as well as further explained in the following about me. So its out there but its only a portion of my personality and I like to portray it that way.

Just coming out to yourself is a major step. But for anyone who has a coming out story (really, anything about being an atheist in everyday society), please submit to comingoutgodless.com.

I have told all of my friends, but not my family. I never chill with them anyway, but if it did come up, I would tell the truth. The thing is is that i hate being yelled at and not herd. If (when) I told my family then deffinetly both of those things would happen.

Kriss, or krissncleo

It took me an unreasonably long time to become uncloseted. For a long time, I figured that I would tell anyone if they asked directly. In practice, no one ever asks. Except for once, but I ended up lying. Eventually, I found an unobtrusive, indirect way to “come out”: through facebook. Later, I indirectly came out to my parents by blogging on the subject. I was slightly worried by how my mother would react, but I think she was too baffled by the level of my blog to react negatively.

So that’s how it went, all of it via the internet. I guess I’m not really courageous enough to ever bring up the topic in real life among common folk. I can just imagine such a conversation… it’d all come out that I am actually very serious about the topic, and have all-too-well-developed opinions about it. If only I had a normal hobby… like sports or youtube.

Actually, I always feel the urge (sometimes I go through with it, sometimes I don’t) to announce I’m not Xian when I first meet someone. They usually assume I am b/c I’m an American from the midwest and my name is Noah. So usually the situation goes:

Me: Hi! I’m Noah
Them: Oh! Like in the Bible
Me. Ummm…yeah. But I’m not Christian
Them: Oh… (disappointed look) or That’s ok! (glad you don’t mind!) :-p

Of course, I don’t think I’d have this problem if I just changed my name…

I don’t hide it but I don’t proclaim it either. As an Atheist in the military I worry about my career in a Xian heavy organization and because of what SPC Jeremy Hall is going through.

In my family: my parents are Xians (Mom more than Dad) but my only sibling, my brother, is an Atheist too. He is fortunate to be in a programming firm that is primarily composed of rational non-believers.

My Mother does know I am an Atheist, because my non-practicing Catholic wife told her, but I don’t think she really believes it. How could she have raised a good son who doesn’t believe that Jesus is his personal savior!

These days I’m fairly happy to tell people I’m an atheist though sometimes I just say I’m not-religious. I know it’s much the same thing, but saying you are non-religious and not interested in any of that sort of thing tends to sit better with some people, and causes less confusion and resentment.

I still haven’t told my mother, or explicitly told my younger sister and brother mainly because it’s difficult to talk to them about it. My mother and sister are quite religious and I have let them know I’m not interested in religion, but I think they would have a fit if I said I was an atheist. Why is it that the word ‘atheist’ can cause more distress than just saying you are not religious?

However I have told my older sister and even let her know about my blog, but she is not into religion either, though she doesn’t call herself an atheist.

Yes, I do feel like a bit of a fraud having a blog decrying religion but then not having the guts to explicitly tell my mother, but I’d rather not upset my family.

One other thing. I think my devoutly Mormon mother was the first person I told. She was very upset – and I did go through several years of ‘giving the church a second chance’ . But now, she usually avoids the topic. (About twice a year she’ll bring it up, and we’ll rail at each other for awhile.)

I have told my Parents, my closest friends, and many other people. Although, I’m not entirely public about my Atheism. Now the only real reason for this is that I am soon to be married to a very wonderful girl. And most of her family is fairly, if not very, religious. So I really don’t want anything to spoil the ceremonies. So until then, I am not going to make it extremely known.

Also, I live in the Bible Belt of America. So, every time I mention it I’m causing a large amount of turmoil.

Don’t forget that the Noah of the bible had sex with his daughters after the flood.

Hmmmm….I don’t get it. What circles is John running in here that he is so frequently coming into contact with people that are uncomfortable when he shares that he is a Christian? I mean, statistically speaking, in any conversation that John might engage in (at least in the U.S.), the other parties are probably Christian too, since approximately 78% of the nation self-identifies as some type of Christian. What gives?

As for me, I don’t make a point of sharing or hiding my atheism. There really aren’t that many circumstances in which it even needs to be mentioned. If it does seem appropriate to bring up in conversation, I will share my beliefs and viewpoints. I’m not interested in debating or arguing or “converting” though. It’s just not that big of a deal to me. So I’m an atheist, big whoop. I don’t have my whole identity and personhood tied up in a single metaphysical perspective. Some of my family knows, some don’t. Same goes for friends and coworkers. Like I said, if it somehow comes up in conversation, then whoever I’m talking to will know. But there just isn’t any reason to announce it or to hide it. *shrug*

But I do want to know where John hangs out because I’d love to spend some time in a place where I would have so many opportunities to meet people uncomfortable with Christianity. It would be a refreshing change of pace.

I’m wondering how many people who have posted in this thread are in the United States…..

I ask because in my experience, there’s not nearly as much emphasis on or interest in one’s religious affiliation(s) here in Canada (in large urban centres anyway). My American friends all talk about how, when one meets someone new, one of their first questions is almost always: “what church do you go to?”

As a Canadian, it’s verrrrrrry interesting watching the U.S. political race ~ EVERY candidate refers to their ‘faith’ at some point in the race, but here in Canada, almost NO candidate brings up religion (theirs or anyone else’s) at all.

Canada has an ethnic/cultural diversity to rival the U.S.’s ‘melting pot’ (ie Toronto, one of the most culturally diverse cities on the planet) and yet, when it comes to religion, there seems to be a huge difference in terms of how ‘relevant’ it is in the eyes of one’s community.

It’s a fascinating contrast between two countries that are so similar in so many other ways.

Oh, and I don’t hide my atheism in any way ~ and in my close circle of friends, about 2/3 are also atheistic and the other third is very ‘specifically’ religious (Christian/Jewish). They’re all extremely intelligent people and we’ve never ever had any ‘issues’ between us because of our disparate beliefs.

Me: Hi! I’m Noah
Them: Oh! Like in the Bible
Me. Ummm…yeah. But I’m not Christian

That’s entirely the wrong response, Noah. Try this:
“Yeah, I’m named after the great drunken sailor of christian mythology! Almost as good as Poseidon. Pretty cool, eh?”

Guys – hold on a second – Noah-of-the-Bible would have been Jewish, not Christian. (Except, I guess, to Christians who extend honorary Christianity backward to Adam & Eve, which may be more common than I like to think.)

midwestatheist,

I live in California, where I think there is far less of a Christian cultural influence than in the Midwest or South. Up until a couple years ago, I lived in Australia for close to a decade, and there was certainly far less of a Christian influence there.

Noah:

My given name is Christian. The conversation goes like this:

“Hi! What’s your name?”

“Christian.”

“Are you?”

“…”

Seriously, this didn’t happen when I was a kid. Probably because I grew up in a family that believed that you didn’t talk about religion (or politics).

I usually tell people when necessary, ie when they might be about to put their foot in it. Same with other people who are religious who bring it up so i know about their holiday plans or why they can’t come out and play on Sunday etc…
It’s more like a social thing where we live and is on par with any other organised social thing. Strange but true.
I was non-religious till the word atheist really took off. Then i started calling myself a humanist.
But you have to ask. Or get in my face about going to hell or whatever.

My Answer is pretty simple.
People are for the most part stupid, and I don’t have the patience to deal with it.
So with some of my more distant family members or coworkers, I just don’t mention it. It just saves a headache.

I haven’t really told my parents yet — my dad is a former pastor, but actually he will probably have the easier time of it (I actually don’t think his beliefs are that much different than mine). I don’t expect any problems, but I’m just waiting for an appropriate moment.

My wife’s parents are devout Catholics and they have a strong hunch about my atheism but for now will cling to denial about it and keep telling my wife to pray about everything (and I won’t go out of my way to ruffle feathers).

My biggest worry is that when it comes time for us to have kids, I expect their non-baptism will be heartbreaking for my in-laws. Thankfully, my brother has not had his son baptized and I haven’t heard of any fuss over that from my side of the family.

I’ll say that I’m an atheist if it comes up, but I don’t go looking for reasons to insert it into conversation.

As for my family and friends, my parents know, as do my siblings. Not so much with the rest of my family, who range from the semi-religious to the downright scary fundamentalist. (One worked for Focus On The Family for a while)

My friends vary. Some just accept it, and we even have interesting conversations about reason versus faith, etc. One or two will try every so often to convince me I’m wrong, but don’t get too pushy about it.

And there are a couple who just insist that ‘Atheism is a belief system and therefore just another religion’, and ignore any of my attempts to explain the difference between atheism (the simple disbelief in a god) and say secular humanism, which would qualify as a belief system, if not a religion. In short, they prefer not to have to think about it, and just cling to the simplistic explanations. Considering that an atheist could subscribe to any of a number of belief systems (secular humanism, naturalism, or objectivism, to name a few) as atheism is not a belief system in and of itself isn’t an option for them.

my grandparents would be extremely upset by it and there’s no use in upsetting people who are old and dear to me.

i would tell my parents if they asked, but they haven’t. i’m not going to just shout “i’m an atheist!” over dinner. but i think they already know, so they avoid the subject.

my fiance is atheist and so is his family, so that makes life easier.

i am currently living in germany where the believers are the odd ones out, not the atheists. it is a strange contrast to my home country (usa), but nice.

Guys – hold on a second – Noah-of-the-Bible would have been Jewish, not Christian. (Except, I guess, to Christians who extend honorary Christianity backward to Adam & Eve, which may be more common than I like to think.)

Actually, Noah is described in the Bible as living in Ur, which is (if I remember correctly) in modern day Iraq. So he would have been Sumerian (which makes sense, seeing as the Genesis flood myth is adapted directly from the Gilgamesh flood myth). “Jewish” doesn’t really come along until Israel is established, which would have been thousands of years after the time period in which the flood myth is set.

I don’t hide my atheism from most of my co-workers or my friends. My family is a bit of a different matter.

My wife’s family is extremely religious (parents are Baptist and young earth creationists). I really like my in-laws and enjoy spending time with them and I don’t want to ruin that (which I think it might). We also have three kids which will complicate things further. It’s not just my soul that is at stake here… I’m risking the afterlife of my three children!

I know that sooner or later my atheism will come out (I’m not going to lie to them about it) but I’d like to postpone it as long as possible so that my kids don’t get indoctrinated when they are too young.

My wife used to be what I would call lazy Christian. She’d go to church from time to time and generally “believed” but she’d never spent much time thinking about it nor had she ever read the Bible. When my conversion started I began to point out things that were in the Bible and she’s definitely moving away from belief too. That isn’t going to help with the in-law situation…

Noah-of-the-Bible would have been Jewish

Actually the label “Jew” comes from the tribe of Judah and post-dates the scattering of the tribes of Israel.

Not to mention, the nation of Israel is, according to the Bible, composed of direct descendants of Jacob, Abraham’s grandson who changed his name to Israel after losing a wrestling match with God (but only after God cheated).

And according to Genesis Jacob was born several hundred years after Noah.

So yeah, there’s no way Noah could have been Jewish, or even Hebrew.

I think the fact that I haven’t been to church (aside from weddings and funereals) for almost 30 years might be a clue – yet most of the people who know me have no idea that I’m an atheist.

My wife knows of course, and I think my Dad shares similar views plus my teammate at work is aware of it since I visit atheist websites on my lunch break.

I’d like to keep it from my team lead who is a born-again Christian and a terrific guy. I’d hate to have him worry about me going to hell.
For the same reason I haven’t mentioned it to other family members as it would only upset them and I don’t need the aggravation.
None of them are all that devout anyway. Ironically, my mom finds folks who are “too religious” really irritating.
Sadly, I don’t have any grandparents to worry about upsetting – unless of course I’m completely wrong and they’re looking down from heaven right now and getting really ticked off.

If I think my atheist stance will be used against me I remain quiet. If it’s with people that don’t care about me then I don’t mind exposing my atheism since they don’t care about me anyway why should I care about hiding it. I guess being near Austin I can be pretty open about it. I do feel for the other Texans who don’t live in a city as progressive as Austin because the rest of Texas is pretty darn conservative.

John Smulo said:

I live in California, where I think there is far less of a Christian cultural influence than in the Midwest or South. Up until a couple years ago, I lived in Australia for close to a decade, and there was certainly far less of a Christian influence there.

Well, John, it seems I need to move! ; )
I have to say, I’m not really understanding what situations you are in that your religious beliefs even need to be mentioned. It seems it happens frequently enough that you have been able to spot a trend and put together a list of reasons why you are afraid to share that you are a Christian. I’ve been an atheist for approximately 10 years, and in that time I have felt it appropriate to mention my atheism in conversation with family/friends/coworkers/acquaintances perhaps only a couple of times per year. That is, at most, 24 chances over roughly a third of my lifetime for me to bring a conversation to a grinding halt, communicate something other than what I mean, lose friends, and provoke hurt or anger. And all of those things have happened. But sharing my atheism has also provoked surprise, fascination, curiosity, and kinship. So I have had the full range of experiences, just not that frequently because there are so few opportunities for it to even come up.

As I mentioned in an earlier comment, I don’t hide or proclaim my atheism. I mean, really, who cares that I am an atheist? How often is it really relevant in my dealings and relationships with other people? In the grand scheme of things, not often. Perhaps that is why I have no expectation that others should be comfortable with my lack of religious/god belief.

I hope that you will ask yourself some possibly tough questions: Do I expect the people around me to be comfortable with or to care about my christianity? If so, is that perhaps an entitled or presumptuous perspective to have? In the past, how often has it been really necessary to reference my religious beliefs in conversation with my coworkers? neighbors? acquaintances (potential friends)? family? friends? Do I consider my religious belief relevant to all of my relationships in life? Should it be? How important to me is the label “christian”? Should it even be that important? And, if I treat people with compassion and respect, does it matter whether or not they know that I am a christian?

I am not trying to single you out or make you uncomfortable, John. It is actually my hope that other christians will ask themselves the same questions and that the atheists reading this post will do so also, obviously inserting “atheism” in place of “christianity”. Personally, I think it can only be to everyone’s benefit if we all move away from the idea that we are each among a victimized (a)religious minority. Hopefully, asking ourselves these sorts of questions can help us do so.

Okay, out of time. I apologize for the lengthy post.

I wouldn’t say I hide my atheism at all – Since most, if not all, of my friends know that I am an atheist. It is plastered all over my blog and is also on my Facebook and MySpace pages. But I also don’t go around telling everyone I meet about my religious views – Mainly because I don’t like it when others do it to me. If anyone asks for my opinion on religious matters, I will tell them I am an atheist…. Actually, I guess I tend to use the term “non-religious” rather than “atheist” in most face-to-face instances. This is due to the negative connotations that many people associate with atheism.

There are a few cases where the subject of my non-belief never comes up. First, I never mention my political and/or religious views when teaching since I see that as very inappropriate – especially since they have nothing to do with computer programming, robotics or control systems.

Second, I also never discuss religion in the workplace unless I know I am with like-minded individuals. This is both because I know most of the people around me are religious and I also know I wouldn’t like people to discuss their religious beliefs with me at work.

Finally, I have never and will never mention my atheism in front of my maternal grandparents. I just see no reason to upset my 80+ year old grandparents by making them think I am going to hell.

In conclusion, if someone has a major problem with me being an atheist and that results in me losing a friend or a potential job opportunity, I won’t be particularly upset. The friend was obviously not a true friend and I probably wouldn’t enjoy working somewhere that judges me based on my non-religious views.

I shall now stop rambling……

My grandparents are the only two people in my life that are unaware of my Atheism – they’re both Christian fundamentalists and, while I’ll admit my resistance to coming out to them is tinged by a bit of fear over their reaction, it’s mostly rooted in the fact that they are both very, very old and I simply can’t see the purpose in causing them such stress this late in their lives.

If asked I wouldn’t lie to them, but I doubt they’ll risk their comfort to query.

t

We’re out to friends and family, but we hide it in general (and protect our identities on the internet) for one reason, and one reason only: the next time SurferJesus’ ex takes us to court for custody of our daughter, it will count against us. We’re bible belters and yeah, it WILL count against.

Our daughter knows we don’t believe in god/gods/whatever, but we don’t really use the A word…knowing what we think is more important than what cubby we fit into.

That’s about it really.

I hide it b/c of all the grief I’d get living with conservative religious people

Eliza:

Guys – hold on a second – Noah-of-the-Bible would have been Jewish, not Christian. (Except, I guess, to Christians who extend honorary Christianity backward to Adam & Eve, which may be more common than I like to think.)

My apologies. I did not intend to imply that Noah was Christian. I said he was a figure of Christian mythology because he is in the sense that Christians inherited / plagiarized the myth from the Jews. Perhaps I should have said ‘Old Testament mythology’?