Friendly Atheist Contest #33: Your Atheism is so Militant…

All right, I’m on a roll!

Worst way to come out?

Maintain an atheist/agnostic blog and take no precautions about people finding it via Google, etc. Better yet, link to it from your personal website.

You could come out like I did, by refusing to swear an oath to God to be sworn in to practice law in a new state and having the flustered clerk have to run to the judge to ask if that was okay.

The judge said it was okay, but within ten minutes every lawyer and judge in Knoxville knew that the new guy was not only from California but an atheist, too. Took me six months to get a job.

Yo’ atheism is so militant, you disowned your kid ’cause he was cross-eyed.

Aaah! I was sipping my tea as I was reading the entries, and when I reached the punch line on this one, I burst out laughing and spilled my tea. No matter. It was worth it. )

So there I was, hanging out with Pat Robertson, Rick Perry, and Fred Phelps on a hunting trip deep in backwoods Alabama, to which I said “Boy, who would imagine an atheist would get the chance to hang out with all of you!”

The worst way to come out? Standing at the baptismal font with your best friend’s baby in your arms, asked by the priest if you accept Jesus as your savior. Yup. Been there.

Worst way to come out as an atheist:

Inviting your family to your home for a civil discussion over a candle-lit dinner of bébé à l’orange.

I wouldn’t recommend coming out to ones mom like I did mine, although I doubt it is the worst way it could be done. My mom was going on about religion and wouldn’t let it go and I said “Good grief, Mom, I stopped believing in god not long after I stopped believing in Santa Clause!”. She stopped talking at that moment.

Break into song:

I’m an atheist and I’m OK
I sin all night and blaspheme all day

“Speaking of your last rights, Mom, I’m an atheist.”

The worst way to come out as an atheist is while meeting God.

Wearing a “f*ck your god” (I’ve seen those before) or “atheist” shirt to a church, especially in the south seems like a pretty bad way to come out…

What is the worst way to come out as an atheist?

Eating a pulled-pork sandwhich at your local mosque/temple on a holy day, while proclaiming loudly that Allah/Yaweh can kiss your ass.

(why limit it to xianity?)

Sorry, going to plug one of my sites here.

If you want more Yo Mama jokes of a religious nature, check out my blog the Atheist Comedian. I’ve got a whole section devoted to religious Yo Mama jokes.

http://atheistcomedian.blogspot.com/

Sorry about the shameless plug, but I’ve had these Yo Mama jokes up for quite a while and I get very few opportunities to mention them.

Trip and fall onto a table, crushing a plate of communion wafers, the other end of the table flips up and a bible flies into the fireplace and is consumed by flames and also the table hits a woman holding a baby and it soars straight into an open microwave oven. Throw up your arms and exclaim “It’s ok! I’m an atheist!”

I have two:

Mid-way through easter brunch when you are forced to describe exactly what kind of turkey you are eating and why it’s wearing pampers.

And

By taping-over Grandma’s copy of “It’s a Wonderful Life” with you reading selections of “The God Delusion”. In the Nude.

Wear a “I swear to God I’m an Atheist” tee-shirt in your senior year in highschool in the bible-belt. True story. Lets just say I stayed home for the senior prom.

At least now many years later I’m happily married with two kids

On being asked by a street or door- to- door preacher if you’ve heard the good news about Jesus Christ, grab your crotch and leer, “I got yer good news right here, baby!”

Worst way to come out as an atheist?

Bursting into flames as you enter a church. Man, that stings.

~David D.G.

At the end of every sermon in an evangelical church the preacher asks if there is anyone who wants to “come to the lord and accept jesus as your personal savior?” This is a very orchastrated thing normally, planned weeks in advance and everyone knows who will be walking up to the preacher for the holy dunking. Well if you want to be in your face about this you could just stand up and into the aisle and walk up to the preacher. This will get everyone’s attention because they won’t have been expecting you to do anything. Walk up to the preacher and he is going to ask somehting like “son are you ready to accept jesus as your lord and savior?” Then you smile shake your head and turn around to face the congregation. “I know that there isn’t a god and I know that none of you believe in god either. YOu come in because it is expected of you and you don’t have the courage to admit it. Well, I’m sick of all of the lies. I know there isn’t a god, I’m an atheist, you’re all atheists and I’m sick of the lies and the games. I’m leaving now. If any of you would like to admit the truth and come with me you are welcome too.” Then you turn back and shake the preacher’s hand. He will be to schocked to refuse. “Good luck.” and walk out of the church.

I would say the worst way to come out as an atheist would be to shout in a party

“HEY EVERYONE IM COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET TODAY!!”

Worst time to come out as an atheist? At my ordination.

Yay me! I’d like a blue wristband please.

Worst way to come out as an atheist? By hiring a plane to fly a banner over Toronto that reads, “Jesus Sucks, or he would if he actually existed. Which he doesn’t.” How big a plane are you going to need for that?

Worst coming out speech:

“I accept your nomination for President of the United States and look forward to becoming the first atheist to serve in the White House.”

Ah, coming out…

The scene: Christmas dinner with all 47 of your closest relatives.

“Hey, mom, I have AIDS, polio, and I’m gay!”

::silence, maybe a little sob from Mom::

“Just kidding, I’m an atheist! See, it COULD be worse!”

“I must say that I’m very pleased to stand here today. To my friends back home, I have a special message: I told you guys that I’d manage to subvert the catholics to pick an atheist as the new pope!”

While skydiving, right before your religious tandem instructor attaches your harness.

at a Phelps family reunion/potluck.

just before Jeremy Gloff ‘Rick Rolls’ them and just after they’ve started digging into my botulism-ridden (but yummy) potato salad:)

I think the worst way to come out might be to hammer the cracker into a copy of the Koran with a banana at your child’s first communion.

At Christmas party, with aaall the family there, when they ask you to give thanks to god for the dinner and all that…

“Would you mind giving thanks this time?”

“Well, actually, there was something I wanted to tell you before…”

Unfortunatly random insulting humor isn’t my forte so I decided to sit this one out.

Getting caught trying to eat a baby.

I made another poster

Just outside The Pearly Gates. (At that point, you might as well keep your mouth shut.)

To a traffic cop in Riyadh who stopped you for a bad turn and seems to think you’re a Jewish American tourist so you think telling him you’re an atheist is going to make him less irate.

In a house full of Catholic wrestlers saying the words, “Anal rape of the Virgin Mary!” (as a joke), then continuing to high five a friend across the room.

What is it with all of the baby eating? Is there some sterotype that atheists eat babies? Did some famous person accuse atheists of eating babies? This is an in joke that I just don’t get.

Gabriel, less a stereotype and more an unfounded and ridiculous accusation that has been adopted in order to highlight how silly some prejudices against atheists are. So it is an in joke of sorts.

What is the worst way to come out as an atheist?

With the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck, just as your mother gives the final push. That’s the worst way for anyone to come out.

Oh my gosh, I won.

Could I do a Legally Blonde type “ME”!

What is the worst way to come out as an atheist?

By continuing to pretend that you believe. That’s the most ineffective way to come out as an atheist.

(…just having fun playing with different meanings of the original question…)

May I have a Red wristband please…..

Attempt at improving one of my entries:

With the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck, just as your mother gives the final push. Since all babies are atheists, that’s the worst way for an atheist to come out.

My wife spends 2 weeks volunteering 14 hour days to put the local Methodist vacation bible school together. At the end, having not really thought about what she was doing, I’m sitting with her watching the graduation ceremony for my 6 year old in complete horror at the mindless nonsense she has been force fed. Without thinking (obviously) I turn to my wife and tell her that not only am I an athiest but that I dont approve of brainwashing small children with religious nonsense.

It was chilly in our house for quite some time

I remember coming out as an atheist. Just afterwards, the doctor said, “Congratulations, Mrs. McNamee. It’s a boy!”

Damn. My idea was not so fresh.

At your confirmation, the priest says “Will all the parents of the newly confirmed please come forward”, as they get up you say “not so fast mom”.

During your Hindu Wedding ceremony- while the gods are being propitiated etc- carryiing on your own commentary in English to the significant other how stupid it all is- but hey we will get the certificate and be “legally married”.

I did not do it quite then, but immediately after- with a well, but this stuff is so exotic, weven if like me, you do not believe it.

My entry is a poster:

http://disco-igno.godlesscreation.com/eating-babies.jpg

Eating a baby… probably not the best way to come out as an atheist.

worst way to ‘come out’ as an atheist:

you earn a worldwide reputation as being the closest thing to an angel on earth, win the Nobel Peace Prize for your humanitarian/missionary work, die a saint and a martyr……then Christopher Hitchens writes a book about you

“Your Holiness, it’s such an honour to meet you. I brought you a gift, one of my very favourite books…” *hands over a copy of The God Delusion*

On Easter Friday…Go to the nearest grog / bottle shop and demand that it opens up for you INSPITE of the religious holiday. !
Fuck em’. Be loud! Be Proud!

then Complain to the local board for discrimination against an ethnic,
Ask a lot of ‘what would jesus do’ questions while making finger gestures.

(in Australian – Good Friday is the only day you can’t buy alcohol)

In banner

“To survive until we’re rescued, we’re going to have to kill and eat one of us. Otherwise, none of us will make it. Who should it be? Let’s all pray to God to give us a sign pointing us to the answer.”
“OK.”
“OK.”
“OK.”
“OK.”
“Wait a minute, . . .”

I’d invite the parents and their priest over for dinner and have The Good Atheists (Ryan Harkness and Jacob Fortin) arrive after them.

Dinner would be a Pot Roast on a Friday night.

And if the Priest decided to go ahead ask for grace, we’d “politely” point out the hypocrisy and enjoy our wonderful meal without them.

Of Course, I’d offer to make them a frozen microwave cheese pizza since it is my parents.

@RobL
That’s kind of what I’m worried about. I’m still in my “serious doubts” phase, but my kids are in Catholic school, and my wife is pretty involved. I have to try not to have my kid’s first communion be… awkward…