Comments on: How to Let Go of the Family http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/ by Hemant Mehta Sun, 27 May 2012 22:27:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 By: Old Beezle http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215656 Old Beezle Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:43:20 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215656 I only have experience with my own family who is fairly open and loving in general. They still send me religious-themed gifts and I still nonchalantly dismiss their religous-based biases. What's worked for my wife and I is this: 1) don't debate religion (no one's going to be convinced on either side) 2) be upfront with boundaries--don't be a doormat ("no we're not goin to church with you, but we will drop you off"--when they're in town for a visit) 3) do your part to maintain the relationship (I told my parents that they raised me well and I was grateful for it; I email my little brother while he serves his mormon mission--despite being appalled most times at his one-sided, cult-sounding missives "from the field.") If you want a relationship with them, then let them know it and work at it. It's your choice. Or theirs if they don't reciprocate. Live your life--not theirs. And while I'm handing out trite fortune cookies: never play cards with a man who as the same first name as a city and never date a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. "C'est finis!" -French Jesus I only have experience with my own family who is fairly open and loving in general. They still send me religious-themed gifts and I still nonchalantly dismiss their religous-based biases. What’s worked for my wife and I is this:
1) don’t debate religion (no one’s going to be convinced on either side)
2) be upfront with boundaries–don’t be a doormat (“no we’re not goin to church with you, but we will drop you off”–when they’re in town for a visit)
3) do your part to maintain the relationship (I told my parents that they raised me well and I was grateful for it; I email my little brother while he serves his mormon mission–despite being appalled most times at his one-sided, cult-sounding missives “from the field.”)

If you want a relationship with them, then let them know it and work at it. It’s your choice. Or theirs if they don’t reciprocate. Live your life–not theirs.

And while I’m handing out trite fortune cookies: never play cards with a man who as the same first name as a city and never date a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body.

“C’est finis!”
-French Jesus

]]> By: Grimalkin http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215636 Grimalkin Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:16:13 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215636 I think the more complex issue is how to let go of family members who are hateful toward your lack of belief without hurting your relationship with family members who are understanding but don't want to deal with a rift... I think the more complex issue is how to let go of family members who are hateful toward your lack of belief without hurting your relationship with family members who are understanding but don’t want to deal with a rift…

]]> By: Dwight Welch http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215408 Dwight Welch Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:56:15 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215408 My liberal Christian views have been enough to estrange me from my fundamentalist sister. We haven't spoken in about 5 years. It first started with her trying to convert me and I tried to respond. But then I made the decision to not enter into such discussions but when she wasn't in a position to convert me she refused to speak with me anymore. I suspect there are other things going on in the background (not being out to her and yet single at 36, being an adoptee of the family in my teenage years, etc) but it's still something that weighs on me. I've always had an open door policy but I gave up trying to contact her after years of no success. Not sure if there is a way to proceed. My liberal Christian views have been enough to estrange me from my fundamentalist sister. We haven’t spoken in about 5 years. It first started with her trying to convert me and I tried to respond. But then I made the decision to not enter into such discussions but when she wasn’t in a position to convert me she refused to speak with me anymore.

I suspect there are other things going on in the background (not being out to her and yet single at 36, being an adoptee of the family in my teenage years, etc) but it’s still something that weighs on me. I’ve always had an open door policy but I gave up trying to contact her after years of no success. Not sure if there is a way to proceed.

]]> By: TXatheist http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215401 TXatheist Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:43:32 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215401 Maybe it was the military where I developed the ability to not take it personal but I've had 3 arguments and 2 of the 3 are now back to the way they were relationship wise. Heck, even my grandma was cool this Easter and didn't give my son a chocolate cross out of consideration( I was touched by her thoughtfulness) My bro-in-law can suck it until he comes off his high horse:) Maybe it was the military where I developed the ability to not take it personal but I’ve had 3 arguments and 2 of the 3 are now back to the way they were relationship wise. Heck, even my grandma was cool this Easter and didn’t give my son a chocolate cross out of consideration( I was touched by her thoughtfulness) My bro-in-law can suck it until he comes off his high horse:)

]]> By: Elizabeth http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215230 Elizabeth Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:47:28 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215230 @ ubi dubius - Your comment: "We simply repeated, “we’re not a religious family.” is exactly what my dad uses! It's such an uncontroversial thing to say that hopefully wouldn't "ruffle any feathers". The original question's phrase "let go" really applies to me now because soon I will be leaving my conservative hometown to go back to a more liberal town (Austin) and probably will not back for much time next summer. There are a lot of people here that don't know I'm atheist and that I am actually vice-president of a student atheist group at college. When people ask me what I do for extracurriculars, I would out myself by merely mentioning that group. I seriously just want to tell a lot of people that I know, "Yup, I'm a strong atheist and am not ashamed of it!" but I know that I would lose a bunch of friends and acquaintances here if I did so. Then there are those atheists that tell me I should "out myself" because they're (the potential friends I would lose) not accepting anyway. I really don't know what to do with this situation. It's really hard to find freethinking people or just liberal people for that matter here. And honestly, I don't like a lot of the atheists that I meet - some are too militant, some have no morals, and some are too exclusive. Then again, there aren't many atheists to start with. But I am very thankful for my immediate family - my atheist dad and brother, deist mother, and skeptic sister! @ ubi dubius – Your comment: “We simply repeated, “we’re not a religious family.” is exactly what my dad uses! It’s such an uncontroversial thing to say that hopefully wouldn’t “ruffle any feathers”.

The original question’s phrase “let go” really applies to me now because soon I will be leaving my conservative hometown to go back to a more liberal town (Austin) and probably will not back for much time next summer. There are a lot of people here that don’t know I’m atheist and that I am actually vice-president of a student atheist group at college. When people ask me what I do for extracurriculars, I would out myself by merely mentioning that group. I seriously just want to tell a lot of people that I know, “Yup, I’m a strong atheist and am not ashamed of it!” but I know that I would lose a bunch of friends and acquaintances here if I did so. Then there are those atheists that tell me I should “out myself” because they’re (the potential friends I would lose) not accepting anyway.

I really don’t know what to do with this situation. It’s really hard to find freethinking people or just liberal people for that matter here.

And honestly, I don’t like a lot of the atheists that I meet – some are too militant, some have no morals, and some are too exclusive. Then again, there aren’t many atheists to start with.

But I am very thankful for my immediate family – my atheist dad and brother, deist mother, and skeptic sister!

]]> By: Justin http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215188 Justin Mon, 04 Aug 2008 04:19:02 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215188 Remember it's up to you if you love them or not. Even if they don't seem to be very loving right now. Some times just distancing yourself for a while will allow the rift to heal up. Meantime, find lots of friends who love you for you. It really helps. My parents, upon discovering I was not a Christian, went as far as to help my ex hide my daughter from me, yet now, a couple of years later, we can be civil with each other. They will always be uncomfortable around me. They identify themselves too strongly with the faith to allow an unbeliever to be around without it hurting their feelings. But we can talk on the phone and have dinner and all that. I take what I can get. All that said, though, it hurts like hell a lot of the time and I cannot imagine that'll change without a major epiphany on their part. Remember it’s up to you if you love them or not. Even if they don’t seem to be very loving right now.

Some times just distancing yourself for a while will allow the rift to heal up. Meantime, find lots of friends who love you for you. It really helps.

My parents, upon discovering I was not a Christian, went as far as to help my ex hide my daughter from me, yet now, a couple of years later, we can be civil with each other.

They will always be uncomfortable around me. They identify themselves too strongly with the faith to allow an unbeliever to be around without it hurting their feelings. But we can talk on the phone and have dinner and all that. I take what I can get.

All that said, though, it hurts like hell a lot of the time and I cannot imagine that’ll change without a major epiphany on their part.

]]> By: jtradke http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215145 jtradke Mon, 04 Aug 2008 03:11:28 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215145 What do you mean, "how do you let them go"? You just do, if that's what you actually want to do. I suspect you're asking the wrong question, though. Actively shunning them is probably more aggravation than it's worth. I'd suggest working on your self-esteem, especially when in their presence. If you're self-confident enough that you don't let them drag you down to their level, you'll be untouchable. What do you mean, “how do you let them go”? You just do, if that’s what you actually want to do. I suspect you’re asking the wrong question, though. Actively shunning them is probably more aggravation than it’s worth. I’d suggest working on your self-esteem, especially when in their presence. If you’re self-confident enough that you don’t let them drag you down to their level, you’ll be untouchable.

]]> By: Amy Black http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215144 Amy Black Mon, 04 Aug 2008 03:10:49 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215144 Having been out of Christiaity for a year, the best advice I can give is to always always be the calm, friendly polite one in the conversation about religion. Even if the other person is being accusing, presumptous or demeaning, that doesn't give you the right to be the same way. That may not fix the situation but it will ward off further problems. Secondly, don't wear yourself out trying to convince someone to accept you. People change when they are ready to change and not a second sooner. It hurts like hell when you lose someone over your lack of beliefs, I know, but the best you can do is hang out with people who do accept you and hope that your hurt friends/family will accept you eventually. Having been out of Christiaity for a year, the best advice I can give is to always always be the calm, friendly polite one in the conversation about religion. Even if the other person is being accusing, presumptous or demeaning, that doesn’t give you the right to be the same way. That may not fix the situation but it will ward off further problems.

Secondly, don’t wear yourself out trying to convince someone to accept you. People change when they are ready to change and not a second sooner. It hurts like hell when you lose someone over your lack of beliefs, I know, but the best you can do is hang out with people who do accept you and hope that your hurt friends/family will accept you eventually.

]]> By: llewelly http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215140 llewelly Mon, 04 Aug 2008 03:02:24 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215140 Cut them off for 5 years. Then give them a second chance and see how they treat you. It worked wonders for me. Cut them off for 5 years. Then give them a second chance and see how they treat you.
It worked wonders for me.

]]> By: ubi dubius http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215138 ubi dubius Mon, 04 Aug 2008 02:57:25 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/08/03/how-to-let-go-of-the-family/#comment-215138 I have a younger brother who's a fundamentalist baptist. We have told him we're not a religious family, but I don't think he understands what that means. We have strong disagreements on religion and politics. We do our best to not bring them up. When they do come up, I try jujitsu, no I don't hit him, I move away from him rather than fighting him. For example, when he tried to take me to the creation museum, I begged off that we had made other plans. I did not tell him that wild dinosaurs couldn't drag me there. In his house, I saw pictures his kids colored about how geologic layers were laid down by the flood. I don't confront him or my niece and nephews, I ignore it. It's his house. If he asks me to say the blessing, I decline. When he says the blessing, I'm respectful, but I don't join in. We receive some religious gifts from them, such as Usher's Complete History of the World, all 6,000 years of it. It made a good regift to a conservative colleague who loves it. On the occasions he says things that could be considered objectionable, but they aren't intentional, and I ignore them. The situation would be different if he were intentionally confrontational about it. The closest we came to confrontation was sending them some christian jewelry given to us by others (we thought your daughter would enjoy this more than our daughters would). This initiated questions from him that we simply didn't want to answer. We simply repeated, "we're not a religious family." BTW, this brother isn't listed as a guardian for my kids. I don't think he is capable of raising them with the freedom to be atheists. I doubt we're on his list either! I have a younger brother who’s a fundamentalist baptist. We have told him we’re not a religious family, but I don’t think he understands what that means. We have strong disagreements on religion and politics. We do our best to not bring them up. When they do come up, I try jujitsu, no I don’t hit him, I move away from him rather than fighting him. For example, when he tried to take me to the creation museum, I begged off that we had made other plans. I did not tell him that wild dinosaurs couldn’t drag me there. In his house, I saw pictures his kids colored about how geologic layers were laid down by the flood. I don’t confront him or my niece and nephews, I ignore it. It’s his house. If he asks me to say the blessing, I decline. When he says the blessing, I’m respectful, but I don’t join in. We receive some religious gifts from them, such as Usher’s Complete History of the World, all 6,000 years of it. It made a good regift to a conservative colleague who loves it.

On the occasions he says things that could be considered objectionable, but they aren’t intentional, and I ignore them. The situation would be different if he were intentionally confrontational about it.

The closest we came to confrontation was sending them some christian jewelry given to us by others (we thought your daughter would enjoy this more than our daughters would). This initiated questions from him that we simply didn’t want to answer. We simply repeated, “we’re not a religious family.”

BTW, this brother isn’t listed as a guardian for my kids. I don’t think he is capable of raising them with the freedom to be atheists. I doubt we’re on his list either!

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