Comments on: How Does an Atheist Explain Death to His Children?

By: M

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 21:49:21 +0000

Don’t fear death; fear not living.

By: M

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 21:16:20 +0000

I favor certain humanistic views on death that have comforted me for my whole life; and, I suspect will continue to do so until it ends:

“I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.” – Mark Twain (Attributed)

“Accustom yourself to believing that death is nothing to us, for good and evil imply the capacity for sensation, and death is the privation of all sentience; therefore a correct understanding that death is nothing to us makes the mortality of life enjoyable, not by adding to life a limitless time, but by taking away the yearning after immortality. For life has no terrors for him who has thoroughly understood that there are no terrors for him in ceasing to live. Foolish, therefore, is the man who says that he fears death, not because it will pain when it comes, but because it pains in the prospect. Whatever causes no annoyance when it is present, causes only a groundless pain in the expectation. Death, therefore, the most awful of evils, is nothing to us, seeing that, when we are, death is not come, and, when death is come, we are not. It is nothing, then, either to the living or to the dead, for with the living it is not and the dead exist no longer. But in the world, at one time men shun death as the greatest of all evils, and at another time choose it as a respite from the evils in life. The wise man does not deprecate life nor does he fear the cessation of life. The thought of life is no offense to him, nor is the cessation of life regarded as an evil.” – Epicurus, “Letter to Menoeceus”

“The soul, therefore, if immortal, existed before our birth; and if the former existence noways concerned us, neither will the latter.” – David Hume, “On The Immortality of the Soul” (1755)

“Death is nothing to us; for the body, when it has been resolved into its elements, has no feeling, and that which has no feeling is nothing to us. ” – Epicurus, “Principle Doctrines,” Maxim 2.

“Life is a vacation from two eternities, who wants to waste those precious years worrying about what happens when you get back to forever?” – William S. Burroughs

“Any doctrine is suspect if it is favoured by our passions. The hopes and fears that gave rise to this doctrine of the soul’s immortality are very obvious. ” – David Hume, “The Immortality of the Soul” (1755)

“Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy afternoon.” – Susan Ertz

“Whoever says he knows that immortality is a fact is merely hoping that it is so.” – Carl Van Doren, “Why I am an Unbeliever”

By: Miss Poppy

Miss Poppy — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 20:23:23 +0000

I don’t fear my own death, but I do very much mourn the loss of my loved ones when they die.

About my own death I have two comforting frameworks.

I play in the ocean a lot, and love feeling carried by the water. When I swim, or even just watch the ocean, I feel I’m on the edge of eternity or death, and all my problems are behind me. It’s an incredibly peaceful feeling. The ocean, or life, plays with me, like a child, and then sends me back to the world. But one day life will keep me and I’ll be absorbed back into the swarming, pulsating, growing, changing energy of life.

My personality, my memories, my possessions, my relationships – all would pale if I had the consciousness to care. I’ll still be here – not as I – but as part of all life. This brings me peace, not anxiety.

Sometimes I do a meditation where I let go of all these things. I start with the easy stuff, the bills, and move on, letting go of every desire and attachment. It’s very liberating. By the end, all that’s left is peace and quiet. I think it’s practice for death.

My second thought has to do with my family. I have a very big family and imagine each member as a page in a very big book. My page is not finished, but one day will be. I’ll be there in that book with all my aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. They lived and died, just like I will. Even in death they are necessary to our family. I suppose these thoughts are close to ancestor veneration, but this has also brought me peace.

I think Christianity brings a dread of death because it refuses to look at life as a cycle. We’re born “badly” in a bloody mess, are born again the right way through the cerebral word of a man, and then we die and go to heaven. Only no one has ever seen heaven and no one, I don’t believe even Christians, believes it exists. Christianity is linear. Beginning…end. No cycle. Christianity does not describe the truth of life and death.

We used to see birth and life and death and birth again every day and understood well our place in the cycle. With Christianity and modernity we no longer have that comfort. We no longer know our place in life, and so are afraid to die.

I think if parents helped their children grow little gardens, even window sill gardens, and the children could see the complete cycles of life again and again, their anxieties would lessen.

But, hell, what do I know?

Two movies – “Jacob’s Ladder” and “Thin Red Line” – really helped me come to terms with death.

By: Kevin

Kevin — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:05:57 +0000

“Daddy, what happens to us after we die?”
“No one knows. I doubt anything happens. But if you live this life right, then once should be good enough.”
– Karim Temple, giving example of how he, as an agnostic atheist father, might respond to the child he may have some day, in regards to the topic of afterlife, in re: “WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?“

By: hoverFrog

hoverFrog — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:35:47 +0000

I do think that getting short lived pets (rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, rats, etc) does help to prepare a child for death and aging. That’s in addition to the fun of caring for a beastie. Birds and fish seem to be able to live forever. So do cats for that matter.

We’ve had dozens of animals over the years and the kids loved each one of them. when they inevitably die they quickly come to terms with it and gorw up accepting that it is naturally a part of living.

By: Tao Jones

Tao Jones — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 07:41:37 +0000

Well, I’m not a parent but I did come to terms with my mortality at a fairly young age (12 or 13 or so) based on an epiphany I had.

Everything dies… and death is a very important part of life. Death is what lets new things grow. As individuals we’re just one tiny part in a larger ecosystem. It’s that insignificance in the grand scheme of things that makes us special. Every breath we take is precious as is every opportunity we have to do good and show our loved ones how much we appreciate them. Mortality reminds us not to take anything for granted.

Personally, I’m kind of looking forward to rotting away as I feel it is completely repaying the debt for all I have taken from the world. I’m food and I’m more than comfortable with my body feeding worms and maggots. That might be a little much for an 8 year old… but… still.

Another way I look at it is that I hope to love my children so much that they will pass on my love to their children. I hope to teach them to laugh and learn and love life. When they teach their children the same things, it will be my love of life being passed on. So if she’s had a pet that she loved, remind her that she still remembers and loves that pet even after it passed away… just like people are going to continue to love her after she dies many, many years from now.

So help her appreciate life rather than fearing death. After all, we’re here for a good time, not a long time.

By: 5ive

5ive — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 06:17:36 +0000

I think a good idea for any child (or adult for that matter)with death anxiety is to ask them what they think happens after death and why. tell them what you think and why. Tell them what other people think and why they think that and you don’t. Give them some options. Open up the conversation and find out exactly what it is that freaks them out.
I have a lot of skulls around (for artwork) and my kids have grown up around them. We also spend a good amount of time talking about how the body works, what makes it die, etc. There is a great radio lab show about mortality that kids can listen to with their parents. Great for opening up discussions.
While I do have a slight fixation with bones and biology, I have never had any death anxiety. I only feel bad for those who will grieve my death. Me, I will no longer exist, so I could care less about that part.
Nick, I used to have weird dreams/ideas like that, too. Now that I have kids, they are usually about scenarios in which someone breaks into our house and I have to defend my kids. Yuck. The best way I have found to get them to stop is to start thinking about how I would spend a billion dollars. changes your train of thought right-quick!

By: Linda

Linda — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 05:19:08 +0000

My son, between the ages of 6-12, used to be extremely preoccupied with death and aging. The subject seemed to always come at bedtime. Perhaps getting ready to go to sleep, which children may somehow connect to the idea of death, brings up fears that are not present during the day when they are actively involved with other things.

A child psychologist told us that he had worry and anxiety issues. Psychotherapy was recommended, but we decided against it. We just continued to openly discuss it whenever it came up. We presented him with all schools of thought that we know of, as we do with any subject.

I personally believe that we are more than just our bodies and that death, in a way, is the beginning of something else. There’s no anxiety and no fear…just a slight sense of regret/excitement (?).

When people get consumed with thoughts about death, they forget how to live.

My son is now 14, in great psychological health, and no longer struggles with those thoughts. He has naturally outgrown them. He is, for now at least, pretty comfortable with the idea of death.

Death is a part of life. We all have to face it at one point or another. There’s nothing wrong or bad about it.

By: Elsin Ann Perry

Elsin Ann Perry — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 04:57:39 +0000

When I think of my death, which is a lot closer than that of most people’s, I remember Richard Dawkins’ “We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia….in the the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.”

I am so lucky to have been born, to have experienced this life! I can’t ask for more.

And I’m sorry I have no answers for the original questioner.

By: Julie Marie

Julie Marie — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 01:57:09 +0000

we just went through the death issue with our 11 year old dog. I explained that Chessie just quit breathing, and that I tried CPR but it didn’t work, so Mr. Tom (our neighbor) helped me take her body to the vet, and they would change her body to ashes by cremation. I wasn’t sure if this was too much information, so I stopped, but he asked a follow on question so I told him we have her changed to ashes so we can bury her in the back yard under her favorite tree. He’s smart emough to understand burying a 100 lb dog in its natural state would be an awfully hard thing to do.

He was fine with the dry facts – until our religious neighbor came over and started crying about people who say there’s no dogs in heaven. Good grief. Cody looked at me for the scoop and I was stuck. I didn’t want to go theological with my fundy friend sobbing on the couch so I just yammerred about how some people call that “happy hunting grounds” and what we remember about chestnut is how she loved to run and chase balls, etc. He accepted that without further comment.

He hasn’t asked about Mommy or Daddy dying – I guess I’ll tell him that is why we work hard to make healthy choices, so we can live a long time and enjoy him as he grows up and then play with his children, if he decides he wants children.