In the end, he couldn’t get over the fact that (in his words) my “intellect got in the way” of having faith, and that I was NEVER going to even pretend to RESPECT his chosen brand of magical thinking, any more than I (or he) would pretend to respect the beliefs of a Scientologist. Worse still, I actively seek to discredit public figures he holds in high esteem because they are a threat to my First Amendment rights.

At least 3 weeks before the final “Sayonara,” I realized there was simply no way I could partner up with this guy for good (no matter how much I love him like my own kin) when he steadfastly denied the biological fact that humans are primates. Along with his refusal to listen to (much less actually research on his own) even a minimal amount of the history of his chosen flavor of Christianity, I had to finally admit that despite his otherwise stellar intellect and ability to rationally analyze anything else under the Sun, when push came to shove he’d always be blinded by the Jesus-goggles.

At my age (47), any man whose self-worth and worldview hinges upon “faith” simply isn’t emotionally or intellectually mature enough for me to consider as a potential mate. The older I get the less tolerant I am of anyone who makes claims and is either unwilling or unable to back them up; even more so those who take offense at being asked to do so. Be a grownup or begone!

I’m a vocal, unapologetic and I’m sure many would say MILITANT atheist. It stands to reason that the probability of successfully pairing up with a theist of any sort is extremely low. Meanwhile, I’m sure I’ll have any number of interesting discussions and arguments, which is just fine by me!

My current girlfriend of two years is into some kind of NewAge/Buddhist spirituality. I initially downplayed its significance. But now it is an issue, as I became a real skeptic and antitheist over the course of recent year, and found out a bit more about her beliefs. So it’s pretty confusing – being with a person, who doesn’t understand skepticism, and whose thinking is very obviously flawed, I can’t feel quite true to myself. Yet I do love her, and she has no problem with atheism, so I hope these things will work out fine.

BTW, I find it much more challenging to argue with such a ‘custom-crafted’ set of superstition (based on ‘personal experience’), than an established religion. Wish me luck (duh, that’s so superstitious!) .

My mom and dad are both Jewish culturally, but are secular when it comes to religion. Although they had similar religious (or lack thereof) beliefs, their marriage only lasted 10 years or so before they separated and then divorced.

My father’s second marriage:
My father quickly remarried at age 38, marrying a woman much younger than he. She was Catholic, but was a 22 year old party girl who certainly didn’t seem to have religious characteristics when they dated or for the first few years of their marriage. However, after she had 2 children, one day, as she puts its, she felt the spirit of God enter her. She then became a born-again/fundamentalist Christian, having everything in her life revolve around God, the bible, and the church. I would have thought that my father, who is not religious at all, would have ended up leaving her. But, despite her fervent fundamentalist beliefs and attitudes (which she has had for over 25 years now) he has not only remained married to her for 33 years, but he says he is still in love with her as much today as he was the day he married her. I have no idea if he would ever say that he considers himself an atheist (I think given his generation, he would probably use the term “secular”), but, I certainly consider him one.

My mother’s second marriage:
My mother dated a Jewish guy who was a ladies man. They would go out dancing and go out for dinner, including lobster dinners. They dated for a while and she fell in love with him. All seemed good, and then, shortly before he proposed — six months or so, if memory serves — , his doctor warned him that he might not make it through a surgery because of his excessive smoking. Well, he ended up making a deal with God that he would dedicated his life to him if he would pull him through the surgery. After he survived, he made good on his promise and became ‘Baal Teshuva’ (sometimes referred to as “a born again Jew”), and embraced Jewish orthodoxy fully. Although orthodoxy was at complete odds with her view on life, she decided to marry him because she was already in love with him and she hoped that she could return him to the man he used to be. To her chagrin, he instead became more and more deeply religious, and imposed full orthodoxy upon her (he would not let her use hot water on the sabbath, would not let her drive on the sabbath, etc.). Although she has remained married to him for 20 years, I think that her marriage has been a miserable one for the most part (my relatives are of the same opinion).

As for me:
Having seen the dynamics of both of my parent’s second marriages, I knew that I never wanted to find myself in that situation. I wanted to be with someone who was aligned with me mentally and spiritually. Seven years ago I began dating a woman. Early conversations revealed that she considered herself a Christian (she was an Episcopalian, and was upset how fundamentalists co-opted the term “Christian”). Although I was a little shaken by the fact that I was into this girl who saw herself as a Christian,noting that she didn’t behave in a pious manner, I decided to keep dating her and see how things go. As the relationship developed, I discussed with her why I was an atheist, and let her know that I could never see myself marrying or remaining married to someone who became very religious. I also tried to feel out the reasons that she thought that Jesus was a diving being, and what she thought God was. I also took her to many of my family gatherings, where she got to hear all of my born-again siblings speak, as well as my step-mom. Over time, she began to see the logic in my views and began to see not only the zaniness of taking the Bible as literal, but also how people, such as my siblings, who believed this were being turned into political pawns to cause great harm to society (no gay marriage, stop sex education, no stem cell research for medical advancement, stop teaching evolution as a solid scientific theory, etc.). I consider myself an atheist. I don’t know what term she would use to describe herself, but in my opinion she is now as much Episcopalian as I am Jewish (although she has the culture, she has no belief that the Bible is a holy book). She and I are very happy together, have lived together for years, and are now engaged to one another.

The key to an atheist/theist relationship? Respect. I refrain from making religious jokes, he understands that religion makes me uncomfortable. We respect each other’s theological differences: I’d never be with him if he had the balls to try to convert me, and he wouldn’t be with me if I always told him he’s delusional. Compromise helps, too – we’ve agreed to a church wedding, for example. As for kids (ex. church VS no church), we’ll see what happens.

It helps a LOT that he is the GOOD kind of Christian. You know, actually Christ-like. He isn’t about hating “TEH HOMOZ N HERETICZ N STUFF” and uses his religious beliefs positively, to better himself. He’s one of those people that isn’t obviously religious – he doesn’t preach, doesn’t use blatantly religious speak all the time, only prays at church and big meals, etc. And he’s ridiculously kind, forgiving, patient, and all those positive personality traits. If he was something otherwise, that would be a deal breaker. I could NEVER be with a bible-thumping, book-burning, hate-spewing fundie psycho.

If I died an atheist, I’d probably end up in hell.

I can actually understand this. If it’s what you believe, then I can live with that. As horrible as that sounds, the only thing I really care about is a second point, wherein lay the difference between the two girls.

The first girl had a hard time reconciling her God as one that would send someone as “good” as me to hell. She struggled with it. It was a moral dilemma. She loved me, I know that much — and she also wondered what kind of heaven she could possibly enjoy, knowing that I was in hell. She was willing to ask the question, and although it did not shake her belief in God, at least she wanted her god to be at least as moral as she was. We had an amicable breakup and we’re still great friends to this day. I think we both struggle with matters of faith, but we end up landing on different sides of the fence. I’m okay with that.

The second girl believed I deserved hell. I’m also sure she loved me as well. This is where the real insanity of Christian thought comes in to play. Christians are perfectly capable of holding these two contradictory notions in their heads, that a person could simultaneously deserve eternal punishment for their sins, but also love them for the person they are here on Earth. I broke up with her because of the fallout from this question. I couldn’t look her in the eye with the knowledge that she would be willing to watch me burn, and call it justice.

During our dinner, he mentioned God, his faith, and his church (Resurrection MCC, a member of the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches—”the gay church”) several times. Finally, I decided that coming out was in order. I said, “I’m an atheist. Is that a problem for you?”

Then he spent 15 minutes rationalizing how it didn’t have to be a problem for him as long as I didn’t have a problem with his beliefs and practices. In the course of his explanation, he used the phrase “unequally yoked” several times. I wasn’t familiar with the term, but it was obvious from the way he used it that he’d given this a lot of thought.

At the end of the evening, I went home and looked up “unequally yoked.” It’s a reference to 2 Corinthians 6:14–18, in which Paul exhorts Christians, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” (Check out more inspiring words for all you “unequally yoked” couples: unequallyyoked.net.)

I called him later and said, “I haven’t made up my mind about Christians, but I don’t want to date a hypocrite. If you believe that you’re righteous and I’m wicked, but you still want to go out with me, I think you need to take a more careful look at your faith.”

It’s hard to imagine a meaningful relationship with someone who starts from the assumption that I’m evil.