Comments on: Ask Richard: Arabian Nights, American Days

By: Aj

Aj — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 18:44:50 +0000

You take risks in any relationship, you could meet the wrong Western man that suddenly changes, gets you to move away from your family and friends. One risk factor that can be eliminated is travelling to backwards countries like Saudi Arabia with a repressive culture and corrupt government. At least in the West you have equal rights. Even if someone is “westernized” doesn’t mean they won’t use religion or culture against you if things go south. I think there’s been a case of a Western man using Sharia law against his wife in Dubai, even though they weren’t permanent residents.

I have read sociologists noting that if people are isolated from their culture, then they don’t have much problem adopting another culture. However, when they are once again emerged in their own culture, with peer pressure, family pressure, they can quickly revert to completely different stances. Getting to know them in the West, isolated from their family, is different than getting to know them with family influence.

Immigrants to the West can be great people with great values. If they’re here because of the culture of freedom and rationalism, as a lot are, that places them above a lot of the “natives” in my book.

By: Ex Partiot

Ex Partiot — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:07:30 +0000

Get away from him as quick as possible. This relationship can only end one way for you, a major disaster in all respects. Remember a women is nothing more than a piece of property to be owned by these people and they can do what they want with her and you will end up with no rights what so ever

By: Stephen P

Stephen P — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 08:02:54 +0000

My experience in this area is not remotely comparable with Richard’s, but I do at least have the experience of having married someone from another country, with another mother tongue. (But we were both from “western” countries, so the cultural gap was very much smaller.) Before that I had dated other woman where there was a larger cultural gap.

One advice I would give (to everyone, cross-cultural relationship or not) is to first meet the prospective in-laws before making a decision on a permanent relationship. It will help you understand the background of your partner and, at the very least, suggest plenty of questions to ask. The younger your partner is, the more important this is.

And if their mother tongue is different, then learn their language well enough to at least carry out a basic conversation. Yes, that is quite a lot of work, but making a cross-cultural marriage successful is likely to be a lot of work anyway, and ignorance of your partner’s mother tongue makes it a lot harder. (My wife and I speak each other’s language with complete fluency, and we are bringing our children up bilingually.)

If meeting the prospective in-laws while still unmarried is not possible for cultural reasons – and in Saudi Arabia I understand it would be difficult if not impossible – then that would for me probably be a deal-breaker. In countries like Turkey, Lebanon and Jordan it would probably be feasible.

Of course I understand that the world is not simple. In some cases it may be impossible to meet the prospective in-laws for purely financial reasons, or they may be trapped in a war zone. Or your partner may have permanently cut all contacts with his family – though that in itself would be a reason for exercising caution. But the general advice stands.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:33:57 +0000

If the relationship goes well and you want to meet his fimily, perhaps meet them in Jordan.

By: whatabastor

whatabastor — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:32:38 +0000

Hello,
I’m an agnostic from Saudi, I can say one thing… “he” might be the man of your dreams… but family and peer pressure are very big forces in the region… so, if he is willing to live with you it he west.. cool, but do not think you might be able to live there with those views… I cannot even tell my best friends of what I really think… I know its like that with all religious communities.

By: hoverfrog

hoverfrog — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 22:45:13 +0000

My friend Heather had a similar experience when she tried to leave her husband in Indonesia. Unfortunately she wasn’t allowed to leave the country without her husband’s written permission. I imagine that there are lots of stories like this. Why bother telling the stories of reasonable and understanding husbands and families?

Cautionary tales serve a purpose. In any big decision we should plan for the worst and hope for the best.