Worst Dilemma Ever

October 4, 2009 By Guest Contributor 36 Comments

A Klondike bar in your freezer begins talking to you, claiming to be the voice of God. It instructs you to slay your firstborn son. What would you do-o-o?

(via McSweeney’s)

Filed Under: General, Humor 36 Comments
  • Shane

    Empirically verify the voice as coming from God through extensive experimentation and third party independent confirmation. Once that fails, I would eat it and check myself into a psychiatric facility.

    Although for me, it would be quite easy. I don’t have any children. Pretty big mistake for an allegedly all-knowing God.

  • http://gusonthought.blogspot.com Gustavo Keener

    That is hilarious, and @Shane, I wish I could top that comment.

    For my part, I would sacrifice the Klondike bar on my altar of toothiness, and like the Borg, assimilate it.

  • Baconsbud

    The problem with this question is those that would probably do it will claim that it is a stupid situation. I would say any voice telling you to kill isn’t out for the good of anyone.

  • Mike

    I’d kill a neighborhood child since I don’t have any of my own. Then I’d eat the Klondike bar, go out and buy a new box of them, and bring it to the family of the child so they could enjoy the good news and give thanks that their child was a part of something so awesome and is now enjoying 40 fresh ice cream bars in the big freezer in the sky.

  • DreamDevil

    I don’t have any firstborn…. so that could be a problem.

  • cyn

    Sorry, god. I’m broke and my first born lives on the other side of the country.

  • Jerad

    I’d do it; I’d do anything for the rich creamy chocolaty goodness of a Klondike bar.

  • Wendy

    First, I put the Klondike bar down the garbage disposal, to keep myself from eating it.

    Next, I make an appointment with a psychiatrist, because ice cream sandwiches can’t talk.

  • Matt

    I would become one with the Lord, and eat it.

  • Tony Pro

    I would go slay my firstborn son.

    Then I would make up a lot of factual stories that verified my delusions.

    I would then convince 1000′s of ignorant people that I needed lots of money to continue in the name of my Klondike.

    I would proceed, with the money, and buy much real estate, creating an empire in which I would rule supreme!

    Then I would gather some little boys.

  • H

    Is it a problem that I had to Google “Klondike bar” to find out what it is?

  • Alec

    Well, since I don’t have a son, or any children really, I’d eat the Klondike bar.

  • vark

    You Godless scoffers – I have voices telling me what to do all the time – it is really cool & helpful – God talks to me thru the microwave cooker.

  • gharkness

    I would eat it, of course! I have heard many an ice cream treat speaking loudly, calling my name…..and besides, how would the act of eating a food that is thought to be “God” be any different than communion? See? I’d be upholding a long and honored tradition.

    Oh, and I’m afraid my firstborn son is way bigger and stronger than I am. Not much chance of me slaying him, not that I would try.

  • http://auryn29a.livejournal.com Auryn

    I’d eat the Klondike bar then go talk to my doctor about changing my medication.

  • NassT

    I’d kill the kid. It wouldn’t be the worst thing I’ve done for a klondike bar.

  • Luther

    I’d send it to the father of a christian I did not like.

  • Sandra

    I’d offer up his father instead. :P

  • Geoff

    Being diabetic, I already know that the Klondike bar is a servant of Satan. Hence, goes to wife for destruction. We’ve saved the world from Satan! :-)

  • http://hoverfrog.wordpress.com hoverFrog

    I had to google Klondike bar too. They look disgusting. No way would I obey anything as sickly sweet looking as that….of course there’s still the mysteruy of how it got in my freezer.

  • sven

    How is this not the work of the devil?
    I did not even know what a Klondike-bar was until 2 minutes ago. Now I do know what is is, I crave chocolate and ice-cream!
    Should I check the fridge to see if there is a god (leaving me a Klondike bar)?

  • The Other Tom

    Call a babysitter, and then go jump in the harbor and drown myself. I’ve seen schizophrenia in action, I would not want to live that way.

  • Erp

    Assuming I wasn’t too far gone, call in someone to check out the kitchen and myself for hallucinogens (especially the Klondike bar) or health problems that might affect my mind. Also check for hidden speaker in fridge.

  • Todd

    Mr. Klondike bar, may I introduce you to Mr. Microwave.

  • http://infophilia.blogspot.com Infophile

    Wait out the trip, then never take acid again.

  • http://www.examiner.com/x-4275-Secularism-Examiner Paul Fidalgo

    I don’t know, but that is effing hilarious.

  • K

    I get to kill children… AND there’s ice cream???

    I’ve been blessed. XD

    The only way this situation could improve is if I also got to set things on fire.

    Burnt offering, anyone?

  • Richard Wade

    I wouldn’t eat the Klondike bar, because that would be taking the Voice into me. Instead, I’d give it to my firstborn to eat, who’d say, “Gee thanks, Dad!” Being eaten by its intended victim, the Voice would be destroyed and my psychotic process would be canceled out.

    Then I’d go get some Haagen Dazs and stop fooling around with the cheap stuff.

  • Christophe Thill

    No, the cop-out (“it’s all in my head”) is too easy. If you want to really unsettle a true believer, here’s what to ask.
    A voice in the sky tells you: “Hi, I’m your God and I’m asking you to slaughter your firstborn”.
    So you go “Heh heh, it’s all in my head. Must stop the booze”.
    And a lightning bolt comes down from the sky and strikes just at your feet. On the pavement it carves the following words: “You wanted proof, here it is. Now obey me”.
    To top it all, a friend passes by and asks you: “Hey, how did you write those words? When I walked along 5 minutes ago, they weren’t there!”

    So, Mr true believer, what do you do now?

  • Lilith

    I’d be shocked to find a Klondike bar in my freezer because they don’t sell them in Australia and it would have had to appear by supernatural means.
    Or I was hallucinating worse than the others in this thread and need even more help.
    Either way, I never listen to instructions from dairy products.

  • John L

    I’d lie and say I did it and then quickly eat the Klondike bar in an attempt to absorb the god’s powers.

  • Holly

    Stupid Klondike bar. Doesn’t it know that most good athiests have already eaten all the available babies/offspring? It is showing a dreadful lack of omniscience, so… it must be of the devil. Devil’s food… chocolate. Better than babies! I say eat the bar.

  • http://www.heavingdeadcats.com/ Neece

    I’d eat it and ignore the voice of god, assuming I had simply gone too long without eating.

    Since I don’t have children, and killing a child is rather heinous, I would not want to listen to such an amoral and insane god anyway. I’d have to just eat the klondike bar.

    This cracked me up!

  • llewelly

    A Klondike bar in your freezer begins talking to you, claiming to be the voice of God. It instructs you to slay your firstborn son. What would you do-o-o?

    It’s not really a big deal. This always happens when I forget to take my meds. I simply take one pill immediately, and then resume my normal schedule.

  • muggle

    See a good shrink?

  • Max Exter

    Just ask yourself: WWJDFAKB?