Comments on: Ask Richard: Being Frank and Honest With My Girlfriend About My Atheism http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/ by Hemant Mehta Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:25:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.3 By: Likewise http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-378102 Likewise Tue, 20 Oct 2009 05:25:36 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-378102 can we just exchange some contact info, and I'll buy Sans Belief a coffee?.. dating a Mormon is getting sketchy. can we just exchange some contact info, and I’ll buy Sans Belief a coffee?.. dating a Mormon is getting sketchy.

]]> By: AxeGrrl http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377114 AxeGrrl Sat, 17 Oct 2009 13:58:49 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377114 erica wrote: <blockquote><strong>Axegrrl…seriously, you’ve done this</strong>, and your friends have. Think about it this way: you have certain qualifiers before you date a guy seriously, right? Like, for example, you may want him to be college educated. But say there’s this really cool guy who’s smart but never really self-actualized his intelligence via formal schooling. <strong>You know he could do great things if he finished college — so when you tell him, “I normally only date guys with degrees, but for you I’ll make an exception” it also means, “And I’m going to get you to change and go to school!”</strong> <strong>I think it’s awfully presumptious of you to say you’ve never dated a guy and hoped he’d change, just a little</strong>. If you’ve never experienced that, congrats on finding the absolutely perfect significant other.</blockquote> Uhm, you're TELLING me what <em>I've</em> done and <strong>I'm</strong> the presumptuous one? Could you be any <em>more</em> presumptuous, seriously? I have never ever done what you've described above erica. Never. And it's not because I've ever found the 'perfect' significant other.....it's because I know no such thing exists and therefore know it would be fruitless to try to change anyone to suit my 'wants'. Hey, 'admit' to yourself whatever <em>you've</em> been guilty of doing, but don't have the nerve to paint all of us with your broad brush to make <em>yourself</em> feel better about it. erica wrote:

Axegrrl…seriously, you’ve done this, and your friends have. Think about it this way: you have certain qualifiers before you date a guy seriously, right? Like, for example, you may want him to be college educated. But say there’s this really cool guy who’s smart but never really self-actualized his intelligence via formal schooling. You know he could do great things if he finished college — so when you tell him, “I normally only date guys with degrees, but for you I’ll make an exception” it also means, “And I’m going to get you to change and go to school!”

I think it’s awfully presumptious of you to say you’ve never dated a guy and hoped he’d change, just a little. If you’ve never experienced that, congrats on finding the absolutely perfect significant other.

Uhm, you’re TELLING me what I’ve done and I’m the presumptuous one?

Could you be any more presumptuous, seriously?

I have never ever done what you’ve described above erica. Never. And it’s not because I’ve ever found the ‘perfect’ significant other…..it’s because I know no such thing exists and therefore know it would be fruitless to try to change anyone to suit my ‘wants’.

Hey, ‘admit’ to yourself whatever you’ve been guilty of doing, but don’t have the nerve to paint all of us with your broad brush to make yourself feel better about it.

]]> By: Stephen P http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377077 Stephen P Sat, 17 Oct 2009 10:45:12 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377077 erica - I was prepared to take you seriously until this bit: <blockquote>training a guy to put down the toilet seat is a necessary change in my mind</blockquote> What is the cause of the obsession that some women have with this? I can't recall having met any such women in person, fortunately, but I've heard this so often that it must be quite common. Are they the same people who make an enormous fuss about which way round the toilet roll hangs in the holder? erica – I was prepared to take you seriously until this bit:

training a guy to put down the toilet seat is a necessary change in my mind

What is the cause of the obsession that some women have with this? I can’t recall having met any such women in person, fortunately, but I’ve heard this so often that it must be quite common. Are they the same people who make an enormous fuss about which way round the toilet roll hangs in the holder?

]]> By: erica http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377060 erica Sat, 17 Oct 2009 09:34:04 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377060 Axegrrl...seriously, you've done this, and your friends have. Think about it this way: you have certain qualifiers before you date a guy seriously, right? Like, for example, you may want him to be college educated. But say there's this really cool guy who's smart but never really self-actualized his intelligence via formal schooling. You know he could do great things if he finished college -- so when you tell him, "I normally only date guys with degrees, but for you I'll make an exception" it also means, "And I'm going to get you to change and go to school!" I think most of these changes people try to inflict on each other are just people caring -- you want your guy or woman to be the best they can be. It's not necessarily a bad thing, either: training a guy to put down the toilet seat is a necessary change in my mind. It's just what people to do one another. I think it's awfully presumptious of you to say you've never dated a guy and hoped he'd change, just a little. If you've never experienced that, congrats on finding the absolutely perfect significant other. Axegrrl…seriously, you’ve done this, and your friends have. Think about it this way: you have certain qualifiers before you date a guy seriously, right? Like, for example, you may want him to be college educated. But say there’s this really cool guy who’s smart but never really self-actualized his intelligence via formal schooling. You know he could do great things if he finished college — so when you tell him, “I normally only date guys with degrees, but for you I’ll make an exception” it also means, “And I’m going to get you to change and go to school!”

I think most of these changes people try to inflict on each other are just people caring — you want your guy or woman to be the best they can be. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, either: training a guy to put down the toilet seat is a necessary change in my mind. It’s just what people to do one another. I think it’s awfully presumptious of you to say you’ve never dated a guy and hoped he’d change, just a little. If you’ve never experienced that, congrats on finding the absolutely perfect significant other.

]]> By: Stephen P http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377035 Stephen P Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:22:39 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377035 @Bob: sounds a bit like the start of my relationship with my wife (to whom I have now been married for 20 years). We had it perhaps easier because we worked near each other and saw each other often in the evenings during the week. (The last few years she hasn't however been to church very often at all.) I suggest the reasonable thing would be to agree that you will go to church with her once a month, and she will spend Sunday with you once a month. If she won't agree to that then I'm afraid the relationship probably isn't going to be a success. @Bob: sounds a bit like the start of my relationship with my wife (to whom I have now been married for 20 years). We had it perhaps easier because we worked near each other and saw each other often in the evenings during the week. (The last few years she hasn’t however been to church very often at all.)

I suggest the reasonable thing would be to agree that you will go to church with her once a month, and she will spend Sunday with you once a month. If she won’t agree to that then I’m afraid the relationship probably isn’t going to be a success.

]]> By: Aden http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377030 Aden Sat, 17 Oct 2009 05:10:56 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-377030 This conversation reminds me very much of a recent relationship of my own. I totally agree that you both must be able to be completely honest in your relationship; deception will ruin it. My girlfriend at the time was really very reasonable and understanding, but we both had to constantly lie to her entire family. Even almost a year later, I seriously doubt that any of them knew I was an atheist. It's so hard to make things work under those conditions. This conversation reminds me very much of a recent relationship of my own. I totally agree that you both must be able to be completely honest in your relationship; deception will ruin it. My girlfriend at the time was really very reasonable and understanding, but we both had to constantly lie to her entire family. Even almost a year later, I seriously doubt that any of them knew I was an atheist. It’s so hard to make things work under those conditions.

]]> By: AnonyMouse http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376999 AnonyMouse Sat, 17 Oct 2009 03:46:06 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376999 I can sum up my response to this in just one word: DTMFA. Interreligious relationships can work just fine - as can a relationship where you have to endure a few uncomfortable scenes for her sake - but a relationship in which you have to lie on a regular basis is not going to be a healthy one. And it sounds like that's what you're going to have to endure - in addition to regular doses of the religious experiences you'd prefer to avoid - if you continue this relationship. I am currently living with a fundamentalist Christian family, and I have to fudge my way through every day so that they don't kick me out of the house. I'm coping, but it's causing regular emotional strain. So I'll offer a potential regular liar some advice: DON'T DO IT. It's a complete pain in the ass and it will haunt you every day of your life. I can sum up my response to this in just one word: DTMFA. Interreligious relationships can work just fine – as can a relationship where you have to endure a few uncomfortable scenes for her sake – but a relationship in which you have to lie on a regular basis is not going to be a healthy one. And it sounds like that’s what you’re going to have to endure – in addition to regular doses of the religious experiences you’d prefer to avoid – if you continue this relationship.

I am currently living with a fundamentalist Christian family, and I have to fudge my way through every day so that they don’t kick me out of the house. I’m coping, but it’s causing regular emotional strain. So I’ll offer a potential regular liar some advice: DON’T DO IT. It’s a complete pain in the ass and it will haunt you every day of your life.

]]> By: cee http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376815 cee Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:47:43 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376815 Having spent one year with someone is nothing like spending 50+ years withthat person and lying about your true self the entire time just to keep up with her family. No fun. Having spent one year with someone is nothing like spending 50+ years withthat person and lying about your true self the entire time just to keep up with her family. No fun.

]]> By: pinkydead http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376782 pinkydead Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:03:31 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376782 @bob You don't believe in doing things by half, do you? I feel for you, Bob. Love sucks. I think I know what you're going through - it sounds like my life before we got married. @bob

You don’t believe in doing things by half, do you?

I feel for you, Bob. Love sucks.

I think I know what you’re going through – it sounds like my life before we got married.

]]> By: bob http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376730 bob Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:46:59 +0000 http://friendlyatheist.com/2009/10/16/ask-richard-being-frank-and-honest-with-my-girlfriend-about-my-atheism/#comment-376730 Dammit pinkydead (I hate it when people are reasonable). I actually did go to church, for the entire second year of our relationship, just so I could be with her. The entire next year, I did not go at all, and she did not take one single Sunday off to spend it with me. I have not been back since. I guess I just wish I didn't love her. Would make this a lot easier. Dammit pinkydead (I hate it when people are reasonable).

I actually did go to church, for the entire second year of our relationship, just so I could be with her. The entire next year, I did not go at all, and she did not take one single Sunday off to spend it with me. I have not been back since.

I guess I just wish I didn’t love her. Would make this a lot easier.

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