In the time since I wrote the letter, I have made one small change that has surprisingly helped- I changed my Facebook profile info from “Atheist” to “Atheist- and I’m not converting, so don’t ask”. My whole biological family is on Facebook, and we post to each other daily, so I know they saw it. Haven’t gotten an offensive card like that since, but the test will be xmas. If I don’t get one then, I will assume someone got the message.

I agree with Richards advice, with the exception of accepting the gifts/cards without comment indefinitely. Atheism is a big enough part of my life and identity that I could not let the efforts to convert me stand. The gifts I could tolerate, but the note in the card pushed me over the edge.

Lastly, I agree that she probably blames herself, and guilt and such is likely part of the equation. Now I can see how any rejection, no matter how mild or unintended, can be hurtful for me (her too, I’m sure). The thought that she might see me as “lost,less than whole, etc” is a personal affront. (She has NEVER said these things, but I think that was the message.)

PS- I LOVE the idea of sending the bible, plus comments. Its too harsh for right now, but maybe in a few years. That is more my style

It took me a long time to figure out what to say to my family. Religion really does color their every activity. There’s only so much you can say about sports and the weather. I don’t watch movies or tv, they don’t read books that I read. Pets and gardening kept it going for a while.

But back in the beginning of my non-Christianity, I had what were quite difficult conversations with my mom. Especially since I wasn’t even sure what I believed but only what I did not. So I brought up fairly gentle criticisms of her particular faith. This was at same time as me moving out of their house, and so we had to redefine our relationship anyway, which generally takes work.

If I were the writer, I would not let the new relationship take the path that has begun. If you don’t nip it in the bud, then it will probably get worse. Preachy types take no response to be encouragement, in my experience.

I’d stay away from the comments suggesting that you use this as an opportunity to critique her gifts or her faith. I’d think your real goal is to explore what relationship you might build, and I don’t imagine your critiques would make her feel any better than her gifts are making you feel. You can have a debate with any bum on the street.

If at some point someone initiates a discussion about your conversion, I’d keep the same goal in mind. Just explain your starting principles, like your need for scientific skepticism, the utility of doubt, or the amount of thought you’ve put into your worldview. Keep it very general. Don’t become drawn into the potentially injurious side issue of critiquing her beliefs, or at least not at these early stages in your relationship. She probably feels the need for acceptance as much as you.

Of course Richard mentioned the main thing: showing her that you’re happy and satisfied with where you are.

It’s a book I purchased and read while still nominally Christian. It’s written from the xian perspective, and although it’s quite muddy that way, the psychological advice given is sound. Your mother, quite simply, needs to learn to understand where she ends and you begin — and that your choices aren’t hers to make. Or, as someone else said, treat her like an adult, and address her gently, but directly.

Actually, I kind of like the mild irony of using an xian book to gently let your bio mom know to butt out of your atheism…

Best wishes to you.

I think that the biological mother is owed the respect of being treated as an adult. As such just accepting the (unwanted) gifts as if they were ghastly sweaters with a forced smile is not, I think, the best way to go. I think a very gentle indication that you’d rather get other things from her would be best. You don’t have to let on that the evangelizing (and that’s what she’s doing) upsets you, but you can say something like “I REALLY appreciate you caring enough about me to want to share these things with me, but I’m not religious and really happy that way. I love (insert favorite book genre/food/etc. here), so those sorts of things would be better”. She’ll still take it as a rebuke, but hopefully a very gentle one.

Her religion is a large part of her life. My guess is that your atheism is a much smaller part of yours.

I wouldn’t be so sure. Oh of course “Stephanie” probably doesn’t spend her time contemplating how god doesn’t exist. Stephanie does self-identify as an atheist, has a circle of atheist friends, describes herself as “outspoken” and reads a blog dedicated to all things atheist. Me thinks she’s probably not indifferent on the subject of religion. It’s fine that she wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her birth mother, but I think that since there relationship is inevitably going to be an adult one, it should be based on mutual respect, and that includes respecting each others religious boundaries.

Share your successes in that way with her. Let her feel proud and happy for you. Leave the theism and the atheism out of it entirely; it isn’t that relevant in this relationship, because there’s so much more to you than that.

Excellent, excellent advice.

Remember also that there’s so much more to your mother than her religion. I’ve read The Shack. I am familiar with the grace concept behind it, which is what I have been taught for the last three years in a wonderful fellowship to which I belong (although that may change if anyone from there should see what I’m about to say).

If I may give you a perspective from that mindset… no matter how loving or accepting a religious person is, if that person believes their religion to be the one and only truth, they cannot let go of the hope of their loved ones seeing the same truth. And yes, the judgment continues, but the judgment is not toward the person or their lifestyle but toward the absence of that belief. If one is convinced they have the absolute truth, of course it would be impossible to fully embrace anyone of a different mindset, regardless of the facade of acceptance and respect. (I think it also works the other way around, from what I’ve seen from a few atheists.)

It is a huge road block and one that I have recently struggled with. Religion is a prison no matter how nicely it is packaged, and there is always a “but” when questions are posed.

I hope you can understand that your mother has no choice as long as she is in that belief system. The only other choice is to abandon the belief, but that has to be up to her to decide on her own, which she very likely never will.

As much as you are offended by her perspective, perhaps you can think of it as a disability that prohibits her from seeing you clearly. It sounds to me like she loves you very much nevertheless, and I can’t see how challenging it would be beneficial to your relationship. She’s loving you the best way she knows how.

I think sending her books as gifts to share your open-mindedness is an excellent idea. It doesn’t have to be specifically about atheism, although I think she would actually enjoy Hemant’s book, I Sold My Soul on eBay, for starters. Or you can ask Richard to compile all of the Ask Richard posts and bind them into a book as an example of the human side of atheism.

I’m happy to hear that your reunion with your birth mom is overall a positive one. Having been reunited with my birth parents a few years back, I know what it is like.

My experience has been an extremely positive one. I’m fortunate, also, that religious beliefs do not come into it anywhere. I’m generally a quiet person, and I keep my atheism mainly to myself. I’m a non-confrontational person, so I don’t usually allow the topic to come up. However, both my birth parents aren’t religious, though on my birth mom’s side there is a bit of woo (one of her sisters practices things like Reiki, acupressure, etc). Since all these relationships are quite new, I just respect that these are things they do, and don’t try to come off as a know-it-all (as can sometimes happen).

I’m in complete agreement with others here that your birth mom is trying to show love, and share a very important aspect of her life with you. In that regard, it’s very important to be respectful – while trying to point out that such respect should be reciprocated. I know how difficult this can be because my wife’s family is extremely fundamentalist.

I disagree, however, with those who say you should just quietly accept the gifts without comment. This is an important opportunity for dialog, and as long as you remain respectful, your relationship will hopefully become stronger. The situation, however, isn’t exactly equal. Your birth mom could well think that she is trying to save your soul – and some believe that is more important than any kind of respect.

You are also right that the quid-pro-quo idea of giving atheist books in response to the Christian gifts is a bad idea. I get the idea that this would come off as confrontational, and would just foster negativity and hard feelings.

Becoming reunited with your birth parents is a very unique experience. There isn’t anything I can think of that comes even remotely close. But as with any new relationships, building them takes time. Strong relationships are built on love and respect. And the best way to get those is to give them.

Also, it’s important to take things by small steps. Emotions can become very overwhelming, and it’s not always easy to find out where it’s all coming from. (I cried for hours after receiving my birth mom’s letter, and I still don’t know exactly why).

My best advice is to stay strong, be the person you are, and demonstrate how positive that is. My hope would be that over time she will value the relationship with you more than the proselytizing.

Rather than sending humanist or atheist literature…

Send a Bible with some of it’s greatest Old Testiment hits marked/flagged and a note saying “hoping you reconsider the blood thirsty, genocidal misogynist you worship”