Former Catholics, New Baptists

Since everyone is leaving the Catholic Church, Pastor Deacon Fred is happy to report that attendance at Landover Baptist Church is rising dramatically:

According to Ticketmaster™, Landover Baptist church services in all four sanctuaries are completely booked through 2017 (even some Platinum Level Tithers are reportedly scalping their tickets for $3,000 a pop!) and there are plans to build a new worship center in Freehold, Iowa to accommodate the enormous number of new members coming in from the S.S. Titanic of all faiths, the Roman Catholic Church.

In fact, to help people get used to being a Baptist, LBC has put together a handy little chart. Here’s just a sample:

You can see the full chart here.

See? Now you all know better.

  • John

    Yep, while the Jews were all speaking Hebrew and Aramaic, the Greeks were speaking, well, Greek, and the Romans Latin, they all agreed to write the Bible down in English. That’s pretty much how I thought it went down. God, I’m smart.

  • Noble Caboose

    Oh, ok. I was going to flip out before I bothered to Google the LBC.
    I feel a bit silly now. Poe’s Law FTW!

  • inmyhead9

    Wow, someone trade marked Godly Christians? That is a horrible chart. Funny, but not funny ha ha. Funny, wow you are idiots.

  • peter

    Wow! That website is hilarious. It could not be more obvious unless of course it was April 1st. Loved the Store…especially The “What would Jesus Do” Thong.

  • gski

    Good April fools.

  • http://www.secularplanet.org Secular Planet

    Was this written 50 years ago? Mass hasn’t been regularly been said in Latin since the 1960s.

  • JSR

    Landover Baptist is a genius piece of work, always fun to revisit. Now they have Custom Designed Menstrual Shacks for sale!

  • cathy

    I guess we know that they hate crossdressers, not a big surprise though.

  • Angie

    “Preachers wear a suit and tie and speak with a Godly southern accent, just like God.”

    Ah, so that’s why Yahweh wanted Adam and Eve to tend the Garden of Eden. He couldn’t do it himself because he’d get his nice suit dirty.

    Bible stories would be a lot funnier if Yahweh spoke with a southern accent: “Now y’all kin eat offa’ any tree in this here garden, but t’aint supposta’ eat frum the Treeya Knowledge a’ Good n’Evil. I’ll give y’all a right whuppin if ya do that!”

  • inmyhead9

    Darn that april fool’s got me a again.

  • Frank Moorman

    Fascinating that my employer’s web blocker has blocked my link to the full report as “Tasteless.”

    Fascinating, captain.

  • nazani

    the Baptist church is keeping pace with the Catholic church in many ways:
    stopbaptistpredators.org

  • muggle

    Secular Planet, you just made me feel quite old.

    I read your comment and thought bullshit… I remember my father dragging us to mass behind our mother’s back when I was about seven or so and it was in Latin… Oh, uh oh. Never mind.

    (I was born in 1958.) So, no, I guess I can’t argue with that. Only time I’ve been to mass. And I’ll never know if we would have been just as bored, restless and disruptive if we had understood the language.


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