Jesus Jelly Beans

Reader Brandon tells me there are Scripture-based Jelly Beans for sale at his local Drug Warehouse store. They come in the usual colors but each color represents something Jesus-y.

Thank you, Lord, for these jelly beans that remind me of your love.
Black represents my sinful heart, keeping from you above.
Red represents the blood you shed to provide salvation free.
White shows the cleansing of my sin as I put my faith in Thee.
Yellow is for heaven above, my new home I’ll have someday.

Green is for the growth I will see as I read your Word and pray.
Purple shows you are King of all, the one I choose to obey.
Thank you, Lord, for these jelly beans.
They mean more than words can say.

Remember: When you eat a Jelly Bean, you’re eating the squishy part of Jesus.

At least the words on the bag are entertaining. I award 10 Internets to the person who can make the most amusing sentence using as many of those words as possible…

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • fett101

    Cross these with Bertie Bot’s Every Flavor Beans and then you’ve got something!

  • Jesus Jelly Beans make transubstantiation fun again!

  • Angel

    I don’t think it is possible to make a more amusing sentence than the poem they have printed on the bag…

  • Adam

    When I sin, my royalty growth gives me Jesus’ blood so I can send the ladies to heaven with them screaming, “Thank you, Lord!”

  • It’s similar to the notion of the candy hearts with scripture on them instead of love notes. Candy can’t be enjoyed unless they can infuse it with Jesus-love first? Secular candy is the first step on the long (and very sweet) road to hell…

  • Andrew Morgan

    But black is the best color!

  • The black ones are my favorites…IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

  • Black is sin. Surprise.
    /mumbles something about racism

  • A Haiku:

    Jesus’ blood. Wow.
    Sin is heaven, thank you lord!
    Clean growth? Royalty!

  • Daniel

    Thank you, but as he’s royalty, it’s a sin to clean Lord Jesus’ blood from the gates of Heaven; I don’t care what kind of fungal growth it’s causing.

    Hmm…

    Couldn’t shoehorn that last one in without a semi-colon.

  • MathMike

    When ROYALTY is on the way, and you have SIN GROWTH on your counters, use JESUS’ BLOOD to get your home as clean as HEAVEN! Your home will be so clean you’ll say, “THANK YOU, LORD”!

  • Poyndexter

    Senor(Lord) Hesus clean up blood sin(without) a thank you from royalty(Latin Kings). Marijuana revenue increases when competitors go to heaven.

  • JJR

    Gives a whole new twist to the expression “Sweet Jesus!”, now, doesn’t it?

  • eyesWIDEopen

    Annoying Christian Co-worker: There is no GROWTH or HEAVEN unless you are ROYALTY who drinks LORD JESUS’ BLOOD to CLEAN your SIN. Me: No THANK YOU.
    Technically 2 poorly constructed sentences, but sums up the conversation I had yesterday when I told this guy why I wasn’t going to church for Easter.

  • I find the sales circulars from “the USA Drug family of drug stores” (which includes Drug Warehouse, May’s, and Med-X drug stores) really annoying at Easter and Christmas. The circular from last week (which was still in my recycling bag) includes a quarter-page blurb about “The Resurrection of Jesus Christ” and an Easter greeting “for Christians throughout the world.”

    I don’t bother shopping at May’s, Med-X, or Drug Warehouse.

  • Richard P.

    Just what we need Guilt-in-a-bean.
    In case you don’t have enough already.

  • 14 And Atheist

    Hah! I’d be willing to wager these cost more than normal jellybeans as well. Can’t beat Jelly Bellies!

  • not today

    Sometimes sin tastes like licorice…

  • Black represents my sinful heart

    Yikes. Better not enjoy those black jelly beans. It’s amazing that I can still be shocked at Christianity even after all these years. What a horrible and depressing statement. The appeal of this religion is beyond me.

  • Ben

    In spite of the fact that this is clearly the work of mentally deficient vegetables, I’m actually quite impressed by their surprisingly capable use of an apostrophe in the phase “Jesus’ blood”. I wouldn’t have thought them capable of such grammatical accuracy…

  • cbc

    I learned those colors and their symbolism as a child in Vacation Bible Camp. Never seen them on jelly beans, but we would make bracelets and other little crap with those colors for their meaning.

  • keystothekid

    Thank you lord, for I don’t know about Jesus’ Blood, but when I dream of heaven it royally makes mine flow, my sin grow.

  • Annie

    WWJE? Which Would Jesus Eat?

    I’m disappointed there are no wine flavored ones… maybe a bean that starts out tasting like water, but then turns into a wine-flavored bean as you chew?

  • Reverend

    These little bastards keep falling through my stigmata holes!

  • Matt H

    Black is my favorite color. I guess that figures since I’m an evil atheist. >_>

  • Robert B

    Man, I love licorice jelly beans. I’m gonna see if we have any sin left over.

  • Paul

    Oh, THANK YOU, just keep doing that right there, oh, LORD, I’m in HEAVEN, CLEAN me up, Oh yeah, JESUS’ BLOOD, Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus, SIN me right there, oh yeah, you are my Queen, you are my ROYALTY, Oh yeah.

    . . . .

    See you in Hell,

    Paul

  • David

    The colors are very old, from the Wordless book. What we used to tell kids in VBS was just about as cheezy as the verse on the bag.

  • ludovico

    Ha! Silly Catholics! Eating those wafers for all those years, when everyone knows that Jesus was really and truly transubstantiated into tasty morsels of colored sugar! Mmmm, Jeez-licious!

  • Dark Jaguar

    So let me get this straight. Some Christians (or shrewed business folks manipulating Christian sentiment) are saying the black ones symbolize sin, and then asking you to, EAT the sin? Is that healthy? Granted I don’t like the black ones myself, but that’s a bit much.

    Let’s put this in some perspective though. I think even most christians find these things laughable, and probably offensive. I know I would have had I seen a bag of these back when I was one.

  • Rob

    This just in… Charlie Sheen has received a transfusion of Jesus’ Blood and is now #ROYALTY.

  • Kate

    Haha, I remember being given something exactly like this in Sunday school when I was 6 or so. What’s worse is that the Sunday school teachers didn’t buy them, but compiled the groups of jelly beans themselves and printed the prayer off the internet (why do I even remember this!?). You know. Because lying to us about dinosaurs wasn’t enough. *shakes head*

    So to answer Dark Jaguar, “offensive” material isn’t what you would expect when you’re a Sunday school teacher in the Bible Belt.

  • ChrisP

    Heavens, I’ll thank you to know it is a sin to clean the lord jesus’s heavenly blood before it can lead to the growth of any royally painful rumors.

  • Chade

    First thing I noticed was the blatant rip off of Jelly Belly brand colours. Can’t they ever just for once create something on their own?

  • Plus, they’re infringing the Jelly Belly trademark. Not even original in their product design. Lame.

  • Carlie

    No one’s mentioned the real sin of that packaging using Comic Sans on the jelly beans.

  • Jeff

    Thank you, Lord, for having my parents fill me up with sugar, addling my brain and setting me up for obesity and early-onset diabetes.

  • Alex

    A few years ago at work a co-worker brought these in, I didn’t see the package but I asked for a black one because I’m one of those weirdos that loves the hell out of them…anyway then she says “big surprise, the atheist likes the sin jelly beans”

    I was so thoroughly pissed for the rest of the day.

  • Steve

    You should have told her that since Jesus (allegedly) did for our sins, you don’t want his death to have been in vain.

  • DocShinobi

    Well now we know bullshit comes in many different colors.

    Also, this marketing to kids bullshit is the same tactic the tobacco industry uses.
    That’s Bush League, Jesus and you know it!