Handling Someone’s Death with Dignity

A few days ago I became so SICK of the term “passed away” that I told myself, “I’m going to unsubscribe from any blog that uses that term.”  Since then you’ve used it twice, darn it all, so I had to back away from my pledge.  What is wrong with the word “died”?  Not all euphemisms offend me.  When I die you can say she “kicked the bucket” if you can’t stand to use the term “died.”  But I refuse to pass away or pass on to another fictional world. 

I usually say “I am sorry for your loss and happy for your memories”.

My husband feels the same way about “lost”, as in “She lost her sister/mother/husband.”

He always asks if they looked under the bed.

I say that I am sorry for their loss and may their cherished memories be a comfort now and always.   

Agree. Also in response to “I hope I’ll never have to use it” are you hoping to die before anyone else does?

“Passed away”  implies there is somewhere “away” to pass to.  So probably this is an inappropriate phrase to express what an atheist believes happened to the deceased.

Reminds me of one exchange in Oscar Wilde’s “The Importance of Being Earnest”:

Lady Bracknell.  Are your parents
living?

Jack.  I have lost both my parents.

Lady Bracknell.  To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing,
may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like
carelessness.

As someone who’s been through this drill several times over the past few y

I second this; I offer similar advice myself. I remember when my grandfather was gone, my parents needed all the help they could get just for everyday things like cooking or cleaning… the best thing you can do for a friend is to be there, and help take care of the little necessities, so that your friend will have the time they need.

I used to feel the same way. Then my mother died; my brother rang me at two in the morning to tell me and used the phrase ‘mum has passed on’.

In that moment, I was glad not to hear the word died. It was too final, too raw and too soon.

Sometimes, a softer way to convey a harsh truth is very appropriate.

Personally I am disgusted by offers of prayers.  They are vacuous statements that offer no comfort whatsoever and they impose their deity into your grief.  I’d much rather than a “thinking of you” or “I’m sorry for your loss”.  Better yet an “is there anything I can do?” is actually helpful even if there isn’t anything that they can do beyond putting the kettle on or sparing five minutes for a chat.

I hate euphemisms for death. It smacks of a bizarre superstition that saying “to die” or its conjugations etc somehow brings on death.

Actually, asking if there is anything you can do for them or saying “if you need anything, call me”  is almost as useless as offering to pray – most everyone will say no, that’s ok, we’re doing fine. No one wants to actually ask someone to do something for them. Better to offer a specific thing. For example, “I’m going to drop off some dinners you can freeze later this week if that’s ok”, or “I’d like to take the kids over to my house for the afternoon” etc. Everyone has the same basic needs, so it shouldn’t take too much thought to come up with something that is normal everyday activity that becomes taxing when under grief.  

where they are coming from might be well intentioned, but it might also be a “ah ha, you’ll turn to god now” – especially if the person knows you are an atheist.

This exactly, and like I have said before, it is important to continue to do these things and be supportive even after the funeral. Every holiday and important event without that person can be a new source of grief, and a real friend remembers that and is there with a phone call, cards, an open ear and helpful deeds.

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m an Atheist. Saying they’ll remember me in their prayers would feel like a slap in the face and I would tell as much.

I appreciate the sentiment here, but I feel like it may be too soon to be leaving a “look on the bright side” condolence response, as true a thought as it is.  I definitely would have stopped after the first two sentences.  Not comfortable at all with the third.

Liked this post – I usually have a harder time finding something to say when someone is suffering in some way like an illness or hardship.  Sometimes friends even ask others to pray for them, and I say that my thoughts are with them, but I haven’t come up with a great line that doesn’t seem trite.  I hope they come through this time of difficulty a stronger person than before?  I do love the Native American Proverb that says,”The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.”  Booker T Washington also said, “I have learned that
success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has
reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while
trying to succeed.”  But throwing out a quotation like that seems inappropriate.