Amusing Commentary on Christian Love

A decade ago, Doug Fields wrote a book for Christian couples called 365 Things Every Couple Should Know.

Seanbaby at Cracked has gone through the book and added all sorts of commentary:

Ugh. Is there maybe a grosser way you could have put that? Like “After 60, your lover’s eyes will hatch millipedes that crawl into your dick hole.” Or “The liftable folds of your lover hide surprises of soup and keepsakes.”

Like with a heartfelt shriek or a friendly vomit.

In that no one likes it? Or because one guy gets really noisy and everyone else takes the opportunity to go pee? Or is it because afterward it takes two guys 20 minutes to load your wife into a van? Doug, you can’t just drop an analogy grenade like that and run.

Plenty more where that came from right here :)

"Wrong! Did no one see her eat the taco?!? Lesbianism! Perversion! Ima go watch again."

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  • Jesse Jones

    Uhm, I enjoy drum solos. I’m not a drummer either.

  • Anonymous

    From the books’s description on Amazon: “Don’t yell at each other unless the house is on fire.”

    OK, so that’s setting a new standard.  Light the house on fire, then have your argument.

  • Jesse Jones

    Is it weird That my wife and I have never yelled at each other? We’ve been together for 7 years this October, we haven’t once argued.

  • Daniel Clements

    It took just over 10 years for my wife and I to (mildly) yell at each other, so give it time. 😉 

    (Never happens now, though.)

  • Jesse Jones

    Thanks, I’ll be looking forward to the day we get to yell at each other over something that actually matters. lol

  • Tom

    OK, I can see no yelling, but no arguments?  7 years with no arguments?  

    7 hours, sure, but that’s because everybody needs a good night’s sleep.

  • Danish Atheist

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and in that time I think we had 2 fights. 

    Guess we’re just more lovers than fighters 😉

  • Richard Wade

    My wife and I have been together for 40 years. If we don’t yell at each other every few days, I check her for a pulse, and she checks mine.

    We used to yell mostly about disagreements. Now it’s more about not being able to hear each other.
    “Can you hear me?”
    “What? I can’t hear you!”
    “I said can you hear me?!”
    “What? You know I can’t hear you when the water is running!”
    “Never mind, I guess you can’t hear me.”

    ad absurdium.

  • Adam Gill

    your marriage is a freakshow.

  • TerranRich

    My favorite is:

    35: Think of something God is teaching you through your husband’s leadership. When he’s not busy, go to him and tell him what you’re learning.

    What am I married to, a goddamn sheep dog?


  • Missteacher2u

    When he’s not busy!  Because HIS time is so much more important than yours, you vagina-having human. lol

  • George

    The only thing I can think of is that the drummer beats it by himself.  Which makes more sense once you read all of the tidbits about loving your homely wife.

  • Tom

    #361: Every couple should know… the beautiful butterfly was once a caterpillar.

    Cracked: I admire your optimism, buddy; you keep fucking that caterpillar.

  • mspeir

    I wish I’d never gone there.  That durn near killed me!

  • ACN

    Christian Book:

    Send one rose. The power of simplicity. (The note: This bud’s for you)


    This bud’s for you!? Did I meet my girlfriend by thawing a football
    fan frozen in the late 80s and then shaving it until it looked like a
    woman? This suggestion is so dated and non-romantic you might as well
    shout, “Where’s the beef?” and hit her with a dead bird.

  • lololol

    I would just like to take a moment and say I LOVE SEANBABY. The commentaries he does on self help books are amazing.

  • Dylan Caple

    I <3 Seanbaby's writing. I've been reading him since he had column in the back pages of Electronic Gaming Monthly (aka since before I stopped getting hardcopy magazines)!

  • Gemma Mason

    In fairness, “how to communicate feelings during sexual activity” really is important.  I don’t quite understand why you’d pick that one to mock.

  • Anonymous

    I was going to say the same thing. Communication is important, full stop!

  • Bob Becker

    This main post stumped me. I didn’t find the caption comments particularly funny, or insightful.   The posts from the book seem to be either self-mocking bromides [31], or common sense [186] or drivel parading as profundity [341] which needed no heavy-handed commentary to be risible. 

    Your judgment slipped on this one, H.

  • Mr Ed

    I’m still stuck on a man’s sex drive being like a drum solo.

    It takes both hands and at least one foot or it can be replaced by a small electronic tool that can be adjust to meet your needs.

    It goes faster and faster until it explodes in to a lump of green gue (Spinal Tap)

  • Clifton Kerr

    Is there a chapter on Christian Domestic Discipline?  AKA S&M for Christ’s sake or spank me Jesus?