You know those Saturday Night Live sketches in which Kristen Wiig plays a woman who has to one-up everybody she meets no matter how absurd it gets?
Well, here’s what the Fundamentalist Christian version of that character would look like:
You don’t believe in kissing before you’re married? Well I don’t believe that married people should be intimate on their wedding night either. That time should be spent in prayers for their marriage and asking to be blessed with children as quickly as possible.
You don’t shop at stores that sell alcohol? I don’t shop at stores where any of the employees even drink alcohol. And I know because I ask each of them personally.
…You only let your children court instead of date? Well I never let my son court a girl unless I’ve been taking her out myself for at least a year to make sure she’s a good and godly girl. And so far they’ve all been trollops.
You go to church three times a week? Sometimes I go to church during the middle of a week day, stick a mirror on the front pew and preach to myself for an hour. It’s always good stuff too…
What other examples can you think of?
(via Stuff Fundies Like)