There’s one place where it’s perfectly acceptable for atheists to follow God: On Twitter.
If you use the service at all, you may already be a fan of @almightygod. With nearly 25,000 followers, he may be the most popular deity out there, which, as we all know, makes everything he says totally true.
He was kind enough to answer some of my questions:
Do you exist?
I tweet, therefore I am. Besides, If I don’t exist, then who pops up the next tissue in the Kleenex box? Case closed!
Do you believe in yourself?
I don’t believe. I know.
All Christians claim to be “True Christians”… but they can’t all be right. So which sect has it correct?
I don’t want to spoil the exciting high-stakes guessing game I’ve set up, but I will say that it’s not a denomination that’s famous for raping children.
Who’s going to win the Republican primary?
Based on the crowds at the debates, the winning candidate will be someone who loves execution, hates gay troops, and thinks the uninsured should just die. But I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you, so keep tuning in to those debates. I’ll give you one hint: It will be a white man.
Why do you hate the gays so much?
It’s not so much that I hate them. They just gross me out… and they deserve to be executed and then roasted in hell for eternity. Other than that I’m fine with them, especially if they’re funny.
The platypus… Were you high when you created that one?
Yes, but that’s not why it turned out so strange. I had a box of spare parts left over after creating all the normal animals and I decided to superglue them all together and add some X-Men like electrolocation superpowers to the bill.
What’s your biggest mistake?
The flood. I shouldn’t have saved those 8 humans.
What’s your biggest secret?
I sometimes use my omniscience to watch people pee.
You must get a lot of action up in Heaven, no?
Well, ever since I kicked Asherah out and had her murdered along with her priests, goddesses just don’t want to come back to my place. I did put it in a human lady a few millennia back, but that turned out to be too much drama. So, I just do what any single dad would do. If I don’t answer your prayer, that’s probably what I’m up to.
You seem to pick on Third World countries a lot. What did they ever do to you?
People in Third World countries tend to die sooner than in rich countries. So, you might say that I love them more since I’m taking them to heaven sooner. And if they’ve never heard of Jesus before, they’ll go straight to heaven on a technicality. You’re welcome, Third World countries! See you soon!
Atheists say they just want some evidence that you exist. So why can’t you just give us some solid proof?
I could just offer some proof and take all the mystique out of it, but I’d rather hide myself from humans and then punish anyone who doesn’t believe the stories about me. I value blind faith and fawning more than informed camaraderie. If I offered a bit of proof, those inquisitive humans would just want more information and more intervention. It’s easier to just take a hands-off approach and then reward and punish people after they die. I’ve got to keep up my reputation for working in mysterious ways.
Will the atheists ever win and get everyone to stop believing in you?
No. And even if they did, humans will always be willing to believe in crazy things. I doubt that I need to provide examples.
Thanks to @almightygod for giving me His time… when he could probably have spent it saving lives or sending us the cure for cancer or something.