Some Great Responses for the Jehovah’s Witnesses At Your Door

I’ve known Dale McGowan for several years now — long before we began working on his vision for Foundation Beyond Belief. He’s always been the nicest guy in the room as well as the perfect atheist ambassador to religious groups. If you’ve ever been to one of his parenting workshops, you know all of this.

But I *love* the somewhat snarky way he dealt with two Jehovah’s Witnesses who recently showed up at his door. You can read the whole story here and here.

Like when Dale tells the JWs:

“If you had come to my house two weeks ago and handed me a letter that simply told me to kill my son, I would have been justified in calling the police. Of course you would never do that. But you essentially gave me that same letter with a lot of other pages around it, and told me it was the perfect word of God.”

They didn’t know how to respond to that one…

Or this one:

We talked for another ten minutes at least. She asked if I wasn’t astonished by the perfect fulfillment of Old Testament prophecy in the Gospels. I asked if she was astonished by the perfect fulfillment of predictions from the first Harry Potter book in the seventh Harry Potter book.

ZING! When that man gets on a roll…

Anyway, the kicker is his son’s comment at the end of the whole encounter :)

So what are your success stories when dealing with door-to-door proselytizers?

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Icaarus

    My personal favourites are still 

    Robin Williams:

    JW: Have You Found Jesus???
    Homeowner opens door naked: Not yet, come help me look for him!!!

    and Me (I was grumpy that day ’cause it was -40 outside and I was walking to the grocery when they stopped me) 

    JW: Have You found Jesus???
    Me: Yup, 2000 years ago my people killed him, Do you think we should have a re-enactment?

    • Valhar2000

      My favorite of that kind was:

      JW: Have you found  Jesus?
      Me: Oh, man! Did you loose him again?

      • Sammy

         Ones my brother did

        JWs; Have you found Jesus
        My Bro (calling into the house); JESUS IT’S FOR YOU!!

        JWs; Have you found Jesus
        My Bro; Na, he’s a fucking good hidder

      • Boom Roasted

        JW: Have you found Jesus?
        Me: Yeah, he’s that Mexican dude that mows my lawn

  • http://mamamara.wordpress.com/ Mara

    One time I explained very seriously to the bible thumpers that if they didn’t go away, they were going make my already-sick mother mad and then she might have a heart attack and would their god want that on their conscience? They hurried away, looking a bit confused. My mother thought it was hilarious.

    My favorite tactic is to quote to them from the Book of Avi. Which is to say, make up stuff that either counters what they’re saying or else is complete gibberish. “But you know, it says in the Book of Avi to ‘Walk not to the left and the ways of Taco Bob, but neither shalt thou walk to the right and the ways of Rabbi Larry.”

    On bad days, I tell them to get the hell off my property before I rip their guts out and use them for guitar strings.

  • Revyloution

    My wife cringes when they come a-knockin’.  I have pages printed up in my office listing all of the failed prophecies of Charles Russel Taze.  

  • Anonymous

    I told them that the bible was written by men.They told me those men were Gods secretaries.I told them they didn’t do a very good job.

  • Anonymous

    I told them that the bible was written by men.They told me those men were Gods secretaries.I told them they didn’t do a very good job.

  • Anonymous

    I told them that the bible was written by men.They told me those men were Gods secretaries.I told them they didn’t do a very good job.

  • Anonymous

    I told them that the bible was written by men.They told me those men were Gods secretaries.I told them they didn’t do a very good job.

  • Anonymous

    I told them that the bible was written by men.They told me those men were Gods secretaries.I told them they didn’t do a very good job.

  • Filippo Salustri

    I just say, in my best death metal voice, “I worship Satan!” and close the door.

  • Filippo Salustri

    I just say, in my best death metal voice, “I worship Satan!” and close the door.

    • http://twitter.com/enuma enuma

      When I was little, some JWs came to the door.  They’d brought along a little kid.  My dad answered, and engaged them in polite conversation, but made a point of staring at the kid while he did so.  Eventually the adults noticed his staring and asked him if anything was wrong.

      Dad:  Is he pure?
      JWs:  What do you mean?
      Dad:  Is he a virgin?  Satan prefers it when we give him virgins, but they’re so hard to find these days.  Can we have him?

      They literally ran from the house, and haven’t been back since.

  • Msredinnc

    Back in the 1960′s my father did a number on a group of JW’s. He used to love telling this story.  One Saturday morning they came to the door, and he listened to what they had to say. He asked some questions, and listened to their answers.  He acted very interested in the word they were spreading.  They asked him to buy a Watchtower, and he told them he had no change, but he knew EXACTLY who would love to hear their gospel.  He directed them down the street to a little brick ranch-style home.  They thanked him profusely and told him many “God Blesses” as they manuvered down the driveway and on down the street.
    Little did they know they were knocking on the door of the home in which the priest of the local Catholic Church lived!  He never saw the JW’s in the neighborhood again!

  • Msredinnc

    Back in the 1960′s my father did a number on a group of JW’s. He used to love telling this story.  One Saturday morning they came to the door, and he listened to what they had to say. He asked some questions, and listened to their answers.  He acted very interested in the word they were spreading.  They asked him to buy a Watchtower, and he told them he had no change, but he knew EXACTLY who would love to hear their gospel.  He directed them down the street to a little brick ranch-style home.  They thanked him profusely and told him many “God Blesses” as they manuvered down the driveway and on down the street.
    Little did they know they were knocking on the door of the home in which the priest of the local Catholic Church lived!  He never saw the JW’s in the neighborhood again!

  • Msredinnc

    Back in the 1960′s my father did a number on a group of JW’s. He used to love telling this story.  One Saturday morning they came to the door, and he listened to what they had to say. He asked some questions, and listened to their answers.  He acted very interested in the word they were spreading.  They asked him to buy a Watchtower, and he told them he had no change, but he knew EXACTLY who would love to hear their gospel.  He directed them down the street to a little brick ranch-style home.  They thanked him profusely and told him many “God Blesses” as they manuvered down the driveway and on down the street.
    Little did they know they were knocking on the door of the home in which the priest of the local Catholic Church lived!  He never saw the JW’s in the neighborhood again!

  • chaimsmom

    I quote Luke 6:30 “Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back” and then I ask them for their wallet.

  • chaimsmom

    I quote Luke 6:30 “Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back” and then I ask them for their wallet.

  • chaimsmom

    I quote Luke 6:30 “Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back” and then I ask them for their wallet.

  • chaimsmom

    I quote Luke 6:30 “Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back” and then I ask them for their wallet.

  • chaimsmom

    I quote Luke 6:30 “Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back” and then I ask them for their wallet.

    • Anonymous

      Jehovah’s Witnesses pedophiles. 
      Many court documents and news events prove that Jehovah’s Witnesses require two witnesses when a child comes forward with allegations of molestation within the congregation.
      Such allegations have customarily been treated as sins instead of crimes and are only reported to authorities when it is required to do so by law, (which varies by state).
        It has also been shown that child molesters within the organization usually have not been identified to the congregation members or the public at large.
      These people engage in a door to door ministry, possibly exposing children to pedophiles.
       The Watchtower corporation has paid out millions in settlement money already.
      – Danny Haszard abuse victim
       FMI www.dannyhaszard.com

      • NS

        .

        Sorry to dispute your claim that child molesters are not identified. As an attorney who hashandled some of these cases, these molesters were identified to the Congregation to protect the other children. I am not a Witness, and it fascinates me to see how people are quick to distort the facts.

  • Kaoru Negisa

    This reminds me of three incidents.

    The first, my friend is a theist, specifically a pagan. Not only did she have to explain to the JWs at her door that she was not an atheist and was, in fact, less an atheist then them as she actually believed in a whole pantheon of gods whereas they only believed in one (they fortunately understood the humor in this), she then took them inside as they had no idea what a pagan *was*. An hour later they walked away pleased to have learned about another religion and haven’t bugged her since.

    The second incident was done by my uncle. When a pair of people came to his door and asked if they could pray with him, he said absolutely, but first they had to recite the Pledge of Allegiance with him. The prohibition against taking oaths made this impossible and they stopped coming to his door.

    The other incident took place when I was living with three room mates. One of them ran a weekly Shadowrun game every Sunday. One particular Sunday, a pair of evangelists came to the door. They asked very politely if they could come in and talk about Jesus. He looked behind him, did some math, then turned back and said, “No, I have two Jews and a Taoist already. Thank you.” and, equally politely, shut the door while they attempted to puzzle it out.

  • Elaine Gilman

    I was raised a JW. I could play with them or I could simply tell them the truth, that I’m an apostate  and they would never come to my door again. Instead, I just say no thank you and shut the door. No need to engage. You won’t change anybody’s mind. They’re trained to keep the control of the convo.

    • Martin

      I humbly disagree. I was also raised a Witness, and if not for someone challenging me at the door, well… I probably still would have found my way out eventually, but it would have taken a lot longer. You never know what point you might make that will stick with them, blossoming into uncertainty and skepticism.

      • cbc

        Thank you for sharing this counter to the defeatism so frequently seen. Often, the ONLY way to change minds is to present the rational alternative. I, myself, turned away from Christianity due in part to consistent counterarguments. 

  • Topher Kersting

    Many years ago I had a job where I often worked late Friday and Saturday nights, usually getting home around 4 a.m.  About once a month, JWs would knock on my door about 9 a.m. Saturday mornings.  As I also ran a small internet business where I received important deliveries in the morning, I couldn’t simply ignore door knocking that early.  Now, I enjoy messing with JWs and Mormons, but not before my morning coffee, so I normally took their brochures and sent them on their way.  Early November, I had an epiphany…

    Leftover fake blood from Halloween.
    Chalk.
    Empty shotgun shells (abandoned by a previous owner of my house).
    My collection of JW brochures.

    Blood splatter + chalk outline of a body + empty shells at my doorstep + brochures scattered wildly = no more JWs waking me.

  • Naked Ape

    I put one of the ‘I’m a Blood Donor’ window decals up on the window on the front door. It is the best JW repellant you could hope for.

  • Anonymous

    I read a story about an atheist who engaged the JW in a long conversation and agreed to swap their magazines for a copy of the God Delusion.  Both would agree to read the literature and then discuss it the following week.  Unfortunately I’m not so patient and JWs simply aren’t welcome in my house.  They are dangerous cultists who would rather allow someone to die than bend the invented rules of their religion.  I don’t have the time or inclination to humour this kind of delusional nonsense.

  • Annie

    Usually I just don’t answer the door, but a few years ago they came along while my daughter and I were decorating the house for Halloween.  After a while, they asked if they could pray with me.  I ran to my daughter, covered her ears with my hands and yelled, “Not in front of the child!!” and then proceeded to stare at them as if I thought they were completely perverted for even suggesting such a thing.  They slowly backed away and left.

    • dauntless

      I hope that didn’t scar your daughter. My mother reacting quickly and frantically like that when I was a kid would have scared the crap out of me, even if it was in jest.

      • Annie

        Oh no.  She was old enough to think it hilarious and still laughs about it today.  And even if it was, I don’t think anything can trump the trauma caused to her when she was 6 and a pack of Christians, upon learning she didn’t believe, pushed her to the ground and started shouting in her face, “Then who made the trees??”  “Who made the Earth??”  “God!!”  “God!!”  “God!!!”  That one she shared with her therapist.

        • Mykittyalice

          Just for the record, those don’t sound like Christians at all. I am so sorry about your daughter. Is she ok?

          • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

            They sound like a mob of children who have been indoctrinated with the tenets of an artificial tribalism.  What religion gives you is another way to separate “Us” from “Not Us”.

  • Anonymous

    When I was in college I think my place was on a JW training route.  We, 3 college guys, got hit every weekend at un-jebus-like hours, especially for college guys.  So we started a competition to see who had the best way to deal with them and we took turns.  My roommate Gary won:

    They came to the door “Can we come in and talk about Jesus?”

    Gary: “Sure.” he led them into our other roommate’s room who was out of town, and sat them down on the sofa.  Then he moved to the door and as he was closing it said “let me know when your done, but you can let yourselves out as I have to get back to bed because I have another double shift at the blood bank in 2 hours.”

    They left without another word.

  • Anonymous
    • Annie

      I want to print this out… and laminate it! 

      • JustSayin’

        Won’t do any good. We have one of these: http://www.evolvefish.com/fish/product732.html

        In addition, we have a decal that reads “NO SOLICITING–THIS MEANS YOU” in what has to be 200-point type.

        They just overlook it. Door-to-door salespersons, too.

        • Anonymous

          If someone has been asked to leave your property or not to enter your property and then proceeds to do so then they are trespassing.  You are more than justified in pointing this out in the strongest terms.  If they insist on ignoring the sign and the advice then get their names and report them to the police.

          • JustSayin’

            Oh, they all leave as soon as I point out the sign(s) or explain what “solication” is (for the less-intelligent ones). However, it’s just the audacity that the show in approaching our house at all that angers me. I have no idea why ANYONE would say to him- or herself, “Well, surely that doesn’t apply to ME…”

            • Chakolate

              If you call them out by name they will (usually) respect that.  I had a sign that said, “Jehovah’s Witnesses and salesmen are not welcome here” and it stopped them. 

        • Anonymous

          Maybe since the JWs don’t use the cross as a symbol, they suppose the sign doesn’t apply to them.

    • Alchemist

      We seriously considered have a sign on the front porch that said “Religious solicitors will be invited to dinner” right beside a cauldron full on han looking bones.
      Instead we let the kids answer the door with the comment “we don’t need your crazy, we’re all full up!”
      Works like a charm.
      I once got the request to come in a learn about my heavenly father. I replied “yes you may, but please honor our household gods”. I have never seen JVs back up so fast!

  • Rich Wilson

    Some LDS came to my door a few months back.  I opened the door, and pointed to my prominent “No Solicitation” sign, and closed the door.

    They.
    Knocked.
    Again.

    And said the sign didn’t apply to them.

    • Rich Wilson

      Oh, another one… My wife is Russian, so she simply told them she doesn’t speak English.  Scratch that one.  Next week they were back with a Russian.

    • Bill

      I had the exact same experience a few years ago.  “We’re not solicitors.”  I put up a “NO JEHOVAHS” sign, and haven’t been disturbed since.   By the way, I’m also on their regular route, as their temple is about a mile or so away.

    • Chakolate

      Back in my old neighborhood where we got JWs all the time, I had a sign on the door that said, “Jehovah’s Witnesses and salesmen are not welcome here.  Not upstairs, not downstairs.”  It worked. 

      But one day I was coming home from work and I could see a trio of them up on the porch, and I could hear them saying nasty things about the people who would put up such a sign.  (Such language!) Then when they saw me turn off the sidewalk and come up the steps, they were all sweetness and smiles and good mornings.  I just went past them and shut the door firmly behind me. 

    • Chakolate

      Back in my old neighborhood where we got JWs all the time, I had a sign on the door that said, “Jehovah’s Witnesses and salesmen are not welcome here.  Not upstairs, not downstairs.”  It worked. 

      But one day I was coming home from work and I could see a trio of them up on the porch, and I could hear them saying nasty things about the people who would put up such a sign.  (Such language!) Then when they saw me turn off the sidewalk and come up the steps, they were all sweetness and smiles and good mornings.  I just went past them and shut the door firmly behind me. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/jadelackey Jade Lackey

    I used to just answer the door naked and tell them I was the other people till I got a wolf  hybrid. He was a sweet do mixed with spitz and his favorite thing was to stare out the window beside the door. One day he set in to a deep low growl, I peeked outside side to find a scattered pile of pamphlets and two men in suits running. Never seen them again. :) Love my Keiba!

    • Icaarus

      He, you named a male half-wolf using a typically feminine name for sunrise? I like your choices in irony and pooches. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=643510358 Alicia Hansen

    Raised as a JW I simply answer the door and say “no thank you” and ask to be put on their “do not call” list. No need to get into the fact that I’m an apostate in their eyes or argue with them. I prefer to not waste my time my childhood was lost to the organization and by asking to be put on the list, they leave me alone.  We’ll see how it goes now that I’ve moved. I’ve seen them roaming the huge complex for return visits and imagine they’ll knock eventually. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=593675787 Glenn Davey

    I absolutely love, LOVE that the Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting some attention, finally, in the skeptical community.

    They are responsible for a great many injustices and have slid under the radar for far too long.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1527623930 Melissa Williams

    My husband usually handles those types of visitors, but I can stuck with the door a few  days ago.  I said, “Sorry guys, I’m an atheist.” One of the gentlemen said, “Do you mind if I ask what makes you an atheist?” I replied, “I don’t believe in god.” They very politely left.  Easy peasy!

  • Oldf Fogey

    Some years back when I was moving out of a third floor flat (no lift), and just starting to carry the last boxes down to the car, a couple of JW turned up and asked if they could tell me about God.

    I said why not, but I was in a rush, so they would have to do it as I loaded the car.

    They started to follow me down and up the stairwell, so I suggested they could carry a box or two while they were doing it.
     
    I gave them the heaviest boxes (books mainly), so I got lots of stuff shifted, and they were far too out of breath to try and convert me!

    • Rich Wilson

      My mother used to hand them the kitty litter box.  Or find some other errand.  One group actually did stay the day to help paint the house.  (Not JWs)

    • Annie

      I’ve been enjoying  these responses… they are all hilarious, but this one was brilliant! 

  • Steve

    One of their churches-without-windows is 3 blocks up the street. I seem to be on their training pathway. Still, I answer the door and tell them my ancestors wrote the book they have reinterpreted. They always leave, but they are back in 2 – 3 weeks. It is almost worth a call to see if Orkin has a plan to control this type of pest.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Serge-Fjetland/100002295319241 Serge Fjetland

    my favorite discussion with a JW was when i was 17 years old, i asked what proof they could give me, knowing that i believe that the bible was a work of fiction. Their response was that if god is not real, how did Noah live to be 700 years old!

    Really well thought out argument

  • Rufus

    A friend of mine invited them in, made them extra-hot cups of tea and sat down to have a chat with them. He managed to work the fact that his husband was due back soon while the tea was still far too hot to drink.

    He could almost see them weighing up their options:
    a) Leave without drinking the tea – appearing rude
    b) Drink the scaldingly hot tea – very painful
    c) Wait for the tea to cool down, while trying not to contemplate whose house they were in.

    They never came back.

    • Ben

      So, which was it?

  • Anonymous

    They might secretly revel in some of the more steamier parts of the bible. Like: 
    Ezekiel 23:19-21 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. 
    OR
    Song of Solomon 2:3
    As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
    HOT STUFF!

  • http://withinthismind.com/ WithinThisMind

    I actually like our current neighborhood door to door JW guys.  I have a picture of Cthulhu on my door with a caption saying ‘proselytizers will be eaten last’.  The guys came to the door, noted the sign, and immediately turned around to leave.  The younger guy got about halfway down the sidewalk, stopped, and came back.  He knocked, and when I opened the door, he indicated the sign and said ‘why last?’.  So I introduced him to the Cthulhu mythos.  He thought it was hilarious, wished me a good day, and left without so much as offering my a copy of the Watchtower.  In fact the only reason I know they are JWs is a WT was sticking partway out of his briefcase.

    They’ve respected the no soliciting signs ever since, but will otherwise smile and nod politely when passing by.  Live and let live, exactly how I like my Christians.

  • Jackie

    I used to attend a really fun UU Church outside of Pittsburgh, PA–lots of atheists in the group.  One night, two older gentlemen from a local fundy church knocked on my door.  We chatted a bit and they admitted they had never heard of the Unitarian Universalist Church.  They left with some pamphlets from my UU church–without leaving any of their own.  I always kept UU literature on hand–just for the door-to-doors.

  • http://skepticalredneck.tumblr.com/ SkepticalRedneck

    I tell them I’m Catholic. It’s a lie, of course, but it works well here in the South. They go chalk-white and positively flee, never to return.

  • Anonymous

    One time a pair of LDS “elders” came to my door, ignoring my “solicitation is not permitted in this development” sign.  The first thing they asked me was “if you could have anything you want right now, what would it be?”.  I said “for you to go away”.  And they did!

  • Boz

    I like the Luke 6:30 trick!

  • Anonymous

    Awesome. I’m too impatient with proselytizers to do something like that, though.   I’ll stick with my usual, “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English.”

  • http://profiles.google.com/mattand08 Matt Andrews

    Melissa Williams beat me to the punch; I simply tell them we’re atheist. One group of middle-aged women got a concerned look on their faces. Other than that, no fuss and they’re gone in less than 30 seconds. 

    I might be inviting a Pharyngula-esqe beat down for saying this, but I don’t see the point in nor have the desire to f*ck with them. Nothing I say is going to change their minds (and vice-versa),  and I’ve got better things to do with my Saturday mornings.

    • Icaarus

      The point is most of the time they don’t go away so nicely. Ever heard of the “cat came back” Well in some towns that’s the JW motto

      • Anonymous

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bETCusT5kNM

        Seriously, you do have a point. From my own experience, they’re not a nuisance around here like they apparently for some others posting. We’ve been in this house for seven years and have had maybe two, three visits tops.

        Trust me, if they get aggressive, they’re getting an earful. If they’re polite, I point out they’re wasting their time here. Generally, I’m not going to shit all over someone if they’re being respectful to me, regardless of whatever wacky nonsense they subscribe to (assuming it’s not something vile like white supremacists or such).

        Hell, I was even nice to the Republican who came to my door two years ago. He was polite to me, even after I told him his party was rife with religious nutcases. He didn’t argue with me on that one.

    • Chakolate

      No beat down, but I totally understand wanting to f*ck with them.  When you’ve had religion shoved in your face your whole life, it feels good to do a little shoving back. 

      That said, I think discussion is always valuable.  The second Witness, the one who doesn’t say anything, is usually a newbie, someone who has been swept up in the community.  Having a little common sense returned to the nonsense can plant a seed.  You never know.

      • Anonymous

        No, I understand. I had the NRA call the house in ’08 warning me about Obama’s UN-inspired plan to ban all guns in the US. That lying jackass got everything he deserved before I hung up on him.

        From these posts, it’s pretty clear that I maybe the exception to the rule. The South Jersey/Philadelphia area doesn’t seem to be as choked with religion as compared to some parts of the country.

        I do what I can, but I don’t argue points well. If anything, I’ll just drive the believers further down the rabbit hole.

    • Chakolate

      No beat down, but I totally understand wanting to f*ck with them.  When you’ve had religion shoved in your face your whole life, it feels good to do a little shoving back. 

      That said, I think discussion is always valuable.  The second Witness, the one who doesn’t say anything, is usually a newbie, someone who has been swept up in the community.  Having a little common sense returned to the nonsense can plant a seed.  You never know.

  • Chakolate

    He’s so lucky – we get Jehovah’s Witnesses, but never ones that speak English.  After I hobble down from the 2nd floor, they smile a lot and say something that sounds like ‘pipple spik Englich?’

    I did have a lovely conversation with a couple of Mormons, though.  I asked them for a bible to mark up, and a book of mormon too, and they came back to bring them.  After what I’d heard about Mormon missions, I thought I’d better feed them, so we had a nice picnic on the porch. 

    The conversation was fairly general, I’d told them I was an atheist, and there were just a few back-and-forths, all very mild, and they took their leave. 

    The younger one tried very earnestly to tell me that if I could only hear for myself the Prophet speak, I’d believe.  I asked him what the Prophet could say that he couldn’t, and he talked about how powerful the Prophet was.  I asked him if personal charisma could make an idea any more sound, or should it be able to stand on its own.  Poor kid. 

    I think I’ve never read anything more opaque and boring than the Book of Mormon.  Just awful.  I think most Mormons must not get all the way through it, they just agree it must be true because it’s so dense. 

    • http://profiles.google.com/mattand08 Matt Andrews

      I get the same feeling about libertarians and Ayn Rand’s books.

      • Sulris Campbell

        haha ziiiiiiiing

  • JimG

    Three years ago I went to a Halloween midnight showing of “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” drank with friends at a bar afterward, and looked forward to sleeping in. At 8 a.m., though, two teenaged JWs hammered on my door. I eventually got there, and politely declined their tracts. Later I found one stuffed under my door anyway. They may have figured I was in dire need of it, because I didn’t realize until after they were gone that I was still in heavy lipstick and blue eyeshadow.

  • Sulris Campbell

    only once when i lived in the states was my door knocked on.  i had been taking a course about world religions and decided to see if i could conver her to buddhism.  i am not a buddhist but i wanted to see if she would be comfortable accepting the same type of thing she was doing to others.  to be fair she listened to me politely and we had a short discussion where i listened to her politely as well.  when it became obvious to one another that neither was going to be successful she left very friendly-like.  i love talking about religion and i dont feel put out when they come knock on my door.  she was kind of confused when i told her that i was not a buddhist but that i felt it would be perfect for her.

    i had a friend that was approached by some mormons and he pointed out all the probelms with the bible and the problem of evil, etc.  but it slowly broke down since he had never read the book of mormon.   so he asked them for a copy and told them to come back in two weeks.  then he sat them down and told them all the logical problems with the book of mormon.

    i have some people that come to me door now that i live in japan but i cant understnad what they’re saying so its no fun.

    they did find a pamphlet for me in english about how when moses was supposed to be walking around in the desert during the 40 years of no map thing… that he had acutally parted the sea walked over to japan and taught them the truth about christianity.  it was the greatest thing i had ever seen.  it also told me that thinking about commiting a sin was as bad as actually commiting the act of sinning, completely equal.  the whole thing was more rediculous than fsm and i loved it.

  • Agrajag

    I usually go for fun.

    “You’re a bit early for the orgy, but do come in and undress, the other gays will arrive shortly”

  • http://www.spellwight.com spellwight

    I blogged about this one when it happened:*twank twank twank*(That’s the sound of knocking on a metal security door)INNER DOOR OPENS“Yes?”“Ma’am, I’d like to talk to you about…”“Excuse me,” I interrupt because I see the pamphlet she’s about to shove at me. “Do you see this sign jammed in my door? Do you understand what it means?”“Um yeah, but I’d like to just share this…”“In a minute,” I interrupt again. “First let me share with you the joy of anal sex and how miraculous the climax can be. In fact if I close my eyes and pray I can almost cum just from the thought of shoving that pamphlet up your ass. Or… have a nice day somewhere else.”SLAM!Yeah, I aspire to be a Friendly Atheist, but when they enter MY bubble I tend to snap.

  • Kieran Mc Kevitt

    Well three short stories, oldest first. The JWs used to call around on a sunday nearly every month when I was around 5 (30 now), one of their elders? worked in the same place as my dad. Dad had a quiet word with him, the result JWs did not call to anyone on our road for the next 25 years.
    Next My brother had been entertaining a group of mormons for about 2 months taking their leaflets brining them in for tea and so on. They called to the house when he was out and his housemate just told them the truth, my brother had been using their conversations for entertainment in the pub and was slowly winding them up so he could deliver a punchline.

    They called during the week to me a few months ago. We started with their usual things on the bible and so on. However I suddenly realised that they were creationists, I never knew JWs were creationists. I was talking to them because i wanted a distraction from my thesis, I’m a botanist, so we got stuck in. I basically knocked every strawman they put up down until all they had left was if man came from apes why are there still apes. I felt proud that this was what they where left with. The older of the pair said I would argue anything and I said yes.

    In future I’m not wasting their time or mine, I’ll just say no thank you and let them on their way.

    • Rich Wilson

      I had a JW as a high school biology teacher in Canada in the mid 80s.  We completely skipped evolution.  However he was happy to talk to us about tornadoes randomly making 747s out of junkyard scraps and the feasibility of putting two of every kind of animal on a boat- but at least not in the classroom.

      He got away with it since at the time there was no province wide (B.C.) testing.  It was brought in the next year, and I’ve always wondered what he did after that.

      Having recently gone on an evolution reading binge, I’ve rekindled my anger at him for skipping a fundamental part of our education.

  • Lee Larson

    Anymore I have taken to offering door to door proselytizers the book “Genealogy of Morals” by Nietzche. I generally only have to get to the master and slave moralities before they start asking questions that start getting them offended and decide I am more read than they are.

    I live in Utah so we get mostly LDS missionaries and using there own logic I have proven that they do not believe in the natural world and here is the proof.

    All men and women are capable of becoming gods of their own planet in heaven

    Gods create/govern all things on their planet

    Artificial things are created by Man natural things do not require Man

    Nature is so beautiful it requires an “artist”

    The gods were once as we are now

    Man made nature thus making it artificial

    Nature does not exist in the ideology of the LDS

    I am sure it is flawed even in their mixed up reasoning but it is always fun to make them think about the things that they are trying to teach.  The LDS kids that come to me always leave thinking if nothing else they don’t come back till it is a new batch and even then they only talk to me because I am already outside they tend to stay away from my door though.

  • Drew M.

    Chase them around the neighborhood with a two-handed sword. In your underwear:

    http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=4600087&postcount=31

  • Sven

    I never get these people at the door.
    But if LDS folks ever knock, it would be great to act totally confused. Tell them that the Momons last week said that théy were the ones with the ‘ thruth’. And for every claim they make, say that the Mormons claimed that as well.
    See how long they, or I, will keep it going.

    • Ben

      I thought LDS and Mormons were the same thing. Perhaps you meant JWs in place of one of them, or I could be wrong.

      • Sven

        You are absolutely correct. I meant JWs indeed.

  • Dar Krum

    I know. I am supposed to retell a JDub at the door story. I have none as I simply tell them to bugger off. Unless my five year old is present, then I ask them to bugger off, please.

    No, I am responding because I have never before read the Parenting Beyond Belief. Before I posted this response I added them to my Google reader and now I can read him on my iPhone wherever I go. That was brilliant. It was very well written and I loved it. Thank you for sharing that with us all.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=553145445 Gordon Duffy

      I’d recommend reading through Dale’s back catalogue, he’s had some great stories to share.

  • Greg

    I always get sad when I read about people who get proselytisers to their door. 

    It’s heartbreaking: I never do. Maybe it’s because I’m in the UK – or at least whereabouts I live in the UK.

    The closest I got to it was heading back to my uni from Dundee after a night out (~30 min bus journey), and a random guy sat beside me on the bus and started trying to convert me to whatever his brand of Christianity was. It was quite funny, actually, because every time he would present me with an argument, and I would make a counter argument, he wouldn’t try to argue back, but rather move onto a different thing. I think he must have been a beginner at the proselytising lark, because I didn’t say anything particularly unusual or ground-breaking.

    He finished off by telling me that he had laws given to him by his god (in the 10 commandments), and tried to convince me of how impressive that was. I just pointed out that I have no way of knowing that these were presented to man by ‘God’, other than the claims of a really old book – which I don’t accept as fact. 

    He seemed completely thrown by that, as if he’d never considered it. Unfortunately his stop came up around then and we couldn’t continue talking. :(

  • oli kenton

    I had a visit from a pair of sweet old lady JW’s. They asked me whether i thought the world was spinning out of control and becoming more violent. I asked them compared to when? Then told them about the dropping murder rate (here in the UK) and told them that i thought life was much more moral now.
    They switched topics to “The Gays”. They asked me if i thought societies increasing acceptance of homosexuality was proof of moral decay. I had to explain that i thought nothing of the kind and frankly, didn’t really care who other people sleep with, especially since i had more than a few gay friends.
    Seeking to avoid an arguement no doubt they moved onto the bible. At which point i had them. They asked if i thought the bible had any place in the modern world. I said no, it was a collection of primitive iron age legends and myths and that it was actively holding us back from being as moral as we could be. They really didn’t seem to be expecting that so i got my bible out (looted gideons version) and asked them whether they were married. They both were. I asked them if their husbands shaved the hair at the sides of their heads and when they said yes, showed them the bit in the OT where that is forbidden. Then we moved onto shellfish (they had both eaten seafood recently), clothes made of more than one cloth (they, recklessly, hadn’t even checked their clothing tags to make sure they were safe) and a few other barbarous bits. Eventually they could see they weren’t going to get a convert and that i was happy to rip their faith up all day and left.
    Sadly these days i don’t get many door to door types, although there has been a hilarious bunch of mormons on the buses locally. I love seeing a spotty kid with a badge calling him Elder.

  • JoeBuddha

    As a Buddhist, I seem to be a complete alien to them: They understand worshiping a god and not worshiping a god, but can’t seem to get their heads around a religion that has no god. We always have a nice talk, after which I never see them again.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/FDGYHBEWVNGUG763L5X4TON3JQ Nazani14

    I tell them I work a night shift, and they’re very rude to wake me up.  Since I work from home, I actually am in PJs a good bit of the time.

  • cbc

    The last time I had a JW knock at my door, a sweet elderly lady asked me to read a verse out of her bible. It discussed “groping for god.” I could hardly get through it because of my juvenile giggles and absurd mental images. 

    Another time, my roommate answered the door when I was not at home and (as a prank) told them to DEFINITELY come back next week and ask for me as my soul was in dire need of saving. 

  • One_Hand_Clapping

    I’ve found that just telling them “We’re atheists.” is usually enough to keep them away. I’m pretty sure it’s all they can do to keep from covering their mouths and noses, afraid to catch what I am carrying.

    Incidentally, does anyone know of a good atheism pamphlet that I can print and have ready to hand out, should JW’s come-a-knockin’?

    • Rich Wilson

      Good point.  I think their toolbox is geared towards a basic belief in the biblical narrative.  Which is reasonable given the demographic.  They’re just trying to convince you that their fan fiction is better than the original.

      It’s kind of like how Ray Comfort’s shtick only works if you think the Ten Commandments are actual requirements in the first place. 

  • Chakolate

    Reading all the other entries reminded me of something that happened this past summer, that I’m a bit ashamed of. 

    All the JWs we get here only speak Spanish, so when they saw me sitting on the porch, I waved them away.  Then one of the women gave her (daughter?granddaughter?) a pamphlet to come up and hand to me.  I told the child (about 9 or 10 years old) that I didn’t believe in god and I didn’t believe in Santa Claus and that she shouldn’t let grownups lie to her. 

    Okay, that was not a shining moment for me.  It’s one thing to rattle the adults, but I since would not appreciate someone else preaching to my child, I should have respected their right to whatever brainwashing they wanted for their own child. 

    Shortly after that, my cat disappeared.  He mostly sits on the porch with me, occasionally trotting off to sniff something, never going very far.  He’s never gone for more than 15 minutes or so.  My phone number is on his collar, and after the JWs had been gone for about ten minutes, it rang twice, but no one was on the other end. 

    My cat didn’t come back.  After two hours of calling for him and walking up and down the street looking for him, I noticed a car with two women and a child in it crossing the intersection at the end of the block, and there was an animal in the back, although I couldn’t see it clearly.  A few seconds later I heard a car door slam and Doc came running around the corner like he was being chased by a giant dog or something. 

    His fur was a bit matted and he had excrement around his butt, and for the next three days he never left my side.  He’d been really freaked. 

    I believe that the JWs kidnapped my cat as a way of striking out against me for speaking to their child.  It’s entirely possible they self-justified as ‘rescuing’ the cat from such a horrible person.  If that’s what happened, I really hope the cat sh*t was hard to get out of their car. 

    Anyway, that whole episode left me a little ashamed of myself.  In fact, I wish every child could hear what I said to that little girl, but that’s not my call  to make.  So after that I started thinking about how to treat the door-to-door god pushers, and I decided that even if they were being rude, I didn’t have to respond in kind. 

    Besides, being rude just makes people feel superior to you, it doesn’t change any minds.  Whereas being nice can really mess with their heads. 

    • Demonhype

      Don’t feel bad.  If they don’t want their kid hearing that sort of thing, they shouldn’t be having her run up and shove religious literature into other people’s hands.  I think they do that because they know that what someone might say to an adult proselytizer they would never say to a child, so they hid behind the kids.  They try to use the kids to deflect any hint of disagreement, because who wants to disappoint a child?  You won’t say anything mean and you might even accept the literature so they don’t feel rejected.  That way, they can invade your space and proselytize and if you lash back even just a little, you end up looking and feeling like the meanie, when all along it’s their own fault for putting their kid in that position.  It’s a cheap shot and a coward’s tactic.

      In fact, if they’re going to teach their kid to act like that, pushing their religion on other people, then maybe the kid ought to learn early how people can react to that sort of obnoxious behavior.  She’s going to see a lot of it.  If she’s going to be running around spreading her ideas whether people want them or not, she’d better get used to being disagreed with.  You were actually pretty mild, truth  be told.

      Also, though you wouldn’t like someone proselytizing and indoctrinating your kid, that isn’t what you were doing here.  You didn’t hear a kid singing “Jesus loves me” or something in her yard and stop to tell her there’s no god and she shouldn’t believe everything she’s told.  You didn’t teach that in the classroom or push to have it taught in the classroom.  You didn’t go to her house and push an atheist pamphlet in her hand.  You were approached with something you didn’t want and didn’t believe in and you expressed your disinterest and disagreement with it.

      And there is nothing in what you said that could possibly justify disappearing your cat like that.

      • Chakolate

        Thanks for excusing me, but you can’t do it by condemning them.  i agree to all that you said, and certainly their hiding behind the child was cowardly.  That doesn’t excuse me. 

        When another door-to-door god pusher came by, with his son, I just quietly told him not to bring the boy here again.  And he hasn’t.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=553145445 Gordon Duffy

      I would have gone and looked in the car window, and if the cat was there I’d have smashed the window to let it out.

      • Chakolate

        I didn’t see well enough to tell whether it was my cat as the car drove by, and before I could go look, Doc came running.  Even so, I don’t think I would have smashed the window.  I think I would have waited by the car until they came back and just stared at them until they let the cat out. 

  • Vinny
  • Former Thumper

    Two baptists came to my door once(in florida even the baptists sometimes do the doorknocking thing). They asked me if I was sure that I was going to heaven. I told them that I was certain that I didn’t believe in their heaven and therefor wouldn’t be going either way. I tld them to have a nice day and then they made a mistake. The one guy said”you don’t want to go to hell, do you?”(I don’t take kindly to being threatened with everlasting torment). So I said “you don’t want to freeze in niffleheim do you?”, he said “no”. So I responded “you should worship thor dude”. He said “obviosly that stuffs not real” and I pointed to his bible and said “same thing. Have a nice day guys.”. They left, speechless

  • Bruce

    I used to sort of glare at them, wait for them to finish their spiel, take their literature and let them figure out it was time to go. We had a visit a few weeks ago, it was Saturday morning and I was cooking pancakes for my kids. I opened the door with a spatula in my hand, looked at the two overdressed women on my doorstep noted The Watchtower one held in her hand and said, “Jehovah’s Witnesses.” a statement, not a question. They smiled in a “ya got me” kind of way. And then I said, “Sorry, I don’t have time for you,” and closed the door.

    My 7 year old son had watched my glare and wait routine the time before and had been full of questions I didn’t want to answer. He observed this performance and said nothing. I’ve found my tactic.

  • Kristin

    I was approached on the street once by two girls who, I’m convinced, only spoke a total of 12 English words. That didn’t stop them from trying to find converts. One tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me?” I turned around, and they said something completely unintelligible. I replied, “What?” and figured they were looking for directions or something. They then started gesturing upwards in the direction of the college dorm building behind us (or, that’s what I thought, anyway).  After several attempts, I thought I understood their question and heard, “Do you live in there?” to which I replied, “No.” Their faces dropped, and they said, “Oh, no?” as though I had kicked their puppy. I realized I had misunderstood the question. Somehow, I came to the realization that the actual question had been, “Do you believe in God?” (Apparently the gesture was not at the building; rather, it was supposed to signify the Sky Bully. Nonetheless, my “no” was still true.) They then both began whining, “But the mother! But the mother!” over and over. Now I was completely lost. They then pulled out a book of quotes and pointed to a completely insignificant quote from the Bible that had something to do with a mother and nothing to do with belief in God. I said, “Yeah, mothers are great. I have to go now.”  Then I walked away.

  • http://www.facebook.com/geekysteven Steven Olsen

    When I was 16, I explained why the facts uncovered by science lead me to doubt the supernatural. They didn’t have an answer. 2 weeks later, I got a free fully illustrated book on creationism in the mail.

  • http://www.tulgeywooddesigns.com Amphigorey

    One thing I’ve wanted to do but have never had the time is to accompany the JWs or Mormons on their rounds. Not to harass them or, really, interact with the JWs directly, but to come with them as they prey on vulnerable people, and to be a voice of reason.  Wouldn’t it be interesting to just walk along with them and greet people just as they do? Make it clear you’re not with them, be polite, say hello, and say that you’re there to counter the JWs.

    I wonder how long they’d put up with it.

    • Chakolate

      What a great idea!  But they’d probably decamp very quickly. 

  • Soup

    My favorite way to go is, “Get off my property now or I’ll call the police.”

  • http://antigold.myopenid.com/ Jude

    I just slam the door in their faces.

  • Charles Black

    I wish the JWs would knock on my door, I’d ask them if they would kill their children if anyone ordered them to do it (Not so coincidentally it is in book of Deuteronomy).

  • Naveerkumar7

    First people has to learn to respect human relationships,love each other,then where is a chance of sin, love is god, if you hate people of any faith you don’t belong to god. Nothing difference with terrorists who kills in the name of god. People are just knowing jehovah is a only god jesus is lord, not learning how to live according to god, they divide god’s people into many faiths Evangelists, protestnts, roman catholics, jehovah’s witness, they started hating themselves, fighting each other with theier own teaching confusing people all around the world , our life ends searching for true faith, teachings where is the time in our life to learn and leave according to it, remember what jesus told House divided among themselves never be built it appiles to satan not for us, please stop dividing bible teachings with your own thoughts, leave you ego’s work as a children of true god we all believe in same god jehovah our lord is one jesus chirst,invite everyone with love, because god is love, There may be true chirstians , but i have seen good teachings in all faith because it is based on bible , but until now i have never seen a true people with tue love and living according to bible, becauase they are getting failed in their first attempt that love thy neighbour as your self. Unite as one as we belong same one body ie chirst stop foolish aruguments, we don not want what happend in past or wat will happen in future we all want is true brotherly love, to be out evil desires, to living according stop spending time by reseacrhing  wat will happen in future, future belongs to go,  no one does not wat will happen in the next moment , how can you try to konow wat will happen in future years, it is  not time to prophecy to save people and to get saved ourselevs already we are in problem so dont search for the root cause for the probelm,  and we donot have time to think to wat will happen to us in future because to it is time act not think wat will happen in next moment, First learn to live with truth, Love, faith fear of god, bceause it takes our life time to learn these things and to act according to god by loving eachother,faith, godly fear if really any man tries to aplies these things there is no time for him to think of past or future, Jesus never came to teach history or teach only wat will happen in future because he himself told No one knows when will end comes Except Jehovah Most high. Jesus wants us to learn to live as himself Pleasing god, Get saved your self first and save the world later, because a blind man can’t show path to others, just wat s happening in todays world.


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