An Interview with God and David Javerbaum, Authors of The Last Testament: A Memoir

You would think The Lord Almighty would be a little busy, but with the release of his new book, The Last Testament: A Memoir — written with the help of former Executive Producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart David Javerbaum — he’s doing something of a publicity tour.

Wouldn’t you know it, he was all too eager to talk with an atheist…

Our interview is below:

Does your writing this memoir singlehandedly destroy the arguments for atheism? (Or was it written by a Holy-Ghostwriter?)

Yea. But I hasten to add that a lifetime of damnation in the fires of hell shall singlehandedly remain the destroyer of the arguers for atheism.

Why did you wait until now to publish? A lot of Christians have been waiting to hear from you for a long time…

Because I was waiting for divine inspiration.

A lot of popular Christian books right now are about someone “dying” and then coming back to life… are they telling the truth? Did they really meet you?

No one other than Thou-Knowest-Who has ever died and come back to life. The only true near-death experience is life.

Who’s going to win the Republican primary? They all seem to think you told them them to run…

The true winner of the Republican primaries will be Barack Obama.

Looking back on the Scripture, were there any mistakes or typos in it?

This issue is addressed in the new book. One of the biggest is omitting what should have been the Sixth Pillar of Islam from the Koran. That pillar was “Git ‘r’ done.”

If you could have a do-over, would the Ten Commandments be any different?

Yea; I would re-order them to put the “coveting thy neighbor’s wife” one first. Verily, sex is a grabber.

Why do you talk like that? (You know what I meaneth.)

Why dost thou talk like that? I’d rather speak like King James than Queen Latifah.

Let’s do some word association… Evolution

Evil-ution. (Seest what I didst there?)

Tim Tebow

Nephew.

Neutrinos

Yummy.

David Javerbaum

Hack.

Islam

I’m not going there. Islam is great. I have great respect for Islam.

What terrible disaster do you have in store for us next?

First of all, I prefer to think of it as a wonderful disaster. And secondly, my angels are working on a new catastrophe that will forever change the way you think about being buried alive.

Are you ever gonna shave that beard of yours? I have money riding on this.

It is not mine. It belongeth to the body I borrow whenever I make earthly manifestations. And yea, he’s keeping the beard. But if I make any appearances in Brooklyn, I may make it a goatee.

What am I thinking right now…?

How much thou wouldst like to have sex with thy mother. (Sorry, but thou asked.)

I know you call this “The Last Testament”… but any plans for a sequel? Is there a movie in the works?

Yea. The sequel will be called The Last Testament 2: The Final Ending. And we are negotiating for a movie deal as we speak. The Rock is attached.

If you’d like to read an excerpt from the book, Gawker published one explaining how God initially created Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden. (Take that, homophobic Christians!)

You are all welcome to tell God how much you love him on Twitter (@TheTweetOfGod).

And plan on buying his book — it’s 10% more holy-arious than his previous one; how can you resist?

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Trina

    Love it.  Many, uh, thanks to god for giving the interview.

  • http://religiouscomics.net/ Jeff P

    Looks like God was having a bad hair day

  • Philbert

    “Islam is great” — really? Is that the Comedy Central official line?

  • Blake

    Sequel? We want a prequel! We want to know what he was doing with that eternity before creation.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/DJRVGKGG36KNLNMZAVT4EXOF3M Ed-words

    I read somewhere that only Christianity, of the major religions,
    preaches of a Hell that’s ETERNAL. That isn’t fair.


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