And God Said to Pat Robertson…

Pat Roberston has been talking to his sky-friend, and he learned something interesting. He thinks he knows who the next American president will be. But he’s “not supposed to talk about that,” so the rest of us are none the wiser. But the Lord did have some non-confidential information for Robertson:

Your country will be torn apart by internal stress. A house divided cannot stand. Your president holds a radical view of the direction of your country which is at odds with the majority. Expect chaos and paralysis. Your president holds a view which is at the odds with the majority — it’s a radical view of the future of this country, and so that’s why we’re having this division. This is a spiritual battle which can only be won by overwhelming prayer. The future of the world is at stake because if America falls, there’s no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world. There must be an urgent call to prayer.

It’s remarkable how much the Lord’s wisdom resembles right-wing talking points… But wait, there’s more!

A time of maximum stress and peril, greater than at any time since the CBN ministry began. This country will begin disintegrating.

CBN has been around since 1961, so he points out that this is no small thing. He had to press hard to find out what it was before learning that it will be an “economic collapse” and that we “are bringing it upon ourselves.”

Apparently, God doesn’t have any suggestions for preventing it… but at least we have Robertson to forewarn us. I’m sure everyone’s freaking out as we speak.

About Bentley Owen

Bentley Owen reads books and lives in Tulsa, OK. He's on twitter.

  • kit

    The future of the world is at stake because if America falls, there’s no longer a strong champion of freedom and a champion of the oppressed of the world.”

    Because there is no other democratic country in the world that espouses freedom and champions the oppressed peoples in the world. /eye-rolling. 

  • Alt+3

    Economic collapse? Oh my!

    Good thing I traded my gold for cash.

  • Perry Kaufman

    I do hope the right-wing listens to him and stays home in prayer instead of voting. Please, please!

  • Rich Wilson

    This is a spiritual battle that can only be won by overwhelming prayer.

    Please, please, please, pray.

    And I sure wish he’d put his presidential prediction in an envelope and send it to any major new media (even Fox) to be opened after the election.

  • gsw

    Well, I don’t think much of a god who says he is only able to actually do anything about it if there is “overwhelming prayer”.”Tsunamis and earthquakes, crop failure and disease? Well I warned you, no prayers no relief!”

  • Rev. Ouabache

    A time of maximum stress and peril, greater than at any time since
    the CBN ministry began. This country will begin disintegrating.

    C’mon! Pat says this every year. And every election is the most important election of our lifetimes. He really needs to freshen up his act.

  • Kathy

    ‘I’m going to read just what I wrote down as if I’m hearing from the lord these words….’
    Is he admitting that he didn’t actually hear these words?  That he’s making it all up?

  • moulnathan

    Brilliant segment! That does sound extreme! I truly said whatever you shared seems to me meaningful. Thanks mate and keep it up!

  • Richard Wade

    Perhaps Jerry Falwell actually was given a postmortem enema as suggested by Christopher Hitchens, and the resultant intestinal inundation was all bequeathed to Pat Robertson. This could explain why he never seems to run out of this stuff.

  • Anonymous

    I think the notion of him predicting the presidential election is hilarious because:

    - It implies that the result of the ’12 election is preordained. Essentially he’s saying to his faithful that the election is decided. Why campaign? Hell, why vote, if God has already decided who the winner is going to be? It’ll be doubly hilarious if Obama wins and Robertson is faced with the prospect of God having chosen Obama.

    - Given that the nominees are going to be Obama and (probably) Romney, evangelical Robertson is going to have a great time explaining how God allowed the two only options for president to be a racist, communist, Muslim radical and…a Mormon. Consider the antipathy many evangelicals have for Mormons. Robertson has just said God knows who is going to win, and at this point it’s very likely neither choice will be justifiable with his detestable theology.

    - I just love the fact that apparently God counts time in terms of when the Christian Broadcasting Network was founded.

  • Paul Reed

    As I’ve said elsewhere:
    God talks to those who talk to themselves

  • Newavocation

    Always wondered what “freedom” he is referring to. Freedom to pick what movie to go see? Freedom to have fries with your burger? Freedom to pick a god? Certainly not the freedom to think for yourself. 

  • Markfheil

    Wait, I thought America was “God’s country”.  Yet, in speaking to Robertson he uses the term “your country”.  Is that like when a kid is misbehaving the one parent tells the other that “YOUR son/daughter did such and such…”?

  • Praedico

    Didn’t you know? America is the only free, democratic nation on Earth!
    All the others are either socialist (like the UK and Canada with their ‘healthcare’), Islamic (anywhere more than 5% of the population is Muslim, or just brown), communist (anywhere that free market capitalism isn’t wholeheartedly embraced) or anarchic hell-holes (everywhere else, but especially where brown people live).

  • Georgia Stanton

    Aww, don’t worry. If you don’t manage to pray hard enough and America falls and can no longer champion freedom in the world, I’ll get some Aussie friends together and we’ll take over. Don’t sweat it.

    Man, that sounds like a reeeeally interesting post-apocalypse movie.

  • runawayuniverse

    Pat did this 4 years ago. He said god spoke to him and told him who the next President was going to be, but that he had to keep it secret. Pat then endorsed Rudy Giuliani.

  • GentleGiant

    You know Pat, you can get pills for those voices in your head…

  • Gunstargreen

    The guy elected by the majority holds radical views opposed to the majority. No wonder so many Christians hate math.

  • Bevidence

    These kids just luv shar’n the Good News!  Me thinks she’s freak’n out in her head, but really needs that paycheck.

  • Brian Macker

    It’s amazing in this case how accurate the Lord is in this case. He normally bats fairly low, ut this time he got most if it right. What he left out is that this is true of the next president no matter which party he comes from.

  • Conrad schnakenberg

    the far right is having a hissy fit because they cannot believe a black man became president. They hate that so they are using every possible invective except they are not using the racist card because it will not fly.

  • The Other Weirdo

    Oddly, though, whenever anybody gets into trouble, they inevitably look to the US to save them. Before the war in Yugoslavia back 20 years-odd ago, there was a story on CNN, where they were interviewing people on the street, the common thread was that America had to come and save them. Not any of those free and democratic countries right next door to them, but a country from half-way across the world. During the actual, the country with the most sorties was the US. The country with the second most sorties was Canada(which surprised me, actually, because up to that point I believed Canada only had the one plane).

  • The Other Weirdo

    Isn’t predicting presidential elections on the basis of religion the same as predicting the end of the world on the same basis? Pat, meet Harry. You two have a lot in common.

  • Rich Wilson

    Question is, are we expected to save everyone because we have nearly half of the world’s military power, or do we have nearly half of the world’s military power because we’re always saving everyone?

    (Power as computed by dollars spent, which I realize isn’t really an accurate portrayal since other countries probably get more their money, especially countries with conscription)

  • Anonymous

    And remember when Afghanistan an Iraq cried out for America to save them. Come bomb the shit out of us they cried! Come replace our crooked corrupt thugs with different crooked corrupt thugs! But don’t forget to kill a shitload of us while you’re at it. Who else would have come to their aid if not America!

  • Anonymous

    Brilliant, if Obama wins he’s chosen by God.

  • Rich Wilson

    I’m not sure God is deciding so much as predicting.  Free will and all that.  That’s what all the prayer is about.  God only elects the right president for people who pray really hard.

    I know, that still begs the question, “why pray if the result is already known?”  Some clients are harder to defend than others.

    I also wonder if that “I can’t tell you” was more an IRS thing than a GOD thing.  (Other than of course this way he can claim to have been right after the election)

  • Mairianna

    What if God picks the race to be Obama v Santorum?????  :^))

  • Anonymous

    That would be a really shitty (ejem) way for God to indicate he does exist and performs miracles (curses?) ;-)

  • Rich Wilson

    Some people would be frothing (ahem) to see that race ;-)

  • NickDB

    “Not any of those free and democratic countries right next door to them, but a country from half-way across the world.”


    It’s called minding your own business.

  • NickDB

    Hey, us saffers will come help. Then we can teach the survivors
    how to have a real Barbie (or braai), what proper beer is, and to top it all
    off, introduce them to test cricket.

  • Watchemoket

    We can only pray that he does … ;-)

  • Watchemoket

    Oh, no — not Cricket!! Nobody said we’d have to endure cultural torture when the country falls apart!

  • The Other Weirdo

    Any person who suggests that prayer is the appropriate solution to real-world problems is but one step removed from suggested that in order to guarantee a bountiful harvest, a few dozen virgins must be sacrificed to a sun-god.

  • The Other Weirdo

    Go tell the Libyans that. They started their revolution on the premise that America was going to come and save them.

  • Anonymous

    Did they really?  It sounds more like a tidy media narrative.  Then again, I never heard that.

  • Anonymous

    Prayer, if prescribed as the exclusive solution, could be a handy solution to the problem of prayerful people voting in batshit crazy people.  If they pray and vote, then that means they don’t believe in prayer.

  • The Other Weirdo

    Then again, you don’t want to disenfranchise whole swathes of people. Nothing good comes of that.

  • Anonymous

    That’s true, but then, they already believed they were disenfranchised when political power switched parties in a fair election.