How To Speak ‘True-Believer’

February 29, 2012 By Bengie 20 Comments



Filed Under: General, Humor 20 Comments
About Bengie

Graphic designer by day and web cartoonist "Bengie" by night; drawing a weekly webcomic every Wednesday for the Friendly Atheist blog. Bengie also 'arts' the bi-weekly audio comic Slackjaw: The Working Dead
www.slackjawcomic.com

  • Yukimi

    Lol’ed at last panel XP

  • http://friendlyatheist.com Richard Wade

    More translations:

    “Well, you just have to have faith.” = I’m not honest enough to admit that I have no argument to counter yours.

    “I’ll pray for you.” = You’ve kicked my ass in this debate, but I’m going to back out of it pretending that I’m one up on you.

    “Without God, people would be immoral monsters.” = My morality is so shallow and childish, I only behave because Big Daddy will punish me.

    “It’s important to spread the Gospel.” = Unless I surround myself with people who constantly nod in agreement, my faith will steadily evaporate.

    • TiltedHorizon

      “Well, you just have to have faith.” =  I use god like filler, to hide gaps in knowledge. The tide goes in, the tide goes out. You can’t explain it!

      “I’ll pray for you.” = That I’ll be present when the atheist gets to the pearly gates so I can say, “Told you!”

      “Without God, people would be immoral monsters.” = I would happily dash my own children against the rocks…  but god says it is bad.

      “I only socialize with people of my faith.” = I can only be tolerant of others in my own circle.  

      “Atheists make me angry.” = See: “I only socialize with people of my faith.”

       

      • http://yetanotheratheist.com/ TerranRich

        I would happily dash my own children against the rocks… but god says it is bad.

        Psalm 137:9 — technically it’s only OTHER people who bash your kids against rocks who are blessed, and not your own.

        • TiltedHorizon

          I know, my post was a loose reference, an amalgam of an “immoral monster” and Psalm 137:9 resulting in a person who could ‘happily’ kill their own children.

    • FSq

      “Who hurt you to make you turn from God?” = I cannot conceive of anyone who would actually see things under the microscope of reason, logic, intellect and honesty versus my make-believe friend.

  • http://lizheywoodwriter.blogspot.com/ Liz Heywood

    A born-again friend of mine was upset that I didn’t believe in the devil. She said she’d pray for the devil to come into my life so I would believe…the weirdest prayer I ever heard of.  Christians don’t like it when you refuse to play by their rules.

    • Anonymous

      Wow how very Christian of her… is she S Baptist by chance? From what I recall they’re all about the brimstone & hell fire… at least mine was

    • TiltedHorizon

      Wow. A prayer to inflict harm? That’s a first for me. This is one case where I would have been shocked into silence had I heard it.

    • http://twitter.com/CoboWowbo Cobo Wowbo

      Keep hounding her that you’re waiting for this devil character to appear. (Of course you’ll know no such thing will ever happen)

      A friend told me that his god will appear before me. Ten years later, still no god.

      • Jayneseo

        No no I’m sure it probably did.  You just had your eyes/heart closed to it so you could not see it was this god that did something, sometime, not just nature or coincidence.

    • Anonymous

      Oh just lovely. eye roll
      What did “the devil” do when he arrived? Did she begin to point out any circumstances in your life that just had to be the work of the devil/her prayer answered?
      These types of things are laughable and yet disturbing on many levels.

    • Anonymous

       I thought Christians are supposed to be monotheists…

      • Alan Williamson

        Father, Son, and Holy Ghost…3 Gods, no?

      • Anonymous-Sam

        Funny thing is, the Bible itself makes allusions to multiple gods (and I don’t mean its references to “strange gods” or “have no other gods before me”). If you go back into the original languages, a lot of the words flatly translated to “God” are actually references to different deities referred to and even sacrificed to by Abram, Isaac, etc.

        There was Yahweh, yes, but also El, Sin, and the Egyptian gods (whom Joseph openly acknowledges), just to name those who come up in Genesis. There’s also the curious lines in Genesis 49:24 and 25, which says Joseph will be blessed by “the God of Jacob … thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee …”

        The word used there is Shaddaj, which, frankly, is a word we don’t know. Some have linked it to other gods. There are many words which were purposefully mistranslated to render future versions of the Bible increasingly monotheistic, but they’re still there, if you can wade through the awful prose.

        “Elohim,” also translated to “God”, was a plural word.

    • http://twitter.com/WCLPeter Rob U

      Well I did hear on the radio just now about how the Devil went down to Georgia ’cause he was looking for some souls to steal.  See, apparently, he was getting way behind and looking to make a deal.

      Then there was something about a guy named Johnny, a fiddle, and him making a sin, but then I thought I was being punked so I changed the station.

    • http://friendlyatheist.com Richard Wade

      Tell your friend that it’s not working, probably because she’s still praying to God. If she wants the devil to come into your life, she’ll probably have to pray directly to the devil. I mean, that only makes sense, right?

      Then ask her if she thinks sacrificing a live chicken would be sufficient for her to register her request. The two of you can enjoy chicken fricassee while you wait for Beelzebub to show up.

  • BibleName

    Most commonly, I have heard “I’ll pray for you,” as the Christian equivalent of or euphemism for “F**k you.”

    • Ranson

      No, no, that’s “Bless your heart”.

  • FSq

    I was in a Barnes and Noble about a week ago, in the cafe getting some work done and having a coffee. I was seated in front of a table of five, 20-something girls. They were giggling and acting like normal young 20-somethings, until I overheard them talking about running Sunday classes for three-year old kids and toddlers. They were discussing methods of piquing the children’s interest to segue way into “and this is how god created the world”…Of course, my stomach churned, and then they began talking about Dicky Santorum, and gay marriage and the recent Prop 8 rulings (I’m a Californian and this Barnes and Noble is in Thousand Oaks)….

    So, when they began their homophobic rants, I chastised them (and you all think I am just a misanthrope online) and told them they should be ashamed of themselves, that they are the problem and that a good 50 percent of my friends are LGBT. 

    The ring-leader then said “We love gays”….which translates as “we claim to love the sinners but hate the sin because this gives us a way to feel superior”…I stopped her, told her to go to the large section marked “Reference”, grab a Merriam Webster and look up “love” because what she was advocating as love, isn’t.

    Thing is, they can pull this shit with little to no actual outcry, yet if I say “fucking christian” or “fucking mormon” in the face of the christians and mormons directly….DIRECTLY causing bigoted harm to my friends, I become guilty of being “intolerant” and “persecuting them” and their believes. Well, guess, what, I am intolerant and I am persecuting them and I will continue until they stop telling everyone else what to do with their uterus or genitals.