In response to my challenge earlier today, Zach Moore created this hilarious parody (PDF) of the “Day of Dialogue” card that Christians are supposed to hand the GLBT crowd at their schools:
Hand those out on April 19th and spread the Word!
In case you missed it, this is what the original looks like (PDF):
Whoa… now I know have Rowdy Rody Piper feels when he puts on his special sunglasses
So, what I get from the end of the real one is that jesus is into 3somes….
“He created every one of us, male and female, so that we could enjoy an intimate relationship with him”
So, at the very least, he’s bi?
What it really means is, “You’re obviously different, more-than-likely you’re a nasty sinning bugger and I’d like to make you my new pet project”. Here’s a card to point all of that out! Jesus loves you ( add jazz hands).
I will stand up against any bullying, teasing, or harming of you, even though your sick perversions deserve such treatment.
I’m sick of people saying that Jesus said not to judge people. First Corinthians 2:15 – “But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man.”
I’m pretty sure that’s not Jesus speaking. That chapter speaks of him, but it’s by him.
You’re right… that’s all Paul talking. I just looked it up in my handy-dandy bible that has the “words of Christ in red” .
I have that on my tablet!
… And that He created every one of us, male and female, so that we could enjoy an intimate relationship with Him.
Doesn’t that mean that Jesus just got outed as bisexual? That’s still sorta homosexual, so I’m not really sure what they’re trying to say.
Replace the word “believe” with “I have no proof to back up any of the ridiculous claims that I’m making, but yet take for granted that I can use these as attestations of the highest Order to persecute you for your sexual orientation, political opinion and birth control issues- but hey, it’s OK if you don’t believe what I just said you can go straight to hell and burn forever, you wretched sinner! Have a nice day! Jesus loves you!”
For the Xkcd lovers, you’ll notice that I used “believe” in the definition of “believe”, thus sending you into a endless recursion of no escape. Just like religion. Booyeah!!!!!
http://www.dayofmonologue.com/ exists now and currently points to this post.
Wow — Thanks, Andrew!
Wow – I wish I was still a high schooler just so I could give these cards to my friends targeted by the evangelizers. Excellent card.
“Let’s listen to me talk some more about it!”
That made me make “ha-ha” sounds right out loud. Good stuff.
The whole “Intimate with Jesus” thing is really strong in some places. My wife and I attended the wedding of one of her college roommates and the sermon was full of this.
It started with stuff along the lines of the bride, groom and Jesus are all getting married to live out the rest of their lives together and worked up to , “It is important that Jesus be there with you on your wedding night and as you go on to conceive children.” The last 5 – 10 minutes had a severely hilarious focus on Jesus in the bedroom. The intent was surely an added guilt trip against cheating, with an admonition to stay Christian as Jesus was with you, but rally just sounded like Jesus was entering into a polygamous marriage with them.
While most sermons I’ve heard had a bit of absurdity, this may have been the only one where I was literally biting my tongue not to laugh out loud.
Went to a wedding like that, myself and a few of my friends had to leave (strategically sat at the back for just in case) when they got to that part. We left quietly and stayed as quiet as possible outside, until I got a text from my wife telling us to go further away.
Immature I know, but hadn’t laughed that hard in awhile
Jesus in the bedroom? So that’s who was cupping my sack!
Coercion doesn’t always take the form of a punch in the face. Sometimes, it’s a nosy bastard intent on discussing your personal sex life. …in a nice way.
We were designed male and female to be “intimate with Jesus”? That’s really creepy.
I’m crabby, got the flu, it’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
What I really, really want to know is when someone says: “I’m a Christian, someone who follows Jesus”. Is it OK to remind them that he was supposedly nailed to a cross for pissing people off?
One sentence in the original really should have “who are” (between “me” and “being”) : “I will stand up for for students around me being teased, bullied or harmed for any reason.” As is, it seems as though they might be fine with students around them being bullied. We know they are fine with students around them being irritated with little cards and preaching.
Considering the anti-bullying laws that were passed in several states almost all have “except where spiritual beliefs are involved” out-clauses which specifically allow Christians to bully gay students, I think that part of the card is complete BS anyway. Evidently it’s considered very important that Christians be allowed to harass their fellow students to suicidal tendencies.
Jewish students should hand out the same sort of cards to students who bring ham and cheese sandwiches to school regarding the filthy lifestyle of pork consumption.
Of course Jewish students are content in following their religious beliefs and personally abstaining from pork without caring what people of other religions do. These Christians should take note.
Forget kosher food advocates. Be afraid of enraging a vegan. You haven’t received a card until you’ve found yourself the victim of a vegan sermon. XD