If God Exists, What Would You Say To Him?

April 26, 2012 By 60 Comments

Adam Brown acts out what an atheist would say if s/he ever found out God existed (start at the 0:45 mark):

The text is by Reddit user Dexmac and you can read it here:

Side note: Adam is *totally* channeling Jim Gaffigan in the video, amirite?!

Filed Under: General 60 Comments
About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the chair of Foundation Beyond Belief and a high school math teacher in the suburbs of Chicago. He began writing the Friendly Atheist blog in 2006. His latest book is called The Young Atheist's Survival Guide.

  • Renshia

    Holy Cow, this guy is way to stable. Makes me feel like a complete ass.
    I am sure my conversation would have started with.

    Who the f**k do you think you are? Where the f**k do you get off? What kind of an a**hole would come up with s**t like that? What the H**L were you thinking and what’s wrong with your head?.
    (edited for sensitive eyes.)

    Good video, but the guy is handling it way to well. 

    • Beckyg

       You took the words right out of my mouth. :)

  • DG

    Well, this video pretty much shows what I’ve been saying and asking about since I stumbled across this blog last week.

    • http://CoffeeShopAtheist.com/blog Patrick

      That God is an asshole and not worthy of worship, even if there were evidence to support him beyond “i felt something/something cool happened therefore God”?

    • amycas

      How awesome Hemant is for finding this stuff??

  • Onamission5

    LOVE!

    Especially this part– “I may have been a willful child, but you were a terrible father.”

    I have long said that if the xian deity is a father figure, he’s in desperate need of parenting classes.

  • Katie

    Wait, wha? The text doesnt match up. Was it written by a theist?  I understand in the text he changed “oh shit” to “oh, dear” but he also changed “I hope” to “I pray” and “Beside: I was thrust into life” to “Beside, by your will, I was thrust into life”  and took out the “poorly written fictional character”…etc etc etc.

    • Onamission5

      I took that for just one of those things which happens when giving a memorized monologue vs. reading a prompter or script. Sometimes you jumble the wording a bit but it doesn’t matter too much so long as the meaning conveys and the performance is strong.

      • Katie

        Ohhh, so it was written first and then created into a video? I thought they transcribed it from the video.

        • Onamission5

          Honestly I don’t know, but I assumed. Maybe I shouldn’t assume, because I could be wrong!

  • spinkham

    I prefer TheoreticalBullshit’s version myself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iClejS8vWjo

  • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

    I find this odd, just because it seems to feed into the theist assumption that we think a particular god is more likely to be real than any of the others, hence the text mentioning ”God” (the biblical god, of course) and referencing the Bible, heaven, and hell. I can’t figure out why people would assume one deity, let alone address this one, a single male god created in the ancient Middle East. Why limit your fantasy conversation to one specific deity when there are a multitude of gods and goddesses out there? Why limit yourself to addressing Christian mythology?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1078695333 David Kopp

      Because that’s what most people who stand to gain insight from this video believe in.

      Why not put it in another language as well?

      • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

        But they don’t see their god as an unfair monster, so they’re unlikely to get anything from it.

        They’ll watch this video and have all their stereotypes about atheists confirmed. That we secretly do believe in their god, somewhere deep down, but we’re just angry at him because we think he’s mean and immoral.

        • Renshia

           Yeah, but really, who cares what they think. The will listen and learn, or they won’t. In the end it is their life to do what they want. Until someone is willing to look and question, they will allow a fart to be confirmation to what they believe, even if it is only a brain fart.  So, in the end it makes no difference.
          If they do care to learn, they will understand it doesn’t matter which god it is aimed at. They will get it is meant for any and all.

          • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

            From your lips to the IPU’s ears! ;o)

            I think it does matter, though, which god it’s aimed at. Most religious people in Western culture are, naturally enough, fixated on their own god. I think playing into their assumptions (of a single male deity, heaven, hell, etc.) just feeds into their belief that their god is the only real one.

            • Renshia

               In principle I agree with you. I Find it kind of disparaging that we have to treat the subject with any seriousness at all. To think that after 6000 years people will still surrender their lives over to a pretty story. The fact they invest no serious critical evaluation, beyond a tickle in their insides leaves me with serious doubt of mankinds ability for long term survival.

              However, in the world of media and with Hemants intention of bringing in those most likely to be interested in the subject of his blog, a little poetic levity needs to be allowed. If he uses the capital G for god then those predisposed to think of their god as The God, will be more inclined to come and see what he has to say. The title is a simple red haring to attract people in to start dialog. It is kinda one of those, nudge, nudge, wink, wink things.

              It is a sad thing that Hemant needs to prostitute himself out to such shenanigans in the first place. It is a shame we have to have serious dialouge about this at all. I is a real shame that people actually take the magical guy in the sky with seriousness. I for one think it is a very bad mark on humanity that we have fallen for playing these despicable mind games. Mostly it is sad that we will need to continue on like this until religion reached it’s true place in the annals of history, in books of fantasy and fiction.

              Not that you don’t make a good point you do, Until it has reached it’s place, people like Hemant are allowed semantic liberties to help further the cause.

        • JD929

          If they want to read that into it, then that’s their problem. I think anyone that dead set in their ways probably isn’t going to listen to anything else anyway. 

          • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

            True, but I think even the more moderate theists have the same problem. They really think their god is special and unique, and the fact that atheists are addressing their god-concept exclusively just feeds into their sense of self-importance. It’s like they can point to this video and say “See, even atheists are talking about our god; therefore, they know deep down that our god is the only true and important one. ”

            I wish I were wrong, but I think a lot of them will watch this video and just have their stereotypes confirmed. I know it’s difficult because we live in a society dominated by the biblical deity, but I feel like atheists should make a special effort to address the fact that we think all gods and goddesses are equally imaginary.

            • Renshia

               I think that if they use that line of thought they are simply choosing to ignore the facts and people that do that, we can do nothing about.
              I know that FA has picked on many gods here. muslims, mormons, JWs, hindus buddhists. Sure they pick mainly on the christian god, simply because that is the makeup of the majority of the religious audience here. Heck I have even seen Hemant pick on those bug protecting Jains.

              So I agree that only picking out one god could lead people to think that validates their belief. But even that belief it just cherry picking on their part.

              Maybe a point should be made to single out different gods. Maybe a god mock of the week thing, or something like that. people that have been here a while know that we will pick on any gods.

              • http://annainca.blogspot.com/ Anna

                I like your “god of the week” idea!

                But I also think atheists should be more careful of their language. For example, Hemant’s title for this post is “If God Exists, What Would You Say to Him?” when it could just as easily have played a little less into theist assumptions. ”‘If the Biblical God Exists, What Would You Say to It?” seems better because it drives home the point that there’s more than one god-concept for atheists to address.

    • amycas

      At the beginning of the video, he posts the hypothetical scenario being posed: that the Christian god is real and this what he’d say to it. 

    • amycas

      At the beginning of the video, he posts the hypothetical scenario being posed: that the Christian god is real and this what he’d say to it. 

  • advancedatheist

    So what would happen if you subjected god to a logical paradox, like, “I pray that you ignore my prayer”?

    • Jim [the other Jim]

       It worked for Captain Kirk. “You are imperfect, Nomad. You must destroy yourself”

      • Renshia

         Ha ha… very good.

  • Andrew Morgan

    I’m not going to lie, these always strike me as very dumb.

    What would I say to God?  I haven’t the foggiest idea.  But what I probably wouldn’t say is some petulant rant that I wrote beforehand that takes a roundabout route through every philosophical objection to God’s existence or moral authority since, frankly, they really don’t matter when you’re actually standing face to face with God.

    The first thing I’d probably say is “Oh, fuck.”  Then I would say “Please tell me you’re not one of the gods that is going to damn me to eternal hellfire.”

    Atheists — of which I am one — generally strike me as very bad at the whole “thought experiment” game.  “You’re move, God”?  That’s how the speech ends?  If we’re seriously playing this game and assuming God exists, I absolutely would not be giving a speech, I’d be — after trying, probably futilely, to figure out how — trying to avoid eternal damnation.

    We can pretend like we’d have the wherewithal to give the speeches we post to r/atheism, but I’d be pooping myself.

    • Ndonnan

      Ahh an honoust assesment of the described situation

      • BobtheRobot

        When faced with certain death, here a different kind, since it is supernatural, but still…

        When faced with certain death people respond differently. Some cower in fear and shit their pants. Others feel no reason to be afaid anymore because they feel dead already. Many men have fought savagely in their last moments for that very reason against unbeatable odds and did not beg for their lives simply because a fight was futile.

        I think I might say, “Eh, you know what’d I say anyway, right’? So what’s the point. You’re existance doesn’t give the universe meaning, it removes it. I’m just a tool, saying exactly what you made me to say, even now, so I’m at a loss for words of any real meaning. I’m just talking now because I like the sound of my voice. Besides, why should I be afraid? Heaven or hell, my soul is immortal, by your own admission. I will live in paradise in my own mind no matter the punishment and if you grant me oblivion I won’t be here to suffer it. I win no matter what.”

    • amycas

       Honestly, I probably wouldn’t give a speech, but assuming it’s the Christian god (since that’s the one he’s addressing in the video), I still wouldn’t try to start worshiping it or trying to get out of hell. I don’t think the Christian god is worthy of worship even if it is real, so I think I would just choose hell.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Paul-Reed/692599362 Paul Reed

    …and then he woke up!

  • http://religiouscomics.net/ Jeff P

    If I died and came face to face with some God-like intelligence, I first would not assume anything about the God-like intelligence or what it was like. In particular, I would not assume it was anything like any of the God concepts developed throughout human history (there are so many). I would not assume that there was any impending judgment to be made about me or that there is a heaven or hell. Those are merely part of some imagined human concepts of God. All I would do is observe the God-like intelligence with open eyes and no pre-conceived beliefs and ask it what it is like.

    • BobtheRobot

      Of course, but these hypotheticals are with a self-identified Christian god. Let us assume he greets you with a bible in his hands, Jesus at his side, and introduces himself before you speak.

      • http://religiouscomics.net/ Jeff P

        Along the same lines as my previous answer, if two God-like intelligences (with possibly a third intelligence hovering near-by) were to present themselves, one holding a book recognized as the Christian bible, and announcing themselves as “the Father” and Jesus, I would not immediately assume that they were anything like what modern and past Christians said they were like.  I would sincerely ask what they were like and what parts Earth’s Christians got right and what parts they got wrong.

        Of course there is always the possibility that the God-like intelligence is nothing at all like the Christian notions but manifests itself in whatever meme the person happens to have based on what culture they grew up in…

        • amycas

          I see what you mean, but then again, it can’t be a very good god if it can’t send a coherent, easily understood and consistent message to the people who claim to love and worship it. I mean, if earth’s christians are incredibly wrong about the things they attribute to their god, and their god actually exists, well whose fault is that?? Obviously, this god has poor communication skills.

          • http://religiouscomics.net/ Jeff P

            Or if said Christian God exists and hasn’t communicated his presence, then perhaps He has no need for worship and all the calls to worship in scripture are merely human projection onto God.  Since Humans like to be worshiped (or thought highly of), humans just figured that God would also like to be worshiped and thought highly of.  It is just projecting human needs and emotion onto the God concept.  I think everything in scripture is like this.  The early scripture writers didn’t like homosexuality so they projected their dislike of homosexuality onto God.  Same with wearing clothing of mixed fibers, dislike of people that worship differently, wanting to avoid eating shellfish, dislike of working on the Sabbath, dislike of non-believers, the list goes on. 
             
            IMO, the lack of communication from God is either due to the fact that there is no divine personality out there to communicate or if there is a divine personality, that the divine personality does not have an emotional need to communicate and disclose details about its existence.   Therefore humans, in inventing the God concept, just came up with a version of God that is basically like themselves, just more powerful.

  • Piet Puk

    “So.. which god are you then?”

  • Kenneth Dunlap

    I would immediately file charges for genocide, kidnap, rape, murder, and a host of other charges.  The only thing I’d have to say directly to him would be “Please demonstrate the grace and concern that your fan club brags about and abide by the decisions and judgement of the court.”

  • http://twitter.com/jimminycracker Elen Baker

    After 80 yrs you could have said Hello

  • Sagrav

    If Bible-god is real, then I kind of doubt that anyone would get a chance to make an angry speech.  He isn’t really a deity that lets others steal the show.

    Newly dead atheist:  Huh?  Where am… hey!  You’re Yahweh!  Well Fu-
    Yahweh:  SILENCE MORTAL AND PREPARE FOR DAMNATION!
    *Yahweh shoots a fireball out of His mouth*

  • http://twitter.com/silo_mowbray Silo Mowbray

    I’m pretty sure the words would tumble out of my mouth:

    “What the FUCK was THAT?”

  • Edmond

    I would like to know why he allowed his planet to be littered with contradictory rival scriptures, and how he expected us to pick the right one.  I would like to know why belief in his stories is the standard he uses to separate “good” people from “bad”, rather than how they treated one another.  I would like to know why men have nipples.  I would like to know what all the empty space in the universe is for.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/TRSVMOFKYVH3TH6XJFCHKJA6AU BrianF

    B Russell:
    “Not enough evidence, god.  Not enough evidence.”  

  • Xeon2000

    It seems from the description of the thought experiment that this is all very specific to the Christian personal God… Therefore, all other considerations of godlike beings are outside the scope of this scenario. I can only assume that for the sake of this thought experiment that you are somehow granted 100% perfect, instant knowledge that you are before the Christian god. There are a lot of other assumptions left out. Are you granted anymore knowledge? For example, do you instantly know that the bible is true or is that something you’d need to find out?

    This thought experiment seems a bit sloppy…

    • amycas

      well he does acknowledge that he could be hallucinating. 

  • Ndonnan

    Interresting concept,personally,i think i would be dumb struck by Gods holiness,whatever that means,what do we compare that to here on earth exept maybe the universe.I dont know why Adam Brown thinks when you die you stand before God and have a cordial chat,and after your tirade he gets to explain why he did stuff and gets to appologise for his stuff ups.What really happens is you get a first hand look at the spiritual realm,but not the angelic floating on clouds fairytale one but the demonic side.They dont listen, dont care,laugh at your distress.You dont get to meet satan either,your not that important,hes got you and your not going anywhere. Now it starts to sink in who was behind most of the things on the earth that you blame God for not that he is responsible for it all,we all had free will remember and a lot of the suffering what God could have so should have stoped was done by us,not that any one is listening or cares at this point.MMMM what to do now???

    • Guest

      Put down the crack pipe?

    • amycas

       Wow, you’re really relishing in the thought of all those heathens burning in hell.

  • Ndonnan

    Heres a thought.Theres a guy,an athiest guy,professor as well,died in hospital and came back. If you want to know his expirience google Howardstorm.com

    • Katie

      “Storm concedes there is no medical evidence that he ever died”
      although he is a good painter.

  • smrnda

    I’m sure that for many religious people the idea is that we would all be immediately struck by the majesty of God’s holiness and would, thus, be unable to say anything.

    My problem is could someone please tell me what ‘holiness’ is, just a simple definition. I know of two basic ways of thinking of people (or maybe four) basically nice or not nice, or (the other two) interesting or tedious. I can’t figure out what being in the presence of ‘holiness’ would mean at all. I can tell when someone is nice or not (well, after getting to know them) and interesting and tedious you figure out faster than that. What does holiness mean? Why is it so impressive? It seems disconnected from any idea I’ve ever had of morality since my whole concept of morality is based on whether you treat people like disposable garbage or whether you don’t. 

    As for the idea of evil spirits working actively in this world to deceive and people falling for it, if God wants people to ‘get it’ how can he when there’s just so much supernatural interference? 
     

    • Ndonnan

      Good questions,im probebly not the one  to answer due to my limited vocabulary.[wheres a lawyer when you need one] I really dont think  humans can fully understand what Gods holyness is compared to,like we carnt comprehend not being limited to space and time,but it basically means purity,which will be palpable,you will feel it. Morality on the other hand has more to do with the choices you make, a pedophile can  be nice ,generous and kind as he abuses a child,its still not moral. As for the spiritual realm,God has put in all people,regardless of time in history,creed or gender your concience.The “great deciver” is very active,but so is the holy spirit.You can give them both authority in your life by the choices you make.Jesus said ,”treat others how you want them to treat you”.A very easy way to test if somthing is right,how would i feel if i was in their position.It would change the world if inderviduals and governments applyed this one principle.

      • Eiregem

        Don’t you have spell check?

        • http://www.shadesthatmatter.blogspot.com asmallcontempt

          Psssh. S/he just takes grammar on faith! God will make the message clear. Like, duh.

        • Ndonnan

          not that im aware of,but i do have a dictionary beside me but if the mistake is in the first 3 letters i still carnt find the darn word

          • amycas

             For starters, the word “can’t” doesn’t have an “r” in it. Also, most of the typos can be taken care of by simply reading your post before sending it.

  • hoverFrog

    Is this Valhalla?  Where’s the beer?

  • Myatheistlife

    I wouldn’t say a fucking thing. I’d do what he did, turn my back and walk away. Just like he did in the garden, just like he did for Job, just like he’s done for this last 2000 years. If that god doesn’t need my attention, I don’t need his. FUCK him.

  • Mark

    THOR!!! My main man, you were awesome in the Avengers!  What?! You’re not Thor, then who the H are you?   Yahweh?  Never heard of you.  Judeo-Christian god you say.  Also know as Allah, Jehovah, Elohim etc.  Oh, that guy.  You’re kind of an ass aren’t you?  I mean really, one minute you’re telling your people to love one and other, the next you’re telling them to murder entire civilizations except for the young girls whom they should keep as rape slaves.  And what about your kid, he’s all about feeding and clothing the poor…but wait, only if you follow him.  Sounds like he’s a politician trying to buy votes.  Isn’t he some kind of zombie or vampire now?  Which brings us to your lousy parenting.  Adam and Eve were like your children, totally innocent, but you put something dangerous for them in their reach and let some body that you knew was bad into the room with them to corrupt them.  Why didn’t you just hand them both some cocaine and throw them into a room full of pedophiles…and speaking about the Catholic Church (Ba-dum Bum).  Sorry, I know you don’t like jokes.  Anyway, I’m going to go hang out with Thor, he might be kind of moody, but at least he’s honest, and lets face it nobody is going to nail him up to a couple of bits of wood.

  • Allistair Brown

    The question is not “If God exists”, it should be, Why don’t you believe… There is a God! He lives where we can’t see, but can feel. simple proof of life… there is an opposite to everything and evil has it’s opposite and His name is YAHWEH.

    Psalms 14:1The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.