Who is Whining About Contraception Now?

Surprise!

It’s the Catholics, Lutherans, and Presbyterians in Orlando, FL!

Bishop John Noonan thinks that insurance covering contraception and sterilization is an “affront to [their] religious beliefs”:

The payment of our insurance premiums will also subsidize abortion inducing drugs even though we do not believe in this culture of death.

*Cue thunder clap* Culture of death?!  Oh my, these are big words from a group that symbolically drinks blood every Sunday.  (P.S. Plan B isn’t the abortion pill.  We shouldn’t have to keep telling you this.)

He then announced a two week period of prayer (it’s called Fortnight for Freedom, which is both alliterative and super hip) that will come to a head on July Fourth when they will have a mega-mass to… I don’t know… pray even harder about the issue?  Anyway, it’s all about protecting their freedom of conscience from us sluts who dare to take care of our bodies and choose when we do and do not want children.

I don’t know how I sleep at night from all the guilt I have.

Listen, guys. I am not pro war, but some (!) of my tax money goes to fund our various wartime activities despite the fact that no one asked me. Maybe I am anti-Viagra, but some of my insurance premiums go to provide it for gentlemen who need a hand… so to speak.  The EPA thinks manatees are worth protecting even if I friggin’ hate them. (Though, seriously, who can hate manatees?)

Sometimes we don’t all get our way.   That’s what it means to live in a society.

So when you are all through praying for Jesus to zap women in the uterus or whatever it is you are praying for, we’re all still going to be all whining like, “Heeey, I want to have control over my body!” and  “Waahhhh, I want access to medically prescribed contraception that can not only help me with family planning, but also can help relive cramps and premenstrual symptoms, regulate my period, clear my skin as well as offer protection against pelvic inflammatory disease, ectopic pregnancy, and certain types of infections and cancers.  WAHHH!”

I know.  Women are such babies.  We should just go back to the kitchen where we belong.

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • http://twitter.com/remijdio Nick Johnson

    Awesome post but i couldn’t help but notice there is no bio for Jessica so here it goes:
    Jessica is a witty epic word wrangler from the part of the world best known for producing awesome bloggers. She spends her free time practicing for high five championships and hugging the universe.
    Looking forward to seeing more posts from you!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Hemant Mehta

      The bio should be appearing… I’ll look into this!

      .

    • Jessica

      Dear Nick Johnson,
      Congratulations for being promoted to my favorite human being in the world.Do look for your certificate of achievement in the mail.Kindest Regards,Jessica

    • http://gloomcookie613.tumblr.com GloomCookie613

      You forgot “snarktastic” in your description. ;D

      Nice post, Jessica!

    • Onamission5

      This bio is le awesome, and needs no changes. ;)

  • The Other Weirdo

    They don’t have to pay any taxes, but even this little thing they’re unwilling to do? Imagine how much of the debt the US could repay if it started taxing useless drains on society like these.

    • jdm8

       What’s worse is that they GET a lot of government money, billions of dollars.  But should that money come with any strings they disagree with, then they raise a shit storm.

  • guest

    They “do not believe in this culture of death”? Really? Maybe they should be a little more worried about death penalty or wars. Things that, you know, actually kill people.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Leithiser/593361421 Chris Leithiser

      And childbirth, which ALSO actually kills some.  And medical conditions other than conception which are treated by oral contraceptives.  And the lack of adequate health coverage in general.

  • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson
  • Lauren

    I love snark.  Well done madam.

  • Michael

    What needs done is to bring down the safety requirements of the male pill to the level of safety required for the female pill, then it can be legalised. I’d take it at the current level of risk, but they can’t fudge the risks by saying that it’s less dangerous than if I got pregnant like they do with the female pill. But since a male pill is preventing sperm and eggs reaching one another they should support that. Not that they will.

  • Marguerite

    I read this and thought, “Lutherans? Really?” I’m a former Lutheran, and never found the denomination to be particularly “pro-life.” But when I followed the link, I found that Trinity Evangelical Church, which is referred to in the article, is Missouri Synod. Totally different thing from the big Lutheran church in the US (the ELCA), and far more conservative. As I recall, they don’t even permit female pastors. And I have no idea why I’m posting this, except that I still apparently feel a need to defend my prior religious beliefs to some degree. Sort of a “hey, Lutherans might be bad, but they’re not THAT bad!” kind of thing:-).

    • http://bareatheism.blogspot.com/ Deven Kale

       I do the same with Mormonism. They’re batshit crazy, but not as much as most people think. Let people think they’re nuts for the right reasons, not a bunch of made up nonsense. That’s the way I look at it.

  • Gunstargreen

    Why don’t we all get together and agree that it’s against our atheist beliefs to not have insurance companies cover birth control? They’re going to keep calling us a religion anyway. Might as well make that bite them in the ass.

    • Gus Snarp

      Wait, 
      I can’ process the double negative, are you saying we claim that our religion requires that insurance companies cover birth control? 

      This would go hand in hand with my religion that considers public prayers to be an offense against God.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_MWL7JXLKOMXSN6DGOAVLNQOMMQ Andromeda

      Maybe we should rethink this ‘not a religion’ thing.  Maybe other religions will have to take us more seriously, and then we can get tax-free money to fight for secularism, and influence legislation.  All we need is a ‘god’.  Maybe Richard Dawkins will take the job.  If not, and to be more ‘spiritual’, we can go with George Carlin.  Either way, we can prove our god exists/existed.  We might even get converts.  Church of Reason, and Logic.  It could work.   

      • The Other Weirdo

         Go with Carlin. He’s already in the afterlife, he’s got all the answers, and he doesn’t usually answer prayers. And when he does answer them, it’s NO! Perfect!

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

         Dude, Carlin. Hands down.

        Bonus: the Gospel of George is fucking HILARIOUS.

      • Baby_Raptor

        I’ll join up if you pick Carlin. 

      • http://bareatheism.blogspot.com/ Deven Kale

         We have a god, it’s name is FSM. Pastafarianism is already the unofficial religion of atheism, why not just make it official? That way we don’t have to make up too much more theology, it’s been created for us already.

  • kagekiri

    Man, this guy doesn’t know his freaking scripture.

    Numbers 5 describes forced abortion and sterilization of an adulterous women using God’s magically cursed water and a priest.

    Forced abortions and sterilizations are what your stupid Bible preaches (which isn’t inherently messed up because of the aborting or sterilizing, but that it’s forced on the woman: no adoption option, no keeping the baby, God wants to just sterilize her and abort her fetus), along with stoning adulterers and non-virgins. Who’s got a culture of death now?

  • Baby_Raptor

    They don’t care that Plan B isn’t an abortificent. They’re going to keep claiming it is because that fits their narrative better. 

    • Adviser Moppet

      It’s how they get these people to not think. They tag what they want to demonize by using words that provoke an emotion and abortion is one of those words. People don’t use reason when emotion takes over and since they associate that word with baby killing, well we know the rest.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6OE7LEYELE4MZTVXGZUSVTBFUI julie

      It’s also easier for them to assume that Plan B is an abortion pill because if it happens after sex, it’s clearly abortion! It doesn’t seem to occur to them that conception can happen days after sex and they don’t feel like learning any specifics because, yes, it definitely fits their narrative better. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Leithiser/593361421 Chris Leithiser

        In Arizona, if it happens after menses, it’s abortion.

    • The Other Weirdo

       What’s abortificent? Is that a new euphemism for something, some new meme or something? :)

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chris-Leithiser/593361421 Chris Leithiser

        It’s like magnificent, without the magnets.

        • http://bareatheism.blogspot.com/ Deven Kale

           Best comment I’ve seen in weeks. :D

      • Baby_Raptor

        …Spell check failed me. Please accept my sincerest apologies. 

    • http://twitter.com/Buffy2q Buffy

       Well you see, facts aren’t important when it comes to religious people.  It’s about what they *believe*.  And anything that violates their *beliefs* is persecuting them, so you have to go without .   Convenient how that works, isn’t it?

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/XKEAP7EXF6VEPBK23OYML742TM Bob Dennis

    The paying taxes analogy is good, but I use this one. Healthcare insurance provides bundled services the way my cable service is bundled. This gives the most for the least. Both have items I would not want or use. My bundled cable service has at least 3-4 unwatched religious channels, which are against my non-religious beliefs, but for which I help subsidize for the christians who do watch them. My healthcare covers sterilization which I will never use as it has already been done. I pay the price and pick and choose what I want to use or see. I see no problem with that as I pay a reasonable amount for all services to get only those I need.

  • HeffnerFan

    Lets face it…men want women on the pill and whatever so they will be sexually available at all times to fulfill the male urger.

    So what if there are risks!  I want to cum in some pussy!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6OE7LEYELE4MZTVXGZUSVTBFUI julie

    What?? I don’t see atheism mentioned at all in this article!! The feminist agenda is taking over again! Why should atheists ever care about anything other than not believing in gods? Here I was, looking for more reasons not to believe when I had to read up on more “women problems.” 

    • Bob

      This blog  contains posts about the stupid things people do in the name of their religion. Notice who is opposing the rights of women.

      “Why should atheists ever care about anything other than not believing in gods?”

      Do I even need to answer this?

      • http://twitter.com/Buffy2q Buffy

         I think Julie was being snarky about the recent spate of complaints lodged by people who think feminism, GLBTQ rights and such aren’t fitting topics for an atheist blog because apparently such things are, like boring or  something.   

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6OE7LEYELE4MZTVXGZUSVTBFUI julie

        Don’t worry, it was sarcasm :)
        For some reason, a few people keep responding with serious posts like this any time the oppression of women is brought up, as if treating women with respect isn’t something atheists need to bother themselves with.

  • Ejaculator

    I want pussy available at all times.

  • http://twitter.com/Buffy2q Buffy

    “The payment of our insurance premiums will also subsidize abortion inducing drugs even though we do not believe in this culture of death.”

    My taxes go to subsidize churches that preach dogma that not only violates my principles, but which often promotes restricting or eradicate my rights .  My taxes pay for war, corporate bailouts and countless other things I detest.  That’s just part of living in a civilized society.  Sometimes we have to accept things we don’t like (funding religion and war)  along with things we do (funding aid for the hungry, people with disabilities, etc). Unfortunately many religious people don’t want a civilized society.   They want to have their way and forget all the collateral damage along the way so long as they can feel all pious about themselves. 

  • Sue Blue

    I bet if they were told “Your only choice is to offer insurance that covers contraception, or pay taxes at the highest possible rate on church property, income, assets and everything else down to the last staple used on this week’s church bulletin.  You’ve got five minutes to decide.”

    Hell, make ‘em pay both ways.  Insurance AND taxes.  No more free lunch.

    • Sue Blue

      I meant to say, “I bet all their objections to contraceoption would go away”.

      • http://bareatheism.blogspot.com/ Deven Kale

        More likely they would apostatize and create a new non-profit entity which, on the surface, has little to do with any official church. Then they use it for worship services anyway. That way they can still argue against contraception and keep their tax exemptions.

        If Catholicism is anything, it’s persistent and slippery. Whether or not they’re as “good” as they believe, that’s up for debate.

  • judith sanders

    I think we should seriously push the no viagra message.  When you think about it, there’s every chance that when taxpayers subsidize Viagra, they are subsidizing adultery.   The church keeps yammering about how sex is for reproduction, well, a lot of men who take viagra have wives who are too old to conceive.  For that matter, I see no reason why couples over 45 should be allowed to marry and reap all those benefits intended to help families with children.

    • http://bareatheism.blogspot.com/ Deven Kale

       This is a very good argument. Thank you for introducing me to it, I may use it in future.

  • John Small Berries

    Notice that their “Fortnight of Freedom” will be honoring Thomas More, who burnt Catholic heretics at the stake; spied upon, imprisoned and tortured Protestants;  and hounded William Tyndale for the “crime” of publishing an English translation of the Bible.

    This is who they choose to hold up as an exemplar of religious freedom? A man who dedicated himself to stamping out heterodoxy?

  • Guest

    For what it’s worth, I and my fellow service members appreciate your tax money that “goes to fund our various wartime activities”. We, too, have families to support and lives to lead.


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