Chuck Norris and Wife: If You Don’t Vote for Mitt Romney, There Will Be ’1,000 Years of Darkness’

This marks the 193812031st craziest thing Chuck Norris has ever said.

(via Christian Nightmares — Thanks to Maurice for the link!)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Glasofruix

    Uhm, isn’t Obama the president of the US, like right now? Where are those years of darkness, huh? On the other hand i’m pretty sure that if Mittens gets elected you can change the official US date to 1800s.

    • David McNerney

      Sorry, I live in Europe under a socialist government, and I’d just like to say that you should listen to Chuck Norris.

      We have no freedom of speech over here, and were not even allowed use the Internet.  How we survive on a daily basis without the freedom to be told what to believe, I just don’t know.

      • Glasofruix

        How odd, i also live in Europe under a socialist government :D

        • Patterrssonn

          Do you have light? Here in socialst Canada we haven’t had any in decades. Spread the word,please don’t let America make the same mistake!

          • Glasofruix

            Sure we have light, that’s what the candles are for, right?

            • writzer

               Explain please to me what are these candles you say of?

              • Michael

                They’re things that sinners get made into.

            • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

              Igloos are superior for allowing natural light.

              • Glasofruix

                I have a preference for yourths, the igloos are for poor people.

              • Patterrssonn

                Please don’t mention the igloos. Because of the our government adheres to the socialist myth of global warming snow is now ideologically incorrect. Skiing and snowboarding are banned, as are parkas and Christmas. You can be sentenced to 5 yrs of watching Due South reruns just for throwing a snowball.

                All we wanted was government funded healthcare. Fools we were, fools.

          • walkamungus

            Not to mention the fact that you have no flush toilets.

            • Drew M.

               Too close to the truth.

              Germany. Toilets with poop shelves. ‘Nuff said.

          • jon

             In socialist Canada milk comes in bags instead of a carton. You can have my milk carton when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

            • Pascale Laviolette

              False!  That’s an east coast thing, like car ports and cigarettes.

          • slim

             Hehehehehe

          • http://profile.typepad.com/6p0120a5509de8970c ミッコ

             We tried to catch some light with bags

          • Mark W.

             Shut up you fool or the Canadian Communazi Islamoathiest Luminance Revocation Police will kick down your door and drag you off to farm more ice in Calgary!  I, on the other hand totally bow down before my Illustrious Glorious Supreme Leader, may he live forever!

        • slim

           Good one!

      • http://profile.typepad.com/6p0120a5509de8970c ミッコ

        Do you use IP over Pigeon Carriers ?

        • Joe_Buddha

          Just goes to show how robust the TCP/IP protocol really is!

          • http://profile.typepad.com/6p0120a5509de8970c ミッコ

             I use IP over Herring Carriers (Scandinavian version)

        • Robisodd
      • Octoberfurst

         I feel so sorry for you David and all the other Europeans  who have commented.  Obviously what you need to do to come out of your hell-hole existance is to accept the baby Jesus and install a right-wing theocracy. It’s the ONLY way my friend.  We’re halfway there now and the only thing standing in our way is the foreign-born, demon-inspired Marxist, socialist, Nazi, Islamist Kenyan Dictator in the White House and his army of America-hating, Godless Democratic supporters. But November is coming! Praise God!  

      • Coyotenose

         I salute you for managing to keep a straight face long enough to type that. I couldn’t keep one while reading it. :)

    • slim

       Yept.

  • expat2012

    Very glad I am not living on Planet Chuck Norris. I feel sorry for anyone filled with that much irrational fear.

  • newavocation

    I never quite understood what type of freedom Xians are talking about. How is worshiping a God King and doing what you are told freedom? 

    • Michael

      Freedom from being locked in a furnace and tortured for eternity.

    • http://religiouscomics.net/ Jeff P

      They are upset about the erosion of the freedom (through unquestioned privilege) to bully all those that don’t believe in the God King. They want to have the bullying of non-Christians through teacher-led Christian prayer in public school.  They want the bullying of the electorate by official politician-led prayer.  They truly want this to be a Christian nation with Christianity reinforced in all aspects of society from the top to the bottom, from government to private enterprise, from cradle to grave.

      • Joe

        Bullshit. I’m atheist but I don’t fear Christians like you kooks. I don’t give a shit what religion they are, Freedom is freedom from govt oppression. You’re either for it, against it, or too stupid to bother knowing.

        • Marco

          I guess you are in the “Too stupid to know” category then. 
          Since when is Freedom freedom from Gov. Oppression exclusively? How about freedom from religious oppression? What’s that? Chopped liver? But since that’s the freedom you are talking about, how come you, an Atheist no less, are not concerned about the separation of Church and State. That kind of  freedom was so important that they founded this nation on not having a state religion. 
          How about the freedom of not having to pry to someone else’s god? 
          Nope, only freedom from government counts. 
          That’s idiocy. Especially since the republicans “small government” comes with a corollary: the government may be small, but it will be all in the hands of corporations.

          Since Mr. Freeedom here is such a genius, do you remember what a government run by corporate interest is called? 
          Hint: Italy, 1920′s.
          Let’s see how you like that freedom.

          • Mudz

            What are you talking about? Since when in the history of forever has anyone been forced to pray to God? Even ancient Israelites didn’t have that rule, though being an atheist probably would have gotten you stoned. (I’m assuming God is more forgiving towards those who haven’t personally witnessed Him.)

            Let’s go through the list of religious oppression.

            Are you forced to be a Christian?
            Are you forced to pray?
            Are you forced to obey the bible? (The fact that secular law copies it doesn’t count.)
            Are you forced to learn theology, creationism, hermeneutics, the bible?
            Are you restricted from pursuing a career because of your non-belief?
            Are you restricted from higher learning?
            Are you restricted from citizenship if you’re not Christian?

            Are you denied rights that Christians receive?
            Are you censored from expressing anti-Christian sentiments?
            Do you face stoning, torture, or execution, if you do not affirm Christ, or support Christian teachings?

            Personally, if it wasn’t an oxymoron, I think America would have been better off if it was literally a Christian nation, but that’s not really how Christianity works. Oh well.

            The fact that you can be an atheist, shows that God has offered us all the greatest freedom possible. A choice. Personally, I’ve chosen to be Christian, and I’ve accepted His authority, and I’m trying my best to rise to His standards. That’s more than any government has offered me.

            You can be atheist to the day you die, if you want. I genuinely hope you won’t, but not even God will stop you.

            • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

              What are you talking about? Since when in the history of forever has anyone been forced to pray to God?

              In Puritan America, for one. The common story is that they came to America (the continent) for religious freedom. They actually had religious freedom in Holland, but they didn’t like all the other people with slightly different views. So they came to America to set up their own colonies where everyone could be forced to practice their own particular brand of Christianity, and anyone who didn’t was killed.

              And there are countries in the world today where you have some freedom as to which religion you follow, but being an atheist is illegal, and even punishable by death.

              And then you list a bunch of straw men. It’s great that in the US, nobody is forced to pray, or forced not to pray. Careful to separate your right to pray with your non-right when acting as an agent of the government to coerce other people to pray.

              The ‘obey the bible’ one- we actually do have a few laws which are solely biblical, but not a lot. Sunday opening laws, many alcohol laws, (although I agree people are doing some serious twisting to get that out of the bible). Even same sex marriage restrictions are, IMO biblical. I know people try to put a different spin on it, but it always seems to come back to ‘sin’.

              We are one of the most religiously free countries, no doubt about it. That doesn’t mean that persecution doesn’t exist, going both ways, or that we can do better. The fact that kids have the legal right to pray at lunch time in school doesn’t mean that some teacher out there who doesn’t understand that is going to tell them to stop. These kinds of things don’t have to be legal to exist.

  • Gordon Duffy

    I don’t get what it is Americans see in this Norris guy. 

    • http://profile.typepad.com/6p0120a5509de8970c ミッコ

      bad action movies and walker texas ranger

      • Lurker111

         I could never finish watching Lone Wolf McQuade.

        • Patterrssonn

          Maybe I’m remembering it wrong but isn’t that the movie where the bad guys kill his family, and that makes him upset, but he doesn’t get revenge until they kill dog?

          • Gus Snarp

            Yes, and then he has to use his awesome karate prowess to defeat the most difficult opponents of his career: David Carradine and a little person.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=503954172 Jeremy Mullins

      He was in some crappy but fun action movies back in the 80′s where he was the typically indestructible action hero.  The difference for his were that since he was a martial artists, they’d always find a way to work the most implausible martial arts scenes into the movies, usually involving lots of roundhouse kicks.  It was ridiculous yet amazing in a B-movie kind of way.  Fast forward to the 90′s and he suddenly reappeared in a TV show about the Texas Rangers (the state police, not the baseball team) which was the same basic format as the movies from the 80′s, which somehow seemed even cheesier then.  In the 2000′s, the Internet latched onto syndicated reruns of it and started coming up with ridiculous “facts” about Chuck Norris based on the stupid stuff from his movies and TV shows and it snowballed from there.  I still find the Chuck Norris Facts funny because I’m still able to mentally separate the bigoted actor from the cheesy roles he played.

      • Antinomian

        New Chuck Norris fact: Barak Obama looked at Chuck Norris and Chuck
        peed himself and cried like a baby…

    • Gus Snarp

      He’s really good at karate, he looks white, in spite of being Latino, and he came along at the right time culturally, when Hollywood was making action movies where there was no depth of character, no real thinking, no difficult questions, just violence solving all of our problems. You know, like Reagan’s foreign policy.

      • http://www.facebook.com/Dharmaworks David Benjamin Patton

        “there was no depth of character, no real thinking, no difficult questions, just violence solving all of our problems.”
        Were they casting for a cheesy action hero or just a republican?

    • Drew M.
  • dangeroustalk

    Here is my take on it:  http://exm.nr/O9gHpK

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/P76OAMZWKTFY6SMOLNVKH7COLU TruthSayer

    Can you even imagine what a great 1000 years it would be if the wingnutters never got into office and the real Americans, conservative, liberal and moderate, occupied all the seats of power?  

    • Sindigo

      Who knows? Maybe they could put a man on the moon.

  • Kahomono

    The man is a punchline. 

    no pun intended, but it is rather a good one, innit?

    • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/FDGYHBEWVNGUG763L5X4TON3JQ Nazani14

      I think perhaps the problem is that a few too many punches have landed on his noggin, with damage to his cognitive abilities.

      • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

        Well, one of the reasons that Chuck has a career is that he was in some Bruce Lee movies early on.  And the urban legend is that he was in these movies because he could take a shot to the balls like no one else, and that Bruce Lee’s audience liked watching white guys get kicked in the balls. 

        • Glasofruix

          Shame that Bruce Lee is not around anymore, we could use another pair of kicks into Chuck’s balls…

  • AgingGothMom

    I would type a comment, but seeing as I have a vagina, I am not allowed for fear that my “girl cooties” will contaminate you all.  I need a man to make my decisions for me. And that man…..is Chuck Norris. 

    • The Other Weirdo

       Type it anyway. Screw him.

    • Joe

      You’re an idiot.

      • AgingGothMom

        Stay classy, Joe!

  • NewEnglandBob

    Why does anyone care what this D list actor says?

    • Alex

      Wait, he’s an actor?

  • dantresomi

    LOL friggin’ Chuck Norris… privilege ladies and gentlemen…

  • Barb Schaarschmidt

    Here’s the thing…the whole “Evangelical Christian” take is a little distasteful to me. But what he is advocating here is to be sure you are registered, and make sure you vote. While I think he’s a bit of a wingnut, you can’t exactly claim that the the call to action is anything other than reasonable.

    • Gus Snarp

      So he’s calling people to take reasonable action base on wild false accusations and bat shit fantasies completely out of touch with reality, so that means we can’t make fun of him and his lousy arguments?

      Voting is generally the right thing to do. I might think that voting for Romney is the wrong thing to do, but lets just say it’s the right thing to do too, for the sake of argument. Politically speaking, you may want people to vote for you for any reason at all, but as skeptics, while we may want people to do the right thing, we just got lucky that they did the right thing if they did it for the wrong reason. Long term we want people to think critically, weigh evidence, and base their decisions on sound reasoning and factually correct information. If they’re doing that, we have a lot better chance long term that they’ll do the right thing more often, and we’ll get better results than if they continue to operate on superstition and lies. 

      So we criticize things like this not because he’s calling for people to register and vote, but because we don’t want people using this kind of false reasoning to  reach important decisions in their lives.

      Oh, and because it’s Chuck Norris. And it’s funny. And he has a track record of saying bat shit things about politics to the point of becoming self satire.

      • Barb Schaarschmidt

        I get what you are saying. And it’s not wrong to make fun of funny things. It just sometimes feels like, as skeptics, we have a kneejerk reaction to everything. Yes, he’s a nutjob. I don’t dispute it. But when the message is, if you think like me, please vote – well that sounds like something we would say too. I truly believe that everyone should have a right to their beliefs, and a right to work within the system. Criticism would be better spent on people who are actually trying to infringe upon the rights of others.

        Now I sound like an uptight old lady…but for what it’s worth free speech goes both ways. 

        • Gus Snarp

          I’m sorry, I have a knee jerk reaction whenever anyone invokes free speech in response to criticism. Has anyone asked to have this video taken down? Has any government taken action against it? No one has threatened Chuck Norris’ right to free speech. Criticism is not a violation of anyone’s free speech rights. Yes, free speech goes both ways. Which means Chuck Norris has every right to make this video and distribute it and we have every right to criticize it. There’s no free speech issue here at all as none of those rights have been restricted in any way, so why are we talking about free speech?

    • Sharon Hypatia

       Well, there has been a real push in the last few years to get fundies out to register and vote.  Repub seats were lost by only a few hundred votes and they are trying to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
      Newty, Barton and Dobson have been running “Champion the Vote” events in churches, etc to promote voter registration and “Bring America back to God!”
      I suspect Norris is getting on the bandwagon – either officially or as a public minded fundie. Celebrities carry a lot of weight at getting messages like these out.
      A generic encouragement to get out and vote is reasonable, but do you really think that his message is meant as a public service appeal to all citizens? He just wants to scare Evangelical Christians into running out and voting for a Repub, any Repub, to keep  the godless liberals out.

      • Barb Schaarschmidt

        No, I don’t think it’s a public service appeal. But I also don’t think it’s any different from us appealing to skeptics or atheists to register and vote. His message is bizarre and wrong, but I would imagine that when they hear us say to skeptics and or/atheists that it is important to get out and vote or else we will be dragged back into the dark ages or we will become an evil theocracy (both of which I think are fairly reasonable statements, if perhaps a bit alarmist) they probably think that message is bizarre and wrong as well. He is appealing to a certain base of voters and saying “vote”. We appeal to a certain base of voters and say “vote”. I don’t think he’s right, I just don’t think this is a damaging message – there are so many fights we can pick. This doesn’t seem to be the one to me.
         

  • A3Kr0n

    Silly Chuck, doesn’t he know the Rapture will occur way before then?

  • OverlappingMagisteria

    I’m no evangelical so I may be misinterpreting this, but isn’t 1,000 years of darkness a reference to the millennial age? This is when the rapture happens and Jesus returns to duke it out with the anti-christ. I thought that was something to look forward to.

    • The Other Weirdo

       Only if you’re crazy. Humanity couldn’t survive such a thing, which makes you wonder why they insist on duking it out on our front doorstep when they’s a whole universe out there for them to hold their grudge match.

      Assuming any of it is real, which it isn’t.

  • LesterBallard

    “Darkness”, eh?

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    I guess I ought to be running to the store to buy some light bulbs.   Good American Light Bulbs made with tungsten, not those low energy “compact fluorescent lamps” used by Godless and communists alike!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ORRVVC5R2QWLTXEM6SX5L6BORE Jay Arrrr

    Dog whistle:  “The Reign of the WHITE MAN is in jeopardy!”.
    Another racist piece of shit, hoisted by his own petard. Fuck Chuck.

    • Gus Snarp

      Also, “Like minded brothers and sisters”. That line’s not a little creepy…

    • Raising_Rlyeh

      At what minute mark was that said? Must not have paying that close of attention. 

  • Octoberfurst

     Old Chuck jumped on the crazy train long ago and is now in Loonyville.  Now everytime he opens his mouth I expect to hear something idiotic and he never disappoints me. “One thousand years of darkness if Obama wins.” Uh-huh. Right Chuck. Get back on your meds or they will put you in a straight jacket again.

  • onamission5

    It’s been a loooong time since I won any bible trivia contests, but aren’t the 1,000 years of darkness supposed to follow 7 years of world peace and prosperity?

    We haven’t had even one, as far as I know, in the whole course of human history.

  • Xeon2000

    Why is he a Christian anyway? Can’t he kick God’s ass or something?

    • Coyotenose

       Chuck Norris isn’t a Christian; Jesus Christ is a Norrisian?

  • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

    Chuck Norris always reminds me what  great loss Bruce Lee was
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5EUweFKtjg 

  • slim

    TO all of you Europeans saying we should listen to old Chuck about his accusations, Chuck Norris is a 72-year-old has been actor who doesn’t know what the heck he’s talking about. Clint Eastwood makes him look appealing.  If he means America’s days of darkness means that 1. People with preexisting conditions can’t get turned away from healthy care 2. The cap on how much insurance companies pay on your policy that you’ve had for over 20 years must be dissolved 3. If you want to serve in the US service, it doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight 4. You can’t discriminate against women in the workplace when it comes to equal pay or you will be sued 5. The Matthew Shepherd hate bill against gays and lesbians (making gay bashing a crime)  There are more, but I feel that’s enough for now, don’t you think, Chuckie?  So making life easier and more prosperous for millions are the dark days you’re talking about old man? Then why didn’t those 1000 days start 3 1/2 years ago? You have lost all credibility so take your old @$$ and your 12-year old wife and sip some soup. No one is stupid enough to believe a has been actor who’s only looking out for his best interest.

    • Gus Snarp

      I believe the Europeans you’re referring to are joking, Slim. They don’t really think anyone should listen to Chuck Norris about politics. The big clue is when the first one says (on the Internet, mind you) that they’re not allowed to use the internet.

      christ, he’s 72?

  • advancedatheist

    Apparently Norris has Obama confused with Sauron.

  • http://www.everydayintheparkwithgeorge.com/ Matt E

    Are those clan robes hanging on the hooks behind her?

  • Coyotenose

    Norris wrote in his column a few years that if Jesus was born nowadays, “Obama would have him aborted.” This was his serious Christmas column.

    When asked about “Chuck Norris Facts”, he said they were funny, but not completely accurate. The example he then gave was the one about Chuck killing all the dinosaurs millions of years ago with a time-punch. He said it was wrong because the Earth is “only six thousand years old.”

    That’s when Chuck Norris jokes stopped being funny to me. That stupid fuck had to go and ruin them.

    Well, except for this one. I still love this one:

    “Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.”

    I’m also fond of the one I wrote, stupid as it is, because it’s mine:

    “Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have an ‘Enter’ button.

    His says ‘Execute’.”

    • Patterrssonn

      I’m no doctor but I doubt even Obama could have someone aborted after they were born.

      • Mudz

        You’re partially right.

  • Sam

    Who was the last politicain to talk of a 1000 year reign?

  • nakedanthropologist

    Dammit, Chuck!  I enjoyed those puns, but now I must desist because you’re a shitbag (correction: an even bigger shitbag).  Sigh.  Time to grab that poster in the basement and have a marshmallow roast.  Why do fundies always have to ruin everybody else’s fun?

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    So, why is it always a thousand years of darkness? You never hear of 972 years of darkness or even just 4. 

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      I dunno, it seems like a nice, round number…

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Just like what we had during the appropriately-named Dark Ages, yeah?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cliff-Smith/670725148 Cliff Smith

    Hmmmmm, it is only me or am I just imagining that YouTube clips that propagate:
    - Creation “Science”,
    - fundamental Christianity,
    - Conservative politics,
    - denial of global warming
    consistently have the rating function deactivated so that viewers are
    prevented from indicating a LIKE or DISLIKE? That’s the YouTube
    equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing “LA, LA,
    LA, LA” at the top of your voice guys.
    Can anyone say, “Luddites!” ?

     

  • kaydenpat

    So Mitt Romney is our savior now?  Since I only have 40-50 years left, I’ll take my chances on the other guy.

  • Majorpayne

    fuck mitt romney, fucking fagget just wants to raise everythiing

  • Majorpayne

    You guys better not vote for mitt romenys punk A**

  • http://www.facebook.com/john.conolley John Conolley

    Seriously, Chuck Norris, it’s time to stop dying your beard. No one believes you’re 25.


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