Victoria Jackson Is A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Human Being

Dear Seven-year-old Me,

Don’t get older.  Because the people you thought were cool also get older and, invariably, crazier.

Walker, Texas Ranger hates gay people.

Mike Seaver hates science (and also gay people).

And Victoria Jackson is not only certifiably insane but the worst kind of vicious.  You will never ride in a car with her and Toonces the Driving Cat with Phil Hartman narrating (Phil Hartman is a whole other heartbreak).  NEVER!


Adult Me

Ugh, Victoria Jackson.  The hours and hours I spent after junior high watching SNL reruns from the 80s and 90s are now tainted. What I had naïvely mistook for quirkiness was just thinly-veiled legitimate lunacy.

I first became aware of Jackson’s utter insanity when she appeared on Showbiz Tonight bashing Glee for “shoving the gay thing down our throats.” (It was for featuring two gay characters smooching.  Each other. I know. The nerve.)

That was disappointing and aggravating.  And weird.  And immature.  And weird. (Did I mention weird?)

But what she said at last week’s Republican National Convention somehow puts everything else to shame. She was being interviewed by Mike Signorile for his SiriusXM OutQ program when she said the following:

“The Todd Akin thing was so blown out of proportion — it’s a joke… How many times do people get pregnant from rape? It’s point zero zero one percent. It’s a joke. I read lots of articles. I know people, because I’m 53. I’ve know a lot of people, and I’ve actually never known anyone who got pregnant from being raped.”

“And guess what?… If I got raped, I would have the baby. And if I didn’t want to keep it because I had these [mocking tone] horrible nightmares, I would adopt it out. But I think that God can turn a bad thing into a good thing. And that, if I got raped and a beautiful baby who was innocent was born out of it, that would be a blessing. The DNA of a baby is individual. It’s not the mother’s DNA. It’s not the father’s DNA. And that’s why I believe abortion is murder, because it’s not the woman’s body. It has it’s own DNA. If there’s a boy baby inside of me, he has a penis. That’s not my body.”

Let’s start with the first paragraph.  

We keep hearing those faulty numbers like “0.001% of women get pregnant from being raped” even though there is no way to possibly get an actual accurate statistic due to the fact that fewer than half of rapes actually get reported (and that’s a generous estimate) so we have no clue exactly how many women become pregnant after being raped. The agreed upon figure in the medical community is 5%.  If a woman is raped, there is a 5% chance that she will become pregnant.

And, Victoria, I think we can we all agree that no one gives a crap whether you’ve ever met anyone who has gotten pregnant after being raped?  Like, not even the tiniest little shred of a crap.  I don’t care how many people you’ve met in your 53 years.

I think the most rage-inducing part for me was the “horrible nightmares” part. How dare you downplay someone else’s trauma?  Are you utterly heartless? Have you ever met another human being?  Honestly, do you literally have no sense of empathy?

If you get raped and end up pregnant and decide to keep the baby because “God has a plan!” then fine.  I couldn’t care less.  Justify it any way you see fit, but do what you want to do.  Personally, I am really sick of crazy anti-science people using science to justify their crazy stances, but whatever.

Stop mocking and trivializing other peoples experiences.  Stop doing it.  Just stop.

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.