Bad Sex Lecturer, Worse Stand-up Comic

Sometimes, when you watch a video or read a blog by some religious idiot, you get mad.  Sometimes you get deeply depressed.  Sometimes you just giggle.

This video below… it left me confused and, I guess, vaguely bothered.  Just sort of a general bewildered puzzlement is how I would best describe it.

Just watch Pastor Heath Mooneyham deliver his sermon/stand-up routine:

YouTube Preview Image

This is my favorite part: Apparently his church group uses a very specific euphemism to explain naughty bits:

We got this symbol of carrots and doughnuts. I don’t know, that’s just a divine intervention from God about 19 months ago when I was talking about sex.  I just thought “Carrots and doughnuts, you know…”  Here’s one thing, we decided to adopt “Carrot and Doughnuts” for our sex symbols around here.  May it be a visual reminder to all of us. You know, people say, “Where do you stand on homosexuality” and I say “Here’s my stance on it. God never created us men to sword fight and didn’t create women for pastry parties, either.”

See what I mean?  It’s not enough to get me Anger-Typing (that’s when I take out my frustration on my keyboard and type really hard).  It’s more… just off-putting.

Maybe it’s his horrible delivery?  I sincerely couldn’t tell if some of the things were supposed to be funny.  They sounded funny to me, but his jokes always ended with a *pause for laughter* moment, so maybe he wasn’t kidding about Carrots and Doughnuts being a divine inspiration from God.

Maybe it’s the sheer nonsense of his analogy.  Really, a carrot stuck through a doughnut sounds more appealing than two doughnuts together? A “pastry party” sounds absolutely delightful!  It conjures up images of characters in a Jane Austen novel sipping tea and delicately nibbling on cakes.  Also… does he think gay men have sex by “sword-fighting” with their “carrots”?

Just taking a step back and trying to see things from his point of view, why would he pick two things that don’t go together at all? Doughnuts and carrots are clearly better enjoyed separately.

Riffing of the top of my head, he could have gone with “Oreos and Milk.”  Dip one in the other and it’s delicious.  Wings and bleu cheese.  Literally any food and ranch dressing.

Although, maybe this church is onto something here.  I spent so much time mocking their terrible metaphor and horrendous stand-up comic/lecturer guy that I barely had time to touch on their bigoted message.  Maybe that was the point all along…

(Via Jezebel)

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • JasmynMoon

    I want to attend a pastry party.

  • sx

     I’m a fervent fan of sword fights.

  • Jon Tveite

    I don’t know whether homophobes are anti-gay because they are obsessed with the mechanics of how gay and lesbian folks express themselves sexually, or if they are obsessed with gay and lesbian sex because they are homophobes.  It’s probably a chicken/egg thing.  But wow, are they ever obsessed.  They could talk about it all day. 

  • Baal

    Sometimes I like two carrots and other times I like a whole box full of doughnuts.   My favorite doughnuts are glazed…wait, we’re not talking food?

  • Michael

    While trying to come up with a better euphemism I realised that carrots dipped in chocolate sauce actually sounds awesome.

    No euphemism. But you’d have to get the chocolate sauce just right. The cheap sickly stuff would be horrible.

  • Edmond

    That got ME riled up enough to angry-type.

    “You teenagers… you’re not sure which way is up right now.  Dudes, don’t sword fight, alright?  Just remember that, you’ll be fine!”

    THIS is what he thinks is “good advice” to give to teenagers struggling with same-sex desires?

    I can assure him (and ANY OTHER religious fools) that when I was a teenager, I was QUITE sure which way was “up”.  I knew which gender was which, and which one I was attracted to.  I didn’t simply SLIP into homosexuality, by accidentally FORGETTING not to “sword fight”.  It was an inevitable path that I KNEW was unavoidable, despite all the hardships and dangers that I KNEW would be waiting for me.

    Fucking ASSHOLE, thinking that young teenagers simply STUMBLE into homosexuality, as if it were some tempting experiment that they decided to try on a whim.  This is how some people ARE, dipshit, and the LAST people who need their struggles trivialized as jokes are vulnerable youths facing a difficult future.  They need to be surrounded by ADULTS who know how to exhibit informative compassion.  Not brain-dead bigots whose knowledge of human sexuality began with “$50 and a condom”.


  • asonge

    If it were wings and ranch dressing, he couldn’t be gender-essentialist by focusing on just the equipment instead of actually having to do any thinking.

  • Guest

    The most absurd part of this being that gay men, like all people, DO have “donuts”.

  • Conspirator

    When the guy starts he seems to be addressing how leery churches and church types are about talking about sex.   Then when it comes time for him to actually discuss those things all the sudden he gets leery of using any proper language and brings up this awful food analogy.  

    Really, carrots and donuts?  Ick.  Carrots and donuts are nearly as opposite as food can be and don’t belong anywhere near one another.  Carrots are yummy in cake, but even that is different than donuts.  Carrots can be served on their own  and be raw, cooked, or in a salad or soup, or as a side.  Donuts really only go with other donuts and whatever your beverage of choice is.  

  • Matto the Hun

    hey… don’t disparage the guy with his carrot sword fight analogy. I actually got my penis into another guy’s penis once… while “sword” fighting. That shit happens!

    Seriously though, it’s funny he doesn’t consider that the “donut” could be an asshole.

    So when you get a box of donuts is that some kind of lesbian fuck fest?… errrm, hmmm… I gotta leave… and get a box of donuts now…

  • Patrick Tinkham

    …or with more donuts.

  • Anna

    Also… does he think gay men have sex by “sword-fighting” with their “carrots”?

    Actually, some do. Anal sex is far from universal, and I think “sword fighting” is a rather apt description of frot. However, you certainly wouldn’t expect religious conservatives to be aware of that. They’re typically extremely obsessed with the idea of men having intercourse. In fact, you almost never see them shut up about it.

  • Andrew Hall

    His best moment was 29 secs in when he said “Daddy?” I laughed at that. Of course, that was before all the gay hatin’ started.

  • MurOllavan

    Not to mention reducing relationships to the interplay of genitalia is demeaning.

  • Conspirator

    Next time I hear someone ask about why straight guys like lesbian porn I’m going to point out more donuts are always better than one.  

  • A3Kr0n

    You sometimes anger type too? Whew! I thought it was just me.

  • John Sherman

    God may not have created Man to sword fight, but he did plenty of it in His name throughout history. God may not have created Woman for pastry parties, but I sure don’t recall Him forbidding it. Why would He? Pastry parties are fun.

    Carrots and doughnuts? Clearly something not through through.

  • Michael

    This is really the problem. He says that gay sex is wrong because it’s like fencing, and that lesbian sex is wrong because it’s like confectionary, and God couldn’t possibly approve of these perfectly normal things that ordinary people do all the time.

    Are we sure he’s not a poe? Because he seems to be very strongly claiming that gay and lesbian sex are like perfectly normal things.

  • Michael Brice

    Where does carrot cake fit in the grand scheme of things?

  • Lee Miller

    You know, preachers/pastors/ministers etc. just can’t talk like normal people.  This guy is a total doofus.  How is it that people tolerate him standing up and talking to them like that?  Don’t people have something better to do with their time?  Listen to any radio or TV “preacher” . . . it’s awful awful awful.  No sane adult would subject him/herself to this kind of drivel if it weren’t couched in the church context.  AWFUL.  MAKE HIM GO AWAY!

  • Tainda

    Box…donuts…I see what you did there

  • Tainda

    Why do people like that think they’re funny?  He also whispered “touching himself” when he was talking about going blind.  I dare you to say masturbate.

  • SphericalBunny

    Coincidentally, a (gay) friend is hosting a fondue night tomorrow; we have raw veggies with the cheese version, and fruit with the chocolate. Raw carrot with chocolate fondue is actually pretty damn tasty. I shall now have to procure some doughnuts for further experimentation.

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    A pastry party sounds absolutely delectable. Too bad I’m on a diet. 

  • Don Gwinn

    Look, we can sit here and gripe all night or we can get to work on a better euphemism than “carrots and donuts.”

    I nominate mozzarella sticks and onion rings.  Both delicious in various dipping sauces. Both REALLY bad for you, but I feel sure he can work with that.

    Or, to be clearer, we can stick with the doughnuts, but think it through a bit more.  What if there were glazed doughnuts, but also those little chocolate doughnuts (the ones you get in a white paper bag with a window in it?  The ones where the hole is very small and wrinkled and . . . well, you get it, right?  Wink wink, nudge nudge, eh?  Say no more!)
    And Long Johns.  And creme-filled Long Johns.  And . . . . 

  • Drew M.

    That was incredibly painful to listen to.

  • Stev84

     “into”? ouch :o

  • Shawncornally

    I’m glad you’re an ad writer and not an actual journalist, but this is the Internet, so why bother being negative… Great article! Super helpful way to demean a whole group of people with one out of context example! In fact, while I’m being positive, maybe you could work for Romney or Obama’s tautologically ridiculous ad campaigns, too!

  • Jessica

    Ohhh the mozzarella/onion rings one is great!  I couldn’t for the life of  me come up with one that wasn’t a food being dipped in some sort of condiment. 
    Well done, sir.

  • Deven Kale

    The first thing that came to my mind is that sword-fighting is generally considered a masculine endeavor, and making pastries (and therefore pastry parties) is usually reserved for women. Which just makes his analogy more nonsensical than most. lol

  • Kevin Sagui

    No, they have bagels.  Only the ladies have both donuts and bagels.

  • Richard Wigton

     That was actually painful to watch. I have never seen a “comedy” routine as boring and asinine as that was.  Did someone tell him, as a joke, that he should go into comedy and he took it seriously?
      And what is it with Christians not being able to say words like masturbate, penis, vagina, etc?  No, they have to use words like “carrots” and “donuts.’ Is his audience made up of 5 yr olds?  Heaven forbid anyone be “offended” by proper wording.  >sigh<  

  • Daniel

    My “learn something every day” moment today?  Wikipedia’s entry on “Frot”.  

  • Coyotenose

    Congratulations. You just complained that pointing out bigotry is demeaning. You’re actually arguing that when cops arrest criminals, they’re committing kidnapping. Pathetic wannabe martyrs, I swear…

  • julie

    But the homosexuals are sexually disturbed! Their relationships are completely based on their perversion, so of course it’s all about sex!

  • Pisk_A_Dausen

    Right now I don’t know if I’m hungry or if I never want to eat again…

  • JohnnieCanuck

    Being a real martyr is kind of, well, let’s just say very unpleasant.

    Given that Christians are called upon in the Bible to be martyrs and many people have been declared to be Saints for their martyrdom, there’s a conflict there. Martyred hero vs. safe and comfortable. Besides, where’s a good Christian going to find someone with a real cross or burning stake to use on him these days.

    Far better just to complain that your right to be a bigot is being infringed upon.

  • Bradley Betts

    Well, I guess that makes me a pastry man :) That said, I don’t understand why some pastry men feel the need to hate on those who enjoy their vegetables…

  • littlejohn

    Yum. Donuts.

  • Antinomian

     What happens when you let a carrot and a doughnut  miscegenate?

    Either a carrot cake or bad comedy.

  • m6wg4bxw

    Don’t know about anyone else, but I couldn’t ignore the white-on-red message in the background: “sex kids”

  • Anna

    You should read their entry on “penis fencing!” ;o)

  • Neil

    It might explain the muted quality of the laughter from the audience. Listening to a sermon about sexual morality delivered in front of the words “Sex Kids” would give you pause.