Bad Sex Lecturer, Worse Stand-up Comic

Sometimes, when you watch a video or read a blog by some religious idiot, you get mad.  Sometimes you get deeply depressed.  Sometimes you just giggle.

This video below… it left me confused and, I guess, vaguely bothered.  Just sort of a general bewildered puzzlement is how I would best describe it.

Just watch Pastor Heath Mooneyham deliver his sermon/stand-up routine:

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This is my favorite part: Apparently his church group uses a very specific euphemism to explain naughty bits:

We got this symbol of carrots and doughnuts. I don’t know, that’s just a divine intervention from God about 19 months ago when I was talking about sex.  I just thought “Carrots and doughnuts, you know…”  Here’s one thing, we decided to adopt “Carrot and Doughnuts” for our sex symbols around here.  May it be a visual reminder to all of us. You know, people say, “Where do you stand on homosexuality” and I say “Here’s my stance on it. God never created us men to sword fight and didn’t create women for pastry parties, either.”

See what I mean?  It’s not enough to get me Anger-Typing (that’s when I take out my frustration on my keyboard and type really hard).  It’s more… just off-putting.

Maybe it’s his horrible delivery?  I sincerely couldn’t tell if some of the things were supposed to be funny.  They sounded funny to me, but his jokes always ended with a *pause for laughter* moment, so maybe he wasn’t kidding about Carrots and Doughnuts being a divine inspiration from God.

Maybe it’s the sheer nonsense of his analogy.  Really, a carrot stuck through a doughnut sounds more appealing than two doughnuts together? A “pastry party” sounds absolutely delightful!  It conjures up images of characters in a Jane Austen novel sipping tea and delicately nibbling on cakes.  Also… does he think gay men have sex by “sword-fighting” with their “carrots”?

Just taking a step back and trying to see things from his point of view, why would he pick two things that don’t go together at all? Doughnuts and carrots are clearly better enjoyed separately.

Riffing of the top of my head, he could have gone with “Oreos and Milk.”  Dip one in the other and it’s delicious.  Wings and bleu cheese.  Literally any food and ranch dressing.

Although, maybe this church is onto something here.  I spent so much time mocking their terrible metaphor and horrendous stand-up comic/lecturer guy that I barely had time to touch on their bigoted message.  Maybe that was the point all along…

(Via Jezebel)

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.