A Movie About Noah’s Ark Has Been Delayed for the Best Reason Ever

Noah is the newest movie from director Darren Aronofsky. It’s slated for release in 2014 and looks to be a remake of 2007′s Evan Almighty. [Note: After some further painstaking research, I discovered that it is evidently based on some little-known story in the Bible known colloquially as "Noah's Ark." Amazing!] It also stars some big name celebrities like Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, and Emma Watson.

Russell Crowe as Noah

Unfortunately, filming has been delayed, and you’ll never guess why.

Or maybe you’ll guess it on your first try.


Yup.  Hurricane Sandy, what one might describe as a “storm of biblical proportions,” has halted the production by flooding the filming location:

To make it as realistic as possible, the director built a massive ark, which measures 450 feet long, 75 feet tall and 45 feet wide. Unfortunately, it was never meant to be sailed. With production wrapping up within the next few weeks, the ark was forced to deal with flooding as Hurricane Sandy passed through Oyster Bay.

Hmm… so what will all of the geniuses who are blaming Sandy on the liberal, homosexual, Democratic agenda say now?

Maybe G-O-D didn’t approve of the script?  Or maybe he’s not crazy about Crowe’s performance thus far.  Oh, I know!  He just can’t stand to see Emma Watson play anything besides Hermione.  He’s such a Potter nerd, after all.

Regardless, nothing like a dose of heavy-handed irony to get you though your day!

(Thanks to Raul for the link!)

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brian.westley Brian Westley

    God hates reruns.

  • Matto the Hun

    “To make it as realistic as possible”

    Odd thing to say about something that cannot possibly be realistic.

  • beatlefreak9

    Wait until God finds out that Emma Watson was in the Perks of Being a Wallflower.

  • Uscscreenwriter

    Not really. As realistic as possible does not mean it’s completely realistic. It means it’s a close to being realistic as it can possibly be. 

  • Pawel Samson

    I’ve been following this movie for the past few months, and from what I’ve read it’s not a literal retelling of  “Noah’s Ark,” but more of a sci-fi/fantasy spin on the tale.  It’s also an adaptation of a graphic novel.  There was some concept art released a while back of some alien-looking angel creatures that actually looked kind of badass.

    So anyway, I think in this case the morons who are blaming the hurricane on the liberal agenda have another thing to point to, as the movie is definitely not a literal adaptation of the bible’s story, which I bet makes it sinful or something.

  • http://cranialhyperossification.blogspot.com GDad

     Somebody should give Alanis Morissette a jingle to make sure she sees this.

  • http://noadi.etsy.com/ Sheryl Westleigh

     I was about to say the same thing. Realistic means something entirely different when you are talking about a fantasy movie (or fantasy art of any kind). The sets in LotR for example are very realistic while belonging to a complete fantasy world.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/FXPIG6FKD37NZHPGNIASLJRLWM Alexander

    My friend had the best response to this: “Well obviously as a merciful God he has to enact revenge on innocent Americans (Christian logic of course), some of which might even be anti-gay. So I think this proves he’s at least a fair God, but not merciful. Or at least he would be if he existed.”

  • Octoberfurst

    That’s interesting news. I was of the opinion that this was just a retelling of the Ark story. I had this vision of Christians getting all excited over this the way they got excited over Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ.”  If what you say is true & it turns out to be a sci-fi fantasy they are going to be royally pissed off.  (A fact that pleases me to no end.)

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke, Blonde

    yeah, i was just coming here to say that.

    you folks have seen DA’s other films? they’re far from having any sort of fundie/conservative point. indeed, if anything, his other deeply religiously themed movies have been intellectual, critical of orthodoxy, imaginative, feminist… i’m a huge fan of his. i don’t generally follow movie news or keep up on what is going on in pre-production etc. but when this comes to Netflix, dog betcha i’ll rent it. i wept and wept at “the fountain” which had a lot of religious themes in it, but was still an awesome movie. 

    movies are the right place for Woo. real life, not at all. but isn’t that what at least sometimes, we go to the movies for to see? srsly, if you think they guy who made “Pi” (very much about jewish culture) or “The Fountain” (a not at all veiled attack on fundamentalist xtianity and the inquisition) or even “Requiem for a Dream” (a strong critique of the failures of ‘traditional’ family values) is going to make a remake of “evan almighty” you’re just kidding yourself. 

  • A_A

    I’m hoping they put the scene with Noah drunk in his tent when his son comes in, but replaces him with Emma Watson, ala’ “drunken Lot and his daughters.”  That would make the movie much more interesting.

  • http://twitter.com/Freemage69 Freemage

    And now I’ve got the mental image of God calling over a long-suffering St. Peter to read (and praise) his latest Ron/Snape slash-fic….

  • Brian Pansky

    not a literal re-telling of a powerful extra-terrestrial entity inducing a planet-wide genocide?

    more of a sci-fi/fantasy spin on the tale?

  • http://twitter.com/rabidsi Simon Cooper

    I, too, bristled to see the comparison of an Aronofsky flick to something like Evan Almighty. I dare say someone isn’t too familiar with his work and that mention of “further, painstaking research” comes across as an even bigger irony than the one the article was about in the first place.

    Can we not do better than this? Some of FA’s guest posts are really starting to come across as nothing more than questionably tenuous fluff that might as well have been pulled off your content aggregating site of choice.

  • http://twitter.com/rabidsi Simon Cooper

    FYI, this is the guy behind Pi, Requiem for a Dream, The Fountain, The Wrestler and Black Swan. He is no lightweight. Even if it does turn out to be just a straight retelling of a metaphorical bible tale (on the surface), you can expect it to be a multi-layered and critical examination of the themes contained within.

  • Teh Lady

    Yeah, we should totally do our reserch about some movie director guys so we don’t end up comparing some hack to an actual film maker GENIUS!11! artisté.

    I hope that the makers of Noah will take full advantage of this flooding business when marketing the film.

    Noah: Movie so good that God tried to prevent its making.

  • guest

    I’ve never, ever seen anybody miss the point by so much.

  • Sailor

    Well it certainly would have floated, it was made of Styrofoam planks


    “Noah” is being directed by an atheist. Poor Darren Aronofsky. He’s the best.

  • http://www.bricewgilbert.blogspot.com Brice Gilbert

    I think people are going to see it and think sci-fi/fantasy, but some of the reports i’ve seen suggest that it’s quiet a literal telling in that the creatures seen in the film are nephilim. Giant “men” mentioned in the bible. The average Christian might think it’s silly, but they tend to forget the weird stuff in the bible.

  • Robster

    Wow a movie about Noah and the ark thingy. Will it run 40 days and 40 nights? Jees, that’d be as long as Ben hur. How does one make a story about a big wooden boat packed to the rafters with all the animals? Just feeding them would be a story, not to mention processing all the fun filled but blessed excrement. Can’t wait.

  • Neil

    A biblical epic without Charleton Heston and in his place Russell Crowe? No wonder God’s wrath was came down. He may not know much about film but he knows what he likes.

  • http://twitter.com/rabidsi Simon Cooper

    There was no point. The article could have been reduced to the tagline “Filming on movie based on Noah’s Ark stopped due to flooding. Haha.” What followed after the cut was a whole bunch of speculation on stuff that never happened.
    “Oh hey, guys, can you imagine some bible-thumping hicks blaming this on people they hate? Haha. Stupid people. Let’s laugh.”

    It just comes off as condescending.

  • Guest

    OK.  Let me help you with this.  What the author of this article was saying was as follows, and I’ll site her source as well,
    That’s a link to an article siting Sandy on the “homosexual agenda”.  The author then makes a comparison from Sandy being God’s will (according to some), to halting production on a movie about Noah’s Ark being stopped for a similar, albeit less severe, act of nature.  Then author then says that if Sandy, and indeed everything, is God’s will, then certainly the rain halting production on the movie must also fall under the realm of God’s will.  Therefor the author says that God must be upset about the movie, which is clearly, according to the title, a story based on something that God Himself condoned.  All of that is considered situational irony, and while none of it is going to change the world, it is amusing.

  • pascalecake

    Yeah, considering it’s Darren Aronofsky – I’m not expecting this to be religiously inspired AT ALL.  He’s a phenomenal director, can’t wait to see the film.

  • JoFro

    Had Jessica Bluemke read what conservatives and evangelicals are saying about Aronofsky’s Noah, this article on Hemant’s page would not be asking silly questions! The Noah movie has pretty much nothing to do with the Biblical Noah. Aronofsky’s Noah is an environmentalist who wants to save Planet Earth. God is a tyrant who wishes to kill everybody, yes, even the people on the Ark. Here is link to educate yourself http://godawa.com/movieblog/?p=625…….as as for the irony, Evangelicals are rejoicing this God-awful piece of crap is under water http://www.theblaze.com/stories/irony-noahs-ark-film-set-shut-down-due-to-flooding-from-hurricane-sandy/

  • TDalrymple

    I visited the set.  It will be nothing like Evan Almighty.  Have you seen any of Aronofsky’s other films?  

    I think the question of whether it’s “literal” (in comments below) is a bit beside the point.  The biblical narrative is very brief, and there are all sorts of areas for creativity.  The film will be faithful to the story as handed down, but it will flesh out all the gaps in the way that Jewish midrash does.  I don’t get the sense that they’re approaching this as a historical record, but as an extraordinary and powerful story that was passed down into many cultures.  If it’s an interesting story, it’s an interesting story.

  • Kyle

    Dude, you’re not very friendly. You’re kinda mean, actually.

  • Chigunduru

    what a sorry website. too much hate going around. may God help each one of you so-called atheists.

  • http://www.facebook.com/KARARYU Kararyu O Dragão Fantasma

    Here comes judeo-christianity pushing epic myths and lies down Mankind’s throat again. Will they ever quit?

  • jim palmer

    Romans 10:13 says For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be Saved!!

  • John Adolfi

    Freudian slip I guess

  • John Adolfi

    Wow what if the director showed animals hibernating for a year on that big wooden “tanker”. Now that would be cool.

  • John Adolfi

    Pushing truth?”no”
    Perpetuating “Myths and Lies” If they did, I hope so.

  • highnosethehighway

    Friendly Atheist? Yeah, right..I’d better stick to Richard Dawkins, at least he’s sincere…..and intelligent.

  • baal

    I prefer real world help rather than mystic pleas to a supernatural being.


    All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. Arthur Schopenhauer – as are the FACTS that this “God” you believe does not exist – at least, NOT the way they taught you – and “Jesus Christ” – whose existence simply can’t be proved and is the shiniest example of “The Big Lie Principle” and the “Bible” – which is NOT “The Word of (any) God”, for the simple reason that NO GOD EVER FOUNDED HIMSELF IN PERSON ANY RELIGION WHATSOEVER – are both early ROMAN/JEWISH FRAUDS to submit civilization, helped by means of blinding the mankind, with the burning of Alexandria. Learn to think, y’all.