Pat Robertson: Atheists Are Miserable Grinches!

Buckle up, guys, because we still have a month of “War on Christmas” stories to go, and I am just getting warmed up.

As always, 700 Club host Pat Robertson is bravely on the front lines of his imaginary battles:

This may be my favorite P-Rob video (and, believe you me, it was a tough choice), because of the picture he draws with his words:

Well, Christmas all over again.  Um, the Grinch is trying to steal our holiday.  It’s been so beautiful, the nation comes together, we sing Christmas carols, we give gifts to each other, we have, uh, lighted trees, it’s just a beautiful thing.

It is a beautiful thing, Pat.

I sure hope no one tries to stomp all over your Rockwellian image of this beautiful holiday!

Atheists don’t like our happiness! They don’t want you to be happy!  They want you to be miserable!  They’re miserable, so they want you to be miserable, so they want to steal your holiday away from you.

Busted!  You’re right, Pat. I am so miserable and cranky and Grinch-y all of the time and I just hate hate hate seeing other people happy so I roll in on my metaphorical sled of blogs and snark and ruin everyone else’s fun.  I ruin it by asking that religious symbols are kept to private property and I don’t get mad when people say, “Happy Holidays.” and… well, you get the idea.

Pictured: Me last December

My favorite part about all of this “War on Christmas” stuff is that I am an atheist who freaking loves Christmas.  I love Christmas music, I love buying presents, I love how Michigan Ave. looks all lit up, I love seeing my family, and I love Christmas music.  Oh and Christmas music.  Did I mention how much I love Christmas music?  Because I do. Carol of the Bells?  Yup.  All I Want For Christmas Is You?  You bet.  O Holy Night?  You’d better believe it.

In fact, I love Christmas music so much, that I hereby challenge Pat Robertson to a Christmas Music Sing-Off.

I will show him who is miserable when I beat him to the ground with my beautiful gift of song.

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • ortcutt

    I’m pretty sure that many American atheists give Christmas gifts and have lighted trees.  (N.B. I’m not seeing much Christ in Robertson’s Christmas, BTW).  I might even watch A Christmas Story.  All of this takes place on my own private property though.  I don’t feel I have any entitlement to erect 24-hour-a-day unattended displays on government property against city policy.  It takes a certain amount of Christian Privilege to feel entitled to that.  

  • Jenprohaska

    I love singing Christmas music, too!  And I’m about to get a shirt that says, “Keep the Soul in Solstice” because isn’t that what the season is all about?  :-)

  • Achron Timeless

    Well given the trees and presents are old pagan traditions that existed long before “christmas” did, there’s a basic realization Pat and his group aren’t getting.  Yes, we can completely toss the lie of it being a christian holiday into the fireplace for the Yule log to burn to a crisp and keep enjoying the festivities. Amazing how convenient that is. 

  • a reader

    Hmm. The fundie church I grew up in always stressed that Christmas was a secular holiday. They didn’t forbid us from celebrating it like JWs, but they said ideally it would be just like any other day, and that Easter was the only proper celebratory season.

  • Rubahtics

    I’m with you all the way up to Christmas music. As someone who has worked a number of retail jobs I can say I’d rather have rabid squirrels bore into my skull than have to hear Christmas music, which gets grating after 3 months of nonstop carols a year.

  • David McNerney

    Damn you Pat Robertson, you’ve taken the Christ out of Xmas – with your presents and your singing and your trees.

  • Candee Bell

    Well, Pat…Christmas is NOT YOUR holiday. Christians hijacked it from the Pagans.

  • Breanna Sullivan

    Christians that celebrate Christmas are weird. Christ said to celebrate his death, not his birth. 

  • David Philip Norris

    Pat Robertson = the modern-day Don Quixote, except without a Dulcinea.

  • arensb

    This seems as good a time as any to plug the Whirling Dervishes’ cover of “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”. Respectful of the original, yet rockin’:

  • MM

    Even my quasi-fundamentalist mother taught me that Christmas should be celebrated as a family holiday that holds no real genuine religious significance.  From her perspective, it’s nice to use the season as a time to reflect on Jesus’ birth, but only freaking morons actually think Jesus was born on December 25th.  Earnest Christians who think through it for 10 seconds realize that celebrating Jesus’ birth is an every day thing, not a 1 day a year thing.  Of course, most probably still think that the “war on Christmas” exists, but many, like my mom, don’t seem to get their panties in a bunch about it…compared to all teh gayz brainwashing young students and making us watch Will and Grace reruns, the war on Christmas is a minor distraction.

  • arensb

    Actually, the Russian Orthodox church, in which I was raised, considers Easter to be a more important holiday, since it commemorates what Jesus came to Earth to accomplish. They also celebrate Christmas because, well, you can’t go through a Russian winter without a few holidays.

    No, what’s weird is life-begins-at-conception Christians who celebrate Christmas in December rather than in March.

  • JWH

    Io, Saturnalia.

  • Gordon Duffy

     Like Tim Minchin said “I… really like Christmas. It’s sentimental I know, but I just really like it”

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Fuck you, Pat. I love Christmas.

  • anuran

    Just as they believe in the guy from the north pole, they believe in grinch too. Well I have nothing much against the celebrating the winter or the birth of a carpenter who was no good at his job. 
    It is just the rudeness of telling a child to leave a cookie for a home chimney intruder in the name of fake gifts.
    PS: Kids beware of the intruder who comes not just for the cookie but to sleep with your mom. He will also get two cookies next year.

  • primenumbers

    Why is The Grinch always mentioned in the negative when it comes to Christmas? The Grinch is a character who sees that Christmas is about family and friends, not presents, and by the end is a thoroughly reformed character! To compare atheists to The Grinch is pure compliment indeed.

  • Anna

    Probably because they’re thinking of The Grinch before he experienced his change of heart. Same with Ebenezer Scrooge. Sure, both characters were reformed at the end, but before that they were prime examples of Christmas-hating baddies.

  • Anna

    Not many fundamentalists want to give up their presents and trees!

  • Anna

    Shouldn’t that be “sol” in solstice? You could always send out this card:

  • newavocation

    Its all about DOLLARS! Those atheists are taking away your Xmas! So please send Pat all your cash to protect your Xmas.

  • m6wg4bxw

    I admit to being moderately miserable during and because of the 56 days of Christmas. I avoid as much of it as I can, though I wouldn’t deny anyone else.

  • Quintin

    I guess we agree on one thing, Pat.

  • Bruce_wright
  • primenumbers

    Yes, but they do have a habit of picking and choosing the bits of a story that suit their agenda eh? :-)

  • arensb

     I blame the St. Patrick’s mafia, who don’t want Christmas muscling on their holiday. Them, and the March Madness people.

  • Librepensadora

     No, Anna, it should not be the ‘sol’ in ‘solstice’.  Keeping the ‘soul’ in ‘solstice’ is a wonderful play on words and ironic comment on the imaginary world of things like souls and unicorns.

  • Librepensadora

     I worked only one Xmas season in retail sales, and it was back in the 1970s when I was still a Christian and the muzak in the store was mostly the familiar religious carols.  It was 25 years until I could hear one of those traditional hymns and not run screaming from the room.

  • Librepensadora

     Catholics have traditionally celebrated Jesus’ conception.  Nine months before Xmas comes the Feast of the Annunciation, March 25, which commemorates the apparition to Mary of the Archangel Gabriel as it is narrated in the first chapter of the Gospel according to Luke vss. 26-38.  (Yes, I was raised Catholic and decamped to the Protestants before giving up entirely on religion.)

  • rlrose63

    We adore Christmas music here, too.  All versions of O Holy Night are on the playlist (with a special preference for Josh Groban, the most talented man on the planet), along with many other religious and secular and outright disrespectful holiday songs.  We play them all year, actually, whenever we feel like hearing them.  I appreciate the music, the feeling it gives me, the nostalgia most of it represents.  I especially loved putting the Harry Simeone on the reel-to-reel and sitting by the speakers, singing at full voice.  Ah, memories.

    Though we now celebrate Solstice with our son, we still listen to the music and have integrated some of our most cherished holiday activities into our unique family celebration of winter, our favorite season, and giving to the community.  It’s just our favorite time of year!

  • rlrose63

    That is the single best argument for not going into the retail profession.  LOL!  It would be like a chocoholic working at See’s Candy.  Best way to kill a treasured activity.

  • rlrose63

    That was my exact through when I saw the subject of this post!  I’d say thank you, PR, for saying I’m a giving, thoughtful, caring human.  :-)

  • Carmelita Spats

    Pat Robertson? Really? He’s crazier than an acre of snakes and two sandwiches short of a picnic. Why give him the time of day? He’s like the drunk homeless guy yelling at you as you walk across the street or the old guy wearing denim shorts pulled way way high, black tube socks in white tennis shoes, who runs after “punk kids” while pushing a walker. If you want comedy, then it’s Jan Crouch…the cotton-candy haired queen of kitsch and poodles and velvet portraits of Jesus….TBN’s  darling sings Christmas carols like a chipmunk on meth:

  • Stev84

    That has a long tradition. The Puritans in colonial America really hated celebrating and forbade Christmas celebrations. Even many years after their theocracy was gone that cultural legacy persisted

  • Stev84

     Technically they stole the gift giving and trees from pagans

  • Fargofan

    Thank you, Jessica. The name “P-Rob” is hilarious.

  • Holytape

    I’m going to steal Christmas on December 26th when no one is looking.

  • Pickle

     I don’t know, I worked at Godiva Chocolatier several years ago and ate chocolate every single day. I never got tired of it. I’m with Rubahtics on the Christmas music, though!

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not my favorite holiday. Christmas music gets really grating after hearing it almost every day from november to december.

    If Christians can declare that there is an atheist war on christmas can atheists declare that there is a christian war on halloween? Which is the better of the two holidays. 

  • Phil

    More like the crazy aunt in the attic, except without her medication.

  • pagansister

     I doubt you’d ever get a Christian to admit that.  :o)   They like to think they made it up all by themselves because a “virgin” had a baby that was supposed to be very special. 

  • Deathby2

    Why are christers so pissed? Is it because christmas has been hijacked by capitalism?  Is it because god is a fat man in a red suit?  Is it because its a 2 month holiday?  Or perhaps its because they no lnger have any claim on stolen property.

  • Rwlawoffice

    In this country and for thousands of years in Europe Christmas has always been about the celebration of the birth of Christ So when atheists fight Christmas here in this country they are fighting Christians and a Christian holiday.

  • Rwlawoffice

    In this country Christmas had always been the celebration of the birth of Christ. The fact that atheists celebrate just means they are celebrating a Christian holiday. Maybe you should also celebrate Ramadan while you are at it.

  • pagansister

     Seriously?  Fighting Christians and a Christian Holiday?   As long as the Nativity scene isn’t on public display making folks think that EVERYONE is a Christian in this country (USA) , there is no problem. I love Christmas, and our family celebrates it as a recognition of how special all babies are—and a time to have family gather to give gifts to those we love.  JC has no special significance.  Heck,  Christmas is just fun! 

  • Anna

    True, but there’s no direct connection between “soul” and “solstice.” Either of them works fine for annoying the “Keep Christ in Christmas” types, though. ;o)

  • Anna

    Who’s fighting Christmas, Robert? That’s Pat Robertson’s wacky fantasy. I love Christmas, and I’m not going to let the fundamentalists take it away from me. So there, LOL.

  • pagansister

     Shame on you for thinking that trees, yule logs etc. aren’t totally Christian—-the 3 wise dudes brought gifts to JC at his birth, and I wonder it there might have been at least one fire (yule log?) burning at the time and you know there had to be a tree somewhere when JC was born!    Now whether it was decorated or not is another story.  :o)     (all said with much sarcasm).

  • pagansister

    Then you could make it St. Stephens’ Day.   :o) 

  • pagansister

    I continue to say P. R.  is a waste of breath —why does ANYONE listen to him at all?    

  • sunburned

    LoL. Was that before or after Christians had banned the celebration of it?

  • ReadsInTrees

    Ditto, except for Carol of the Bells. For some reason, I can listen to any version of that song over and over (Although my favorites are those from Celtic Woman and the Starchild Excalibur Drumadelic remix:

  • ReadsInTrees

    Wait, I missed the part in the Bible where Jesus hangs up his stocking and is visited by Santa Clause before opening presents underneath an evergreen tree….

  • ReadsInTrees

    I love when people ask if I’m offended by religious holiday songs since I think they’re “made up” and I just ask if they’re offended by Frosty the Snowman or Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I am a little weirded out by Baby It’s Cold Outside, but just because of the questionable date rape aspect of it.

  • Rando

     Oh, so you celebrate the birth of your savior by decorating a pine tree with silver and gold. Well according to your own holy book that’s a heathen tradition. Read Jeremiah 10: 2-3 and find out why you’re embarrassing yourself .

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    Oh don’t you know that verse? It’s right after Ezekiel 25:17. It’s at this point that Jesus threatens to put a cap in santa’s ass. 

  • Robster

    There’s an impression that behind ol’ Pat, there’s some sort of religious person running the show. Pat’s a puppet, literally. Or, he could be a computer generated hologram, beamed in from the vatican via broadband with Ratzy pressing “enter”. He can’t be real, can he?

  • Baby_Raptor

    Completely irrelevant. Christians still stole it from the Pagans they were trying to convert. So whether or not you happen to think it’s always been Christian here doesn’t matter. It’s still hypocrisy out the ass.

    Especially after you factor in that the whole War on Christmas is one more faux persecution claim for them anyway. 

  • Baby_Raptor

    Only to christians. There are plenty of people who still celebrate what the holiday originally was before you assholes stole it. But, hay. We don’t exist in your world. That would be inconvenient. 

    And, seriously. Get over yourself. You’re NOT persecuted, nobody cares what you celebrate in private, and nobody hates you for your supposed righteousness. We just want it kept private. You know, because it’s the law. 

  • David Philip Norris

    Ha, or like Mr. Rochester’s mad wife in Jane Eyre…

  • Baby_Raptor

    No, because that would be “persecuting them for their beliefs.” Only the christianists have the right to their beliefs, remember? 


  • Baby_Raptor

    Oh, yeah. Christmas is coming up. Time to pull out “All I Want for Christmas is to Kick Your Ass” by the Midnight Riders and make it a ringtone. 

    That should make a few people around here go head-asplode. 

  • Kerri Russ

    Yeah, that song is fun but if you really look at it, it is kinda creepy.  My hubby needs to add that to his Cool but Creepy playlist, along with “Every Breath You Take” by the Police and “Obsession” by Animotion.

  • George Peterson

    I’m an atheist who has a tree and gives gifts. Has nothing to do with Jesus, but who cares? 

  • SphericalBunny

    K, even giving you the benefit of the doubt and presuming by ‘thousands of years’, you just meant two, that means that you’re claiming Europe managed to celebrate a birth that they’d never heard of, and a religion that hadn’t been invented, for quite some time. Clever buggers, ain’t we? Quite what you think this even has to do with ‘fighting’ Christmas; or ‘fighting’ the ‘Xtian’ holiday of singing, presents and decorated trees (!) has yet to be seen.

    In short, your stupid is hanging out again. Please deal with that, it’s remarkably unpleasant to look at.

  • Breanna Sullivan

    Yea, I actually knew that about them and always thought that they were the ones that had it right, and that the Christians here in America have it backwards. Easter is not nearly as important here as Christmas is, which I find odd (even though I’m an atheist…)

  • Coyotenose

     Lying again. Shocker, really.

  • TheG

    Atheists are Grinches?

    Well, Christians are lousy lays.

  • Coyotenose

     I’d bet money that this was explained to you last winter and you just chose to ignore it.

    Whatever happened to the lengthy dishonest word games? Get beaten so many times that you finally realized they don’t work on skpetics, and just going for the falsehoods delivered with a foot-stomp now? You guys always turn out the same way after a short while, once your egos are bruised from having your pretensions of rationality damaged.

  • Coyotenose

     Let’s have some fun though and rephrase that as “They keep likening us to the heroes of the stories”.

  • Sindigo

    No-one’s fighting Christmas or Christians. That’s a myth almost as old as your god himself.

  • Sindigo

    Actually, I have been known to celebrate Ramadan with my Muslim neighbours (I didn’t do the fasting but then, I don’t like mince pies either). I’ve celebrated Buddhist festivals when I lived near a Buddhist temple and I’ve been to Hindu retreats.

    I celebrate Christmas more than anything else of course but then, like most on here, I live in a country where the predominant religion is Christian so that shouldn’t come as a surprise, should it.

  • NickDB

     Maybe 100s of years in Europe, almost a couple of 1000, but not yet, well not for another 300 years.

    Maybe try using Google to check your facts first before putting forth an argument.

  • MariaO

    All cultures far enough from the equator to have a considerable difference in day lenght over the year has celebrated the mid-winter soltice -the wonderful day when days are getting longer again and light begins ti return. Before xianity stole it, it was called “jul” were I live and was celebrated with an excess of food and drink. Infact, it is still called “jul” (the xians tried to change the name but never succeeded!) and is celebrated with an excess of food and drink. Later years have added a shopping spree and some wonderful music. And by the way, the guy who arrives with the presents is NOT derived from any xian figure but from the “tomte” , a pagan figure of the barn and generally on the farm – helpful or evil depending on how the people behaved.

  • Tyrrlin Flamestrike

    *laughs*  Imagine working in a music store (as I do) and you get to hear the kiddos practicing their holiday music as early as September (and as late as mid-January).

  • pureone

    i’m trying to figure out your logical fallacies. Is that appeal to tradition? Oooh, maybe with a little special pleading thrown in for flavor?

  • SeekerLancer

    It’s hard to even call “Christmas” itself a Christian holiday these days. You can celebrate a secular Christmas without a single Christian symbol. Many people of other religions celebrate the secular Christmas because it’s a great holiday. There’s a reason Christians get up in arms with the “true meaning” of Christmas every year and the “Keep Christ in Christmas” billboards go up.

  • SeekerLancer

    Christmas music makes me irrationally angry, not because I hate Christmas, but because it starts in October and doesn’t let up until I’m on the brink of insanity.

  • CelticWhisper

    That’s nice.

    I like cashews.

  • The Other Weirdo

     To the Jews of Europe, Christmas was also a very special time of the year, when they could sure that at least some Christians were thinking about them and how to top last year’s pogrom.

  • HannibalBarca

    I like Christmas, but I fucking DETEST Christmas music. I’m in retail too, wonder if that’s a coincedence…

  • enuma

     When Aaron built the golden calf, he tried to pass it off as a depiction of the God of Israel.  It did not go over well. 

    Pagan holidays celebrated with Christian intentions are still pagan holidays.  The Bible is ambiguous on a lot of things, but it’s pretty clear on the whole “don’t adopt the ways of the pagans” thing.

  • Guest

    Thousands of years? The church didn’t accept Christmas as an official holiday until several centuries after the birth of Christ. 

    I don’t get how people think that Christ, born in the middle east, some how had snow and wrapping paper and evergreen trees and- like, really? Is it just a coincidence that pagans have a near identical celebration called Yule (Yule log might sound familiar)?

  • amycas

    No, maybe one thousand years in Europe, but not thousands. Your supposed savior was born only two thousand years ago, and Christmas wasn’t celebrated until at least 500 years after that, even then it wasn’t the same thing we have today. 

  • enuma

     The only time Christmas celebrations have ever been banned in America was in colonial Massachusetts, when it was banned by Christians for being an offense against God.

  • amycas

    Is “So help me Jesus” by the Toadies on that list? very creepy song.

  • Xeon2000

    Well, their entire religion kinda falls apart then…

  • enuma

    In addition to being too raucous and pagan, Christmas was rejected in America because it was seen more as an English custom than a Christian holiday.  Anti-Christmas sentiment spiked around the time of the American Revolution because it was seen as an example of English intrusion into American affairs.  Later it slowly gained popularity in the South, where it became an important social event, but remained unpopular in the more puritanical northern states.  Christmas wasn’t made a federal holiday until 1870, which done partly as an effort to reunite the North and South in the aftermath of the Civil War.

  • GloomCookie613

    Christians cherry-picking parts of stories?! Now that’s just crazy talk!

  • Anna

    I can guarantee you that Robert knows all this. He’s just being contrary. ;o)

  • Baal

     If you really want to celebrate Biblicaly, Ezekiel 23:20 is where the actions at.

  • Baal

     Yes, so Jesus’s birthday is mid winter?  You’ve researched this one have you?

  • Baal

    Nonesense, it’s a little known fact that the original tune for ‘jingle bells’ was laid out by baby jesus in the manger.  He grab the bridle harness of a donkey and shook in a way eerily similar to the ringing of the bells in the modern song. 

  • pagansister

     Would there be a problem with celebrating Ramadan if one wanted to even though one wasn’t Muslim?  No.   There is no law against celebrating whatever a person wants to celebrate.   One doesn’t have to be Christian to celebrate Christmas—or Easter for that matter.  It’s symbols have Pagan roots. 

  • Jenprohaska

    Thanks, I agree.

  • pagansister

     Off topic—just have to say I like your  on line name.