Christian Rapping is Exactly As Awesome/Awful As You Think

Just when you think that the Internet is running out of amazing stuff, Tamara Lowe pops up with this:

If you have the misfortune (or good fortune, however you would like to look at it) to not be able to watch this video, here are the lyrics. Go ahead. Rap along.

To be a survivor in this Amazing Race with the need for speed you need God’s Grace and if your desperate like housewives watching days of our lives, you can’t cope without hope and that is not on a soap. If you’re looking to Oprah or Dr. Phil you can shop non-stop or pop a pill, but the void won’t fill and the pain won’t kill until you love the one that hung on a hill.

Kicking back in your lazy boy easy chair watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, nah you’re not gonna find it there. No American Idol or Council Tribal has the final answer that will satisfy ya. C. S. I. ain’t got a clue. S.V.U. don’t know what to do Not the E R or the OC not those seen on a CD TV DVD or MP3 can save you and me. CNN has got no Good News here’s a headline you must choose. It’s not a simple life Paris Hilton, It’s treading on thin ice living in sin.

You can be an apprentice for Donald Trump or eat Fear Factor fast food from a dump. You can be a heavy hitter or wheel of fortune winner or a Fox news no spin spinner or flat out sinner but you better check this life that you’re livin’ and make sure your sins are forgiven. I bet ya 50 cent Elvis done come and went, and eventually every Black-eyed-pea, Gwen Stefani, P-Diddy and Britney. Every wanna-be on MTV with their Icy Bling, every Dixie Chick that Sings, they all gonna see the king of kings. I don’t care if you’re J-Lo, Leno or Bono. One thing you gotta know. Some day you’re gonna die, Bro. Then Where are you gonna go?

Hey, i’m not talking some punk junk that is irrelevant. Like your Grandma’s church from way back when. It’s not some preacher feature on T B N. that you need to be liking or listening. The real superstar is Jesus Christ. He’s the way, He’s the truth and the life. One day he’s gonna split the sky. He is the brightest light and the highest high and so what I came to say and what I’m telling you is don’t buy that stupid stuff they be selling ya. it’s all designed to fill your head and waste your space until your dead.

Here’s the bottom line in my rhyme. Give your life to God while there’s still time.

…I just don’t have words.  I am, to be frank, impressed at the sheer number of pop-culture references she manages to cram into that rap… thing. Too bad it lacks any sort of actual coherence.

I can’t decide if it’s sadder that a self-proclaimed “middle-aged white girl” is rapping or that the commenters on YouTube seem to have nothing but adoration for her.

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • http://www.facebook.com/DocMonkey Mick Wright

    …I’ve never wanted to hit someone with a cactus so much in my ENTIRE LIFE. Yeurgh.

    • The Godless Monster

       This has got to be the funniest fucking thing I’ve read in the last several months.

  • http://profiles.google.com/davydd.norris David Philip Norris

    Vanilla Ice just called. He wants his status as Worst Caucasian Rapper in the History of Everything back.

    • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

      Vanilla Ice isn’t the worst caucasian rapper, and never was. Average Homeboy is much worse, though I’m sure eevn he isn’t at the bottom of the list.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor
        • Deven Kale

           Okay wow. I actually watched all of her video and 3 of this “Krispy Kreme” guys and, well…. She’s better than him.

      • http://profiles.google.com/davydd.norris David Philip Norris

        You’re not wrong there…

      • http://www.dissectingthoughts.com/ DisThoughts

        Can’t say I’m familiar with Average Homeboy, but Vanilla Ice isn’t anywhere near as bad as either member of the Insane Clown Posse.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

    If this is bad, then so is the rapping George Carlin has done. “Modern Man,” for example…

    • http://www.dissectingthoughts.com/ DisThoughts

      I prefer the content and wit of Carlin over that of Lowe. However, if you’re talking strictly form, rhyme-structure, presentation etc. then we’re in agreement. On those aspects the two are quite comperable. Then again, I don’t believe that either this or Carlin’s ‘Modern Man’ were ever intended as rap in the first place. Not all spoken rhymes are rap.

      • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

        Agreed.

  • Baby_Raptor

    Speaking as someone who used to like Christian Rap…Okay, one Christian Rap artist, TobyMac from DC Talk….Goddamn. 

    WTF is that noise?

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

    She is not horrible but I couldn’t watch it all.

  • Stev84

    Ordinary rap is already horrible. There has long been a “Christian Gangsta Rap” category in WinAmp. I really don’t want to know….

    • http://www.dissectingthoughts.com/ DisThoughts

      Listen to ‘You Never Know’ by Immortal Technique or ‘Inherited Scars’ by Sage Francis. If you simply don’t like the sound of it, then fair enough; that’s your preference. But don’t tell me those two examples of ‘ordinary rap’ have no poetic merit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Dharmaworks David Benjamin Patton

    I think Hank Hill from King of the Hill said it best although he wasn’t exactly talking about rap. ; )

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TsL0DO-c1E

  • DaveDodo007

    Christians trying to be trendy and withit:-) I did have to watch it through my fingers though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/usman.bello.125 Usman Bello

    I lasted 9 whole seconds before I stopped it. I miss the old days when acts like that would get the treatment they deserve – Jaye P. Morgan or Jamie Farr hitting a gong.

  • SeekerLancer

    But there are Bibles on CDs and DVDs.

  • Renshia

    Well other than her choice of topics, I think that’s pretty cool. Older white chick trying to get hip. Way to go girl!

    I don’t think it is up to any kinda reward standard, she is not going to be invited to AMA. But way to go for stepping out of the box and giving it a great go. It takes courage to step up and try something new.
    Good for her.

  • Will

    Ok, I’m making the slow but almost inevitable transition from Christian to…uh…non-Christian, and I’m a big fan of some of the quality Christian rap out there. This crap is the only type of rap that white churches allow in. They still think of rap as “sinful”.

    Good Christian rap: LeCrae, Ambassador, Mars Ill, Listener, Phanatik.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

       Hi, Will. If you like rap but are moving from christian to atheist, then you probably want to check out rationalwarrior on his YouTube channel.

    • heisenberg

      Try listening to Greydon Square. Great rapper and musician. It might be a bit offensive if you’re still hanging on to your past religion though…

  • rich h

    How ’bout the good old “Christian Side Hug”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpTokfdfV_w

    • jjramsey

       The original “Christian Side Hug” video was rather funny, and it was meant to be. It’s kinda sad that ZOMGitsCriss didn’t see that it was a joke to begin with.

      • rich h

         I saw the original, and I didn’t see any humor in it. Instead, I saw a bunch of christians echoing exactly what their masters were telling them,,, to wit: sex is bad, sex is brought on by women, therefore violence against women is ok if it keeps you from having sinful sex.

  • sijd

    youtube.com/watch?v=_xLnsbUviuk&list=UULhtZqdkjshgq8TqwIjMdCQ&index=55&feature=plcp

  • HughInAz

    “Christian rap” can be abbreviated C-rap, or just crap.

  • Robster

    Is there nothing else for these deluded twits to sing about? The saviour on a stick, there’s a good lyric and the dead magic jew are just a few. What they need to incorporate is a big majestic pipe organ, that would give it some gravitas, otherwise the noise they make is no better than Justin Bieber burping.

  • David Dionne

    This seems less like rap and more like the list of side effects at the end of a prescription drug commercial.

  • Pedro Lemos

    I swear I read christian raping… and the images of some priests with children already popped in my mind… then I got myself wondering how a christian rape could be an awesome thing…
    Good thing I read it again… 

  • http://www.dissectingthoughts.com/ DisThoughts

    I know they’re overlapping categories, but I’d say this is spoken word or slam poetry, not rap. Of course, she might be an exceptionally bad rapper, but I see nothing to indicate that she herself thought what she’s doing was supposed to be rap.

    • WildRumpus67

      Yeah, people need to lighten up in this one. That woman is a very capable poet and I enjoyed her presentation. If everything rhymes, then you call it a poem. All raps are poems, not all poems are raps.

  • http://www.groverbeachbum.blogspot.com/ Neil

    Not to be too critical, but the fact that listening to christian rap is about as much fun as drowning in dogshit has been known for decades.  And before we had any direct proof of this, it had already been theorized by those of us who in the earlier 80′s had been subjected to christian metal.  

    “Stryper is so old school, dude- have you heard the new D.C. Talk CD?”  
    Oh Lawd.

  • Miss_Beara

    “but the void won’t fill and the pain won’t kill until you love the one that hung on a hill.”

    Isn’t that special. 

  • http://profiles.google.com/kristenefournier Kristen Fournier

    I’m more offended by Christian spoken word.  Especially if it’s done by white hipster guys with beanies affecting a black cadence.


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