Heathen Holiday Card of the Day (12/22)

Today’s submission comes to us from Canada, which I am told is some magical place vaguely North of here where people are polite and polar bears are kept as house pets.

It was submitted by reader Jen Funk and designed by Andee Penner out of her delightful Etsy shop (seriously, go check it out if you need a HI-larious card for any occasion).

Sounds like home!

Keep your cards coming to HeathenHolidayCards@gmail.com, and you can see the whole collection here!

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • dorothy30

    it’s funny in a blog post, but seriously, would anyone REALLY send a card like this? or maybe they’d just send it to a couple of close friends who would appreciate the joke. I still send quite a few cards, and even tho i am very much ‘out’ as an atheist, i try to be positive. i send Xmas cards that feature non-religious scenes like snow and Santa, and messages like ‘happy holidays’. I would send a more humanist-type card if i could find one that is religion-neutral. So every day i’ve been reading this ‘card of the day’ post, and laughing, but i haven’t seen anything yet that i could send myself

    • Pickle

      I agree. I love the cards being featured here but I have very few people in my life who I would actually send these to. I usually just send E-cards anyway.

  • Janet Holmes

    That’s hilarious, though no doubt a niche market, I’d be happy to get it!

  • http://twitter.com/rlrose328 Kerri Russ

    I’ve made my own cards for years but they usually have a generic secular vibe to them… “may you have a happy and joyous new year” or “during this holiday season, hold your loved ones close and celebrate life,” that type of thing. While I do love these heathen cards and I’ve saved a few of them to my samples folder, I doubt I would ever send them because I know of no one on my card list that is an atheist or who would appreciate them at all. I try not to aggrieve my card recipients, especially during the holidays.

  • http://friendlyatheist.com Richard Wade

    This one really cracked me up; it’s so much like my family at Christmas while I was a little kid. My dear ol’ Dad was an agnostic sailor in two wars:

    “Oh for Christ’s sake! I gotta go back to the store again just for eggnog?”
    “Jesus Hoover Roosevelt Christ it’s cold out here!”
    “The store is ten miles past where God left his bicycle.”
    “Lady, I”ll give you ten bucks if you stop ringing that goddamn bell while I’m in the store. I won’t be long.”
    “Holy shit this eggnogg’s expensive!”
    “The service here is slower than the Second Coming!”
    “When I was your age, the store Santa scared the beJesus outa me!”

    Our Christmases were filled with love, chaos, booze, humor, profanity, and more love.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

    this is my winner for the year for this series. way too true to be anything but lol funny.

    “Jesus Christ couldn’t turn enough water in to wine for you to drink, you sot.”

    “Jesus Christ my eyes are bleeding, you call that a sweater?”

    “Jesus Christ himself could walk thru the door right now and you two wouldn’t stop bickering.”

    “Are you trying to crucify Christ again with that strawman argument?”

  • starskeptic

    Sharing the pic of this card led a Christian friend of mine to request I remove her from my contact list. In a rambling email filled with misspellings and a liberal use of capital letters she included all the admonishments that readers here are familiar with.
    I replied simply – “sad to see you go – but not sorry.”


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