The Most Inappropriate Song About Abstinence You’ll Hear All Day

There’s nothing safe for work about this song.

You hear me?

Not. Safe. For. Work.

But it’s Garfunkel and Oates so you know it’s hilarious. They sing about a loophole to abstinence that Jesus himself would surely approve of…:

A sampling of the lyrics:

Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan’s doorbell God can’t ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
’Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin
I emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I’m ready for romance
Now I’m praying to the power that’s the highest
But of all of my holes this one’s the driest
And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
And God’s okay with sodomy but only if you’re straight

(Thanks to Fred for the link!)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • baal

    Now I’m going to have to stop my self from singing the chorus for the rest of the day…

  • Stev84

    Haha. That is awesome

  • chicago dyke

    that is so hilarious. and Hemant is not lying: not. safe. for. work.

  • chicago dyke

    and being Serious for a moment, it’s also a serious problem that public health officials have been trying to get more people to pay attention to, for a while now.

    anal sex is riskier for a lot of reasons and inexperienced young people are going to increase the risk of spreading disease with this because they’re less likely to practice safer sex while doing it.

  • alconnolly

    Praise The Lord! It great to have someone helping me out with the loopholes and all the other holes!

  • Gus Snarp

    This is why headphones were invented.

  • M. Elaine

    “My chastity belt has locks, so sometimes you have to think outside the box.” Epic.

  • Octoberfurst

    That was really funny. I chuckled at the thought of this being used as a hymn in church. You know, have the women’s choir sing it. It would certainly make church more “interesting.” Sure beats, “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” LOL.

  • 00001000_bit

    Depends on where you work. This is the kind of thing I could play at work. Of course, we’re about 75% atheist and, otherwise, weak theist/deist. :)

  • A3Kr0n

    But, but I’m at work!!

  • abb3w

    There’s a transcript and translation to spanish Here, with full video as well.

    The line “sweet sensation of throbbing rationalization” in the chorus is brilliant.

  • LesterBallard

    They should play at the inaugural.

  • Mike Hunt

    Too funny, thanks!

  • Robin Lionheart

    Cool, they did a song about saddlebacking!

  • allein

    Especially since they did a live Savage Love show a while back.

  • macprince

    2:11 to 2:18…that look on their faces.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Tried to listen to this yesterday but the audio sucks major anus.

  • J-Rex

    I actually know people who did anal because they didn’t want to lose their virginity. So…I guess gay men will always be virgins? Good news for them if they want to stay with the RCC.