If You Remain Abstinent, You Can Be Just Like Them!

James Dobson (circa 1993) wants to scare you away from pre-marital sex by showing you how uncool it is:

Vince Mancini has the hilarious scene-by-scene breakdown at FilmDrunk:

The intro sequence. It’s a literal CARNIVAL OF SIN! Which, in case you’re wondering, basically looks like the opening scene from Lost Boys, only with more closeups and less Greasy Sax Man. SCARY CLOWNS! PROMISCUOUS ROLLER COASTERS! BREAKING GLASS TRANSITION! This has everything but those cigar-smoking donkeys from Pinocchio.

1:50 — Super creepy close-up on the 10-year-old clearly uncomfortable with his friend talking about sex. UNITE CHRISTIANS! WE ARE ALL THIS AWKWARD 10-YEAR-OLD! AWKWARD 10-YEAR-OLDS FOR LIFE AND PROUD OF IT!

How did no one on the set tell Kirk Cameron to put the mouse back in the house?

(Thanks to Christopher for the link!)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • http://www.facebook.com/usman.bello.125 Usman Bello

    So, if I wear disturbingly short shorts, I’ll be as cool as Kirk Cameron?

  • McFidget

    I love the bit where there’s two kids and one of them is talking. Obviously the camera does a really creepy zoom on the one that isn’t. Genius cinematography.

  • Fletch999

    The kid at the end was pretty smart… use a condom AND a diaphragm.

  • Carmelita Spats

    They worship a 2,000-year-old virgin carpenter who was his own Father…Now THAT is more ridiculous than Kirk Cameron’s shorts or the slightly unhinged 1993 haircuts. BTW, Dobson’s daughter, Danae Dobson, has never been married and is 48 years old. She writes these syrupy, malt shop, books about dating and sex while claiming to be a 48-year-old virgin. Dobson’s son, Ryan Dobson, is divorced and remarried which is a HUGE deal if your dad has made a VERY comfortable living demonizing other people’s sex lives, including gays. Besides, as Ryan Dobson knows, Jesus never mentions homosexuality in any of the gospels yet he equates divorce and remarriage with adultery: Matthew 5:32…” But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”

  • Houndentenor

    Do Cameron’s not-all-that-secret same sex encounters in LA public parks not count as premarital sex?

  • Octoberfurst

    Oh how I remember these types of videos from my youth! Growing up a fundamentalist we were shown anti-sex videos like this in my church youth group and were warned of the dangers of premarital sex and how it would just ruin our lives and that we should be virgins until our wedding night. (Both the boys and girls were taught this but it was especially pushed on the girls.) But we weren’t even allowed to masturbate to relieve sexual tension because that was a sin too! Even lusting after someone was a sin! (Your thoughts must always be “pure” you see.) Needless to say as a horny teenager I felt guilty a LOT & it caused me to have some sexual hang-ups.
    Looking back it makes me wonder why Christians are so obsessed with people not having sex until marriage. Why is virginity so prized? Personally I don’t see what’s so special about being a virgin on your wedding night. Over the years I have slept with virgins and I have slept with non-virgins & let me tell you non-virgins are a lot more fun! (They know what they are doing & aren’t awkward.) Just sayin’.

  • http://www.sunstonescafe.com/ Paul Sunstone

    Propaganda videos make me horny.

  • Sergio Castro

    You know, if he would just accept that he is gay he’d be a lot happier. I’m not saying that as a snark; he is clearly gay and not OK with it. Which is sad.
    He should review the very first thing he said in that video: Life is short, have as much fun as you can on this roller coaster ride!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

    as i said over at the gaii blog, i really believe the ur narrative of all the hater wingnuts obsessed with other people having sex stems from an experience they once had, likely as a teen, when an attractive person turned them down and maybe laughed at their penis or breasts. they want to punish that person, over and over and over.

  • Karen

    Y’know, this is unbelievably corny and cheesy now, but I remember how powerful these things were when I was an evangelical kid myself watching them in church youth group.
    Two things that are lost on us in 2013:
    1-People were dying by the truckloads back then of HIV/AIDS and so the fear of unprotected sex was much more immediate and raw.
    2-It was truly refreshing just to see average kids talking openly about sex anywhere. That pretty much wasn’t done back in the day. I think that’s why Dobson had a lot of appeal for many people, even non-fundies.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

    In 1993 I was having all kinds of pre-martial unprotected sex with my soon to be wife.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Did you even try to masturbate or did the guilt stop you? My mother was a god fearing woman but she was also pretty liberal. She didn’t even care that I had playboy and penthouse magazines when I was a teenager.

  • Octoberfurst

    When I was a teenager I was your typical horny guy and masturbated all the time and then felt horribly guilty about it and would always promise Jesus that I would never, ever do that again and asked him to give me the strength to remain “pure.” That lasted until the next night when I was laying in bed thinking about one of the sexy cheerleaders and then–whoops—sinned again! One time I saw a Playboy magazine laying in my neighbors trash can and I covertly took it home to look at in my bedroom. (FYI this was back in the early 70′s.) Well my mom walked in on me and had a major freak-out. It was just sooo much fun growing up in a sexually repressive home.

  • bernardaB

    The two kids talking are great. Unfortunately for me I was 17 before I got laid. I later learned that there were other good ones out there who had been interested in me much earlier.

  • http://profiles.google.com/julielada Julie Lada

    Well, if Eddie Winslow says it’s cool…

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

    I cannot imagine what it was like to feel guilty over something that is 100% normal.

  • allein

    So if you either get married, or never have sex, you can’t get your heart broken?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=597605006 Mary Driftwood

    OMG My parents made me watch this after they saw me kissing my boyfriend when I was 16!

  • Trickster Goddess

    For 1993 they seem fairly enlightened in acknowledging that straight people can get AIDS too.

  • J-Rex

    Yeah pretty much. “That was the last time ever!!!” …until the next day.
    What a great way to make people feel terrible about themselves for years at a time.

  • Tor

    You can never be as “cool” as Kirk Cameron.

  • Tor

    Wow. I was 21 (Valentines Day) when I first got laid. It was a blow job. Does that count?

  • bernardaB

    Get the DVD “Clerks” to find out. It is a very funny movie with crude direct language by 20 somethings about sex, star trek, roller hockey, and much much more.

  • fsm

    To me the only part of the opening sequence that looked wholesome was the young couple kissing. I don’t know if that was intentional but it sure looked out of place to me with all the quick cuts of fear and debauchery.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gary.clouse.165 Gary Clouse

    According to thebibl, abstinence didn’t work for Mary.

    When I was a kid, a friend of mine bought a comdom drom a vending machine in a gas station mens room, made a water ballon from it by putting at least a quart water rin it, and proceded to kick it around a gravel parking lot for at least a half hour. It never broke.

    I suppose if a hugh school junior uses the condom he kept in his wallet since the 8th grade, it would be degraded enough to fail.