What Would Jesus Say To Ellen DeGeneres?

Ed Young, pastor of Fellowship Church in Texas, gave a sermon over the weekend about what Jesus would say to Ellen DeGeneres.

Turns out Jesus would be a dick and tell Ellen she shouldn’t be gay because:

  • “Homosexuality is not my ideal” (19:52)
  • “The parts don’t fit!” (26:46)
  • “We all mess up!” (27:19)
  • “At the end of the day, it is a choice!” (30:38)
  • “You’re awesome, but get under my authority!” (33:30)

This is why Christians are losing the demographic wars: They lie, they revel in their own ignorance, and their idea of “Christian Love” is anything but that.

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Gus Snarp

    Can’t even read their own damn book. Find me the part where Jesus said anything like that to anyone for any conventional sin. For greed, for being a stickler for the rules, for being pedantic, sure, but when confronted with the sexual sinners, he doesn’t have much to say at all. Maybe he’d exhort her to give away her money and follow him.

    • eric

      Yup, that”d be my guess: give up all your worldly posessions. Donate every singl cent you have to worthy charities. Forsake your family, and walk the earth a poor beggar proclaiming the kingdom of God is at hand. On sex, the message would probably be: none is better than some, but if you can’t be that ascetic, marriage or a steady partner is better than promiscuity.
      All spoken in aramaic or latin or whatever. :)

      • Randomfactor

        Greek. And if you can’t read it, you’re taking someone’s word for what it says.

        • JohnnieCanuck

          Unlikely that Jesus, if he existed, spoke Greek. The language of the region was Aramic.

          The Greek stuff came a century or so later when they appropriated this crazy story from some Jews about a messiah and wrote it down. In multiple versions, some of which were merged and many others just thrown away later.

          So even in the earliest manuscripts available, you’re taking someone’s word for what someone else edited, down through a long chain of telephone with deliberate changes.

        • Gus Snarp

          Yeah, but you’re also taking someone’s word that he actually existed, let alone that the people who wrote down the earliest versions recorded what he said remotely accurately.

          Jesus may or may not have been a historical figure, but the Jesus of the Bible is a character, and it is this character on whom the Christian religion is founded. Most versions of the Bible available for the last thousand years basically agree on the character of Jesus. So if Christians are asking what Jesus would say to Ellen DeGeneres, they’re talking about the character in the Bible, not about any real person who might have actually existed. And that character didn’t harp on people about their sexual sins. He clearly hung out with prostitutes and other sinners and never once spoke to them about their sin. That is one kernel of goodness buried in the wicked Bible, but it’s clearly there, and it’s astounding how many Christians ignore the few good things in their book to focus on the bad ones.

      • Brian M

        And why is a religion which denies are physicality and the joys of sex a good teaching in any way? (Not saying that YOU are really saying that, and I agree the Biblical Jesus doesn;t focus on sexual sin. On the other hand, everyone who doesn’t join the Jesus Cult is going to be horribly tortured for ever and ever and ever. But He was NICE to a prostitute who agreed with him. Whatta guy!

    • Art_Vandelay

      Well of course we have no idea what Jesus said because that thing has been edited like crazy but what did get left in there are declarations to honor and obey the OT and that all Old Testament laws (Laws of Moses) are still completely valid.

      • Gus Snarp

        Yes, the rules are still valid according to the New Testament, but what also comes through is that Jesus had no interest whatsoever in talking about them, much less browbeating people about them.

        • Brian M

          NO. Just making clear that everyone who didn;t fall in line was heading for eternal and gruesome torture.

  • mikespeir

    I think Jesus would often be very surprised at what he would say.

  • Question Everything

    Well, Pastor Young, according to that one book Jesus has come back before, and said he’d be back again. If you really want to know what Jesus would say, get Jesus back and have him say it, that seems pretty easy for someone who, say, has the faith of a mustard seed. Otherwise, I have to assume you’re just preaching what you think and are trying to put the stamp of a god’s authority on it.

  • ortcutt

    We’ll have to find an Aramaic speaker to explain to Jesus what TV is. Then we should explain to him what Christianity is too. I’m sure he’ll get a kick out of that.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      I can see it now, the blank stare and flat “what”, followed by “they said what about me?”

    • Brian M

      I think as liberals we should not make the same mistake the fundies do. Jesus was NOT, overall, a “liberal”. He was a crazy, apocalyptic street preacher who thought the world was going to end really soon. Nicey nice stuff like the Sermon on the Mount was often added in after the fact…we have no real idea about what Jesus did or would say.

  • http://boldquestions.wordpress.com/ Ubi Dubium

    I didn’t see any of those things Ed Young listed mentioned in the bible. But I distinctly remember it says “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. And considering that Jeebus spent so much time hanging around with a group of unmarried young men, I think he might not have said much of anything to Ellen.

    • Reginald Selkirk

      But I distinctly remember it says “let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.

      It does, ever since some lying Christian scribe inserted that bit onto the Gospel hundreds of years after Jesus alleged life and death (see Pericope Adulterae). That lying Christian scribe had as much right to speak for Jesus as pastor Ed Young does.

      • http://boldquestions.wordpress.com/ Ubi Dubium

        Yes, we know that it’s a later insertion, but either Ed Young does not, or he really doesn’t want his flock to know things like that. Even bits that we know are forgeries can be quoted back at them, because the fundies could never admit to there being anything less than perfect in their buy-bull.

        • Blessed Jim

          The King James Bible. If it was good enough for Paul, its good enough for Ed Young!

      • Kengi

        The Pericope Adulterae is a lot more complicated than ” some lying Christian scribe” inserting text. There were discussions of that story from other sources which pre-date the 400 AD scribe “inserting” that text. That means, at the least, that particular scribe probably didn’t make up the text himself.

        What it does demonstrate is that, even in that very early period, there was a lot of disagreement between early followers and writers about what Jesus said or not. The current texts are nothing but the result of the Catholic Church choosing one version, then suppressing all others.

    • Antinomian

      “And considering that Jeebus spent so much time hanging around with a group of unmarried young men, I think he might not have said much of anything to Ellen.”

      Maybe not on ManLove Monday, but on Drag Tuesday he’d ask for make-up tips.

    • Houndentenor

      What’s funny is that the Jesus we read about would seem to be at odds with the people who claim to follow him. Who are the “money-changers” now? I’m picturing him going all Rambo on one of those mega-churches on live TV. Meanwhile hanging out with hookers and drug addicts and yes the gays. It’s like people like this pastor have never bothered to read the gospels.

  • WallofSleep

    Oddly enough, Mary Magdalene could not be reached for comment.

    • pagansister

      Mary Magdalene who wasn’t even a “lady of the evening” until the Catholic’s got hold of things!

  • Jacob

    “Get under my authority!”

    This makes me laugh much more than it should.

    • http://gloomcookie613.tumblr.com GloomCookie613

      I heard it in Cartman’s voice. So it was more like “Get unda mah authorahtay!”

      • Miss_Beara

        Thats what I thought too. :)

  • Randomfactor

    She already covered that in her stand-up act. He’d make jokes about her last name.

  • Bdole

    “Girls can be gay?”

  • DKeane123

    I can’t listen to him speak – he tries to hard to make this sermon sound hip…

  • J_M_Green

    Maybe Ellen might ask Jesus what the deal was with the disciple John (whom he loved) reclining on Jesus’ chest, and Judas kissing Jesus tenderly (Matthew 26:49 ISV).

  • Mario Strada

    Lame sermon. Can’t stand the guy. I’d rather give myself a root canal then listen to this guy. Lame, lame, lame.

  • jose

    My arguments didn’t work? Okay, what if I summon a super powerful, imaginary being who agrees with me on everything? Surely that will do the trick.

    Damn, the religious are so deluded. It’s so sad.

  • LesterBallard

    “I’m dead”.

  • Miss_Beara

    “…”

    *crickets*

  • Lee Miller

    Bad clothes, bad voice, bad styles . . . yet the faithful hang on his every word. How can people not get that these pastors/preachers/ministers/priests/whatever are totally disconnected from the real world? Who talks like that? Who looks like that? And what a HIDEOUS backdrop behind him . . .

  • Houndentenor

    Interesting that none of the known gospels attribute any such quotations to Jesus. If it were that important, you’d think he’d have mentioned it enough to make it into the canonical gospels? Meanwhile Jesus is quoted as having a lot to say about divorce. Maybe he should have that conversation with the many divorced Americans. That way he could actually quote the Bible instead of making up stuff that it doesn’t say.

  • Hellsgift2u

    I think he would say.. My father is one of and above nature, and so are you and I. Anything against the natural law of life is to questioned. Go now with open hearts as I love the blessed bit within you burried behind bliss and sin…

  • Hellsgift2u

    IOk

  • pagansister

    So happy the mighty pastor can speak for JC! Really? Did a huge sheet of paper fall out of the sky, into his back yard, with the heading: My thoughts on Ellen—Read to all at your next “show”, I mean “sermon”. Self righteous SOB, huh?

  • Carmelita Spats

    Forget Jesus. The more pressing matter is Ed’s wardrobe and makeup. Ed Young looks like the unfortunate offspring of Christopher Walken and Skeletor. His clothes are HIDEOUS. The purple shirt makes Baby Jesus cry and RUINS Ed’s complexion. Skinny jeans? The Mormon-esque haircut makes him look more than a little bit sad and lost and unhinged. He needs Ellen’s wardrobe team.

    • Brian M

      SKELETOR! I so see that. He really does look like He-Man’s nemesis.

  • Carmelita Spats

    Ed Young looks awful.

  • Carmelita Spats

    Ed Young looks just awful.

  • Athen Mccombs

    Or maybe Jesus would say “love one another” as it says in John.

  • GENDER-LESS-IN-THE-SPIRIT

    Jesus would say, “That Pastor is from Texas!” Then, after he laughed Jesus would tell me,
    “Look Christianity is a broken-telephone-game. My simple message of love has been deleted from hearts. My message never addressed homosexuality. People are using my buddy Paul’s message to the Greeks. He was writing about Temple prostitution and the message is now interrupted, 2000 years later to refer to homosexuals who want to love and be committed in marriage.

    “Lord,” I said, “I want to enter the Kingdom.”

    “So did the tricky lawyer who cornered me,” said the Lord. “I told him keep the Commandments.” He replied, “Which is the best one? I told him that all of them come down to Love God, Love Neighbour and self.

    “Lord,” I said, “Why did you then launch into theParable of the Good Samaritan?”

    Jesus answered. “He wanted to know who his neighbour was, so I picked the most despised, the most unclean of my society – the Samaritans. Do you know that if the shadow of a Samaritan passed over the shadow of a Jew, that Jew would have to be purified in the Temple?”

    “Lord, would homosexuals be the ‘Samaritans of today?”
    “Yes.”
    “And you made one a hero.”
    “Any one who suffers for righeousness sake and is persecuted is a hero. I said that in what you have termed “The Beatitudes.”
    “So you love, me, Lord; a married lesbian from Canada.”
    “I love everyone. Start the telephone game again, and let’s get it right.”


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