How Has Nobody Created This Product Yet?

Mike Hoey thinks entrepreneurs should really capitalize on products for the religious masses:

So many products could dominate the marketplace with the King of Jews as their pitch man. Why drink bottled water when you can drink holy bottled water? Whose face do you want to see on your angel food cake? The point is, this is capitalism and no one is cashing in.

Seriously. So many missed opportunities.

You can do it with anything, too.

Diet Pepsi?

Deity Pepsi. BOOM!

Someone pay me.

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the chair of Foundation Beyond Belief and a high school math teacher in the suburbs of Chicago. He began writing the Friendly Atheist blog in 2006. His latest book is called The Young Atheist's Survival Guide.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    When we go boating in the summer, my family would love to have fun with some “Jesus walks on water” brand of water-skis!

    The tagline could be “holy Christ, did you see me today on the lake?”

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    How about some “Virgin Mary brand condoms”*?

    *not guaranteed to be effective against supernatural sperm.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    G.O.D.
    Guaranteed Overnight Delivery:
    You can count on GOD to get your package there on time!*

    * Unless prevented by an Act of God.

    • Edmond

      office printers not included.

    • Artor

      Global Omnipresent Delivery

    • RowanVT

      General Obfuscation Device

    • Lurker111

      Um, you DO realize that there already is a delivery company by that name, right? I see their trucks occasionally in Richmond, Va.

      • http://twitter.com/amandajhelling Amanda Helling

        Um, you DO realize that people all over the country read this blog, and that could easily be a regional company (with no search engine optimization skills), right?

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

        Absolutely, that’s where I got the idea to give them an explicitly God-based tagline.

  • Zoe
  • decathelite

    They already have Ezekial 4:9 bread, though it’s too bad they don’t name it Ezekial 4:9-12 bread.

    • http://twitter.com/tardis_blue Tardis_blue

      I buy some of their products. It irks, but they make the only safe english muffins my son can eat, and they’re good, too. *shrug*

      • baal

        Maybe the modern product but the cooking method of the biblical stuff depends on what religion you’re serving.

    • OverlappingMagisteria

      It is very much worth looking up Ezekial 4:9-12

      • The Other Weirdo

        I always do what random Interwebz denizens tell me to do. So I looked it up. It’s about bread. So what?

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    “Holy Rollers Christian Casino”…

    where it is mandatory that you give us at least 10% of your income. All winnings can be collected… after death.

  • Mark W.

    Blood of Christ Winery…body of Christ and cheese free at all of out tastings.

  • Mark W.

    Sermon on the Mountain Dew…all new Fishes and Loaves flavor.

    • Artor

      Mmm…yeasty fish sauce. I’ll pass, thanks.

  • Conspirator

    There’s a company called “Jesus Jeans” that has been getting some press lately because they are trying to enforce their trademark for using the name Jesus with clothing. Apparently Jesus isn’t concerned a common term and can be protected that way.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

      There is actually a store called “true religion Brand jeans”. It doesn’t say which religion they consider to be “true”.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/GodVlogger?feature=mhee GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    “I am the way and the light” lightbulbs.

  • cag

    Religious movement laxatives.

    • Witchgawd

      help cleanse your body of that concentrated evil.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

    Jesus created this after being angered by the money changers in the temple. It’s in the book of John, chapter 2, verse 15. Most versions are corrupt, replacing “miracle whip” with “whip of cords,” “cat o’ nine tails,” or something similar. Don’t be led astray. It has been revealed to me, and now, thanks to this post, others may also find the truth.

    • Renshia

      isn’t that right over the sharp cliff?

  • C Peterson

    Is there a difference between “holy bottled water” and “bottled holy water”? Great religious schisms have occurred over smaller issues!

    • http://criticallyskeptic-dckitty.blogspot.com Katherine Lorraine

      Well yes, of course there is.

      “Holy bottled water” is what Robin would say to Batman.

  • Sinfanti

    I’ve always wanted to a see a Jesus-themed beverage with the tagline “King of the Juice.”

    • JohnnieCanuck

      Made from reconstituted orange juice and with added Vitamin goodness.

    • http://mittenatheist.blogspot.com/ Kari Lynn

      Powerthirst!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jen.padgett.3 Jen Padgett

    Oh My brother is a funny man!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

    “Oh God!” strap on, vibrator and sex toy products.

    • Graham Martin-Royle

      ROFLMAO!

    • http://abb3w.livejournal.com/ abb3w

      The law of supply and demand and the Internet have gotten together and pretty much anticipated your NSFW notion.

  • Rain

    I’ll stick with HELLmann’s, thank you very much. I actually think Miracle Whip is the worst food invention since “cheese food product”.

    • Renshia

      You should burn in hell for that comment.

    • allein

      I’m am right there with you on HELLman’s. My grandmother used to use miracle whip (I refuse to even capitalize it!) in tuna. Just gross.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

      i am having a BLT in Hell right now, in your honor. oh, jeebus. my eyes are leaking.

  • roberthughmclean

    How about toothpicks made in a cross shape with little edible jesus attached? Make it a high fibre jesus for wholesome goodness and three birds can be sacrificed at once! A (small) meal, dental health and the strange cannibal thingy so loved by the catholics.

  • Jan Kafka

    Jesus saves…@Holy Trinity Credit Union.

  • David B.

    How about a range of dairy products sourced from the Holy Land itself?
    “Cheeses of Nazareth.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chengis-Khan/100003317165064 Chengis Khan

    Have we talked to our lawyers yet? Pepsi and Kraft are god-abiding products – slimy, slippery, unhealthy and addictive…

  • m_w_wood

    The thing about Miracle Whip never carrying a religious symbol is because the ingredients mainly include eggs and oil. Eggs are not to be touched, only by god or through a god implanting with spermatozoa. And everyone knows that oil is a commodity to be used for driving the economy and jobs and cars. Glory Hallelujah, can I get an amen…

  • rich h