How Has Nobody Created This Product Yet?

Mike Hoey thinks entrepreneurs should really capitalize on products for the religious masses:

So many products could dominate the marketplace with the King of Jews as their pitch man. Why drink bottled water when you can drink holy bottled water? Whose face do you want to see on your angel food cake? The point is, this is capitalism and no one is cashing in.

Seriously. So many missed opportunities.

You can do it with anything, too.

Diet Pepsi?

Deity Pepsi. BOOM!

Someone pay me.

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    When we go boating in the summer, my family would love to have fun with some “Jesus walks on water” brand of water-skis!

    The tagline could be “holy Christ, did you see me today on the lake?”

  • GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    How about some “Virgin Mary brand condoms”*?

    *not guaranteed to be effective against supernatural sperm.

  • GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    Guaranteed Overnight Delivery:
    You can count on GOD to get your package there on time!*

    * Unless prevented by an Act of God.

  • Zoe
  • decathelite

    They already have Ezekial 4:9 bread, though it’s too bad they don’t name it Ezekial 4:9-12 bread.

  • GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    “Holy Rollers Christian Casino”…

    where it is mandatory that you give us at least 10% of your income. All winnings can be collected… after death.

  • Edmond

    office printers not included.

  • Mark W.

    Blood of Christ Winery…body of Christ and cheese free at all of out tastings.

  • Mark W.

    Sermon on the Mountain Dew…all new Fishes and Loaves flavor.

  • Conspirator

    There’s a company called “Jesus Jeans” that has been getting some press lately because they are trying to enforce their trademark for using the name Jesus with clothing. Apparently Jesus isn’t concerned a common term and can be protected that way.

  • GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    “I am the way and the light” lightbulbs.

  • cag

    Religious movement laxatives.

  • GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    There is actually a store called “true religion Brand jeans”. It doesn’t say which religion they consider to be “true”.

  • m6wg4bxw

    Jesus created this after being angered by the money changers in the temple. It’s in the book of John, chapter 2, verse 15. Most versions are corrupt, replacing “miracle whip” with “whip of cords,” “cat o’ nine tails,” or something similar. Don’t be led astray. It has been revealed to me, and now, thanks to this post, others may also find the truth.

  • C Peterson

    Is there a difference between “holy bottled water” and “bottled holy water”? Great religious schisms have occurred over smaller issues!

  • Tardis_blue

    I buy some of their products. It irks, but they make the only safe english muffins my son can eat, and they’re good, too. *shrug*

  • Sinfanti

    I’ve always wanted to a see a Jesus-themed beverage with the tagline “King of the Juice.”

  • Jen Padgett

    Oh My brother is a funny man!

  • JohnnieCanuck

    Made from reconstituted orange juice and with added Vitamin goodness.

  • chicago dyke

    “Oh God!” strap on, vibrator and sex toy products.

  • OverlappingMagisteria

    It is very much worth looking up Ezekial 4:9-12

  • Artor

    Global Omnipresent Delivery

  • Artor

    Mmm…yeasty fish sauce. I’ll pass, thanks.

  • Rain

    I’ll stick with HELLmann’s, thank you very much. I actually think Miracle Whip is the worst food invention since “cheese food product”.

  • roberthughmclean

    How about toothpicks made in a cross shape with little edible jesus attached? Make it a high fibre jesus for wholesome goodness and three birds can be sacrificed at once! A (small) meal, dental health and the strange cannibal thingy so loved by the catholics.

  • Renshia

    You should burn in hell for that comment.

  • Renshia

    isn’t that right over the sharp cliff?

  • RowanVT

    General Obfuscation Device

  • Graham Martin-Royle


  • Katherine Lorraine

    Well yes, of course there is.

    “Holy bottled water” is what Robin would say to Batman.

  • Jan Kafka

    Jesus saves…@Holy Trinity Credit Union.

  • David B.

    How about a range of dairy products sourced from the Holy Land itself?
    “Cheeses of Nazareth.”

  • Kari Lynn


  • Witchgawd

    help cleanse your body of that concentrated evil.

  • Lurker111

    Um, you DO realize that there already is a delivery company by that name, right? I see their trucks occasionally in Richmond, Va.

  • abb3w

    The law of supply and demand and the Internet have gotten together and pretty much anticipated your NSFW notion.

  • baal

    Maybe the modern product but the cooking method of the biblical stuff depends on what religion you’re serving.

  • Chengis Khan

    Have we talked to our lawyers yet? Pepsi and Kraft are god-abiding products – slimy, slippery, unhealthy and addictive…

  • Amanda Helling

    Um, you DO realize that people all over the country read this blog, and that could easily be a regional company (with no search engine optimization skills), right?

  • GodVlogger (on YouTube)

    Absolutely, that’s where I got the idea to give them an explicitly God-based tagline.

  • allein

    I’m am right there with you on HELLman’s. My grandmother used to use miracle whip (I refuse to even capitalize it!) in tuna. Just gross.

  • The Other Weirdo

    I always do what random Interwebz denizens tell me to do. So I looked it up. It’s about bread. So what?

  • m_w_wood

    The thing about Miracle Whip never carrying a religious symbol is because the ingredients mainly include eggs and oil. Eggs are not to be touched, only by god or through a god implanting with spermatozoa. And everyone knows that oil is a commodity to be used for driving the economy and jobs and cars. Glory Hallelujah, can I get an amen…

  • chicago dyke

    i am having a BLT in Hell right now, in your honor. oh, jeebus. my eyes are leaking.

  • rich h