Forget the Lottery; Pat Robertson’s Gonna Give Me a Million Dollars!

I know times are tough right now. There are lots of people out there unemployed or underemployed, many of whom are struggling to make ends meet.

It would take a special kind of Christian to exploit those who are living hand-to-mouth, right?

God is going to supply a million dollars, somebody is praying right now, right this second, you’re praying for a million dollars, and God said, “I have heard your prayer, I know your need, and I’m going to supply the need that you’ve requested.” It’s done, in Jesus’ name.

Aww, thanks for stepping up and taking on that role, Pat Robertson!

A million dollars?! I would love a million dollars! Do you think God is thinking about me?

Does this remind anyone else of when David Cassidy would have an interview in Tiger Beat and say something like, “I’m just looking for that special girl who can make me laugh and likes to snuggle on lazy Sunday mornings,” and every 15-year-old girl in 1972 just knew he was talking about her?

Or maybe it reminds you of adults living in the suburbs who spent a little too much over Christmas and really need to pay down those credit card bills and assume God cares more about their mild debt than the 25,000 people who will starve to death today?

Anyway, I hope someone does get a million dollars, but it turns out to be like the Monkey’s Paw and the money is cursed!  And Pat Robertson will use that person’s tragedy as a teaching moment to not ask God for stuff!  And then when people pray, they’ll be afraid to ask for anything specific because now they think God is a super passive-aggressive jerk and don’t know how to treat him anymore.

Or, more likely, no one is going to get a million dollars by praying. Because it doesn’t work.

Unless you’re Pat Robertson, of course.

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • Usman Bello

    Unless it also includes a fridge with a padlock, and, oh yes, huge pectoral muscles, count me uninterested.

  • Kenneth Polit

    Pat Robertson is nothing but a con artist; just like ALL clergy. Just because you believe the lie yourself doesn’t mean you’re sincere, although it does make it easier to bilk the gullible

  • Rain

    If one million people gave me one million dollars each, I would have one trillion dollars.

  • Travis Myers

    Yeah I had a friend who claimed that he knew people who had prayed for money, and then received a check in the mail. I always wondered where exactly the money came from; and if it actually came from God, would it cause inflation? There’s a reason the U.S. treasury doesn’t just print a bunch of money to help poor people; presumably God would understand this too.

  • anniewhoo

    Jesus! Pick me, pick me!! Textbook example of how religion preys upon those in need.

  • Jonas

    From a MAD Magazine Cartoon –

    Genie grants a man one wish:

    What do you want ?
    1 Million Dollars

    When Do you Want it?

    How Do you Want it ?
    In Cash

    Huge Pile of coins falls on, and crushes man.

    Stupid: – You couldn’t have taken a check.

  • Ryan Malone

    It’s cursed, but it comes with a FREE FROGURT.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    As someone who is in need of financial help big time I truly wish it was this easy. I’ve thought about taking a dollar and buying a lottery ticket or even a single scratch ticket but I know I’m better off holding onto it.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    If it truly worked I would be on my knees right now praying till the sun came up.

  • Brian Westley

    Maybe that’s where all the change that falls into couch cushions goes to…

  • LesterBallard

    No, it doesn’t take a special kind of Christian to exploit those who are living hand to mouth. It just takes your average kind of Christian. At the very least, your average kind of Christian Pastor.

  • mikespeir

    Dang. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t the one praying for the mil. ;-(

  • trj

    Once again the theological distinction between God and Santa Claus is blurred.

  • PutinRasputin

    Are we sure he wasn’t speaking metaphorically? As in, God will give you something great and amazing, as great and amazing as a million dollars?

  • Kaylya

    There actually almost certainly will be someone who was praying right then for money who will get a windfall of some sort. There’s lots of people playing lotteries, and a few of them will win big, and others will inherit money. Of course, there;s a whole lot more people who are praying just as hard, with an even greater need, who won’t. The ones who win will thank God, and the ones who don’t will just keep praying…

  • Achron Timeless

    Pft, and they say buying a lotto ticket has shitty odds. I think we finally found something worse.

  • Artor

    Hey, it works for Pat. He prays to his imaginary friend, and the cash keeps rolling in. How rich is Robertson? A multi-millionaire, for sure. Everybody should be an ignorant, bigoted televangelist, and Gawd will provide!

  • Artor

    Robertson is too stupid to understand metaphors.

  • Artor

    Because Gawd has demonstrated so much concern for the stability of human institutions? Right…

  • Spencer

    Exactly. As long as somebody is as vague and non-specific as possible, they will almost always be at least partly right. Religion thrives on vagueness.

  • cipher

    Yes, but the Frogurt is also cursed!

  • cipher

    I’d love it if someone got the money and donated it to the Freedom From Religion Foundation or the Secular Student Alliance, then advertized the fact.

    Of course, Pat would just claim he was talking about someone else who got a million dollars.

  • Houndentenor

    Robertson has been doing this since at least the mid 70s. His audience is almost entirely over 70 and he begs them to send him part of their social security check. It’s revolting. He’s not the only one either. He’s famous for his segues from gay rights to pedophiles to begging for money. He lives like a king on other people’s “fixed incomes”. What a douchebag.

  • Gus Snarp

    Someone is going to get a million dollars – Pat Roberson. That’s why he does the show, after all, because all those viewers mail in checks, and the next thing you know, God has taken care of Pat’s desperate NEED for a million dollars.