Sex Education: Jesus Edition

March 2, 2013 By 36 Comments

I don’t know what’s worse: The AIDS joke, the bad advice, or the idea that women thousands of years ago probably wanted to jump Jesus:

(via Everything Is Terrible)

Filed Under: General, Humor, Love 36 Comments
About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the chair of Foundation Beyond Belief and a high school math teacher in the suburbs of Chicago. He began writing the Friendly Atheist blog in 2006. His latest book is called The Young Atheist's Survival Guide.

  • coyotenose

    Two and a half minutes of HOW DARE YOU BE A WOMAN YOU TRAMP. What a nasty person.

  • http://www.facebook.com/travis.myers.102977 Travis Myers

    The AIDS joke is definitely the worst.

    • flyb

      I LOL’d at it. Guess I’m going to hell.

  • http://twitter.com/GreenEyedLilo Jayelle

    The AIDS joke is absolutely disgusting. This was painful to sit through for 2 1/2 minutes, nevermind the amount of time it probably took before editing. The montage of “no”s was really striking. And I love how she tells growing girls, who sometimes end up with their clothes tighter or shorter than they used to be, how shameful their bodies are. Nasty and vile, and horrible for both genders.

  • observer

    “It’s because I have aids”
    Oh… ó_ò

    “Visual aids, and I want to show those to you right now. *circus-like music plays*”
    ¬_¬ …

    Oh great, she’s one of those presenters.

  • http://www.facebook.com/silvia.ribeiro.754918 Silvia Ribeiro

    Wow…just wow. But on a side note I think I’ll wear a tight top and have my man (who I’m not married to) fondle by breasts…mmmm fondling

    • observer

      You’re a rebel.

    • coyotenose

      I am wholly in support of this post, but can’t think of any witty way to say so that isn’t creepy. Not as creepy as the video above, no not nearly THAT creepy, but creepy enough.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

      Does he get to play tune in Tokyo?

    • CelticWhisper

      I support this idea. Just make sure you do it on a Sunday morning when you’re supposed to be in church.

  • busterggi

    Christian burka culture at its finest.

    • nkendall

      Derpa derpa Jesus crusades?

  • Tim

    Premarital sex is SO wrong… unless of course you are god and decide to impregnate a 14 year old virgin with your spirit-wang. THAT is OK. Following the natural urges that lead to procreation however, well thats super evil.

    • Carmelita Spats

      It’s worse than that…Yahweh impregnates a teen with Himself (since Father and Son are ONE) so that premarital sex can be forgiven through the suicidal sacrifice of Himself to Himself…The Lard is mysterious!

      • Achron Timeless

        Praise JaaaaySUS!

      • Tom

        Without asking her permission, either; it’s strange how many people don’t find that aspect of the story noteworthy.

        • observer

          It’s because they don’t understand the concept of consent.

          • Kevin Beach

            If I recall, she said “I am the handmaid of The Lord.” It’s consent, god was on good behavior by biblical standards.

    • Randay

      The woman thinks of having only 10 minutes alone with Jeezus? I guess Jeezus is not much for foreplay. In her “myth #3″ she looks like she’s imitating a blow job. For better advice given in a humorous way, see “Midwest Teen Sex Show” at their dotcom site or /results?search_query=midwest+teen+sex+show&search_type=&aq=f

  • http://twitter.com/H_E_Sarah Mel Johansson

    But she’s so hip! She says things like “all that and a bag of chips” and “homie don’t play that”!
    If there were a God–If I were God–she would have an instant “be careful what you wish for” consequence for that AIDS joke.

    • named

      I’d be satisfied with Homey D. Clown smacking her upside the head.

      Making light of all the people suffering and dying from AIDS around the world… Homey don’t play dat!

  • advancedatheist

    I just have to laugh when a christian woman implies that Jesus had game, but he chose not to use it to seduce women.

    Though the Mary Magdalene character makes me wonder. She appears on the scene in all four versions of the empty tomb story, supposedly with the intention of anointing Jesus’ putrefying naked body in a culture which had taboos regulating both the handling of corpses and physical contacts between unmarried men and women. If she had married Jesus during his earthly life and had sexual relations with him, her comfort with the task would make more sense.

  • Sue Blue

    Why is this trollop wearing tight-fitting jeans?!?! I would think camel-toes are just as horrific and offensive to God as cleavage or bare midriffs! AND she has short hair – how can she possibly be a good Christian woman? The horror!!

    • Big_Ol_Al

      Because her ass is the size of a dwarf-planet. Any jeans will be tight fitting.

  • Sue Blue

    And what about hot young men walking around shirtless, wearing their pants falling off their hips so their butt-crack shows or wearing Speedos or just filling out their jeans in an eye-catching manner? Not that I’m complaining…but doesn’t God care about how men tempt women and other men?

    • Baby_Raptor

      No, because men are penis owners, like God himself. Therefore they are completely innocent of any sexual wrongdoing.

      • pagansister

        But are you absolutely sure GOD has a penis? Has anyone actually SEEN it?

        • Baby_Raptor

          I haven’t, and I wouldn’t want to. I was just offering the reasoning this woman would give Ms. Blue for her question.

  • Graham Martin-Royle

    And why is it only women that have to beware of how they dress? Or behave? Talk about sexist claptrap.

  • Graham Martin-Royle

    And why is it only women that have to beware of how they dress? Or behave? Talk about sexist claptrap.

  • McAtheist

    Hmmmm, she wears make up (whore!), and adorns herself with jewelery (whore!), and wears male clothing (whore & sinner!), that blouse looks like a polyester blend (sinner!). And those jeans are pretty tight around her butt, and, I am pretty sure I got a glimpse of ‘camel toe’.

    • McAtheist

      Oops, just reviewed comments again, Sue Blue caught that stuff previously

  • advancedatheist

    The atheist version of this talk doesn’t necessarily make more sense. The speaker might warn godless women about the dangers of going to atheist conventions in hotels and using the elevators.

  • MAO

    I can’t believe the ignorance of this woman. What a self hating moron. All I can say is we need more science literacy in this country. I don’t know why it’s 2013, the age of scientific wonder, and people are still afraid that the sky monster might send them to the fire basement for touching their tingling no-no place. Videos like this are sort of funny, but when you think about the overall effect that they have on defenseless children, you start to realize that the acceptance of this sort of idea by vulnerable kids is eventually going to lead to some sort of psychological disorder when they hit puberty. The belief that you should fear sexual contact is guaranteed to cause trauma. I’m surprised she didn’t tell the crowd to hold back their urge to poop so one day they can be as full of shit as the bible is. Play THAT you crazy Catholic ho! Boo-Yah!

  • qbsmd

    I’m aware of Poe’s Law, so I can’t be sure, but that really looks like a parody to me. First, the actress looks familiar; could this be an SNL skit that didn’t make TV or something? Second, I’m not familiar with “Everything is Terrible”, but it really sounds like a satire site. And third, the music and jokes. Either this was intended as satire, or the “Everything is Terrible” people edited the original and made it indistinguishable from satire.

  • Gus Snarp

    I have to wonder at the person who edited this together though. You’d think they’d have only used the awful bits and ended on the most awful, but her last slide and comment were, in my opinion, dead on. It is a myth that a girl (or woman, or whoever) needs a boyfriend to be “somebody” or that a boyfriend will solve all their problems, and it is a harmful myth that a lot of people seem to believe. And that whole Jerry Maguire “you complete me” thing makes me want to gag, too.