God Now Making His Presence Known In Goldfish Crackers

Guys, you know that I can be pretty skeptical. You might even go as far as to call me cynical. But seriously… what follows is a miracle that will be discussed for years and generations and centuries to come.

You see, Goldfish cracker-enthusiast and Florida native Patti Burke has discovered the next Virgin Mary grilled cheese phenomenon.

Behold: the cracker that contains a sign from god:

I’ll give you a moment to recover from the awe.

Okay, pull it together.

“I believe that it’s a sign, a sign from God,” Patti Burke told WKMG. “He is still in our life every day, and he wants to show that to his people.”

The cracker in question has two markings, or imperfections, on its surface. Burke says the first marking is of a cross with a circle around it. The second marking, near the head of the fish, represents a golden crown.

Funny, I describe it as “The top of a Phillips-head screw and a dent.” But, hey, maybe I’m just being cynical.

Burke discovered the cracker — one of the “between two and three pounds of the crackers [she eats] per week” — as she inspected “each one for the optimal amount of savory coating.” She now carries it around with her in a gauze-filled earring box.

Here is my favorite part of the article:

At first, she thought maybe she had won a special promotion from cracker manufacturer Pepperidge Farm.

“They called me back and said there’s no way this could have been printed like that in the factory,” Burke told KSAT. “They said it sounds like something miraculous happened and we don’t know how it happened.”

(That comment has not been confirmed by Pepperidge Farm.)

Burke isn’t alone in thinking that this cracker is magical. Her pastor, D. Scott Worth, totally has her back on this:

“I think it’s a sign,” Worth told WKMG. “I think it points to, I would hesitate to call it a miracle, but I think it points to the miracle, which is Jesus Christ defeated death. And that’s what Easter is all about.

Yes, pastor. That’s what Easter is all about. Jesus rose from the dead so that 2000-some-odd years later, he could bring us his message in the form of a couple dents in a mass-produced cheese-flavored, fish-shaped snack.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a box of Cheez-Its to polish off and I can’t wait to meet my maker.

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • Fargofan

    “I would hesitate to call it a miracle.” The most sensible line in the article.

  • cipher

    It’s a tragedy these people are allowed to reproduce.

  • C Peterson

    I wonder how many babies in Africa died of AIDS while God was dicking around with the screws in a cracker machine…

    On the positive side, every moment he devotes to little practical jokes like this is a moment when he’s not creating an earthquake or plague somewhere.

    • CultOfReason

      What makes you think God can’t multitask?

      • NoYourGod

        Yeah – god can kill babies through neglect/maliciousness AND dick around with Phillips-head screws all at the same time!

      • C Peterson

        True… that explains the purpose of the trinity. The father fucks up people’s lives, the son tries to fix things, and the holy ghost is just out playing mind games at cracker and tortilla factories. Now I get it!

        • cipher

          Don’t forget diners. He seems to do some of his best work in pancakes and grilled cheese.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        *quietly looks around at the fucked up state of the world*
        *raises one eyebrow*

      • Matthew Delemos

        Well, a diety named “God” would have to exist to be able to be considered a multitasker, wouldn’t he? So that’s why I don’t “think” he can.

        • CultOfReason

          Of course. We were only talking hypotheticals.

  • flyb

    The cross-in-a-circle icon is the logo of the Ku Klux Klan.

    • Marco Conti

      When I was growing up in Italy, I saw the cross in a circle spray painted all over certain neighborhoods in Rome. It’s called the Celtic Cross and in Italy was used by far right organizations.

      • flyb

        Yeah, it’s funny how people like this lady see things though their own narrow lenses. As someone else pointed out in this thread, the symbol is also the logo of the X-Men. It’s rather amusing to think of this woman carrying around a cracker with a comic/hate group/Italian far right org logo on it (when obviously it’s just a screw-head imprint).

  • CT

    That will teach me to buy generic.

  • A3Kr0n

    She eats between 2-3 POUNDS of crackers a week? I wanna picture!
    Inspects each one to the optimal amount of savory coating? I wanna see a picture!
    Ya, it’s a screw dent…

    • baal

      I was wondering how long it took as well. #nothingbettertodo.

  • http://www.facebook.com/garret.brown.7 Garret Shane Brown

    Let’s say you have the power of the christian god for a minute. Would you rather: appear on a grilled cheese/goldfish cracker or provide every culture with incredible evidence for yourself and create world peace?

    • John Small Berries

      Well, whenever I ask for some actual evidence for God’s existence, I get smugly told that God won’t provide evidence, because he wants people to believe in him by faith alone, and evidence destroys faith. (Never mind that the tales in the Bible are chock full of God and/or Jesus producing miracles to demonstrate their existence and/or divinity. That was a different Dispensation, God no longer does that, yadda yadda bullshit.)

      So I guess a god who hobbles himself in that fashion must logically be reduced to showing his presence through heating patterns on toast, or iridescent mineral deposits on glass, or an impression of some piece of equipment on a mass-produced snack, because only those who are already predisposed to believe in his existence will see such rubbish as valid evidence.

    • sane37

      World peace is the last thing you need when your religion depends on suffering and fear for recruitment.
      Believe in ***** and after you die life will get better.
      vs
      Invest in ***** stocks and after you die your investments will mature

      sounds like life insurance – the one who’s covered never gets to cash the cheque.

  • DougI

    Christians will worship anything, including crackers. Heck, the Catholic church makes it a point to worship crackers. Yet they want to be taken seriously.

    • Rain

      The fish looks like Mahatma Gandhi. I don’t think Mahatma Gandhi was Catholic.

  • http://twitter.com/docslacker MD

    Dude, that’s the X-Men logo!

  • John_in_Vegas

    Attention K-Mart shoppers, don’t forget to stop by the Barbie aisle and stock up on nail polish and lipstick…

  • http://snigsfoot.blogspot.com/ Rob Crompton

    The only plausible explanation is that God was playing an April Fools joke.

  • Timmah

    I saw this on Yahoo the other day. How is this even news? Like the only “news” here is there are insane people allowed to walk free among us. Which I am already well aware of.

    • Pawel Samson

      Well Yahoo is the number one source of news for the insane, after all. Just read their comments.

  • http://friendlyatheist.com Richard Wade

    They called me back and said there’s no way this could have been printed like that in the factory,” Burke told KSAT. “They said it sounds like something miraculous happened and we don’t know how it happened.

    Of course they said that. They know that somewhere there’s a fish cracker with a loose Philips screw baked inside, waiting to be bitten into and a lawsuit coming back.

    • C Peterson

      Loose screws… I think you’re onto something here.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Oh, loose screws explains a LOT about this one.

    • Stev84

      Maybe they are also hoping other idiots buy their crackers in hope for more miracle fish

    • Marco Conti

      It looks more like the fish was pressed onto a recessed screw when it was still soft. I don;t think there is a risk of finding a phillips screw in a goldfish.

  • newavocation

    The food industry is missing a great promotion opportunity. Instead of a free prize inside every box, you should get a free savior instead!

    • Phil

      Better yet, get some crackpot half-baked preacher to do an endorsement. Advertise “free absolution of your sins with every package purchased.”

      Why should churches be the only ones exploiting and profiteering from the superstitious?

      • http://www.facebook.com/brian.westley Brian Westley

        “With fives loaves and just two goldfish crackers, you can feed multitudes*!”

        *(limited to 2-person multitudes)

    • allein

      So it’s really a saviory, not savory, coating?

  • Carmelita Spats

    The Catholic Church owns all the rights to Christ-In-A-Cracker. It’s called “transubstantiation”. It’s the REAL body of a 2,000-year-old virgin carpenter. Honestly, the Catholic cracker is usually stale and leaves a nasty aftertaste. Jesus tastes like chicken. The Vatican might want to strike a deal with Pepperidge Farms and use their goldfish crackers to spice up the soggy communion experience with these flavors: pizza, cheddar, plain, jalapeno, pretzel, etc. They might want to upgrade Christ’s blood as well. Jagermeister?

    • allein

      I’ve only had a Catholic host once; I thought it tasted like styrofoam. At least the church I grew up in used real bread.

      • CT

        You were Catholic?

        • allein

          No.

          • CT

            Then you probably shouldn’t have had one of the wafers. To a Catholic, that would be the same as breaking into a synagogue and randomly grabbing the Torah from the Aron Kodesh. The best way to make a point is not to act like the worst of those we routinely condemn.

            • allein

              I was a child at the time. It was at my cousin’s first communion, I think, so I would have been around 9. Nobody said anything about those of us who weren’t Catholic not taking it and we were just going with the flow.

              • CT

                You have quite a memory of a single event. I can’t remember how most things tasted more than a year or so later. It must have made quite an impression.

                • allein

                  Not really, just one of those things I remember. I also remember I didn’t like the wine. It was probably the first time I was ever at a church service other than my own (except maybe a wedding or two).

                • http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_Pink_Unicorn Anna

                  For the record, non-Catholics can perfectly legitimately eat non-consecrated wafers. They’re just not supposed to eat them after they’ve been “transformed” by the priest.

                  Of course, it’s not like anyone is keeping tabs. As Allein’s experience shows, anyone can go up to the altar and get one, and the person giving out the host has no way of knowing whether or not the person in question is Catholic.

                • http://twitter.com/butterflyfish_ Heidi McClure

                  I had communion when I was 11 or so. I was never Catholic. I had spent the night at a friend’s house and her mom sent me up for communion. And I remember what it tasted like. Those styrofoam-like things they used to make candy “flying saucers” out of back in ye Olde Country Stores. I’m sorry you have a bad memory.

            • allein

              “The best way to make a point is not to act like the worst of those we routinely condemn.”
              Really? Eating a bit of bread and wine along with everyone else in the room is equivalent to the worst representatives of religion? (And what in my original post implied that I was trying to make some sort of point in doing it?)

              • CT

                Yes, because it isn’t just bread and wine to Catholics. If you don’t understand that, you have no business commenting on, or dismissing, Catholicism. I didn’t say you were making a point, I wondered if you were Catholic, since only Catholics, if I’m correct, are supposed to partake of the communion wafers and consecrated wine.

                • allein

                  I do understand that…now. I certainly didn’t understand that at 9 years old. You know why? Because no one mentioned it, even to the non-Catholic adults that were present, apparently. (And I only guess I was 9 because as far as I know first communion is at 7 and my cousin is 2 years younger.)

                  You said “The best way to make a point is…” which would imply you think I was making a point.

                • allein

                  I also don’t see what I said that “dismisses” Catholicism.

                • onamission5

                  Catholics aren’t the only ones who take communion, you know. The last time I had it at my old AoG, we had the same wafers catholics use and drank Manischewitz grape juice. Other times we had crackers instead. Big whoop.

                • Drakk

                  >> only Catholics [...] are supposed to partake of the communion wafers and consecrated wine.

                  Yes. That’s according to Catholics. Why should we play by their rules?

                • sane37

                  Just because some people like to pretend they’re cannibals while eating bread and drinking wine doesn’t mean that one can’t have a snack at the same time.

            • coyotenose

              Completely apart from you reading unimplied things into Allein’s comment and using those nonexistent elements to condemn him/her:

              - Someone who thinks that eating a Catholic host given to them is like committing breaking and entering, assault, and theft doesn’t deserve to have their feelings coddled.
              - That’s “acting like the worst” religionists? Mayhap next you should complain about how militant atheists are just as bad as those they criticize.
              - Any Catholic who compares eating a cracker you don’t believe is magic to antiSemitic violence… seriously, you need a better analogy. I’m sure they exist, but they are barely people to not cup check, let alone respect.
              -Allein wrote “At least the church I grew up in…” That statement directly refuted your criticism before you came up with it.

              • allein

                I’m a her, just FTR. ;)

              • CT

                All you’re saying is ‘screw Catholics’. That’s all. Because we stand in the shadow of the Holocaust, it’s uber-not PC to dis on Jewish religion, but doing the same to other religions? Screw them. That’s what’s called learning nothing from history, or worst, learning all the wrong lessons.

                • Scott_In_OH

                  Where on Earth are you getting “screw Catholics” out of “I’ve only had a Catholic host once; I thought it tasted like styrofoam,” followed by an explanation that it was as a 9-year-old with no malicious intent?

                • John (not McCain)

                  Are there any other pedophile rings you’re a big fan of?

            • baal

              While you’re more or less right on doctrine, I was raised Catholic and none of the priests were against visitors taking part fully in the service. It’s socially easier to shuffle and take part rather than sit in the pew while a bunch of folks walk past and bang your knees.

              • allein

                I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding about 12 years ago, which was a full Catholic mass. One of the other bridesmaids asked the bride’s mother what those of us who weren’t Catholic should do for the communion part (she was horrified at the idea that non-Catholics would take communion, which was actually the first time I realized it might be an issue; I was in my mid-20s and not really thinking much about religion one way or the oher at that point). She told us to walk up with everyone else and put our hand across our chest to let the priest know we wouldn’t be taking communion; he just gave us a quick little blessing hand gesture. Not sure if that was just because we were in the wedding party and she didn’t want us to disrupt the flow or if any of the guests did the same thing.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Styrofoam probably tastes better…

    • b s

      Actually, I’ve had hosts from several different catholic churches and they’re not all the same. Most of them probably come from some mass production factory, but I’ve had some that had a home-made taste and texture to them. Growing up, my friend’s mom would actually make small batches of communion bread for special church events.

    • Pawel Samson

      You can buy those Catholic Christ wafers from Polish grocery stores. My mom mails me some every xmas. I eat them because they kind of taste like rice mushy rice crackers… much tastier than most junk food.

      • CT

        The wafers sure. But if they’ve been consecrated, I believe Catholics view them differently.

  • Kaoru Negisa

    You see, it looks kinda like a poorly done attempt at a Captain America shield. So maybe it’s just telling her that the world is in danger and it’s time to assemble?

  • JenniferT

    Add a bit of bread and that’ll feed 2,500.

  • allein

    If a cracker doesn’t have the optimal amount of savory coating, does she throw it back?

    Also, The Cross™ is longer on the vertical than the horizontal. This is, at best, a plus sign. Perhaps this miracle was meant for the math teachers of the world and got misdirected in shipping?

    /mental note: add goldfish crackers to grocery list. yum :)

  • Rain

    It looks like Ben Kingsley.

  • allein

    Does it mean anything that several of my Pepperidge Farm Gingerman cookies seem to be missing limbs?

    • Edmond

      That’s stigmata.

    • guest

      Matthew 5:30 – And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

      Clearly, your gingerbread men are a sinful lot.

      • allein

        Lol, well they were dipped in hot chocolate which must be like the fires of hell (well, if you’re a cookie…)

  • Marco Conti

    I have not read the comment section yet nor I have googled this, but the “Cross” sign (and doesn’t the Christian cross has one arm longer than the rest? Otherwise is an X), looks to me like a Phillips screw of the approximate size and shape one would find in a conveyor belt or the innards of the extruding machine, mounted slightly recessed in the sheet metal.

    Probably, while still soft and doughy this particular fish got pressed into the screw head and got the marking. The other circle, what they call the “crown” looks like the same thing sans screw. A hole.

    This would be very easy to text by simply going to pepperidge farms and looks at the screw sizes they have in their extruding machine or conveyor belt.

    Christians have very low standards. It reminds me of the 9/11 cross. All these Christians mesmerized by the standing steel cross they naturally interpreted as a sign of God.
    Naturally, since the building was made entirely of “CrossBeams”, having one survive destruction is not such a far fetched event. Fools.

  • http://twitter.com/yjmbobllns Yojimbo Billions

    Looks like the newest member of the X-Men is the Babelfish.

    • fsm

      Maybe she should stick it in her ear and see if God talks to her.

  • http://atheistlutheran.blogspot.com/ MargueriteF

    I posted about this a few days ago. I honestly don’t know what to say about it except to feel sorry for the woman. Either she’s not quite all there, or she’s really, really desperate for her fifteen minutes of fame. What astounds me is that the media actually picked up the story. Must have been a really slow news day.

    I wear a symbol like that around my neck all the time, and I’m a little alarmed to think people may be misinterpreting it as a Christian symbol. That’s clearly not a Christian cross. When I started wearing my necklace, I had hoped everyone would recognize it as the sign of the Light from “The Dark is Rising.”

  • pagansister

    This ranks right up there with Christ in a grilled cheese sandwich or a dirty window!

  • SeekerLancer

    Looks more like the X-Men symbol to me.

    Charles Xavier be with you, my children.

  • Question Everything

    Signs that may convince a non-believer of the existence of god (but possibly aliens playing a prank) – well documented regrowth of missing limbs, direct telepathic communication with everyone on the planet at the same time, turning the ozone layer into a giant iMax screen to have a video chat, etc. Your mileage (and signs) may vary, but it’s usually something assumed to be impossible and of a grand scale.

    Signs that convince a believer that they’re absolutely correct – something easily explained as a manufacturing defect.

    I mean, I’ve seen those goldfish before. How do they explain the ones that have no eyes, or that are slightly doubled, or are missing tails, heads, or have other issues? They outnumber ones with a + sign and a circle by I would have to guess billions, based on the error rates I saw. Wouldn’t a god that wanted to communicate be doing so at a slightly higher rate?

    • cipher

      How do they explain the ones that have no eyes, or that are slightly
      doubled, or are missing tails, heads, or have other issues?

      Original sin.

      • 3lemenope

        It’s why we can’t have nice things. :)

  • JohnnieCanuck

    First the Salafis and their cross shapes in cut tomatoes and now Gold Fish. It’s another thing that Muslims should not eat because of the sorta maybe not really Christian symbolism.

    A hint to any Muslim kid reading this. Many of the least favourite vegetables like broccoli, cabbage, kale, brussels sprouts, turnip and rutabaga are Cruciferous vegetables. Their flowers have four petals and thus they too are Christian and should be avoided. Even if they do have lots of vitamins and stuff, you know, good-for-you.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Anybody else have a sudden craving for Goldfish crackers?

    • allein

      Yep!

  • http://profiles.google.com/olympia.rebus Jennifer Bourne

    Well, I suppose it could be a divine message that He thinks she’s being silly:

  • Rain

    It looks like Geraldo Rivera when he had hair, back when he was a hippie.

  • allein

    OK, this is off topic but did Disqus change the way the “Load more comments” button works? It used to just open more comments while leaving the previous ones visible; suddenly it goes to a new page of comments and sticks me at the bottom of it so I have to scroll back up to the top of the coments section, and I don’t see any way to go back to see the previous comments without reloading the whole page. wth?

    • coyotenose

      It does the same thing to me. What’s worse, the new “top” of the comments on a fresh page appears to skip by replies to the last comment of the previous page.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Hadn’t noticed it until you guys mentioned it, but, yup.

        Rather irritating.

      • allein

        Yeah…I knew it was doing something else weird but I hadn’t quite figured out what it was. I even tried it in a different browser just to see if it was my IE being weird.
        .
        Another thing I noticed just now but I got that orange “show 1 new comment” button at the top and I clicked it and it popped up a comment that I read a few hours ago, but says it was just posted 5 minutes ago. (Which I actually have seen it do before recently.) Hoping it’s all just a glitch they’re going to fix soon….

  • ImRike

    Can’t these people tell a cross from a plus-sign?

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    I always knew that those Frearson screw drivers were blasphemous!!

  • Chris Bastian

    I thought the Christian womenfolk were supposed to assume a modest cast, That’s a pretty ostentatious lip and nail color…

  • Birdie1986

    How irresponsible is it of Pepperidge Farm to say that to a customer? They just don’t want to admit that one of their crackers got squished against a screw in a machine before it was crunchy. Ugh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1351473675 Matthew Baker

    When you expect a sign or portent around every corner you generally find them around every corner.


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