Contest: What’s the Most Biblical Recipe You Know?

Reader Lauren found this recipe in a Presbyterian Church Cookbook owned by her mother-in-law:

Anyone else get a little freaked out by the Leviticus reference on the list…? Feel free to look up the ingredients yourself, but you’ll be happy to know no homosexuals were harmed in the making of this cake.

Anyway, the awesome team at Reasonist Products is offering one lucky reader a free “Richard Dawkins is my Homeboy” shirt. All you have to do is come up with a Bible-themed recipe of your own :) The more entertaining, the better, and you can interpret “Bible-themed recipe” however you’d like. A random winner will be contacted next week:

Please use the hashtag #Homeboy at the end of your entry if you’d like to be entered!

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • andy

    test comment to test disqus on cloudfront

    • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

      It seems that disqus at least handles time travel well.

  • http://boldquestions.wordpress.com/ Ubi Dubium

    Biblical recipe for “Plan B”:

    One tenth of an ephah of barley flour
    Holy water
    Dust from a floor where animals have been slaughtered for years
    Scroll of curses

    Use the scroll to dump the dust in the water. Burn the grain, drink the water. Guaranteed to cause an abortion (except when it doesn’t).

    Numbers 5:11-29

    #Homeboy

  • jdm8

    Sounds papery. And a lot like homework.

  • Sweetredtele

    Relieved that Ezekiel 4:12 didn’t make that list-although it is the most biblical recipe ever.

    • http://www.facebook.com/Funky.Uncle.Matt Matt Begley

      Mmmm, dung bread… or poopernickel.. the ultimate Sour dough
      That Book says the craziest thing.

      • Sweetredtele

        That bread is just like the bible. It’s full of shit but people still eat it up.

    • Willy Occam

      That’s better than Ezekiel 23:20.

      Keep them horses away from the pancake batter.

      Frank Zappa and St. Alphonso would be proud.

  • http://twitter.com/Womyn2me Womyn2me

    Everyone knows that a spoon full of homosexual makes the medicine go down.

  • Andrew B.

    If it’s the Bible chances are good it results in lots of suffering and death.

  • stanz2reason

    1) Take some crackers and eat them.
    2) Take some wine and drink it.
    3) Pretend it’s you.
    4) Get crucified.

    • mobathome

      I see you, and raise you one recipe for punishment.
      1) Get some bread.
      2) Buy some wine
      3) Say they’re you
      4) Get hammered.

      • stanz2reason

        Crap… I fold.

        • mobathome

          ;).

    • Spuddie

      The big problem with self-crucifixion is getting that last nail in.

    • http://www.facebook.com/Funky.Uncle.Matt Matt Begley

      It is wierd that most Catholics believe to receiving the host, eating the cracker and drinking the wine is a symbolicly consuming of the flesh and blood of Christ. That, in and of itself is fuckin’ deviantly twisted, but when I asked a preist he said that the Church’s view is that they magically turn into the actual flesh and blood of Jesus Chris as it is swollowedt… to which I said really? Jesus fuckin’ Christ man… that’s cannibalism. In reply he turned his back and walked away. on’t trust christian cooking. First off, they don’t care about hygiene of sanitation, god takes care of that for them. Then their is the cannibalism, not appitising, lets not forget cooking ever shit. And last but not least, I recentlyu deciphered the bible code… folks, it’s a very strange recipe for cool-aid.

  • decathelite

    Step 1: combine:
    2 cups Psalm 104:15
    2 cups Job 32:19
    2 cups Proverbs 20:1
    2 cups Isaiah 5:11
    2 cups Ephesians 5:18
    2 cups 1 Timothy 5:23
    2 cups Hosea

    in equal portions with 2 daughters.
    Step 2: Lay beside each of them.
    Step 3: Wait 9 months, until babby comes out.

    #Homeboy

    • http://www.facebook.com/brian.westley Brian Westley

      step 4: eat babby

    • Greg G.

      Is the last one Hosea 4:18?

      Step 2 should have some Ruth 3:4 in it. (“Feet” is a euphemism for for body parts that often have a euphemism.)

      Step 4: Deuteronomy 28:53

  • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

    What, no Genesis 19:26 for salt? (Lot’s wife)

  • Will

    Two large scoops parables
    A dash of outdated cultural norms
    One tablespoon bigotry
    A generous heaping of violence

    Interpret literally, bury head in sand and bake for 2000 years.

    #Homeboy

  • David Dunn

    Actually that last line of instructions is from the Hitler Family Ccokbook!

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

    What is a slow oven?

    • NG

      I was curious about that, too! I’ve never seen a slow oven in the stores. Must be something you can buy at a christian bookstore.

    • allein

      about 300 degrees (farenheit) apparently…why not just say that?

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oven_temperatures

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/ Kevin_Of_Bangor

        Today I learned something new.

        • allein

          Me too. :) I guess the “speed” of the oven is a relic of days before ovens had timers and thermostats and all the bells and whistles of today, and you actually had to light a fire. Which I guess if you’re making a “Biblical” recipe, it makes sense to use that terminology.

  • Greg G.

    Beat well and bake in a slow oven 325F for about 1 hour.

    That could be written “Proverbs 23:13 (or Exodus 21:20) and Daniel 3:20 at 325F for Luke 22:59.”

  • Terry Firma

    “Beat well” makes it very Leviticus.

  • Pulse

    Ritual Cleansing Recipe

    Ingredients:
    Two live birds
    Fresh water
    Hyssop
    Scarlet yarn
    Ceder wood

    Directions:
    Pour fresh water into a clay pot, and kill one of the birds, letting the blood pour into the water. Stir in the hyssop, scarlet yarn, and ceder wood. Then marinate the remaining bird in the blood/water mixture. Sprinkle some of the mixture over a disease victim seven times to forgive him for having such a sinful disease. Release the marinated bird into the wild.

    Serves one.

    Leviticus 14:1-7

    • Randay

      Damn, you beat me to it. Readers there are many more complicated instructions there. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus+14&version=NKJV

      13 Then he shall kill the lamb in the place where he kills the sin offering and the burnt offering, in a holy place; for as the sin offering is the priest’s, so is the trespass offering. It is most holy. 14 The priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it on the tip of the right ear of him who is to be cleansed, on the thumb of his right hand, and on the big toe of his right foot.

      …54 “This is the law for any leprous sore and scale, 55 for the leprosy of a garment and of a house, 56 for a swelling and a scab and a bright spot, 57 to teach when it is unclean and when it is clean. This is the law of leprosy.”

      This passage is long because for some reason the procedure is repeated four times. You save doctors’ fees, but the priest and ingredients may be expensive.

  • randall.morrison90

    You know, there is a kind of creepy anti semitic undertone to this.

    It will be interesting to see this actually devolve into a Hate Site.

    • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

      Nothing to do with the fact that the OT has a higher concentration of guano than the NT I’m sure.

      • randall.morrison90

        Q.E.D.

      • Randay

        Disagree. The NT is much shorter, so it likely has a higher concentration of guano.

    • Carmelita Spats

      There is nothing antisemitic about pointing out that crazy-ass Yahweh had a creepy Bronze Age recipe for abortion. There is nothing antisemitic about pointing out that Yahweh-the-Yahoo was never a licensed gynecologist operating under the supervision of an ethics board. Truth is neither culture nor race specific.
      Crazy Yahweh’s Morning After Pill
      Recipe:
      1 woman accused of adultery but no one is 100% sure she committed adultery because she was not “caught in the act”
      1 Hairy, knuckle dragging, sweaty, priest as per Yahweh’s usual crew on the Temple Mount
      1 Jealous Husband–His jealousy, even if unfounded, justifies dragging his wife before a misogynistic priest
      1/10 of an ephah of barley flour
      1 clay jar
      Holy Water (probably priestly urine…See Paula Deen’s recipe)
      1/4 cup of dust from the tabernacle floor (filthy from animal blood and priest excrement)
      Curses on a scroll (cuss words? ¿¿¿pinche, pendejo, cabrón…???)
      Priest says, “May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells or your womb miscarries.”

      The woman drinks the grotesque water and writhes in pain. If she is innocent, nothing happens. If she is guilty of adultery, her fetus is extricated. Praise Pro-Life Dr. Yahweh!

  • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

    The instructions include beating, and she didn’t use a Bible reference for that?!

  • Highlander

    I just want to know what god has against yeast? And since yeast is invisible and is pretty much ubiquitous in foods grown outside in the dirt how he plans to accept any of the sacrifices he demands from his primitive people who know nothing of sanitation or microscopes (thanks for the ignorance god!)?

    • Hylander

      Ok, no idea why that duplicated…

    • Isaiah Delight

      There is no god to have a opinion on yeast.

      Passover commemorates the emancipation of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt.

      It is said that when Moses led the Jews form Egypt they left in such a hurry that they could not wait for bread dough to rise (leaven). Thus no yeast.

  • aarekmg

    It’s interesting that in order to make this cake you need to not only be sufficiently godly, but also sufficiently wifely. If you have no idea how to bake, this recipe could get confusing very quickly. I mean, how much honey or figs can you cram into one cake??

    I for one would like to try this interpretation:

    4 1/2 cups of oil
    1 1/2 cups of calf
    2 cups incense
    2 cups asses or wine
    2 cups figs or raisins
    1 cup of balm
    2 T honey
    more balm to taste
    6 scorpions
    a pinch of egg whites
    1/2 cup honey
    2 tsp honey

  • Robster

    Surprising there’s been no mention of loaves and fishes, apples or red wine and crackers. Perhaps not so surprising given that only really horrible things, like dead jew fillet with a red wine chaser, crackers and dip and (goody) apple pie would have to be the best on offer using the good ol’ bible as a base. Better still, why not come up with ways of using the bible as a fuel for cooking? Every home must have unwanted and unused piles of dead bibles lurking in dark places. These books are wasted, why not put ‘em through a shredder and burn them to cook? That way a huge wasted resourse would be used, there’d be more room for real books on shelves and as they say “ashes to ashes..” Could use ‘em for heating too!

  • Tometheus

    Anyone else get a little freaked out by the Leviticus reference on the list…?

    I don’t get it. Why should people be freaking out about yeast?

  • cipher

    Have Fun!

    That’s the sad part – to them, this is fun.

  • Mario Strada

    Foreskin soup?

  • midnight rambler

    John the Baptist Bread

    Mark 1:6 – “And John was dressed with the hairs of a camel
    and with a belt of skins around his loins, and he ate locusts and wild honey.”

    2 1/2 cups flour
    1/2 cup honey
    3 1/2 tsp baking powder
    1 tsp salt
    3 Tbsp vegetable oil
    1 cup milk
    2 eggs
    1 cup dry roasted crickets

    Grease and flour a loaf pan (9 x 5 x 3 inches). Add all
    ingredients except crickets in a large mixing bowl. Beat on medium speed for
    about 1/2 minute or until smooth. Add crickets and stir until well mixed , then
    pour into the pan. Bake at 350° 40-55 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean
    when inserted into the center of the bread. Slice while hot. Serve with sweet
    butter a l’orange.

    Sweet Butter a l’Orange

    1/2 lb. sweet butter, softened
    2 Tbsp grated orange rind (For an added touch, soak the rind
    in your favorite cordial)

    Mix with fork, place in serving dish and refrigerate.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Harrison/23417637 Michael Harrison

    Looked up Leviticus 2:11: 2 tsp. of ‘Don’t use yeast or honey in offerings’?

  • Isaiah Delight

    Leavened credulity


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