Non-Religious Doughnuts

National Doughnut Day was Friday, but it’s never too late to use them to compare non-religious philosophies:

Alright, so the phrases don’t all fit the titles (for example, atheists would more likely say “I don’t believe in doughnuts”), but kudos for the effort.

We know doughnuts are more like religion, anyway — they look fantastic, but they’re centered around something that isn’t there.

(via Interfaith Youth Core)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • newenglandbob

    Not funny but insulting.

    • Hat Stealer

      I found it funny. So there.

    • dcl3500

      Insulting how? I thought it was humorous for a Sunday morning. Ah one of the doughnut believers, I get it now….

      • newenglandbob

        no, I am an anti-theist. Not one of those descriptions reflects the people it insults.

        • Tobias2772

          NEB,I am an anti-theist aswell, but sometimes you just gotts lighten up and appreciate the humor even if it is not perfectly correct.

          • JuliePurple

            Right on, Tobias!

        • C Peterson

          I’m an anti-theist, too, and I think that particular one is pretty spot-on (for an entire philosophy summed up in a few words).

          I don’t like your god. Gods make you stupid and unethical.

    • Andrew Hall

      I chuckled at the anti-theist doughnut.

    • Drew M.
  • Tanner B James

    Mmmm donuts. – Homer

    • The Other Weirdo

      Marge: “Homer! Stop eating yourself!”
      Homer: “But I’m so sweet and tasty.”

  • Elizabeth Henetz

    awesome :)

  • Jasper

    Although it’s nice it has an entry for atheist/agnostic entry, it’s still perpetuating that ignorant crap that atheism is always “I believe there is no God”. The addition of agnosticism to atheism doesn’t change it to “maybe yes, maybe no”.

    The core atheist position (which can include a positive belief) is “I don’t believe”. The addition of agnosticism is either “I don’t know, and I don’t believe”, or “I don’t believe and I believe God is ultimately unknowable”

    • C Peterson

      Really, since there’s no such thing as an agnostic outside a philosophy classroom, that one should have simple been left out. But it doesn’t detract from the humor.

      • JuliePurple

        ?? I’m agnostic, and my one philosophy course was over 40 years ago. I think maybe you’re making the determination of the limited existence of agnostics using the same criteria as for determining the existence or non-existence of a deity, but in the case of agnostics, it *is* possible to find out, if you look a little harder.
        I am personally glad to see that agnostics are included in the list. :-)

  • Gideon

    Skeptic: until there’s much better evidence for doughnuts, I’m not buying one

    Pragmatist: since it doesn’t work to think or act as if doughnuts exist, doughnuts cannot be real nor fattening

  • PrimroseRoad

    So as a Jewish atheist, then, I believe there’s ONLY bacon?

    • chicago dyke

      do you really need anything else?

      • wmdkitty

        Something to wash down all that bacon-y goodness?

        • Hat Stealer

          How about MOAR BACON.

          • wmdkitty

            I was thinking more, oh… a gallon of water, ‘cuz bacon is kinda salty.

            • Feminerd

              Milk. That way you can mix dairy with your non-kosher meat :)

              • wmdkitty

                only if it’s lactose-free…

                • Feminerd

                  Still counts as dairy, I think. And really, isn’t it the thought that counts … ?

                • wmdkitty

                  *evil grin*

                  heh heh heh… good point.

        • Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach

          I recommend Rogue’s Maple Bacon Ale, it even says it goes great with pork & donuts, so everyone can have some.

          • wmdkitty


  • Graham Martin-Royle

    Every time I visit Canada I have to get myself a box of mixed doughnut holes, they’re brilliant. Now I find that that makes me “spiritual but not religious”. I’m in a quandary, do I change my stance from atheist or do I give up on the doughnut holes?

    Life is so difficult sometimes.

    • The Other Weirdo

      How about neither? One can hold mutually exclusive beliefs for the benefit of self.

  • Tel

    Which kind of person says “All donuts have good parts”? I’m thinking religious pluralist, but I’m not sure.

    Edit: Oh yeah — “Skeptic: I won’t believe that there’s a donut until you show me evidence for it. After that, I’ll examine it and decide if I want to eat it.”

    • The Other Weirdo

      I’m an atheist, but I’m not militant about it. Except Secular Jew Donuts. I am way militant about them. If you spend more than 2 seconds looking at that donut, I will eat it, bacon or not.

  • Goape

    This is funny, but the description of the post modernist non-theist stance is far too concise! I thought I almost understood it for a second (scary).

  • ElrictheMad

    Aaaaand, like doughnuts, religion can make you feel good in the short term, but in the end its just empty calories with no substantive value and in excess can be very harmful. Excellent metaphor.

    • Alice

      Ooh, and it also works because there’s the stereotype of police officers loving doughnuts, and Christians love to pretend they’re police officers working for a dictator.

      *runs far away before my cousin hunts me down for repeating a police stereotype*

  • Greg G.

    Me: There is no doughnut… anymore.

  • Noelle

    DeGrasse Tyson: We are in the donut, and the donut is in us.

    Sagan: We are all donut stuff.

    Polytheist: A Danish, turnover, scone, fritter, bear claw, paczki, and longjohn are all donuts.

  • CelticWhisper

    Forgot one.

    Cult of Cthulhu: In Soviet R’lyeh, DONUT EATS YOU!

    • Little Magpie

      CelticWhisper, your comment is made of donutty awesomeness. With bacon. :)

  • Nate

    Wow, this is garbage. Comparing atheism to donut denial? Who wrote this, a Christian? We don’t deny donuts, because donuts are obviously real. What a cheap, poorly thought out analogy.

    • Alice

      Maybe it’s an invisible doughnut.

  • The Other Weirdo

    As a secular Jew, I find the idea of the Secular Jew Doughnut w/bacon is very tasty proposition.

    • A Reader

      I’m a vegetarian, but I’d turn back for that doughnut!

  • Calladus

    Ignostic doughnut:

    What IS a doughnut, exactly? Can you spell it as “donut”? Does it have to have a hole in the middle, or can it be a bar.

    Shoot, when my friend drives his sports car in tight screeching circles in the parking lot, he calls it “doing donuts” – so it’s pretty obvious that no one really has a good definition for “doughnut” – maybe if we could come up with that definition first, we could figure it all out.

    Until then, I’ll just eat this weirdly shaped bit of fried dough with frosting on it.

  • Little Magpie

    Wait, there’s a “National Doughnut Day”? Even if it isn’t in my nation (I presume this is a US thing) – why did noone inform me? (sobs)

  • phranckeaufile

    Nietzschean: The doughnut is dead. The doughnut remains dead. And we have killed it. Yet its hole still looms. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was tastiest and most satisfying of all that the world has yet owned crumbled in our hands: who will wipe this icing off us? What coffee is there for us to cleanse our palates? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become doughnuts simply to appear worthy of it?