The Christian Alphabet

I knew Christians had their own language, but I didn’t know they had their own alphabet, too:

I take issue with the word for the letter X…

Oh. And the whole childhood indoctrination thing, too. Can’t forget that.

(via Christian Nightmares)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Susana Paço

    Their indoctrination is soooo lovely they even can say it nicely “Faith is belief without seeing or understanding”. sounds a lot like teaching gullibility

    • Machintelligence

      Faith is just gullibility dressed up in its Sunday best.

    • Gus Snarp

      Of course, if they remember it, it lays the groundwork for their future deconversion. Some day it’s likely to occur to them that in the real world, believing in something you can’t see or understand can cause serious problems.

  • WallofSleep

    I don’t even… for the sake of those poor children, please let this be a Poe.

    • Spuddie

      Paid actors. We will tell ourselves that so we can sleep well at night.

  • RickyWW

    Wow. That’s some xample they’re setting.

  • Rain

    Gotta love the “V for victory” since it’s already a foregone conclusion in their theology that their religion will be victorious. So basically all it amounts to is just gloating.

    • http://absurdlypointless.blogspot.com/ Tanner B James

      G is for gloating?

  • Deus Otiosus

    Shouldn’t X be for Xenophobia?

    • arensb

      And here I thought X always stood for Xylophone.

      • A3Kr0n

        I always thought X was where the treasure was at.

        • arensb

          “X never, ever marks the spot.”
          – Jones, H., Jr., Ph.D.

      • fsm

        Just where is West Xylophone?

    • C Peterson

      X is for the chromosome that makes you weak and sinful. The more you got, the weaker and more sinful you are.

      • TCC

        Ouch, I felt that from here. Well played.

      • Billy Bob

        Was gonna say this, but you beat me to it

      • Sweetredtele

        Those poor XXY guys and XXXX women. Doomed to hell no matter what…

  • http://boldquestions.wordpress.com/ Ubi Dubium

    If you listen closely to the singing (I know, ugh, but still) you can hear an adult voice singing there backing up the kids. (I’m pretty sure the kids are singing along with a recording, and the pictures they have probably came along with it. Maybe some kind of bible school package deal.) It’s a syrupy sweet voice of the sort that’s usually used for saccharine kids songs, because for some reason adults seem to think that kids prefer a sound like that. I never did when I was a kid. Bleah.

    • Alice

      Ugh, yes. As a young child, I had about 20 Christian cassette tapes, but when I was 6, I managed to sneak them into a Goodwill box without my parents ever realizing. He-he. The tape collection was tiny after that, so I’m surprised they didn’t notice. I don’t remember which annoyed me more, the lame, boring lyrics or the fact that they all sounded the same.

  • Matt

    H is for Holy, F is for Fuckballs.

    Those poor kids.

  • Rachel Warner

    Do you think they are forced to hand out pamphlets on street corners ? Creepy.

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      Probably Chick Tracts at school.

  • martinrc

    “Q is for quiet”, what!! Really??? REALLY? but they can’t seem to keep arguing that they have a right to force everyone to listen to their prayers at government sponsored events.

    • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

      Well, “Q” sure the hell can’t stand for “question.”

      • digitalatheist

        The Question, ADA Vic Sage… DC Comics (formerly Fawcett Comics) is a really great character, especially in the “Justice Leaque Unlimited” animated series. “The Question: Aha! Just as I suspected. Thirty-*two* flavors.”

        • C.L. Honeycutt

          Heh, seriously, he was awesome. Him and Huntress together were double-plus awesome.

    • Billy Bob

      I’ve actually heard Christians declare that they “have been quiet for too long.” Really? You never shut the hell up!

    • Spazticus

      I assume that “quiet” is also meant to embody blind obedience to authority, in this context.

    • digitalatheist

      I though Q was John DeLancie whom Sisko punched in the face and Guinan stabbed with a fork?!?

      • Spazticus

        That too! But to be fair though, ALL of the Q in the Continuum are called Q.

        • C.L. Honeycutt

          No silly, only Q is named Q. The other ones include Q, Q, Q, and especially Q from the shuttle scene.

          On a huge tangent, was he just lying when he claimed to have an “I.Q. of two thousand and four”? Because he had trouble figuring out sleep despite having spied on people at length before.

          • Spazticus

            Observation does not equate to firsthand knowledge; that’s how I would reason it, at any rate. He always was a trolling character, though.

      • Edmond

        Thank you! I think I’ve gone too long without someone mentioning Sisko. Long live the Emissary! May the Prophets protect us.

  • KeithCollyer

    O Omnipotence? I doubt they have the faintest idea what that means – or why on its own it disproves the idea of a loving god

    • Tainda

      Q stands for Omnipotence!

    • Billy Bob

      But free will! God works in mysterious ways! Gods way are not our own! *insert other bad rationalization here*

      • C.L. Honeycutt

        Silly atheist, you just don’t understand the Sophisticated Theology that goes into the Doctrine of Free Will! You know, like how the doctrine was invented to cover up for everyone noticing that God wasn’t actually doing anything, anywhere, anywhen.

        Argh! It makes more sense with extra punctuation, trust me Jesus!

  • Guest

    Makes me sick that atheists and homosexuals want the hate crimes law and then will attack little kids like they have so clearly done here!

    • Jasper

      Please specify an example of atheists and/or homosexuals wanting hate crime laws.

      • Geoff Boulton

        Enforcing the First Amendment, allowing gay couples the same rights as everyone else. Who knows?

        • Jasper

          I think he may not mean the legal definition of “hate crime laws”, but more taking a swipe at our support of anti-discrimination laws, based on protected classes like religion, race, gender, and now sexual orientation.

          I don’t think this person means “extra-punishments added to the assault of a person because that crime was motivated by hatred of gays”… sort of thing.

          … though I’m guessing here.

          • Geoff Boulton

            Yes, that makes sense. I mean your explanation of course, not that the OP has a point ;-)

    • Tainda

      First of all, we’re not attacking anyone. Secondly, we feel sorry for those kids.

      How did that brainwashing work for you? Anger and hate for anything different than you are.

    • Hat Stealer

      You’re right. I can clealy be seen at the 1:25 mark beating one of those kids with a cross while screaming about how Christians are constantly confusing words with actions, and how I wish they wouldn’t indoctrinate children like this.

    • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

      Meanwhile in reality…….

    • Willy Occam

      So by extension, if a group of pedophiles released a video with these same kids mindlessly singing songs that extoll the virtues of sex with children, you presume our criticism would be directed at the kids? In both scenarios, the children are the victims of manipulative adults who are using them to promote their own agenda. If you can’t see that, perhaps your sympathies lie with the abusive adults.

    • mudskipper5

      Ah… So you actually didn’t read the post or any of the comments.

      • Spazticus

        Of course not, because doing either would require some critical thought…and elementary school-level reading comprehension.

    • Spuddie

      TAKE YOUR MEDS!

      • Michael W Busch

        Please do not link being a bigot with poor typography with needing medication.

    • Mario Strada

      Was that English? Or did you write it first in Cantonese and then used Google Translate for the English version?

      I would be happy to flame you and get offended by your rhetoric, but honestly I can only perceive that you are somewhat against Atheists and Homosexuals, but for the life of me I have no idea in which way that relates to the article. Something about a hate crime law? Little kids were attacked? Is there video of that?

      I don’t recall reading any attacks against the kids. If anything it was some commiseration that they had to star in that train wreck of a video, but it’s certainly not their fault the the adults in their lives are morons and bad videographers/sound engineers/songwriters.
      I almost called CPS on behalf of the kids. That’s how much I like kids.

  • stillbeliveinmyrights

    Childhood INDOCTRINATION?? Seriously?? Let me REMIND you of ONE thing…. ALL natural parents STILL have their rights too…. to raise their children with the morals and beliefs that they believe to be be right! I suppose you wouldn’t take issue with someone indoctrinating someone elses child into HOMOSEXUALITY though! (Because lets face it, 2 men/2women CANNOT have a child of their own, therefore… it is still someone elses child) All I have to say to that is, HYPOCRITES!! Obviously, christians are NOT the only ones to be found as hypocrites, like the athiests and gays would have you to believe! Down right DISCUSTING!!!

    • The Other Weirdo

      Da faque did I just read?

      • 3lemenope

        INDOCTRINATION REMIND ONE ALL STILL I HOMOSEXUALITY CANNOT I HYPOCRITES NOT DISCUSTING

        Childhood Seriously Let me you of thing natural parents have their rights too to raise their children with the morals and beliefs that they believe to be be right suppose you wouldn’t take issue with someone indoctrinating someone elses child into though Because lets face it 2 men 2women have a child of their own therefore it is still someone elses child All have to say to that is Obviously christians are the only ones to be found as hypocrites like the athiests and gays would have you to believe Down right

        ????……..!!(/…),!!,,!!!

        —————————————
        …but all mixed together in a piquant slurry.

        • Spuddie

          I think I am going to name my band Piquant Slurry.

        • C.L. Honeycutt

          I especially like how you left all the punctuation at the end so we can pick and choose where to misapply it. It’s interactive gibberish!

          • allein

            Choose your own adventure!

            • C.L. Honeycutt

              I hated those books. I always got eaten by giant dandelion monsters or something.

          • 3lemenope
            • C.L. Honeycutt

              My browser is now open to a copy of that piece for when I return from things and stuff. Color me interested. ^^

    • Hat Stealer

      I can’t even downvote this, that’s how bad it is. It would be like kicking a puppy riddled with birth defects.

    • Geoff Boulton

      Indoctrinating children into homosexuality? About as effective as Christianity indoctrinating heterosexuality into Ted Haggart, George Reckers and Larry Haig.

      • Matt

        Now children, this book here says you HAVE to be gay, otherwise, you will burn in a violent place called HETEROSEXUALVILLE for all of eternity!

        • RowanVT

          Can’t…upvote… enough….

        • Hat Stealer

          So would bisexualityville be purgatory?

          • Tainda

            Sure! I wouldn’t mind purgatory as long as it’s air conditioned.

    • RowanVT

      See… you seem to be laboring under the misinformation that by being gay women stop producing eggs and men stop producing sperm. So while they may be in love with someone of the same gender, many of them are still perfectly capable of ‘the act’ with someone of the opposite gender. Meaning they can have a child “of their own.”

      Also, we would indeed be against indoctrinating someone’s child “into homosexuality”… because that would mean we were telling them they *had* to be gay, or else.

      Or are you railing against the idea of teaching children that homosexuals are people who deserve as much respect as someone who is heterosexual, and that two adults of the same gender are as able to love each other as two adults of different genders? Because railing against that makes you look like an ass.

    • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

      Dear stillbelieveinmyrights,

      Please use your indoor typing. You’re scaring the children, and the rabbits. Remember, if you have to yell, you’ve already lost. If you can’t remember this, you’re going to have to sit in the time out corner, while the rest of the kids play on the swings.

      Thank you.

    • TiltedHorizon

      huh?

      Is this one of the byproducts of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?

      • Spazticus

        There needs to be a few thousand more monkeys, before it gets to the level of say, something like Twilight. But perhaps that estimate is a bit conservative…

        • Matt

          Was pretty sure it only took one monkey to write Twilight.

          And not a very well written monkey either

          • Spazticus

            You give the monkey too much credit. ;)

      • Spuddie

        I think it is a Poe’s Law generator algorithm. Someone at MIT is playing a joke on us.

    • allein

      You might want to get your keyboard checked; your caps lock appears to be a bit wonky.

    • observer

      So you’re going to raise your kids to be insecure with their faith?

    • cary_w

      Wow, someone has a dirty mind! Don’t quite see how you go from cute kids forced to sing a terrible song to homosexuality. Why are Christians so obsessed with sex? Do you think it’s a result of being sexually repressed and being told over and over how evil sex is?

    • mudskipper5

      FYI, yelling doesn’t actually help your comment make sense.

      It doesn’t seem to matter what the topic of the post is, commenters defending the Christian viewpoint regularly turn the topic to sexuality, particularly homosexuality. Are you incapable of having a discussion without bringing up sex?

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      Good lord, do you teach your kids grammar with that mouth?

    • Carmelita Spats

      Discusting? Yes, let’s discuss disgusting. Let me spell it correctly for you: D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G. I find it completely D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G to have to explain to my kid all about your God’s filthy sexual appetites. You know perfectly well what I mean. Your incarnational-trinitarian-atoning-resurrecting-ascending-soon-to-be-returning-God molested a horny teenager so that He could impregnate her with Himself so as to sacrifice Himself to Himself so that premarital sex could be forgiven. Glory!

      When my kid looks at a creepy manger scene on public property, she asks, “Mommy, is Joseph the baby’s real daddy? My friends at school say that Joseph was not Jesus’ real daddy.” I have to cover her eyes, move her quietly into the car, and distract her so that I avoid having to explain rascal Yahweh’s sticky insemination techniques involving black cosmic goo, two exhausted chipmunks and Reynold’s Wrap which are only rivaled by Zeus’ proclivity for fauns and nymphs.

      I’m a responsible parent and I have to protect my child from your Bible’s wanton pornography. I don’t want to tell my child that yes, Honey, once upon a time there was this girl named Mary and she had unnatural sex with a Space Ghost who was the Father of the baby but also the baby since the Father and Son are ONE which means that Jesus was his own Father which means that he could sue himself for custody in family court and end up paying child support as well. Praise!

      • cary_w

        I think I love you, Carmelita :-)

  • Alice

    Poor kids, they seem so robotic in this video.

    • Spuddie

      Maybe the kids are paid performers.

      Or at least that is what I am telling myself so I don’t get the willies when I think about it.

      • C.L. Honeycutt

        Robots don’t have to be paid. Well, some you pay in beer, but that’s a special case.

        • Spuddie

          I never said they were good child actors. Just they may be there to pick up a paycheck rather than actual believers. Or at least that is my sincerest hope.

          Yes I am in clear denial that there are children who actually believe this crap =)

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    Bad audio… check

    Bad acting … check

    Voting disabled …. check

    Comments disabled … check

    Using indoctrinated kids to try and indoctrinate others…. check

    Looks like they get a perfect 5/5 score on things that indicate a fundamentalist christian made the video.

    • allein

      Man, I hate not being able to watch videos at work. :(

      • Billy Bob

        Consider yourself lucky you can’t watch this one.

        • allein

          I’m sure I’ll torture myself when I get home. ;)

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    K L M should stand for Killing Little Moabites.

  • GeraardSpergen

    I swear I heard R for eRection

    • Hat Stealer

      I’m pretty sure that Jesus had a post mortem priapism, if that’s what you’re implying.

      • Tainda

        Coffee sprayed on screen. Thanks for that! :P

      • Space Cadet

        You never hear anyone talk about that part of the Shroud of Turin.

      • phantomreader42

        The phrase “hung like this” comes to mind…

  • Mark

    M is for menial job.

  • cary_w

    The creepiest part of this video is where they say “now lets go share it with everyone”, It kind of sounds like “now let’s go bully the non-Christian kids!”

  • me

    This almost, almost made me vomit.

  • Justin Miyundees

    This would make for a great parody with Alec Baldwin –

    “You see this watch? This watch cost more than your car…. Who am I? I’m the pastor who drove here in an $80,000 BMW. THAT’S my name…. A: Always, B: Believe in, C: Christ or Y is for YOU are going to H IS FOR HELL MY FRIEND…. A: ALWAYS, B: BELIEVE (as B for Batshit as it may sound) in C: Christ or you’re going to burn – that’s what Mitch & Murray sent me here for – to save your asses! “

  • baal

    Ok, I lasted 51 seconds. That was painful. It’s not the singing so much as the constant re-definition of reality through the christian paradigm.

    • Willy Occam

      I had to skip around, but admit I could only take about 30 seconds before I had to turn it off. For all the cheesy badness of it, the worst part is how uncomfortable I feel watching kids behave like programmed robots.

  • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

    This is a bit off-topic maybe, but close enough for me to share :-) There’s a new Nova/National Geographic called “Ape Genius”

    http://video.pbs.org/video/1200128615/ (sorry, pretty sure US only)

    A lot of this is old stuff that’s been on Nova before. But there was one really startling one (for me), at 41m. They describe an experiment where they teach chimps and human children how to open a puzzle box, but they add in some unnecessary ‘ritual’ steps (tapping and such). Both learn the task. Later, they replace the opaque sides with clear ones, so you can see what’s going on, and that the tapping is unnecessary.

    The chimps stop the tapping right away, while the human children maintain the ritual. They speculate that it’s part of our ability to learn. We expect the adults to teach us, and teach us correctly. But the cost is (now my speculation) that we maintain the baggage of things that aren’t correct. Although Chimps certainly do imitate and learn, they don’t seem to have the same understanding that someone is actually trying to teach them something (based on other experiments).

  • The Inconsistent Atheist

    There goes Hemant again, bullying Christians. What an inconsistent hypocrite!

    • Michael W Busch

      Saying “you shouldn’t link your religion to teaching kids the English alphabet” is not bullying. It is criticism.

    • John (not McCain)

      Fuck you, pervert.

    • allein

      You imply that he does this all the time; it seems you find him rather consistent after all…
      (Why you identify yourself by a name that doesn’t describe you I don’t quite get, but whatever.)

    • phantomreader42

      Add “bullying” to the miles-long, ever-growing list of words InconsistentLyingSackOfShit does not know the meaning of, and would sooner kill and eat his own family than learn.

    • Spuddie

      Bullying is when public officials use their power to compel others to say prayers or involuntarily listen to sermons. Criticism is what Hemant did.

      Behind every whine of American Christians claiming to be persecuted is a lying jerk who thinks Christian privilege entitles them to be as obnoxious as possible in public.

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      Jesus but you are a bad liar.

    • Mario Strada

      Who was bullied here exactly? There is an ocean between criticizing and bullying.
      I know that you would much prefer that atheists had no voice and that they sort of lived in the back alleys of society, their only purpose the occasional praise of the religious lifestyle and their longing for the ability to have “Faith”. Then go to S.C. Cupp. She is your kind of atheist. Never missing her chance to tell Christians how great they are. (BTW, what happened to her? Has she converted yet?).

      You are exactly what’s wrong with Christians in our society. Capable of dishing it out in the name of their vengeful Lord, but unable to take it when their victims answer back.
      Pitiful.

  • anniewhoo

    I was really expecting X to be for crucifiX.

    • Pepe

      It’s better than eXample

      • anniewhoo

        If it was the Catholic alphabet song, X could be for ‘no eXit’.

        • Pepe

          Mormons would be like, “if you’re dead, we’re gonna eXhume and then convert you”

  • mudskipper5

    A is for “appalling”, B is for “banal”, C is for “creepy”, D is for “disturbing”, E is for …

  • NewDawn2006

    I just vomited in my mouth a little…

  • Art_Vandelay

    As far as I could tell, the Christian Alphabet is just the Alphabet.

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      More boring, droning, and creepy than the regular alphabet though, which seems to be the norm for Christian versions of anything.

  • Hunter Taylor

    I definitely laughed out loud when they said “G is for God.” It sounded like a comedic song where they ran out of words to rhyme with.

  • Carmelita Spats
  • Mario Strada

    So even the kids lip sync? This should be declared “Cruel and unusual Entertainment” and should be added to the “Crimes against Humanity” list.

    Not only the subject matter was nauseating, but the production values are terrible. Each cut scene was filmed in a different location, but since they were lip syncing they had to fade the song in and out abruptly. Often the kids stopped singing way before the actual singers stopped.

    The rhyming was atrocious. X = eXample? Since when you can do that. If they were truthful, they should have sung X = Xenophobe. It fits much better and it’s actually true.

    I also wonder how many of these kids will turn into adult atheists? Which is the more likely one based on their behavior here? That would make a good game, in about 20 years.

  • bigcheeese

    I literally got nauseous watching that. Disgusting….

  • Timothy R Alexander

    That was just painful. I feel real and sever pain from that.

  • http://nomadwarriormonk.blogspot.com/ Cyrus Palmer

    This kind of propaganda for kids makes me sick.

  • duke_of_omnium

    You know, if christians had any talent, they’d be dangerous.

  • WillBell

    Wait, did I hear Q is for Quiet? Does that refer to silencing non-Christians or their god’s unresponsive nature?

  • Waltz707

    Hmmm…. disabled ratings? I wonder why….

  • lazerhaze

    This is mental and emotional abuse being inflicted upon these children. This video twists my guts and enrages me just like as if I had watched a video of physical or sexual child abuse. These children MUST be removed from their blatantly abusive parents home immediately and the parents should be forced to pay for the care, housing and treatment for their children while they are treated for the mental and emotional abuse and manipulation inflicted by the parents of these children. I’d like to see all of the children of these parents removed and the parents barred from having more children or being in the presence of children for life. Parents like this are just as bad as sexual child predators and should be treated as such. Barred from being in proximity of children forever and forced to announce that they have been convicted of child abuse to everyone they meet and everywhere they live. These people are NOT to be trusted around children. They prey on children’s innocence, and gullibility to swell their ranks of willfully ignorant and religiously delusional sheeple. They are dangerous to America and to the lives of the children in their presence. Protect your kids from these child predators. Your childs life and your family depend on it!

  • Not Ashamed

    You all need to have Faith yourselves. You did not derive from a hairy creature like you think. God is the one who made the animals – read the right Bible! Praying for you all to change your ways before it is too late.


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