The (Abstinence) Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates

Earlier this year, I posted a live clip of the hilarious duo Garfunkel and Oates singing about a loophole to abstinence that Jesus would undoubtedly approve of…

Well, the official video is out today (needless to say, the lyrics and video are NSFW):

A sampling of the lyrics:

Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan’s doorbell God can’t ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
’Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin
I emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I’m ready for romance
Now I’m praying to the power that’s the highest
But of all of my holes this one’s the driest
And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
And God’s okay with sodomy but only if you’re straight

Gotta love abstinence anthems.

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Art_Vandelay

    Oh man…that was so wonderfully blasphemous; even I’m offended.

  • Hat Stealer

    In all the best possible ways!

  • Jeff P

    It definitely made baby Jesus cry.

  • b33bl3br0x

    See also

    Self Esteem

  • Cyrus Palmer

    Clearly i should have paid more attention to Christian girls in hs.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Fucking brilliant and I love Kate Micucci on the Big Bang Theory. I hope they keep her around for the upcoming season.

    Can any females verify the Aspirin between the knees thing?

    And the little girls expression at 1:25 is pure gold.

  • Lori F

    If lyrics and songs get stuck in your head, you may want to NOT watch the video.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    I’ve watched it 3 times in a row, going for 4 now cause sometimes you have to think outside the box. So fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    BTW, they are doing an AMA over at reddit right now.

    Kate responded to my question. What an awesome day it is :)

  • Feminerd

    It’s a terrible, horrible idea. Aspirin is really acidic, which is not shocking considering it is an acid (acetylsalicylic acid). If you’ve ever chewed up a pill of it, you’ll note it burns the inside of your mouth and throat a little. It’s a terrible fucking idea to put something corrosive inside the vagina, and I’m pretty sure it didn’t happen.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    I was just referring to placing it between the knees, not inside ones vagina.

  • Feminerd

    Well how could it even theoretically do any good there lol?

    They’re referring to Foster Friess (random crusty old Republican politician) who, during the whole Akin thing, said, ““On this contraceptive thing, my Gosh it’s such [sic] inexpensive,” he added. “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.””

    Between their knees is a pretty old but quite obvious euphemism.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Leave it to a crusty old guy to say such a thing and thanks for the information.

  • James

    It does good because if you keep it between your knees then clearly you are not spreading your legs. It’s an old saying, it is not based in fact but as a precaution to keep your damned legs closed.

  • Houndentenor

    They’ve both been on BBT. The blonde was the assistant who waited hand and foot on Sheldon until she asked for credit on the paper he was writing. It was a very funny episode. They are both hilarious but best together. Thanks to Dan Savage for introducing me to their wacky songs.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    I didn’t realize that was her at the time. I’m a huge fan of the BBT, watching it right now.

  • Tainda

    I was told to hold a penny between my knees.

    I obviously didn’t listen lol

  • Vukota Pecota

    I had a former Born Again friend tell me of a couple who actually did use the “anal sex loophole”. I laughed it off at the time but I wonder how common this actually is among young Christians.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    I have told my daughter, more than once, that I would be disappointed if she saved herself for marriage. Taking a few test drives is important.

  • Tainda

    lol I told my daughter the same thing

    Then again, I tell her it’s better to not get married at all. It’s just a piece of paper. She now lives with her fiancee and their 8-month-old :) Would I have wished the family came later? Yes, but whatever makes her happy and she is.

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    My daughter does want to get married and have children but she was just accepted into the honors diploma program. She starts high school this year and if she wants that honors diploma a boyfriend will have to take a back seat to her studies and I just said back seat… LOL!!!!

  • Mary Leinart

    I definitely had friends in high school who went that route for exactly the reasons described in the video.

  • Anonny

    I had a friend in high school who did this (kept her sacred virginity by raking it up the arse). Just crazy.

  • Pisk_A_Dausen

    “It’s just a piece of paper.”

    It can be an important piece of paper, though, mainly if something, dog forbid, goes horribly wrong. Having a kid and not being married can lead to all kinds of legal tangles and extra grief in the case of sickness/death/breakup. (Although it also depends on local laws. Over here, your daughter and her fiancé would have at least 90% of the legal rights/duties of a married couple at this point, including all the most important ones.)

    Sorry to be a negative Nelly (wait, since when do I say “negative Nelly”?), I’ve just heard too many horror stories about how the law treats unmarried couples even in otherwise progressive countries/states. :-|

  • allein

    It would beat “My Heart Will Go On” which is currently stuck in my head thanks to Jeopardy last night…

  • Gus Snarp

    This was stuck in my head all night.

  • Willy Occam

    …but adult Jesus got a chubbie.

  • TCC

    I believe the precise term for this is saddlebacking.

  • Weldi

    I wish my wife loved Jesus.