Pastor Claims He Was Curing a Boy’s Headaches… by Sexually Forcing Himself on Him

Special heavenly powers recently descended upon a South African teenager who had gone to church for help fighting his migraines.

More precisely, it was the derrière of pastor Zanokhanyo Mnyukulo that descended — right upon the boy’s groin area.

Nothing to be concerned about — it was all part of the patient’s spiritual treatment.

Allegedly,

the pastor performed sexual acts on him and kissed him on two different occasions.

Also, the boy says,

Mnyukulo made him suck his breast, perform oral sex, and went on to sit on his lap and penetrate himself using the teen’s penis.

The pastor’s lawyer says nothing illegal took place. He told the court that his client and the teenager “were busy with a healing [ritual].”

The reverend Mnyukulo is free on bail, having been sprung from jail by his spouse.

No word on whether the holy penetration has cured the young man of his headache.

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.

  • kelemi

    The Reverend P T Barnum at your service.

  • Machintelligence

    Sounds like a classic case of trading a headache for an upset stomach.

  • Geoff Boulton

    Any husbands here thinking to themselves, “I wonder if my wife will buy that one next time she says she’s got a headache?”

  • AxeGrrl

    Uh, what amazing ‘healing powers’ does the pastor’s nether sphincter have that the boy’s hand doesn’t?

    • The Other Weirdo

      That other thing is a sin, natch. Remember that, folks. You can shove your ass into a boy’s groin and that’s alright, that’s spiritual healing. But should the boy touch himself, why it’s straight to burning fires of hell forever with him.

  • Mick

    I’ll bet he asks for double tithes next Sunday – to help pay for his solicitor.

  • Baby_Raptor

    But we’re the immoral ones, guys. Remember that.

    (Don’t drown in that giant pool of sarcasm. I almost did.)

  • Matt

    Sounds legit.

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    This is why aspirin does not come as a suppository.

  • mrwho

    When did sexual abuse become a joke?

    • EmpiricalPierce

      When it became so common that we find it difficult to muster the initial shock and disgust we once had.

    • judyt00

      men have always treated sexual abuse as a joke, hence the ‘ there is no such thing as rape because a woman can run faster with her skirt up than a man can with his pants down.’ joke they used to tell in the 50′s and 60′s

  • coolmind

    religion makes nuts

  • MG

    When I brought this page up, I got an ad for a quack headache cure. Nice change of pace  from religous crap, but damn.

  • Beth

    Brought to you by: lack of scientific illiteracy and skepticism.

  • Retribution Rabbit

    Horrific and disgusting. I hope they have a death penalty in South Africa.

  • pagansister

    Was this pastor taking lessons from the Priests in the area? He sounds like an arrogant SOB hiding behind his religion as an excuse for his crime.


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X