I Guess Christian Churches *Are* Sex-Positive…

(via Christian Nightmares)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Mick

    The parishioners are probably strutting around telling everybody, “We have so much at our church; the pastor is a real wag sometimes.”

    The pastor is probably thinking, “if that sign doesn’t increase collections by 15% I’m going back to hellfire and brimstone sermons.”

  • chris

    Oh no! They haven’t put god first in their marriage formula!

  • flyb

    That’s creepy. Almost as creepy as the “virgin” Mary and her three wise men. (Joe just liked to watch.)

  • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

    Leave it to God to have an omni- on plural marriage.

  • sam

    Now you know why they call themselves “Mount Pleasant”.

  • Mitch

    Makes me wonder how the whole “trinity” thing would affect the number. Still a threesome, or straight up orgy?

  • islandbrewer

    I suppose nothing is beyond God’s reach-around.

  • gandalfe

    Ohhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyy…

  • islandbrewer

    I love the Spider Jerusalem icon!

  • Keljopy

    Eww, it’s always creepy when churches try to be “edgy”. I mean I’m all for threesomes if that’s what the involved people are into, but not so much with imaginary omniscient beings. I’m pretty sure “God” wasn’t invited into my marriage.

  • sam

    I can’t breath and I spilled tea all over my keyboard.

  • Erin

    Best comment I have read anywhere…ever.

  • observer

    That’s a pretty awkward honeymoon…

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Threesomes?

    Not my bag, man.

  • viaten

    That looks about right. Woman stuck between Man and God.

  • Spazticus

    Funny how you never hear about…oh wait, wrong Joe.

  • averydashwood

    You would technically be getting it on with your father.

  • Spazticus

    It reminds me of a photo I took in front of a local church, nine years ago.

  • rhodent

    Talk about being touched by his noodly appendage!

  • sam

    This is where the phrase, “In the Name of the Father, and in the Son, and into-the-hole-he-goes” comes from (to misappropriate a line from David Allen).

  • sam

    You filthy atheists are too theologically unsophisticated to understand the Holy Trinity, so let me teach you something:

    Picture a husband & wife in bed, and then in order to visualize the Trinity, you have to imagine a…well…have you seen the movie, “The Human Centipede”?

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    *shudders*

    Yes… and I wish I hadn’t.

  • EvolutionKills

    Cue Family Guy…

  • McAtheist

    I need more information…is it an MFM 3-way, or an MMF 3-way?

  • Erin

    Or perhaps it’s a progressive MFF 3-way?

  • McAtheist

    Oops! My bad, I forgot that possibility

  • Nancy Shrew

    So, does the Golden Rule apply here (as in the Urban Dictionary sense of the term)?

  • Joshua_Kelly

    They did this in response to your posting my excerpt! :) Cheeky bastards.

  • JohnnieCanuck

    Married or not, God is always there, watching Christians. He does it from every angle, even when the lights are out. He’s in their dreams too; wet ones, nightmares, every kind, just watching and taking note.

    One good thing about being an atheist, gods that don’t exist, don’t watch.

  • Mario Strada

    Creepy. It would be creepy no matter what.

  • Puffy

    My dad got remarried a few years ago, and the priest kept going on about how marriage was a threesome. I sat through the whole thing trying really hard to keep myself from giggling.

  • SupahSang

    I’m always wondering who the hell makes these signs!! Anybody know?

  • Spazticus

    People without a sense of humor, in most cases. Besides, they write them in such a way that there is absolutely NO way they could possibly be interpreted in any way except the way they intended… *snerk*

    Edit: I suppose that could be a comment on biblical literalists, as well.

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    I keep “forgetting” to learn more about that movie.

  • Sam Chapman

    All this time I thought I was masturbating alone but I was being watched the whole time (ala “The Footprints”). Kinda titillating.

  • Len

    Not so much doggy style as goddy style.

  • corps_suk

    This just reminds me of a great bumber sticker
    “Atheists make the best lovers…afterall no one is watching”

  • Oranje

    I’ll stick with the kind with my wife and her girlfriend and lots of awkward should-I-or-shouldn’t-I questions and giggling. God would just screw that up. And bring the shame. Shame sucks.

  • Beth

    When I got married I got a wood cross from my pastor that says marriage takes three. At the time I was a believer and even then I thought it was majorly creepy. “Don’t forget that Jesus watches to have sex” I still have it somewhere….

  • Beth

    I didn’t even catch that!

  • Tainda

    Keep on “forgetting”! lol Wish I could

  • http://yetanotheratheist.com/ TerranRich

    At that point it’s just a swingers’ party.

  • baal

    FMF :)

  • Pofarmer

    I actually had my wife tell me “we need to put God in the center of our marriage” . I said “Hell, it’s hard enough with two of us who can talk to each other.”

  • Spuddie

    I think we need a Costco-sized can of brain bleach for that reference.

  • allein

    Sure beats “Mt. Misery” (which was the church camp I went to as a kid).

  • allein

    Did you ever see the Human Santa-pede cartoon? I’d link but I um, can’t google that here. Not worth the risk.

  • allein

    I forwarded this picture to my friend, who forwarded it to her friend who is a pastor (of a rather liberal sort). His response:

    “To quote Princess Bride: ‘I don’t think that means what they think it means’….I should try using that in my sermon and see who else thinks it’s really wrong”

    I would go to church to hear that sermon.

  • Rebecca

    I drove past that sign a few days ago! My jaw dropped when I saw it :P

  • sam

    You mean, “Pee unto others, as you would have them pee unto you”?

  • Oranje

    I did like that one of the local (more progressive) churches had their sign say: “Staying in bed and screaming “oh god” doesn’t count as going to church.”

  • Oranje

    And wait, no serial comma AND an ampersand? *shudder*

    /editornerd

  • SJH

    Not sure what the big deal is. I don’t agree with the shock-jock tactics but aren’t they just saying that marriage is a bond between a husband, wife and God even in the marital act. It seems that atheists seem to think that sex is dirty or something and therefor think that if you believe in God then it should be hidden from God? Please help me understand why this is an issue?

  • Gabriel

    So is god bi or just bi-curious?

  • SeniorSkeptik

    Hey, maybe Joseph Smith was onto something after all !

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    Her pastor friend misquoted Princess Bride. He will surely burn in the lake of fire. >.<

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    The issue is that theists seem to have a higher incidence of humor blindness* than the general population, and don’t get why atheists might chuckle at a funny sign and appreciate a pastor who is NOT humor-blind.

    *Probably related to authoritarianism.

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    Might as well put on a show if you’re going to be judged anyway. :P

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    “…bag, man.”

    “…bag of men?”

    Freud has betrayed you! THE TRUTH COMES OUT

    Clearly I need to lie down.

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    Yeah, imagine trying to explain God being there when you try to hook up with the other swinging couples at the donkey club in Acapulco. It’d be worse than bringing your kid along.

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    That’s a 50% higher risk of going to Hell!

    http://xkcd.com/1252/

  • Anna

    It’s the Christians who generally think threesomes are dirty. That’s why it’s so bizarrely humorous for this church to put up that sign. They’d rail against human beings having a threesome, but they see nothing wrong or creepy about intimating that their deity (who is supposed to be the couple’s father, mind you) is watching and/or participating in their sex life.

  • Tainda

    Funny thing is, I hate serial commas lol

  • allein

    lol, I noticed that, too.

  • Guest

    If God is a trinity, wouldn’t that mean five people at the orgy?

  • Rakatosh

    11. Thou shall not cross swords with the Lord thy God.

  • Brudder

    It’s the Fire Swamp, no Lake in that glorious movie.

  • Mario Strada

    See, if I wrote that post, most likely it would have said “…ex wife…”.
    Good for you.

  • Mario Strada

    He also watches you poop. The guy is incorrigible.

  • phantomreader42

    One of the three churches along my drive to work has that same sentiment on their sign now. They really need some new material. It’s just as stupid as it was nine years ago.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Heh… I guess people don’t use the term “bag” anymore, then?

  • sam

    He must be bi. Since he’s omniscient, he can’t be curious about anything. He _knows_.

  • stop2wonder

    Unless you believe in the trinity, when it then becomes this weird 5-way.

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    GAH!

    *shameface*

  • Pofarmer

    Eh, she owes me. It was her unthinking, brainwashing, intolerant, superstitious, wrongheaded, vacuous, arrogant, self righteous, biggoted Catholic church that initially fueled my search for doctrinal truth, and, ultimately, my complete deconversion.

  • Pofarmer

    Last February she wanted to have our house blessed. That was an interesting conversation..

  • Robster

    What about the holy spook? That would make it a 3.5 some.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

    you have to feel bad for christian husbands. i’m mean, come on. we’re talking about God the Father and Big Sky Daddy and omni on your mommy hell yeah He’s got it going on. so when He’s done with your wife, how do you compare? esp after He’s had His way with your business and all you could do was bow down and take it.

  • http://nomadwarriormonk.blogspot.com/ Cyrus Palmer

    Hot

  • http://nomadwarriormonk.blogspot.com/ Cyrus Palmer

    There aren’t any pissed of fundies here? Damn, I wanted to hear what they said about this.

  • Danny

    Is there an accompanying picture/cartoon/drawing depicting the threesome?
    E.g double penetration or an eiffel tower..
    that would be really funny :D

  • Itarion

    Kinky.

  • Nancy Shrew

    No, the one that states that it’s “not gay” as long as it’s two men and a woman.


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