I Guess Christian Churches *Are* Sex-Positive…

(via Christian Nightmares)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • Mick

    The parishioners are probably strutting around telling everybody, “We have so much at our church; the pastor is a real wag sometimes.”

    The pastor is probably thinking, “if that sign doesn’t increase collections by 15% I’m going back to hellfire and brimstone sermons.”

  • chris

    Oh no! They haven’t put god first in their marriage formula!

  • flyb

    That’s creepy. Almost as creepy as the “virgin” Mary and her three wise men. (Joe just liked to watch.)

    • Spazticus

      Funny how you never hear about…oh wait, wrong Joe.

  • http://www.last.fm/user/m6wg4bxw m6wg4bxw

    Leave it to God to have an omni- on plural marriage.

  • sam

    Now you know why they call themselves “Mount Pleasant”.

    • Beth

      I didn’t even catch that!

    • allein

      Sure beats “Mt. Misery” (which was the church camp I went to as a kid).

  • Mitch

    Makes me wonder how the whole “trinity” thing would affect the number. Still a threesome, or straight up orgy?

    • sam

      You filthy atheists are too theologically unsophisticated to understand the Holy Trinity, so let me teach you something:

      Picture a husband & wife in bed, and then in order to visualize the Trinity, you have to imagine a…well…have you seen the movie, “The Human Centipede”?

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        *shudders*

        Yes… and I wish I hadn’t.

      • C.L. Honeycutt

        I keep “forgetting” to learn more about that movie.

        • Tainda

          Keep on “forgetting”! lol Wish I could

      • Spuddie

        I think we need a Costco-sized can of brain bleach for that reference.

      • allein

        Did you ever see the Human Santa-pede cartoon? I’d link but I um, can’t google that here. Not worth the risk.

    • http://yetanotheratheist.com/ TerranRich

      At that point it’s just a swingers’ party.

  • islandbrewer

    I suppose nothing is beyond God’s reach-around.

    • sam

      I can’t breath and I spilled tea all over my keyboard.

    • Erin

      Best comment I have read anywhere…ever.

    • Len

      Not so much doggy style as goddy style.

  • gandalfe

    Ohhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyy…

    • islandbrewer

      I love the Spider Jerusalem icon!

  • Keljopy

    Eww, it’s always creepy when churches try to be “edgy”. I mean I’m all for threesomes if that’s what the involved people are into, but not so much with imaginary omniscient beings. I’m pretty sure “God” wasn’t invited into my marriage.

  • observer

    That’s a pretty awkward honeymoon…

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      Yeah, imagine trying to explain God being there when you try to hook up with the other swinging couples at the donkey club in Acapulco. It’d be worse than bringing your kid along.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Threesomes?

    Not my bag, man.

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      “…bag, man.”

      “…bag of men?”

      Freud has betrayed you! THE TRUTH COMES OUT

      Clearly I need to lie down.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Heh… I guess people don’t use the term “bag” anymore, then?

  • viaten

    That looks about right. Woman stuck between Man and God.

  • averydashwood

    You would technically be getting it on with your father.

  • Spazticus

    It reminds me of a photo I took in front of a local church, nine years ago.

    • phantomreader42

      One of the three churches along my drive to work has that same sentiment on their sign now. They really need some new material. It’s just as stupid as it was nine years ago.

  • rhodent

    Talk about being touched by his noodly appendage!

  • sam

    This is where the phrase, “In the Name of the Father, and in the Son, and into-the-hole-he-goes” comes from (to misappropriate a line from David Allen).

  • EvolutionKills

    Cue Family Guy…

  • McAtheist

    I need more information…is it an MFM 3-way, or an MMF 3-way?

    • Erin

      Or perhaps it’s a progressive MFF 3-way?

      • McAtheist

        Oops! My bad, I forgot that possibility

      • baal

        FMF :)

  • Nancy Shrew

    So, does the Golden Rule apply here (as in the Urban Dictionary sense of the term)?

    • sam

      You mean, “Pee unto others, as you would have them pee unto you”?

      • Nancy Shrew

        No, the one that states that it’s “not gay” as long as it’s two men and a woman.

  • Joshua_Kelly

    They did this in response to your posting my excerpt! :) Cheeky bastards.

  • JohnnieCanuck

    Married or not, God is always there, watching Christians. He does it from every angle, even when the lights are out. He’s in their dreams too; wet ones, nightmares, every kind, just watching and taking note.

    One good thing about being an atheist, gods that don’t exist, don’t watch.

  • Mario Strada

    Creepy. It would be creepy no matter what.

  • Puffy

    My dad got remarried a few years ago, and the priest kept going on about how marriage was a threesome. I sat through the whole thing trying really hard to keep myself from giggling.

  • SupahSang

    I’m always wondering who the hell makes these signs!! Anybody know?

    • Spazticus

      People without a sense of humor, in most cases. Besides, they write them in such a way that there is absolutely NO way they could possibly be interpreted in any way except the way they intended… *snerk*

      Edit: I suppose that could be a comment on biblical literalists, as well.

      • Oranje

        I did like that one of the local (more progressive) churches had their sign say: “Staying in bed and screaming “oh god” doesn’t count as going to church.”

  • Sam Chapman

    All this time I thought I was masturbating alone but I was being watched the whole time (ala “The Footprints”). Kinda titillating.

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      Might as well put on a show if you’re going to be judged anyway. :P

  • corps_suk

    This just reminds me of a great bumber sticker
    “Atheists make the best lovers…afterall no one is watching”

  • Oranje

    I’ll stick with the kind with my wife and her girlfriend and lots of awkward should-I-or-shouldn’t-I questions and giggling. God would just screw that up. And bring the shame. Shame sucks.

  • Beth

    When I got married I got a wood cross from my pastor that says marriage takes three. At the time I was a believer and even then I thought it was majorly creepy. “Don’t forget that Jesus watches to have sex” I still have it somewhere….

    • Mario Strada

      He also watches you poop. The guy is incorrigible.

  • Pofarmer

    I actually had my wife tell me “we need to put God in the center of our marriage” . I said “Hell, it’s hard enough with two of us who can talk to each other.”

    • Mario Strada

      See, if I wrote that post, most likely it would have said “…ex wife…”.
      Good for you.

      • Pofarmer

        Eh, she owes me. It was her unthinking, brainwashing, intolerant, superstitious, wrongheaded, vacuous, arrogant, self righteous, biggoted Catholic church that initially fueled my search for doctrinal truth, and, ultimately, my complete deconversion.

      • Pofarmer

        Last February she wanted to have our house blessed. That was an interesting conversation..

  • allein

    I forwarded this picture to my friend, who forwarded it to her friend who is a pastor (of a rather liberal sort). His response:

    “To quote Princess Bride: ‘I don’t think that means what they think it means’….I should try using that in my sermon and see who else thinks it’s really wrong”

    I would go to church to hear that sermon.

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      Her pastor friend misquoted Princess Bride. He will surely burn in the lake of fire. >.<

      • allein

        lol, I noticed that, too.

      • Brudder

        It’s the Fire Swamp, no Lake in that glorious movie.

        • C.L. Honeycutt

          GAH!

          *shameface*

  • Rebecca

    I drove past that sign a few days ago! My jaw dropped when I saw it :P

  • Oranje

    And wait, no serial comma AND an ampersand? *shudder*

    /editornerd

    • Tainda

      Funny thing is, I hate serial commas lol

  • SJH

    Not sure what the big deal is. I don’t agree with the shock-jock tactics but aren’t they just saying that marriage is a bond between a husband, wife and God even in the marital act. It seems that atheists seem to think that sex is dirty or something and therefor think that if you believe in God then it should be hidden from God? Please help me understand why this is an issue?

    • C.L. Honeycutt

      The issue is that theists seem to have a higher incidence of humor blindness* than the general population, and don’t get why atheists might chuckle at a funny sign and appreciate a pastor who is NOT humor-blind.

      *Probably related to authoritarianism.

    • Anna

      It’s the Christians who generally think threesomes are dirty. That’s why it’s so bizarrely humorous for this church to put up that sign. They’d rail against human beings having a threesome, but they see nothing wrong or creepy about intimating that their deity (who is supposed to be the couple’s father, mind you) is watching and/or participating in their sex life.

  • Gabriel

    So is god bi or just bi-curious?

    • sam

      He must be bi. Since he’s omniscient, he can’t be curious about anything. He _knows_.

  • SeniorSkeptik

    Hey, maybe Joseph Smith was onto something after all !

  • Guest

    If God is a trinity, wouldn’t that mean five people at the orgy?

  • Rakatosh

    11. Thou shall not cross swords with the Lord thy God.

  • stop2wonder

    Unless you believe in the trinity, when it then becomes this weird 5-way.

  • Robster

    What about the holy spook? That would make it a 3.5 some.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/chidy/ chicago dyke

    you have to feel bad for christian husbands. i’m mean, come on. we’re talking about God the Father and Big Sky Daddy and omni on your mommy hell yeah He’s got it going on. so when He’s done with your wife, how do you compare? esp after He’s had His way with your business and all you could do was bow down and take it.

  • http://nomadwarriormonk.blogspot.com/ Cyrus Palmer

    Hot

  • http://nomadwarriormonk.blogspot.com/ Cyrus Palmer

    There aren’t any pissed of fundies here? Damn, I wanted to hear what they said about this.

  • Danny

    Is there an accompanying picture/cartoon/drawing depicting the threesome?
    E.g double penetration or an eiffel tower..
    that would be really funny :D

  • Itarion

    Kinky.


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