I’m a Pisces So This Doesn’t Apply to Me

See in The Onion horoscopes:

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • EvolutionKills

    Hogwash! CLEARLY this horoscope is fallacious! Everyone now the only TRUE horoscopes are based on the Chinese Zodiac!

  • Beau in Tulsa

    Hemant… more random posts like this, please…

  • http://www.everydayintheparkwithgeorge.com/ Matt Eggler

    No, no, NO! True horiscopes come from the Scottish zodiac of the Twelve Tartans.

  • Paul Reed
  • badgerchild

    If Genesis had taken place in Scotland, would they be the Twelve Clans? (The rest of the analogy is left as an exercise for the entertainment of the reader, lol. I have work to do.)

  • Mitch

    I prefer reading my future in the entrails of small woodland creatures.

  • JET

    Absolutely ridiculous. I’m surprised you would fall for such hogwash. It’s been scientifically proven that planet and star alignments at the time of one’s birth have no impact whatsoever on the predictability of one’s personality or future. Source: My tea leaves.

  • allein


  • islandbrewer

    Bullcrap! I just slaughtered a chicken, and it’s spilled entrails tell me that the stars and planets are good for picking lottery numbers. Jupiter determines the Powerball, so says this pancreas.

  • islandbrewer

    Moses parted the Irish Sea, and they wandered in Ulster for 40 years, before taking a boat back to Glasgow, where they all stopped for a wee dram.

    It also gives new meaning to the phrase “No True Scotsman.”

  • Green_Sapphire

    This reminds me of theoretical physicist Sean Carroll’s excellent video ‘God is Not a Good Theory’. Paraphrasing, he says — after a basic overview of quantum field theory — that, because of what we know of physics, we can rule out astrology because, for example, although Saturn could technically be said to be contributing a tiny bit to the overall fields around you at the time of your birth, its effect is less than that of the nurse standing beside you.

    Sean Carroll also says we can rule out psychic powers, because they would have to operate on the physical world — and if there were any such forces, they would have to be less that 1/100,000th of the strength of gravity (or they could only operate at a distance less than that between two quarks in a proton in the nucleus of an atom) or else they would have been detected by now. And gravity is very weak, as he demonstrates by jumping, thus overcoming the gravity of the entire earth.

  • http://parkandbark.wordpress.com/ Houndentenor

    Thank you! And that’s why I love the Onion. Multiple levels of satire stacked upon each other.

  • JSC_ltd

    We Sagittarians don’t believe in astrology.