Weekend Fun For the Whole Family: Make Your Own Bible Verses!

I just came across this Cracked article about how to deal with 419 scammers. Though the whole thing is pretty mirth-inducing, nothing made me laugh harder than the fictional Bible verses that author “John Cheese” quotes at the end of his faux-Christian e-mails to the African shyster. For instance:

“He who sees the light of the Lord shall bow to his lightful mercy. And he who sees the dark of the Devil shall dance the dance of the wicked music long.” —Xanadu 1:1:5

“And the Lord did say, ‘Take my shoes and do with them what you will. Walk in them. Sell them to friends of money. But do not use them for dancing. My shoes dance only with The Maker.’” —Haknar Jenabzedeh 14:31

“If you love the Lord as I love the Lord, you would kill yourself without haste.” —Flavaflav 13:69

“And he ate with glee, the nuts of The Maker.” —Dextrose 14:89

“And Jezariqua did tell them, ‘Hark unto thee. For I am thou ye’est. Feast in the Lord and pick dry thine thoust.’” —Squancho 7:14

And my favorite:

“Wipe clean your nipples of motherhood and enter My Kingdom with clean breasts anew.” —Shaniqua 31:12

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it: Come up with your own delicious/delirious bit of holy-book wisdom, and share it in the comments!

(image via jjesusprocess)

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.

  • Buckley

    “And the Lord said, ‘Here, eat this, you’ll feel better.’ And the disciple did eat, and he was better.” Gordon the Foodie 1:2

  • 00001000_bit

    The fight terrified his mother. And it came to pass, that for his safety, she sent him to live with her sister and sister’s husband in the hills of bel-aire. Willsmith 19:90

    • viaten

      The world moveth not by the beating of one drum. For what is right for thee may not for another be. A man born, born to a life of means, shall taketh two boys, brothers, with naught but their garments, for by different strokes is it required for the world to moveth. And it often did come to pass the younger brother did inquire of the older “What thou speaketh of, Willis?” The Book of Coleman 2:8

      • 00001000_bit

        On the appointed day the woman came upon and was introduced to the widower. The wisdom of joining their houses was made apparent to them, whereupon they joined groups into a new family. Brady:3:3

        • RebeccaSparks

          Listen! A poor man, named Jed, lived in the mountains. He was so impoverished that barely feed his family. One day, while hunting, a crude substance came boiling from the depths.

          Behold! It was oil! Gold made black, the Tea of Texas.

          Jed became a wealthy man, and his family told him to move to the land of Kaleefony. So they gathered their possessions and journeyed to the town of Beverly.

          The land of Hills, overflowing with swimming pools and movie stars.
          Hillabelah 1:2-5

    • JA

      And Carlton, the shortest cousin of Willsmith, performed his dance, which is called The Carlton, and Willsmith did mock him greatly. Willsmith 19:?

  • gallandria

    And he didst say unto the mother, suckle thy babe at thine breast, that it might have sustenance. But maketh thou sure that none seeth thy flesh. And the purity culture was glad and did rejoice, for the woman’s body was deemed unclean, and things natural we’re made to be unnatural. Gallandria 5:12

  • dwasifar karalahishipoor

    “And the LORD said unto them, Beware; for oft doth the wicked unbeliever present a friendly visage.” — Hemant 8:31

    • WillBell

      That actually sounds real. :)

  • WillBell

    “And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O LORD, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.” And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats. And the LORD spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.” – Book of Armaments 2-3

    • Terry Firma

      Early winner!

      • skinnercitycyclist

        Run away! Run away!

    • Sam B

      Ni!

    • Willy Occam

      Blue… no, YELLOW!

      Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….

    • Itarion

      “And so the Great King, upon hearing these sacred words, did take firm hold of the Holy Grenade. With prayers and blessings raised to the heavens, he did remove the Holy Pin, and count to three, no more, no less, as proscribed in the holy text. And so did he loft this the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at his foe, and indeed the foe did snuff it as was foretold.”
      -Book of Battles, 4:2

  • John Eastman

    Woe be unto him that inks his limbs and pierces his body with bling. They shall be forever called the sons of Depp. Sparrow 20.03

  • http://snigsfoot.blogspot.com/ Rob Crompton

    And turning unto Simon Peter, he spake thus: The five stone jars thou sawest are indeed full of wine even though the master of the feast says it is water. We will turn this to our advantage and claim a miracle which the master dare not deny. John the Other 6:3

    • El Caballero que dice Ni

      Brilliant!

  • the moother

    Last time we read about the menorah Torah horah and now we get shyster. Very suspicious.

    Lo, shalt the kibitzers plotz from the naches of the goy or thou shalt be called nebbish. – Tevya 19:64

  • Mick

    And the holy man of God did say unto his flock, “Gimme Gimme Gimme” and the flock didst as he bade them, for they were sore afraid. (Mendacity 12:31)

  • Edmond

    Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. Yoda 1:1:29

  • Duo

    “…and Jesus said unto him, ‘Dad, have a Snickers, you turn red and grow horns when you’re hungry.’”

  • kanehau

    “This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.” – (Genesis 3.141592653)

  • TopherJohn

    There oncest was a lady who kneweth all that glittered was surely gold, and hence she boughteth a stairway to heaven. Zeppelin 4:1

  • Sam B

    Thou shalt consume the blood of the Crimson Bovine, at then shalt thou ascend unto a higher place. For it shall give you wings.
    -The book of Marketus Wellus

    • Beadknitter

      You are a genius.

      • Sam B

        Thank you.

  • Sven2547

    “Be thou at peace,” said the steward of the night, “my brothers and I are bound by oath to provide hospitality. Yea, though you may register your egress at the time of your convenience, you shall ne’er depart.”
    – The Eagles’ Epistle to the Hotel Californians, 3: 7-10

  • Paul (not the apostle)

    Lo, thou shall not fail to trap the children lest they grow wise in the ways of man and escape my grasp by the power of the evil one — reason ….. FaithOnly 6:66

  • LutherW

    He that follows the spaghetti monster, shall soon have pasta by those who do not use their own noodles. Herbs 6:66

  • LutherW

    Anythingith that thou readest in here, if it seems to you to be true, thenest you must believetth all in here. This is the way the Lord hast provided to the fool, and the path to priestly riches. Robertson 1:01

  • Gabriel

    And the lord spake unto Saint Bernard and said “I do love the man who loves men. For there is no greater love than the love a man feels for another man” 2 Timothy 5:83

  • Guest

    He who rescues the tiny snake from certain death in a watery pothole shall be rewarded with a ride back to their vehicle from the elderly Ohioans, and shall be saved from an endless trek through the burning desert. Moab 8:31

    Our prayers were answered and we were touched by a miracle! Hope everyone else is having a fun Labor Day weekend too!

  • Buckley

    “We are bigger than Jesus.” John of Liverpool.

  • Loren Petrich

    Reminds me of when I created random word and sentence generators. These are essentially extended Markov chains: for each set of symbols, I find the probability of the next one by using a training text. I then generate new texts by using these probabilities or random selection.

    Then the Pharisees, who were lovers shall go into captivity: Yahweh bless you out of Zion, And may you see it now?
    Whoever kills him, the same was Adino the Eznite, against eight hundred batos of oil.` He said to him, `Take heed to yourself with excellency of our God.
    Hurry, God, to deliver you from his hand.
    But the men put forth their hand, and brought Lot went with him.
    It is eleven themselves and worshipped.
    He left him, and went away.
    David said to Abner, and more in knowledge of God in the Spirit.
    But if you bite you, says Yahweh.
    He said, I am.
    He made two cherubim and palm-trees, and boughs were like God`s approval.

    • badgerchild

      I am loving this very much. Brilliant :D

  • Tommygun329

    And the lord said to Abraham “Teach what I say and not what I do, for I killed nearly every thing on Earth”. Book of Hypocrisy 18:31

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    And turning to the disciple on his left, he held out the joint and spake: “Pass the doobie to the left-hand side.”
    –Cannabis 4:20

    • LarryinBG

      Slight change: “”And
      turning to the disciple on his left, he held out the joint and spake:
      “Thou shalt pass the doobie to the left. To the right, ye shall not pass
      it, neither shalt thou Bogart it”.
      –Cannabis 4:20

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Ah, I thought that was the next verse.

  • JB

    And, lo, the Lord did say unto us

    “And, they did sing the hymn

    Proclaiming, on that fateful eve, that the hymn sang doth not impart the tones of the aforementioned hymn.

    And they decried, “this hymn is just a Tribute!”" Tenac 1:4

  • Kiwi Dave

    The Lord said, “Though you sing as an angel to joyous music in the company of 72 virgins, tempt not callow youth with lascivious movements and protrusion of tongues for the generation of Moolah shall surely come upon you.” Letter to Hannah 6: 66

  • Sneezeguard

    “You can leave your friends behind. For if your friends do not dance, they are no friends of mine.” Spoke the Lord. – Ivan 6:20

  • ShoeUnited

    My favorites come from Sealab 2021 and The Book of Alvis:

    “On a Frosty Winter’s night…
    A wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman, carrying pioneers to the
    frontier. A young woman in the party called Delia, was heavy with child.
    And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one
    year, none had lain with her, though she was comely. And on this frosty
    winter’s night, young Delia’s water broke, almost freezing her to the
    seat of the wagon. And the pioneer’s beseeched the soldiers to grant
    them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital
    there. But, due to an outbreak of syphilis among the soldiers, the
    hospital was full. And So there in the the stable among the feed and the
    tack the yuh uh whatsis, Delia gave birth to a son, whom she called
    Alvis as was her wont.And since none of the men in the party were the
    father, it was decided among them that the birth of this child must
    truly be a miracle!
    And it was so… for above the fort, there suddenly and miraculously
    appeared an awesome and mighty comet! And so brilliant was its light,
    that there came from all the tribes, (which the soldiers had not yet
    decimated), shamans! And they rode upon Buffalo, as was their heathen
    custom, bearing gifts – offerings of whiskey and firearms. and when the
    shamans saw the child they were in awe… for he glowed as if bathed in a
    light which was truly not of this world.”

    ‘”‘Vengeance is mine!’ quoth Alvis” then he shot that guy right in the fricken face!’

    “Now drink with me deeply of the bourbon, scotch, and
    rye until such time as we get fighting drunk. Then we shall find, and
    beat the asses of, the non-believers who ruined my feast!”-Alvis

    “Alvis was the holiest man ever to slap iron. He killed for your sins!”

  • The Oracle

    And The Lord spoke to us of a man named Jedidiah. A Man of the Hills. Of misfortune and hunger. And then The Lord spoke to us of faith and reversal of fortune. And how The Lord hath said upon Jedidiah, “Jedidiah, take ye family and set out to the Land of Angels, for that is the place ye ought to be.” Rusticus 19:62

  • cary_w

    And then the LORD said unto all the people of the world, “There is no Heaven, no Hell below you, above is only sky. All people shall live for today, with no countries, no religion, and no possessions. There shall be nothing to kill and die for. All people shall live in peace, with no greed or hunger. A brotherhood of man, sharing the world. And the world shall live as one.” Lennon 10:9

  • Willy Occam

    “Thou taketh the blue pill: the story endeth and thou waketh up in thy bed and believe whatever thou want. Thou taketh the red pill: thou stayeth in Wonderland and I shall showeth thou how deep the rabbit hole goeth.” —Morpheus, 3:99

  • Ida Know

    For lo! ’tis the eye of the tiger; ’tis the exaltation of the battle, as thou risest to the provoking of thy rival. And yea, indeed ’tis the last survivor which thou knowest, who stalketh his prey in the night. For thou surely canst not go astray with the eye of the tiger. – Survivor 19:82

    • Castilliano

      And, yay, there shall be many among you of fittest build and tuned with nature, and ye shall take them and prove which among them is most fit and most tuned through a series of trials on an isle or other desolate spot. And the first shall walk naked and collect much gold. So is it written, though unscripted.
      Survivor 19:97
      (from the original Swedish)

  • Keulan

    “Try not! Do or do not. There is no try.” Yoda 5:27

  • Mitch

    “LOL jk.” -Revelation 22:22

  • http://lady-die.deviantart.com/ LizzyJessie

    And he spake unto them, “Mother. Tell thine children not to walk my way. Tell thine children not to hear my words – What they mean; What they say.”

    -Danzig 19:87

  • http://stevebowen58.blogspot.co.uk/ Steve Bowen

    Didn’t Joseph Smith already write a whole Biblical parody like this?

  • Atheistia

    And lo, he did see the diminutive shadow of that man, and thus he said: “willst thou perform a traditional Spanish dance?”. And at that time, the Lord did cause a storm to come about, and the thunder and lightning startled him – so much that he began to exclaim the name of a well-known astronomer.
    - Queens 19:75

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      Well played!

  • http://skepticink.com/dangeroustalk Dangerous Talk

    Create Your Own Bible Verse – http://www.dangeroustalk.net/?p=2162

    • Connie Kane

      This site is only the invitation to write verses. Where are the verses?

  • Sue Blue

    And it came to pass, that on the fifth hour of the third day of the tenth month of Beer-shabba-shabba-do, the Lord God came into Mary as the ram comest amongst the ewes, and behold, Mary did conceive, and knoweth not which seed didst sprout in her womb. And behold, Joseph, who weareth the horns, did hide them with the Glory of the Lord, and uphold Mary even while in her cups she didst deceive him. For what man can kicketh against the prick of the Lord? And what man truly knoweth whether any seed be his? And who can discern that which springeth forth from the ale-cups of the tenth month? For thus is the way of the Lord.

    • Sue Blue

      - The Epistle of St. Seducius to the Romans, 14:12

  • TopherJohn

    And when the time came for him to leave them, he began to slowly rise unto the heavens, at the site of which all his followers feel down upon their knees, and could be heard to joyfully exclaim- ” Na,Na,Na,Na, Hey,hey, Goodbye.”
    Solitary Triumphant Amazements; 19:69

  • TnkAgn

    “A wet bird shall never fly at night, sayeth the Lord.”
    Book of Vernon 1:11.

  • mucat

    “And a man clad in a coat of brown did descend upon them from the sky, and others came beside him, and he said unto the multitudes, “Free this woman and render her unto us.”

    The people did cry out, saying “But thou thwartest the will of the Lord. The woman is a witch, and this is a holy cleansing.”

    And the man in brown spake unto them once more, saying “Thou shalt sever her bonds, or we shall smite thee with fire from the sky. For she is OUR witch, and what are we but Big Damn Heroes?”

    – Joss 1:5

  • Patrick R

    1 And hence, the ship was cast upon the tumultuous sea, the heavens bringing forth a terrific gale and falling of the upper waters upon the trembling crew of seven. Thus, didst they become aware of a state of confused bearing. 2 And lo, as the mighty torrent abated, they prayed with gratitude to Jehovah as the tiny vessel had become grounded upon firm soil. 3 Thus, the Lord spake, saying: “Ye sinners shall be cast away for all eternity upon this Isle of Gilligan.” Sherwood Schwartz 19:64

  • http://callumtaylor.net/ Callum Taylor

    “And the Lord said unto the people, “the bird is thy word”" – Birds 2:10

  • Carmelita Spats

    And the children of Biblebeltia were fruitful, and increased
    abundantly in girth, and multiplied, and waxed exceedingly plump; and
    the Denny’s 24-hour buffet heaved with them in their muscle shirts
    tucked way, way into high-waisted denim shorts. And the Lard saw that
    the gluttony of man was great in Biblebeltia, and that the imagination
    of the thoughts of their hearts was on fried hamster cheese sticks continually
    for the rule of gluttony goes like this: when a given society’s needs
    become so ridiculously over-satiated and just plain obscenely stuffed
    like a Southern Baptist preacher on Bud Light, it begins to gorge on its
    own pets.

    And it repented the Lard that he had force-fed them fried corn dogs, and it grieved him at their cholesterol levels. And the Lard said, “I will swallow man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man and pets, and the
    creepy thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I need a
    comfort food sacrifice. The offering of poodles and goldfish and
    hamsters shall be slaughtered in the place where the burnt offering is
    slaughtered, and its blood is to be splashed against the sides of the
    altar. All its fat shall be offered: the fat tail, and the fat that
    covers the internal organs, both kidneys with the fat on them near the loins, and the long lobe of the liver, which is to be removed with the kidneys. Cathedrals of fleshy joy! I also desire a hundred foreskins, Gummy Bear breast implants, Six Pack Tummy Tucks, a Brazilian Butt Lift and hymen-reattachment surgery.” (Second Book of Pantagruel 5:14-16)

  • Gypsy5467

    And there came a man of Eastwood, who for a fistful of coin, and verily for a few coin more, did separate out the good, the bad and the ugly for the glory the almighty. Leone 19:64-66

  • Wise-Guy

    Enlightend are the thinkers,
    for I gave them eyes to see in the dark.
    Bookie 42

  • CATMAN

    “He who shitteth in his own nest shall not complaineth not about the smell”

  • Robster

    And the Lord said “It’s spelt Lawd for chri*ts sake….” Sesame NYNY

  • TravelingTxn

    For Moses walked along side Hadassah, and Hadassah bragged of the quality of his goats. Lo when Moses looked unto the goats, he was enraged that the goats turned away and showed their backsides. For Hadassah’s goat though mightier than any goat Moses had before seen, saw fit to only to proffer unto Moses their handsome hindquarters and enlarged genitals. Thus Moses said unto Hadassah, “Thine goats are indeed handsome, however by their actions, Satan must have sent a demon unto thy flock. Therfore let me tend unto thy flock until morning so that they may make a proper sacrifice unto the lord”. Thus Hadassah turned over his flock unto Moses, and the israilites did not sleep for their was many sounds of the goats as Moses blessed the goats long into the night.
    Matthew 19:3-9

  • dwasifar karalahishipoor

    And the maiden Alis laid down beneath the tree, and there rested for a time. And there a running hare happened upon her, and the hare was white, and it was clad in the raiments of men. And this was passing strange, and the maiden Alis awoke from her repose, and called out; and lo, the hare spake unto Alis, urging haste; and the hare fled anon. And Alis was much amazed, and did give chase. But the hare was swallowed by the earth; and Alis also; and thus she fell. — Carroll 3:15

  • Mark W.

    “Brother, Doth thou even exert thyself in the hoisting of heavy objects?”
    Book of Knaves and Rapscallions 11!!1!:!11!!11!

    “Brothers ahead of Courtesans.”
    Codex of Brotherhood – Commandment I