Weekend Fun For the Whole Family: Make Your Own Bible Verses!

I just came across this Cracked article about how to deal with 419 scammers. Though the whole thing is pretty mirth-inducing, nothing made me laugh harder than the fictional Bible verses that author “John Cheese” quotes at the end of his faux-Christian e-mails to the African shyster. For instance:

“He who sees the light of the Lord shall bow to his lightful mercy. And he who sees the dark of the Devil shall dance the dance of the wicked music long.” —Xanadu 1:1:5

“And the Lord did say, ‘Take my shoes and do with them what you will. Walk in them. Sell them to friends of money. But do not use them for dancing. My shoes dance only with The Maker.’” —Haknar Jenabzedeh 14:31

“If you love the Lord as I love the Lord, you would kill yourself without haste.” —Flavaflav 13:69

“And he ate with glee, the nuts of The Maker.” —Dextrose 14:89

“And Jezariqua did tell them, ‘Hark unto thee. For I am thou ye’est. Feast in the Lord and pick dry thine thoust.’” —Squancho 7:14

And my favorite:

“Wipe clean your nipples of motherhood and enter My Kingdom with clean breasts anew.” —Shaniqua 31:12

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it: Come up with your own delicious/delirious bit of holy-book wisdom, and share it in the comments!

(image via jjesusprocess)

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder of Moral Compass, a now dormant site that poked fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards. He joined Friendly Atheist in 2013.