Dusty Smith Just Made the Christian Anti-Masturbation Movie Even More Entertaining

By now, you better have seen Every Young Man’s Battle, the Christian anti-masturbation movie. If you haven’t, the full version is right here:

Dusty Smith has watched it, too. In his latest video, he takes on the role of your mind as you watched that horrible film. And it’s awesome. (Just about everything you’re about to hear is NSFW. You’ve been warned…)

(via Cult of Dusty)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • ThyGoddess

    Wait… they’re serious?

    • baal

      The christian anti-autoerotica crowd? Yeah, they don’t want anyone having a clue about what’s fun or normal or sexuality. Especially not unless it makes you all guilty and drives you to beg forgiveness from god (or even better, the local guy who’ll tell you what god wants). It’s quite the racket. They tell you you’re messed up for being human and that they are the only solution to the messing you up they did in the first place.

  • Glasofruix

    Wait, that crap was about fapping? I thought it was anti porn propaganda?

    (i seriously didn’t watch it since it’s a freaking hour long neuron melting idiocy).

    • Jeff See

      I didn’t watch it either, because as a youth, indoctrinated by the religious culture I grew up in, I’ve already heard this message, a lot. It mattered little. I fapped like mad, then riddled myself with guilt, until I realized I was worried about all the wrong things. This type of indoctrination is horrible, because it f’d up my viewpoints about healthy sexuality, and the amount of guilt I beat myself with, was just as unhealthy as my crappy information about sex.

  • Archie R. Whitehill

    Wow! Archaic ideas from an archaic religion. I’m not surprised!

  • Rayne Williams

    I’m still trying to figure out where in the Bible it says masturbation is bad. It’s not the story of Onan, the sin there was Onana disobeying Yaweh’s command to get Onan’s widowed sister-in-law pregnant, which he thwarted by withdrawal and the ‘loving’ god killed him for it.And if that wasn’t creepy enough, Yaweh then made Onan’s dad do the deed.

    • Paula M Smolik

      That’s where they get it from.

      • Rayne Williams

        True, but it completely misses the point of it, since there is no masturbation in the story. Just not wanting to knock up your dead brother’s wife for some ‘holy’ eugenics experiment.

        • Nancy Shrew

          Well, if you take into account that the sex didn’t result in getting the sister-in-law pregnant (as it should), he basically used her body as a masturbatory tool. Considering how fundies tend to view sex, that isn’t a huge leap.

          • Rayne Williams

            See, that’s a logic leap I wouldn’t make, because it’s actually not that logical to me. It’s like someone just read ‘spilled his seed on the ground’ and had weird fantasies, felt guilty about the fantasies and made the pronouncement without looking at the rest, like how the story of Sodom and Gomorrah became about homosexuality when Ezekiel plainly states it’s crimes were arrogance, gluttony and lack of compassion.

  • Itarion

    that FICTION shirt. I want it.

    • allein

      Cafe Press has it (or a similar one).





  • JPT

    Shouldn’t we be teaching about masturbation as one of the tools with which we discover our sensual reality and establish a healthy erotic repertoire?

    It might also give a new meaning to “you need a time-out, mister!”

  • Rich Melton


  • houndies

    if they’d edited out all the Mr. Cool motorcycle scenes, it would have only been maybe 15 minutes long. And Mr. Chunk Monkey gigolo in the library? Where’d they get him? No one’s getting an Emmy for this.

  • Tainda

    Masturbation is Satan’s Typewriter??!!

    No wonder I type 120+ wpm…

  • JuneAbend

    HEY…why isn’t it “every young woman’s battle,” too? Even though I admit I lost the battle the very first time I pulled the trigger, so to speak…

    • Tainda

      My thoughts too lol

    • allein

      What?! Girls don’t like that sort of thing!
      (um…don’t open my night stand drawer..)

    • ecolt

      Because women don’t enjoy sex. We just lay there so men can create babies. That’s also why women have to cover ourselves and dress modestly to avoid tempting men but men don’t have the same prohibitions on what they wear – women don’t have sex drives (according to most religious conservatives at least).

      • Tainda

        Or if we do have sex drives, we’re just sluts.

  • viaten

    I skimmed through the movie. I don’t think they ever say the “m-word” (though Dusty is pretty liberal with it), as if looking at porn is the only concern. I pretty sure even the most conservative Christians know what they are talking about even if they don’t want to think about it.

  • molyca1986

    If course it’s not every woman’s battle too because women don’t have sexual pleasure so therefore don’t masturbate. Pfft! Fuck them!

  • Brian

    “they find that they are spending more and more time with it”

    thats a load of crap…most guys perfect their art and can finish off in a couple of minutes. If you find its taking you longer and longer to reach the mountaintop, then youre doing it wrong, “Professor.’

    • ecolt

      Or doing it just right by making good things last even longer.

    • Nancy Shrew

      Maybe they just stare at their penises and will for something to happen. I can see how that might slow things down a bit.

  • L.Long

    Read title and remembered to go to my favorite porn sites.
    Thanks I forgot to do it today!

  • Kevin_Of_Bangor

    Sadly some parents tell their children this. Now me personally. I need to find a good starter toy for my daughter. She will be 15 soon and it is something we have discussed and she has not objected to it either. I’d rather her relieve her sexual tension at home with herself than another 15 or 16 year old boy.

    • ecolt

      You win the awesome parent award.

      My fiance and I actually watched this with his 13-year old. We didn’t have a big discussion or anything, it was just one of those times that he sat in the living room watching videos his dad was putting on. But from the look on his face I’m pretty sure we’ve help counteract the guilt and shame he’s learning from his mother’s conservative Catholic church. I should thank Dusty for that one.

      • Kevin_Of_Bangor

        My mother was religious but she was also very liberal. She knew I had collection of Playboys when I was a teenager and she knew damn well I wasn’t reading the articles when I was 14. I was reading the stories though out of Penthouse forum but my mother never made me feel ashamed or told me looking at naked ladies or reading erotic stories was going to turn me into a horrible person and it didn’t.

        I could not imagine living in a home where being told something so natural was wrong, harmful or made baby Jesus cry.

    • Stev84
      • Kevin_Of_Bangor

        That was awesome.

      • Ajax


    • Carl Wong
  • islandbrewer

    Dusty is awesome.

  • Carl Wong

    This stupid video claims that looking at porn causes people
    to become serial killers.

  • Carl Wong

    Technically, it’s an anti-sexual-thoughts-and-fantasies movie, NOT an anti-masturbation movie. They don’t think that masturbation is a sin. It is the sexual thoughts that one thinks during masturbation that are sin. (If you can masturbate without thinking any sexual thoughts, you’d be okay). The Bible doesn’t say that masturbation is a sin. It says that looking at a woman with lust is a sin (Matthew 5:27-28).

    The above applies to evangelical-type Christians.

    The opinion of the Catholic church has been for a long time that masturbation is a very serious sin.

  • http://horrorchan.tumblr.com/ HorrorChan

    Harmless, a lost footage found horror film, about a haunted box of pornography that terrorizes a Christian family looks more entertaining. Every Young Man’s Battle has a more of a creep factor to go along with it’s cheesiness though.

    The script is… well, horrible. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever heard anyone refer to alcohol as ‘buzz juice.’ Even in high school we just said stuff by name or just referred to it as alcohol/liquor. I guess they wanted to keep the script as clean as possible besides mentioning how bad it is to touch your naughty bits.