The Book of Genesis: Erotica Edition

Matthew Stillman has written a book called Genesis Deflowered that takes the King James Bible and eroticizes its version of the Book of Genesis. It’s not quite as blasphemous as you might think, as he said on FOX News:

“Religion and love get along incredibly well, but religion and sex don’t,” said Stillman. “There is sort of this flirtation they have in the Bible, and so I sort of felt that to be able to feel this more deeply and to speak it in the original Elizabethan English would be a way to have that conversation happen and have people connect to it in a new way.”

Stillman says he hopes the book can provide a prototype for people to look up to and see that “people actually have sexual experiences that they like, and they’re also spiritual people.”

An excerpt is below, as is a chance to win a free copy of the book!

And there was a famine in the land: and Abram went down into Egypt to sojourn there; for the famine was grievous in the land. And it came to pass, when he was come near to enter into Egypt, that he said unto Sarai his wife, Behold now, I know that thou art a fair woman to look upon in thy skins, with the ochre within thine eyes. The joints of thy hips move with love for the LORD, and for his creation. Therefore it shall come to pass, when the Egyptians shall see thee, that they shall say, This is his wife: and they will kill me, but they will save thee alive. Say, I pray thee, thou art my sister: that it may be well with me for thy sake; and my soul shall live, because of thee. For I crave for my soul to live so that I might be with thee joint to joint.

And it came to pass, that, when Abram was come into Egypt, the Egyptians beheld the woman that she was very fair. The princes also of Pharaoh saw her, and commended her before Pharaoh: and the woman was taken into Pharaoh’s house. And Sarai kept Abram safe by her hand. The Pharaoh craved to know the secrets under the skins of Sarai, and to see her beg for the pleasures of her thighs. And the ochre in her eyes enflamed Pharaoh. And Pharaoh did use his crook upon her. And Sarai ventured to show her fervour when she clasped the Pharaoh. And with flail and crook did they know each other unto the day. And the welts upon their backs and thighs were cooled by kisses; and kisses did cool the welts. Sarai bit upon his crook with ardour; and he brought seed from within Sarai, and watered it. And Abram did keep watch, and abide by them in the night. His staff stood in secret for Sarai.

And so Pharaoh entreated Abram well for her sake: and he had sheep, and oxen, and he asses, and menservants, and maidservants, and she asses, and camels. And the LORD plagued Pharaoh and his house with great plagues because of Sarai Abram’s wife. And Pharaoh called Abram, and said, What is this that thou hast done unto me? Why didst thou not tell me that she was thy wife? Why saidst thou, She is my sister? so I might have taken her to me to wife: now therefore behold thy wife, take her, and go thy way. And Pharaoh commanded his men concerning him: and they sent him away, and his wife, and all that he had. And Pharaoh took a maiden whom he begat by his concubines called Hagar, and he gave her to Sarai for a handmaid.

If you’d like to win a copy of Genesis Deflowered, leave a comment below with your original, newly-eroticized Bible verse. I’ll choose a random winner next week!

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • EllieMurasaki

    Newly-eroticized? Well that’s hardly fair. Read the Song of Songs sometime!

  • Paula M Smolik

    What’s the point? And the King James is the worst version ever. Archaic badly written book turned to porn.

  • OkieAtheist

    Do unto others as you would have them do to you?

  • OkieAtheist

    no no no…
    here we go:
    Do unto me as I would do unto you.
    yeah. That’s better.

  • JustinL

    “If someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.”

    This is too easy.

  • Richard Thomas

    This is probably the best thing I’ve ever seen on Fox News.

  • JustinL

    “But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother’s wife he would pull out his throbbing manhood at that last moment of ecstacy, spraying his hot load on her face, back, or her perfectly shaped ass, so as not to give offspring to his brother.”

  • Randy Meyer

    Be fruitful and multiply. While doing it doggie-style.

  • mattstillman

    Ellie, this book is only Genesis. Song of Songs is lovely and quite erotic. But Genesis is where the western world’s sexual morality/theology springs from – for believers and non-believers.

  • mattstillman

    Oh I disagree. I love the KJV and think that its poetic characteristics are totally unique. And so many of its turns of phrase have been totally embedded in our language. Besides that the KJV is the springboard for every English bible since.

  • mattstillman

    Thanks. I was surprised how nice they were!

  • Dirk

    Unto a land flowing with milk and honey: for I will surely go up in the midst of thee; for thou art a bigtitted people: lest I consume thee in the threeway.

  • EllieMurasaki

    Yeah, I’ll buy that when people stop quoting Leviticus to prove that gay sex is immoral.

  • Mitch

    No need to be original, you can pull straight from the text. “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” Ezekiel 23:20

  • mattstillman

    Well of course. That is ridiculous too in my mind. But Leviticus builds on Genesis. I am working on Exodus Deflowered currently. I have plans for Leviticus as well.

    But Genesis Deflowered has plenty of gay sex and I was very specific in recontextualizing gayness all over Genesis. I hope you take a look

  • Denise

    Ménage à trois…with god in the middle…sounds like fun.

  • Michael Harrison

    Didn’t R. Crumb do something along these lines?

  • David Dunn

    aren’t all of those “and it came to pass”es particularly Mormon-style?

  • Itarion

    And so the Lord did say unto to the world that it is quite okay for a woman to bang two men, provided that the first man give his okay to the banging of the second, and the second is punished greivously for not knowing that he was banging a married woman.

  • Greg G.

    Once, I tried to work out how old Sarai would have been at that time. IIRC, she would have been in her sixties.

    In chapter 21, Abraham pulls the same grift on a king named Abimelek who had an army commanded by Phicol.

    In chapter 26, Isaac and Rebekah pull the same scam on a king named Abimelek who also had an army commanded by someone named Phicol. The same king fell for the same trick twice decades apart.

    Either that or good stories were assigned randomly to Bible characters in various locales with little editorial oversight.

  • EllieMurasaki

    Ooo. I think I will.

  • chicago dyke, TOWAN

    the incest and prostitution angles in this narrative, in all the versions i’ve ever read, always turn me off. i’m very sex positive, but sister-wife swappin doesn’t do it for me. ymmv.

  • mattstillman

    Glad you are giving it a close read! Thank you. I’d love to hear how you think I dealt with those very issues in my book!

  • mattstillman

    hilarious. There are quite a few threesomes that are there in the text of Genesis. The first one is Lamech who one night lays with his two wives Adah and Zillah. Next sentence? They both have twins…that needed to be explained.

  • mattstillman

    I hear you, but my approach was not to change the stories or the outcomes but to change what was there. So I might not be into Lot being drunk and getting his two daughters pregnant…but it’s there. So I filled that out. If you read the book I think you’ll find lots of beautiful, fun and sex positive scenes.

  • Itarion

    And the Lord did allow sex with heavily pregnant women, by dint of forgetting to mention the 9 months between Lamech lying with his wives and the birth of four twins,

  • mattstillman

    Sort of. His illustrations are amazing for how he conceptualized Genesis. Very lusty (not surprising for Crumb) but he didn’t change any of the text and there are some parts he just cut out.

  • mattstillman

    There are a few scenes with God in Genesis Deflowered. I hope you take a look!

  • Nox

    Sarai would have been at least 65 in the first story, at least 89 in the second.

    Genesis 12:4 puts Abram’s age at 75 when he left Haran. Genesis 17:17 puts Sarah’s age at 10 years less than Abraham’s.

  • baal

    I’m endlessly wondering who went around in the late bronze age checking out the emissions of various large mammals. Was it like a pepsi/coke cola war with blind taste tests and such?

  • Tainda

    I just spit out my coffee!

  • Carol Lynn

    I can’t get past “ochre eyes” – reddish-orange eyes? Demonic red eyes? If I overthink it, I get connections to Neolithic burial customs…. but, nah. Was the author trying for “light brown” or “exotic”?

  • tsig

    I grew up on a farm, you become aware of these things when you live around them.

  • tsig

    Just remove the “p”.

  • Michaela Samuels

    So were you a Pepsi or Coca Cola kinda guy?

  • mattstillman

    Ochre can range from yellow to orange to brown. I chose that color because it was a color that was mentioned in the bible and I have seen eyes that are brown but flecked with yellow and orange in the iris. I tried to use only words that were of the period of the writing of the KJV.

  • Xuuths

    Um… no. The translators of most English bibles went back to other sources, NOT the KJV. (There are some paraphrased versions, which are not translations per se.)

  • mattstillman

    True. I didn’t mean that the KJV was somehow the mystical best bible translation – obviously they went back to the source materials. But the KJV always has to be contended with because it has become so embedded in the language. And in that way it is and remains classic …for its impact. And that is true for believers and non-believers.

  • midnight rambler

    “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.” -Neal Horsley (yes, that’s his real name)

  • scroogleu

    The incest didn’t surprise me, as I was aware of that when forced to read this as a teenager (a very fundamentalist and unusually charasmatic Baptist church thought it a good idea to encourage cover-to-cover readings as family time). What I didn’t notice then was the kinkiness of it all – the Pharaoh used his “crook” on her! At first I took that to be King James slang for penis, but then it gets into both of them (would that include the Pharaoh as a sado-masochistic switch?) being covered in “welts”!

  • Ryan

    I’m very disappointed in you all.

    “On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.”

    “Whoa. Good bible.”

  • Rod Fleming

    A large part of the Genesis myth is based on the Sumerian myth of Anu and Ki…which is very, very erotic indeed!